Category: Global Britain

WE DON’T NEED EU REALLY REALLY WE DON’T : The Home Office is to begin a stunning new visa scheme from Monday which will really put egg on the faces of those unpatriotic critics that say Brexit is isolating the UK.

“People who try desperately to link food and fuel shortages to Brexit are going to look pretty bloody silly from tomorrow,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Priti Patel and her team have knocked it out of the park with the new Food and Fuel Visa scheme.”

The scheme will allow EU citizens to gain temporary access to the UK so long as they bring a donation of food and or fuel and deliver it to a retail outlet.

“Because we have zero customs checks for goods entering the UK there won’t be any problem with standards,” the source celebrates. “We have no standards in Brexitannia. It’s very liberating. This will also do a lot to boost the travel industry who is somewhat weirdly freaked out about the lengths Patel is going to to close Britain off to visitors.”

But patriots worried that the scheme will see EU27 nationals flood the UK again don’t have to worry.

“The Food and Fuel visas are time limited. Just long enough to get the food to a supermarket and piss off back across the Channel. Clearly if you want an extended stay you need to bring petrol too. Anyway caught overstaying will be ejected by catapult out of our sovereign land and across our sovereign waters.”

Still, it won’t be as easy as just swanning up to border control and showing them a baguette or a length of wurst.

“All food and fuel items must be Union Flag packaged or they will be confiscated and the illegal visitor refused entry. We aren’t going to fall into any sneaky Continental traps. Oh no.”

Food and Fuel visas. This is what TAKING BACK CONTROL looks like.

WEANED ON THE MOTORWAYS : Little Bertie Barry is to return to the profession he loved so dearly in his last life this week after a UK Government psychic revealed he was a HGV driver in his last life.

What the parents of little Bertie think of the sudden change in his profession from “infant” to “Class 1 licence holder” is not yet clear as they’ve been hit with a gagging order by the Department for Transport.

“Being able to silence dissent is one of the tangible benefits of Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Before we left the EU Bertie’s parents would have been able to protest his rendition and conscription into the Reserve Tanker Fleet, based on the reading of his aura. But today? Can you hear them complain? I can’t. So they must have given consent. Although under new laws introduced this week via Henry VIII powers we don’t need their assent anyway. Get Trucking Done! Bertie! Bertie! Look here! Beeeeertieeeeeeee! Get trucking done! He’s adorable.”

Critics though have pointed out that the conscription of one class one infant into the Reserve Tanker Fleet is hardly sufficient to make up the dramatic loss of drivers in 2021.

“There’s always unpatriotic types trying to talk Britain down,” the spokesman responded. “Bertie is just the first infant. There will be many more. To ensure sufficient conscription we are expanding the UK Government Psychic Fleet to several more. And it’s not just infants. We’ll be exhuming Georgian era coach drivers to man the Reserve Reserve Tanker Fleet. That’s horses. It will be quite a sight to see infants driving HGV’s competing with skeletons in charge of teams of horses racing each other on the motorways to get you your petrol!”

For his part, former Brexit Secretary and complete genius, David “DD” Davis gave his support to the conscription of babies and the raising of the dead.

“It just proves I was correct when I said Brexit wouldn’t turn the UK into a Mad Max style dystopia,” Mr Davis commented. “There’s no horses in the films.”

DIG DEEP : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson has ramped up his promise of a better tomorrow by promising a much better next year.

Clearly with Brexit crises now gripping the United Kingdom daily it’s no longer feasible to promise tomorrow will be great, so the PM who caused the crises to occur has decided on a world beating public relations strategy of promising next year will be awesome. Even if today is appalling. Ignore the lack of food and fuel and medicine and prospect of things improving. Just look to next year after Christmas is saved.

“We will be reaching for the stars!” Mr Johnson will tell the country later today. “The millions we are plunging into fuel and food poverty will be able to look up and calculate how many school meals it cost to launch a rocket into space? How many nurses salaries will I waste just on feasibility studies alone? Before the entire thing is potentially abandoned.”

The decision to focus on outer space, rather than the problems overwhelming the country, will give everyone hope for a bright future.

“I will personally be aboard the first shuttle to go into orbit,” Mr Johnson will promise, in what will really inspire optimism about the future. “Global Britain is to become Galactic Britain when we become the first country to colonise another planet in our solar system.”

It is said Mr Johnson hopes to find life on the planet so he can colonise them while he’s at it, take their resources back to the UK and promise to build a railroad as payment.

But what planet the PM is aiming for is the really inspired part of the plan.

“We will be going to Uranus,” Mr Johnson will exalt. “Because that’s exactly where your head must be if you still believe I have any clue at all what I’m doing running the country.”

THIS TOO SHALL PASS : The European Union, the United Nations, The League of American Nations, The Austro-Indo-Pacific Alliance and The Danish Shakespeare Society have issued a joint statement today calling for calm in an increasingly out of control United Kingdom.

The unprecedented joint intervention is in response to rumours that Boris Johnson is still the Prime Minister, in spite of 150,000+ avoidable deaths during the pandemic, a lot of them because he tried to “Save Christmas”. News that he is going to attempt to save Christmas again have seen people panic shop in a scale not seen since the toilet paper roll catastrophe of distant early 2020.

“I know it seems like he will never leave, in spite of the egregious and worsening harm he causes,” a representative of the coalition told LCD Views. “He is currently a giant kidney stone in your national urethra. But the stone will pass you just have to be patient.”

The reassurance that there will be a lovely day tomorrow without Boris Johnson as Prime Minister has done little to ease minds though.

“It could be written by the old blowhard himself,” one social media user commented. “It’s always a lovely day tomorrow while today is always worse than yesterday under Johnson. Exactly which tomorrow is supposed to be the lovely one?”

For his part though Prime Minister Boris Johnson has taken measures to alleviate the rising sense of anxiety and dread in the country.

“Hiding in the fridge is a start, I’ll give you that,” the poster agreed. “Maybe the fridge could be towed to Mustique and he could do us all a favour and stay there permanently? At someone else’s expense of course.”

That is one possible solution. Because the longer the Trumpian clown show governs the United Kingdom the higher the bill for all of us to pay.

“Except for the disaster capitalists. This is their payday.”

THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM : 10 DOWNING STREET is to follow the amazing victory for Brexiters over crowns on pint glasses by seizing the banana by the horn.

Later this week a press conference will be held to excite everyone with the news that a secret working group, the BRG, has been studying bananas for months. The group is believed to include the “Brexit Spartans”, is taxpayer subsidised (to ensure quality lunches) and has been hard at work with that most iconic of fruits to Brexiters.

“The banana has long been a symbol of British sovereignty and global power,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “In recent years the European Commission has attempted to degrade that sovereignty with attempts to meddle in British bananas. Thanks to Brexit we have taken back control of bananas so fully we may well found a republic.”

Exactly what the correct curvature of a banana is in order to qualify as British isn’t yet clear.

“That’s why we’ve done the research,” the source explains. “We measured the knees of proper British men while the leg was flexed in various positions. We then found the optimal angle for complete control of our borders. This we used to study bananas of varying shapes and sizes. The ones that looked the most patriotic were used to set a minimal curvature. A law will shortly be passed in parliament to make it clear to everyone what is a British banana and what is a lesser one from Europe.”

Lesser bananas will be seized by UK border force and then repatriated to Europe in exchange for seasonal fruit pickers on temporary visas.

“Next time you hold a banana you’ll known it is a British banana,” the source adds. “We will never again say we have no bananas today, unless they’re foreign ones. And yes, we couldn’t have done this without Brexit.”

CRISIS AVERTED : FANTASTIC NEWS for Great British motorists this morning after Prime Minister Boris Johnson personally intervened to solve the fuel crisis caused by Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“He’s taking full control of the fuel crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you’re in a crisis you need an expert.”

Under plans that are “still being finalised” the government will state its intention to build forty new petrol stations. The new petrol stations will be spread in a line between 10 Downing Street to Chequers to best amplify Mr Johnson’s “levelling up” agenda.

In the interim there will be short term measures to stop the “panic at the pumps”.

“Having TORY MPS TWEET IN CAPS THAT THERE IS NO CRISIS IS A GREAT FIRST MOVE. THAT’S EXCELLENT FIREFIGHTING RIGHT THERE,” the source comments. “But Mr Johnson will also personally intervene to state ‘Fuck petrol pumps’.”

Another step will be to sequester Health Secretary Sajid Javid to bring his magic into dampening down public expectations.

“He’s going to drive around declaring anywhere carrying a flammable liquid a petrol station. Every off licence that sells lighter fluid will suddenly find itself declared a fully functioning petrol station. He can easily fit this into his diary alongside declaring GP surgeries new hospitals.”

People are asked to do their part while the new petrol stations are being created.

“We will have to stop telling EU lorry drivers to piss off for a few days,” the source acknowledges. “Just while we get our contingency plans rolling. So we’re asking patriotic British voters to stop shouting speak English at forrins. Just until we’ve sorted out the problems created by the pingdemic for motorists. Once that’s sorted it’s back to xenophobic, delusional, self-sabotaging, toxic, fascist appeasing nonsense because it works for the Cons at the polls.”

HOLD FAST : THE ARCHITECT OF SO MUCH SUFFERING, the bringer of so much woe, the ender of Freedom of Movement, the UK’s Home Secretary Priti Patel has been rushed to a private hospital this afternoon and placed into a medical coma.

The dramatic medical intervention is thought to have been authorised from the highest ranks of government after Prime Minister Complete and Total Disaster agreed to relax rules regarding EU lorry drivers.

“No 10 wishes to reassure the country that the PM has only agreed to relax the rules out of fear of the impact of food and fuel shortages on his personal polling,” a Downing Street spokesman said. “He has not done it out of concerns for the national good or anyone’s personal welfare. Please do not be mistaken. He’s just as incompetent and self-centred as he has always been.”

But in spite of the reassurance some are wondering if the U-turn on drivers will raise questions over the intelligence behind Brexit.

“We could not have relaxed visa rules on EU lorry drivers, to alleviate food and fuel shortages, if we hadn’t first done Brexit,” the spokesman reminded the country. So all is well and good then.

As to Ms Patel personally, it was felt sedation may first have been all that was required, but there were concerns she would still react “aggressively” to the news and the “PM doesn’t have time in his schedule today for a wedgie”.

It is thought that the coma will be reversed once a suitable collection of videos of women protesting against violence being met with violence has been compiled.

“She will be brought out slowly and carefully,” the spokesman advised. “A soundtrack of traumatised EU nationals incorrectly detained at UK borders will play as images of women being slammed into the dirt by police are projected on all the walls of her room. In time it is hoped she well learn to adjust to the first blows against her humanitarian victory of ending FOM.”

It is not sure what will be done once more U turns on immigration rules are required owing to a shortage of sedatives caused by the ending of FOM by Ms Patel and her colleagues.

A STITCH UP IN TIME : Doctor Hubert Blootung, chief representative of the North American Free Trade Association, has spoken to the press overnight outlining the conditions of the United Kingdom’s accession to the distant trade association.

“I would start by saying how impressed I was with the phone call from the United Kingdom’s Foreign Secretary Ms Truss,” the doctor began, to the surprise of many. “It is not often these days sales calls from cheese manufacturers are made with a personal touch. I have agreed to purchase a block of cheddar, with a complimentary pork product. I can appreciate that the cheddar must be Irish in origin for the moment, due to the difficulties of trading from the sovereign United Kingdom. But as long as there is a Union Flag on the packaging somewhere, it will be good enough for me.”

The pleasantries out of the way the Doctor got down to business.

“It is obvious to everyone why the United Kingdom must seek to join new trade associations. Preferably as far from the UK as possible. How else to recapture the might of the British Empire unless with a global policy? The EU will soon see the error of its ways when British made goods are sailing straight past it, through Suez and arriving in North America. But we have one condition for the UK for its application to join our trade bloc. They must first rejoin the EU. If we’re going to be having taxpayer jollies back and forth across the Atlantic I want to go to a country that has food.”

It’s not yet clear how the Prime Minister will respond, but it is expected that if he perceives personal gain in it he will swap positions on the EU as quick as you can blink and leave the domestic opposition politicians stunned and still babbling about embracing Brexit.

GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT : The White House has responded off the record to the visit from British Prime Minister Boris Johnson. In a candid exchange with journalists an unnamed White House source (who is almost certainly invented) made the following comments.

“It was frankly embarrassing,” the source told LCD Views. “Joe had a full diary to work through and this shambling haystack appears at the front door claiming to be family. Or in a special relationship with our entire country, whatever that means. Could he please come in for a few minutes? Apparently he was busting for the toilet too. When he emerged from the bathroom he smelt of whiskey. Or had splashed so much aftershave on it was enough to fumigate the Oval Office. And the Oval Office didn’t need to be fumigated as it was cleaned by a bio-hazard specialist after Trump was dragged out. Really, no one knew where to look. We just kept dropping hints it was time for him to leave. Not even really sure who he was? Said his name was Al and he was from Global Britain? Maybe it was a prank? You know, one of those TV shows where they set people up?”

While the comments from inside are illuminating regarding how he was received, there were some significant gains for the British Prime Minister.

“He had this so called journalist with him. Or a blogger. Something. Said she worked for Auntie? Whatever that is. She tweeted the entire time. Everything this blow in did she praised. Maybe they’re in some kind of toxic co-dependency? Really we don’t have time for games like this. We’ve got serious work to do. Even if they are somehow related to us it would be best if they kept their distance.”

For his part Mr Johnson went on record to say he thought the visit went “Stupendously! Like Theseus in a wool shop. He aaaaa….aaaaaa….just the right weave! Baggins! Like Baggins. The one ring. Just magnificent” and no one was any the wiser about what he meant.

BE OF GOOD CHEER YE GENTLE FOLK : The UK is ready to take on the challenges the UK’s government is throwing at itself unnecessarily after completion of work at the House of Commons.

Strong and stable government is required for a well maintained, representative democracy and to be stable it needs to be fully insulated against information it doesn’t want to hear. Reality is no use when great changes are in hand. Work to ensure an “impenetrable buffer” against reality has been ongoing for several years, and 10 Downing Street confirms today it is “110%” complete.

“We’ve ramped up the insulation of the old Palace of Westminster and now nothing, nothing that is unpleasant can get through and reach the ears of the MPs. It’s cotton wood headpieces over the ears for all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Mr Johnson can lie through his teeth and no one will be any wiser. His own MPs will applaud of course as the lies serve tax efficient arrangements for their donors. The opposition can be guaranteed to go along with the farce and do nothing to upset the status quo, as they helpfully tied themselves to the mast of the HMS Brexit on the 24/06/16 and no one has seen fit to cut the ropes. Hey ho! Oven Ready Calamity here we go!”

The insulation will also help the UK meet its climate change goals too, as confirmed by the spokesman.

“That’s because we don’t really have any,” the source grins, “because we’re idiots. But that’s what the people voted for and we’re delivering on our promises to donors.”