Category: Global Britain

THE EYE OF SAURON IS WATCHING YOU : A 6th Century Anglo-Saxon ‘Tutankhamen’ is facing deportation today as he can’t provide proof of his address, or work history, for one week in 576AD.

The individual, known as Prince Seaxa, was discovered hiding out between a pub and an Aldi in Southend by gardeners excavating a flower bed, who immediately alerted the Home Office.

“He’s the perfect Schrodinger’s immigrant,” a Home Office spokesman said, “he’s both come to steal the job of an English prince and he doesn’t work. He’s the perfect nightmare for the Conservative voter. We’ll make short work of processing him. England is for the English. It’s how we’ll build Global Britain, by throwing everyone out on the sketchiest of premises. No need to vote for Nigel while Boris is in office.”

The timing of the deportation is especially relevant, given the recent descent into autocracy.

“We are perfectly capable of training our own people to be autocrats, this Prince Seaxa is not needed. Anyone saying that just because he’s related to King Saebert he’ll get preferential treatment is spreading fake news.”

Questions have also been raised over whether or not this so called prince could meet both the skills and income requirements needed to quality for even short term residency under the current short-termist, deluded and xenophobic regime of government.

“Do you see much use for sword wielding, dark age German speakers? Well? He’s a danger to the public and he can’t communicate. No one is going to pay him to run about attacking Wessex. This is the 21st Century, even if it doesn’t look like it.”

It’s believed the failure of Prince Seaxa to provide proof of residency for one week in 576AD seals it.

“If he can’t provide paperwork to prove legal residency from an era prior to retrospective legal changes to immigration status that’s not our problem. He should have planned ahead, just in case the government was one day taken over in a right wing coup.”

To make sure Prince Seaxa doesn’t go to ground again his remaining tooth enamel will be taken into custody at a deportation holding centre, prior to expulsion from mighty Britannia.

“Just wait until we find his brother, wherever he’s hiding out in Essex,” the Home Office spokesman added, “once we’ve found his finger bone, or tooth, or whatever is left, we’ll deport him too.”

OFFSIDE : The Government has no need to split the chicken to get at its entrails, roll the knuckles or throw the runes this morning to find additional signs that they need to get on and deliver Brexit. Football has sent a sign.

“Liverpool’s win over Barcelona is a message to get on and deliver Brexit,” a diehard fan of Brexit (two home grounds – 10 Downing Street and Labour Party HQ) told LCD Views this morning, “it’s God. He sent the message. It’s as clear as a blazing football shaped comet in the sky. Who would have thought a win like this possible? Did someone lock Messi in a cupboard? What happened? It can only mean one thing. Get on and deliver Brexit.”

The interpretation of sporting drama, leading to a dramatic and well deserved English victory over the EU (clearly that’s who Liverpool were playing) in the Champion’s League, being taken as a sign to get on and deliver Brexit is in line with recent policy.

“The policy is to see any event, no matter how seemingly unrelated or opposing, as a sign to get on and deliver Brexit,” the fan added, “it’s all we’ve left now that we don’t have the voters. Both government and official opposition spokesmen will sing it from the hymn sheet today.”

To celebrate Downing Street has ordered the weaving of a massive tapestry displaying the build up to the Champion’s League semi and all the dramatic goals scored in it.

“That’s a bit embarrassing though,” the fan winced, “they’ve hired a French firm to weave it.”

BIG ROOSTER BRITAIN : “It couldn’t have gone better if we planned it,” a Government spokesman said today of the massive cock up regarding registering EU27 citizens for the upcoming EU elections. 

https://www.politics.co.uk/blogs/2019/05/07/disenfranchised-how-eu-citizens-were-stopped-from-voting-in

“Just think if all those additional EU27 born Brexiters were able to turn up and vote for Farage?” the spokesman continued, “it’ll be deeply embarrassing for Remainers, finding themselve alone, discovering even millions of EU27 citizens don’t want to stop Brexit. The people have decided after all, many years ago now. It would be undemocratic for the people to decide again.”

And while it’s not the intent of this article or global publication to insinuate that the failure to register millions of voters was deliberate, it does also seem the executive probably isn’t losing much sleep over it.

”It actually benefits EU27 citizens,” the spokesman continued, “the additional insult, the additional disenfranchisement. It places them very well to go into private practise, after Brexit is delivered, to counsel British voters about how it feels to be burned, insulted and discriminated against by government policy and incompetence year in and year out. Because you can bloody well guarantee Brexit Britain won’t be any better run. Mostly likely it’ll be even worse!”

Clearly a mature country, a mother of parliaments and democracies, will bend any sinew to enfranchise the voters before a ballot.

”That’s not us,” the spokesman commented.

Such a country, determined to retain credibility on the international stage,  wouldn’t actually pass retrospective legislation discriminating against, adding oenerous burdens to, and taking rights away from law abiding people who came to the U.K. under early treaties, trusting them to be honoured in perpetuity.

”Oh that is us!”

Yes. And it’s about time we put a stop to it before the government succeeds in making our country and outcast from our European family for a generation.

INDEFENSIBLE: A touch of glamour is coming to the overly serious halls of the Ministry of Defence after Theresa May announced Daryl Hannah was replacing Steve Coogan, aka Alan Patridge, as Defence Secretary.

We spoke to Daryl’s agent to find out how the show biz star took the news.

”It’s nonsense,” Ms Hannah’s agent replied, “this is the first I’ve heard of it. How is it even possible? She’s not an MP or a peer? She doesn’t even live in the U.K. You’re just making this up. I advise you not to bother printing it. No one will believe you.”

What animal Ms Hannah will bring with her to the MOD is a cause of much speculation, given the departing Minister was famous for keeping a spider in a box on his desk.

”It’ll have to be a marine mammal of some kind?” our defence analyst suggests, “perhaps she could ask to borrow that Beluga the Norwegians caught? She’ll only be working days at the MOD Inbetween filming commitments anyway. The elevation of former fireplace salesman Patridge to defence secretary, and now an indivual most famous for appearing in Splash, shows how serious the prime minister views the role.”

But the decision to award one of the most serious jobs in the cabinet to an entertainment outsider has led to speculation there’s not many MPs left in the party of government who want to be associated with May’s cabinet.

So what for Patridge now he’s been sacked?

”Funnily enough he’s to pursue a career in entertainment now,” our analyst believes, “he’s to start filming a new series called Prat.”

What’s the premise?

”It’s about a fictional character called Gavin Williamson. A sacked fireplace salesman fighting to clear his name, after being fitted up for something he claims he didn’t do. He took on the firm’s chief financial officer and lost. But everyone is glad to see him go regardless.”

Why’s that?

”Because he’s a prat of course.”

https://youtu.be/2Ens-MNzQOE

GOING GLOBAL : Leaks from 10 Downing Street today indicate that the executive have become concerned that delays to Brexit are sending confusing signals to both the grass roots Conservative associations and the global community. It’s time to set this right. Or write even.

“We want everybody to know we’re still the party that believes f*ck business,” a Downing Street insider briefed the press today, although strictly off the record, “in line with the thinking of our next prime minister. We’re also the party that wants everyone to know we hate all immigrants, what have they ever done for us? Do you know how many votes there are in saying that? Even more subtly, as the official opposition do with their commitment to end FOM,

“It’s just like the BBC’s leading English historian, Andrew Marr, once asserted on Twitter, but the English have never been ruled by anybody. So we’re going to ensure that our closest neighbours understand where we stand in the increasingly interconnected 21st century world. We are definitely leaving, in spite of begging repeatedly to delay leaving. But don’t anyone print this, wait for our big PR move. We’re going to write it in the sky.”

The big PR move, which we are revealing today because off the record is a broken record at LCD Views (oh, and because f*ck Downing Street), is the hiring of a skywriter to spell out to the EU27 exactly what the UK’s current government is thinking regarding Brexit and the resurgence of the British Empire (2.0).

“It’s going to be quite something,” the insider smiled, “telling the EU where to go in one European language after another. I think this will show them we’re serious about re-opening negotiations concerning the backstop. If they won’t do that then we’re just out. Take that!”

And in an ironic twist the skywriter is an EU27 national, because none of the homegrown English ones can write in the required languages.

“We’re Global Britain. Just F OFF!”

MILITARY MADNESS : Armchair general Theresa May upset many other better qualified armchair generals last night with her decision to place the entire force of Dothraki cavalry out the front of her fortress, in the dark, in the snow, in order it seems to sacrifice them entirely when Jacob Rees-mogg and a force of ERG backbenchers attacked.

”It was the easiest way I could think of to deport the lot in one foul swoop,” Ms May is believed to have told a meeting of the government’s security council this morning, “it would have taken forever to use the Home Office to destroy them piecemeal. I should be commended for saving the British taxpayer money.”

And while certainly an efficient way to dispose of a force of shock cavalry that were not wanted, in spite of their clear value if welcomed, because they were from overseas, it does raise questions of how much harm the PM is willing to do in order to satisfy whatever screaming chasm of insecurity and despair drives her to gross acts of xenophobia.

”All this talk of the Dothraki’s inherent value is missing their motivation for coming to the United Kingdom in the first place,” a spokesman for Downing Street said, “they were clearly here for both benefit and healthcare tourism and the prime minister has taken steps to protect the public from people who don’t understand our way of life.”

A debatable point, but probably not one a BBC journalist would bother questioning nowadays.

”Chris Grayling is just shocked no one is blaming him for it,” an insider at the Department for Transport told us, “although the decision not to remove the dead Starks from the Winterfell crypt prior to placing the most vulnerable down there was his, and hopefully someone will point that out.”

Senior Tories have maximised the electoral possibilities of the youth driven climate change protests by telling terrified young people to never vote Tory, if they want to live as long as senior Tories.

”They can frack right off!” Any senior Tory it seems, told LCD Views, “what’s more important? The avarice and greed of my shadowy backers at home and abroad, or what bloody polar bears will be doing with their time in forty years? I’ll be dead by then anyway, unless the boffins work out how to hook my brain up to that gizmo that revives dead pigs.”

And the considered response of the politicians was backed up across social media by Tory mouthpieces who pretend to be commentators.

”It shows how flipping short sighted young people are and why the voting age must not be lowered,” A Prick Boy posted, “surely they should be worrying about the reduction in opportunity across all spectrums from education to health care? The rise in violent crime resulting from the attempt to privatise policing, or how the hell they’re going to afford a home in a housing market we’ve rigged to benefit the money laundering of our kleptocratic chums from abroad? Not if the seas will be boiling puddles of acidic piss by the time they reach middle age.”

LCD Views would like to commend the current crop in power for their robust response to the climate change protestors.

By displaying clearly that not only do you wish to bugger up the next generation’s opportunities by ruining their country in the service of a hard right, conflict seeking political project (backed by climate change deniers), but you are perfectly prepared to go even further than that, by resisting efforts to ensure a viable middle age for the young, you’ve really shown them what to do with their votes when they come of age. We would just advise that when you re-jig the Conservative Party tree logo for the next general election, you make sure to show that it’s now on fire. Job done.

LCD Views has started preparing for the London Marathon, to be run (by everyone) this year on Sunday April 28th (Crickey! That soon? We better get into serious training!). We’ve done this by speaking to a woman who says she’s trained for marathons, sprints, and for extended terrified bouts of doing sod all, and can tell us how it’s done.

“I’ve really been training for this all my life,” she told us, dressed in multi-coloured running shorts and shoulder padded business jacket, “right from the moment when I attended church services as a child and I thought, how best can I punish the poor people? And why do people look at me funny? How can I make everybody go away? Just like Jesus did.”

And is carrying around a container ship’s anchor chain on your neck part of the strengthening for long distance running?

“No. That’s to distract the eyes of observers so they don’t observe me too closely and learn my secrets. I’d probably improve my time if I swapped it for something lighter, like a frigate’s anchor.”

So tell us how you’ve prepared specifically for this year’s marathon event?

“I’ve been running back and forth constantly between 10 Downing Street and Brussels. I’m good to go. I’m getting faster each time.”

But you haven’t run to Brussels for a couple of weeks now? Are you worried about loss of form?

“What form?”

Good question. So the downtime is just recovery before the next marathon?

“Oh, I’m still training. A serious team captain never really stops working out. I’ve just spent a week running away from the other members of my team all over Wales.”

Theresa May, good luck for Sunday. Have you any words of inspiration for the other runners taking part?

“Marathon means marathon and we’re going to make a slog of it.”

BREAKING : LCD Views is receiving reports of a Turkish man arrested while attempting an illegal restoration of one of the more famous British monuments.

”We built this as thanks for a good harvest!” the mailed and chained man was heard shouting as he was bundled away by armed officers from the Ministry for Historical Purity, “and look at it now? Fallen into ruin!”

What really motivated the man is not yet clear, especially as he seems to have ruined celebrations planned entirely in his honour and due to be held tomorrow, in numerous countries.

”The hostile environment policies pioneered by the prime minister when she was ruining the Home Office will do for this so called George,” a spokesmen for the Ministry for Historical Purity told us, “if such a nest of government vipers, I mean policies, was in place six thousand years ago there wouldn’t be any ancient monuments to desecrate to begin with. Just a green and pleasant landscape. What man comes to steal a good traditional English name like a George anyway? Thought he’d get away with it!”

By why attempt to work on Stonehenge? There are many run down places that could have benefited from the work, and with no risk of arrest?

”It’s a blatant foreign attack on pure Britishness,” the spokesman informed, “everyone knows Stonehenge is an egg.”

Excuse me?

”It is the egg that God himself, an Englishman, caused to rise from the soil by magic and broke apart to birth the first pure born Englishman on Earth. It wasn’t the work of some illegal immigrants from the Mediterranean.”

This isn’t what they taught us at school.

”It will be now,” the spokesman said, “once we finish fetishing the Empire in the school curriculum we will move back in time fast.”

Saint George himself has been taken to a secure immigration detention facility awaiting reparation, hopefully before tomorrow and his party.

LCD Views can exclusively report this morning of an alarming new series of photographs of the United Kingdom, captured from space, released by scientists aboard the International Space Station.

“We were so taken aback we had to drop anchor,” Captain Penny Rocket said, calling on a secure landline from orbit, “we stayed over the United Kingdom for a full twenty four hours to observe the phenomenon. We were hoping it was a visual trick of the light spectrum, or perhaps a new type of cloud previously unrecorded. But that wasn’t so.”

What did you decide it was?

“Is. It’s still there and shows no sign of shifting.”

But what is it?

”Exhaustive analysis of our polaroids , taken in black and white and colour, reveal a giant carpet. It’s almost as if the entire country has been swept under it in order to conceal a massive network of interconnected political criminality.”

So basically you not telling us anything we don’t already know?

”You know Vote Leave broke the law? And that if the referendum wasn’t advisory it would have been squashed by the courts? And that the prime minister is aware of the criminality?”

Yes. Everyone does, just few in a position to do anything about it at the mother of parliaments seem to care.

”You know that prominent members of parliament are implicated by association?”

Yes. Just even the leadership of official opposition doesn’t seem overly concerned about it, even though it’s the sort of scandal you’d expect them to weaponise to bring down the government.

”That’s probably because the law breaking serves their political objectives? As with the party of government.”

Yes. So do you have anything to tell us that we don’t know?

”There’s a giant cigarette burn smouldering away in the centre of the carpet. It seems to be being caused by Channel 4, some Observer journalists and a few MPs. But it doesn’t involve the BBC.”

That’s mildly encouraging.

”Oh and in space no one can hear you scream.”

We know that one too, thanks to a series of documentaries on alien life.

”Then be grateful, because we’re about to take the same photographs of the UK’s special friends the United States of America.”