Category: Democracy

IF THE CAP FITS : Tory leadership hopeful and right wing ‘thinktank’ IEA’s pick, Matt Hancock, has taken a bold step today to allay fears he’ll just flog off the NHS even faster as PM than he is doing as Health Secretary.

”He’s gotten hold of William Hague and asked for the holy grail,” LCD Views’ Tory fly on the wall reveals, “with Hague’s hip baseball cap little Matt will be hip to the kids daddio!”

And fooling younger voters into thinking you’re not just a tool, and a front for hard right private health concerns, is key to Matt’s potential success.

”He’s already done parkour,” the fly says, “happily the filming stopped before he face planted into the pavement and broke four teeth.”

If Hague is willing to lend Hancock his cap then it’s hard to see James Cleverly or Liz Truss getting in his way.

”That just leaves everyone else. That Malthouse guy maybe a blocker for Jeremy Hunt. Little Matt will need all the cap’s magic.”

But with the youth vote looking nailed down now he only has to worry about the elder set.

”They’re a minority in the Tory Party. If he gets the cool kids onside it’s a power packed bid.”

To see if Hague will loan the cap we doorstepped him, but he saw us off with a syllable so long we couldn’t wait for the end of it.

Good luck Matt! You, and we, are going to need it whoever comes out on top of the rat pack.

Data scientists confirmed today it is increasingly likely that not being a hard right wannabe equates to having less milkshakes thrown at you.

Social scientists have long hypothesised that should a right wing renaissance emerge in the country that someone would try and do something about it, but after years of analysing governmental action and media bias, it appeared it was unfortunately merely a hypothesis.

Until….researchers at Banbridge Analytica (Based in Northern Ireland, and not to be confused with world destroyers of a similar name) started looking at normal people who have for millennia regularly overthrown overzealous despots.

Media studies show “everyday dogooder” activity is underrepresented by most clickbait peddlers, in favour of sensationalist nonsense for the credulous.

Only after recent technological developments, such as phone cameras and live streaming, have the maddened public reactions to racist ruffians resurfaced.

This recent ability to realise how many xeno/homo/whatevaphobes are spouting hate on a corner near you appears to have finally produced the data spike hypothesised by the people who fought in World War II.

Folklore of the time suggested that their efforts against Nazis, and the countless millions of people that suffered at the hands of evil, had been the final battle. Their grandchildren would live a happy and peaceful life under a just government that would try everything in their power to prevent a Zak Synder post apocalyptic dystopian reboot.

By a complex process of examination, referencing data analysis and looking at their phones a lot, irrefutable trends have been spotted that suggest people have had enough of “tiny timmy ten names”, or whatever the hell he’s called.

By training an ANN (thats one of them artificial neural network things ) to detect Milkshake in jpegs, using unnatural luminance values on objects it identifies as human, researchers were able to compare millions of images of humans to spot the current corellating “fashion” of saying enough is enough with an upturned paper cup towards a “savile” suited shithead.

A certain smug, financial fiddling, toad faced mug made even the AI vomit after being forced to see his face everywhere.

However, after a bit of data recovery and further study of socio-political public posts, nonclusions are optimistic that actually doing something, even if it may seem a bit wasteful of delicious frozen beverages, and could possibly get you in trouble, may just catch on.

More details of Tiny tantrumming twaddle talking turd’s mates that recieved more than a milkshake from “Her Majesty” can be found below:

malatesta32.wordpress.com/2019/01/21/2019-far-right-sex-offenders-update/

As for Farage’s alleged fiscal fiddling, more here 😉

www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2018-06-25/brexit-big-short-how-pollsters-helped-hedge-funds-beat-the-crash

 

SOMETHING GOV: The latest preferred prime minister poll by yougov, out today, shows a giant McDonalds milkshake is now the preferred U.K. prime minister.

”It’s undeniable,” our polling expert, Mrs North, told us over a scratchy line from the South Pole (she’s visiting a distant relative), “even accounting for margins of error, 100% can not be argued with.”

There was of course no surprise that outgoing Gorgon, Theresa May, was polling on -200%.

”That’s actually an improvement for her,” Mrs North notes, “believed to be caused by the sympathy bounce she’s enjoying since announcing that at some point this year she will eventually bugger off.”

Why official opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn was polling at 7/10 is also clear.

”Well, it’s a wishy washy return for the man who keeps calling for a GE, in spite of not yet having got the hang of being an opposition MP. But you can understand why he wants his party back in government, that’s his comfort zone, opposing Labour administrations.”

Whether or not a McDonald’s milkshake will now stand for election is not clear, but all flavours are said to be considering the poll with interest.

”None of them are in a McFlurry to run for office,” Mrs North notes, “as they seem to enjoy being part of a guerilla anti-fascist campaign, and an effective one at that. Also a necessary one, given the general failure of numerous Tory and Labour MPs to fight the rise of the hard right, but their decision to actually encourage it by pretending Brexit is either desirable or deliverable in any form, without mass damage.”

If a milkshake decides to run it can expect heavy competition from a Burger King one, with even now the rival fast food delivery service tweeting its skepticism that the McDonald’s milkshake would poll so high if yougov included a Burger King one in the questioning.

”The wheels are being greased for the milkshakes to go for high office,” Mrs North is certain, “And I wouldn’t be surprised if the best catchphrase in the imminent GE is ‘do you want fries with that?’”

NO STONE LEFT UNTURNED: The United Kingdom has informed the world’s media today that it is to try not having a prime minister as that’s probably better.

”Just for a while,” an exhausted looking UK said, “to see how it pans out. It can’t be worse? Right?”

It probably can’t. Reflecting on the unending mismanagement and all round shitshow the U.K. has descended into under subsequent prime ministers, Angela Merkel threw her support behind the idea.

”It would give everyone a break?” she shrugged, “I don’t think I’ll be rushing to answer the phone if you do have another one anytime soon. Maybe I could stop by on weekends? You know, look in, make sure you’re getting along alright.”

But the decision to be rudderless has its critics, even though it is in many ways just the status quo. Namely all of the Conservative MPs who are all declaring themselves for the job.

”That’s exactly why I’m doing it,” the U.K. said, “seriously? Just F off and let me get my breath back before you start up again.”

The UK explained its decision doesn’t stop the Tories having their leadership contest, just whoever wins won’t become PM as expected.

”It’s going to be weeks now of complete and utter cretins all over the BBC ranting no deal WTO Brexit is not a problem, we’ll pull the trigger on October 31st if we have to. Winter is a great time for food and fuel shortages anyway. I think we can all do without that, can’t we?”

But what about choosing a PM from a different Westminster party?

”Look, it’s the law of diminishing returns right now and I’m done with it. Check back in a year or two and I’ll tell you if I’m ready to start repeatedly punching myself in the face again? Alright.”

SMELL THE GLOVE : A Tory MP for Somerset has appeared in the Telegraph in a classic leadership photographic power bid.

Nosferatu Rees-mogg (definitely a relation), has served the southwest constituency since the inception of the Tory Party in the 18th century, and he was putting out all the classic symbols that’s he’s in the race for Downing Street.

“It’s unusual for the spread to be in a Friday edition and not a Sunday one,” our Tory Party analyst said, viewing the photos with a sense of impending dread,

“but I guess with May to be sedated and brainwashed this morning, in order to get her to set out her departure schedule without further resistance, he wanted to get a jump on the rest. Well, those that haven’t already declared, which is most of the party.”

What exactly was in the cake though?

”Sunshine. Holy water. Garlic. At least that’s what Nosferatu says. Presumably he wants to quell rumours he’s a bloodsucking vampire and appear trustworthy and wholesome instead.”

The power stance though has come in for criticism, for being too liberal.

”The legs aren’t spread wide enough,” our analyst notes, “whatever your sex, if you’re running to be a leader of the Tories you’ve got to spread ‘em like you’ve a pair of cannon balls swinging down there. This looks more like a couple of rounds of grapeshot. It’s going to count against him when compared with Liz Truss on that toilet seat.”

Other famous party names are expected to declare in the coming days to compete in a very crowded field.

”Al Capone. Vlad the Impaler. The Woman in Black. They’ll all go for it,” our man says, “and of course, Boris the Clown. Whoever wins we can expect a continuation of what we’ve enjoyed since mid 2016.”

GAME OF DRONES : Rupert Murdoch is rumoured to have cancelled a planned visit to the bank to count his money today in order to spend the day deciding who will be the UK’s next prime minister.

”He’s not happy,” a fitness instructor working at the mansion told us on the condition we didn’t print anything, “he’s spent the morning swearing in a heavy Aussie accent. When he goes back to his roots you know he’s cheesed off.”

The planned visit to count money had been in the diary for weeks, with the sale of a large chunk of his mega-empire to mega-empire Disney.

”He’s not a young man anymore, even if Jerry didn’t notice,” the instructor continues, “rude shocks like having to clear your schedule to choose a new governor for an outpost of decreasing importance is about as easy to digest as complex food, like things not soup.”

But clear the schedule he will?

”Yes. But he’s keeping the berating session of his children in. ‘I spent decades building the flaming empire and I can’t trust to leave it in the care of my kids? You’re all bloody drongos!’ That sort of thing.”

But other sources, close to Murdoch’s little sprite Michael Gove, have dismissed the fitness trainer’s insights with a wave of the hand.

”Don’t be silly,” the source scoffed, “he decided who was going to replace Theresa May as prime minister months ago. Today is merely a formality of letting a whole catalogue of Tory wannabes phone up and promise to give him whatever he wants, so long as they get to hold the keys to 10 Downing Street,

“He enjoys the ritual, but he chose your next Prime Minister weeks ago.”

FINAL EXCAVATION : News today is that Theresa May’s is to call an emergency cabinet meeting in Australia, after digging such a deep hole for herself she’s popped out down under.

The meeting, expected to be the fInal of the cabinet under the outgoing (not in the playful and fun loving sense) Prime Minister has been called because of the total revulsion and frenzy of vommitting that was triggered by the PM’s latest insane Brexit gamble. A real political norovirus treat.

“It does help explain a thing or two though,” our Westminster watcher comments, “why she has no bloody clue what’s happening in reality. She’s been tunnelling so deep, with and without her colleagues, nothing intelligent has been able to get through to her.”

The sudden emergence into the great southern continent is expected any moment.

”She’ll blink in the sun and realise she needs to talk to no one at all about how she’s gotten there and what to do next,” our watcher says, “like, don’t bother turning around. Get up. Dust off, just start walking. She should make Sydney by July, if she don’t die of thirst in the desert.”

She is expected to walk alone now as no one is crazy enough to go with her anymore.

”Still, it won’t be a total loss,” our watcher observes, “Australia just had a GE in which the official opposition Labour Party lost, and the leader stood down and called a leadership contest for his replacement. Which in a parliamentary system is what you’re expected to do. So she can take some notes for old Jezza. Not that he’s listening to anyone at all either.”

He may actually be tunnelling right besid her.

”They might emerge together, if tomorrow’s EU parliament election results are as expected.”

HOUSE FALLING ON WICKED WITCH : Reports this evening that the UK’s GIF printers are working furiously to stockpile Wizard of Oz themed GIFS for the moment Theresa May is finally forced to quit.

“I ANTICIPATE BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK I’LL BE A MILLIONAIRE!” Mr Fhew Secconds shouted at us from his factory floor, “We’re going to sell out in seconds across all social media platforms. PASS THE GREEN INK POT THERE PLEASE! There’s a good lad!”

And Mr Secconds isn’t the only GIF business madly preparing to cash in on a change of leadership. At the UK’s premium supplier of sarcastic face memes the presses are running hot too.

”It’s the same at the tiny violin factory,” our report in the southwest says, “ all through the afternoon, as reports surfaced on Twitter of frustrated Tory MPs shouting in private at the prime minister to please just F off, the violin makers got their minature axes and began felling wee trees.”

And fears of a boom and bust cycle in the GIF are definitely over rated, because it seems nailed on that whoever replaces Theresa May will be even more insane.

”That’s my only fear,” one GIF printer told us, “if by some freakish chance one of the younger, remainy, not complete batshit crazy stories replaces May, well, I will have over extended myself in ‘This is fine’ burning house memes.”

We think there’s little danger of that, although an outside chance. But so outside it’s halfway up the street.

”Still, I’m sure if that happens Mark Francois will keep us in the pink chopping and cutting up new memes.”

Any moment now, the famous song from the famous film will play on repeat across the land.

”Ding dong…”

HOLD MY BEER DAVE : THERESA MAY is no slouch. She’s already written her memoir of her time as a contender with Dave “Trotters” Cameron for Britain’s worst prime minister.

”I don’t need to spend the average yearly income on a fancy shed to write my memoirs,” a woman claiming to be the UK’s departing prime minister revealed, “I’ve already written them.”

The method employed appears to have been disarmingly simple.

”I just took all the endless vapid sloganeering of nearly three years and put them in a notepad file on my phone and sent it to the printers.”

Smart and efficient, of that there is no doubt.

”Of course I’m going to want to endlessly proof read the draft text, because I can’t help it. What font. What type size. How many words per page. Double spacing here and single spacing there. I’m going to be intimately involved. Heaven help the copy editor if they put something in italics!”

What chapter names will also be chosen in a totally hands on way.

”How I created my own hostile environment. That’s a fat chapter. Endless repetition of meaningless talking points because I treat everyone with contempt. That’s another. That’s actually been adopted as a policy by the official opposition front bench too. Something I’m proud of. It’s going to be a rollercoaster of a ride. We should call it slow but somehow endless death.”

Presumably there will be a chapter on negotiating strategies too?

”Yes. How to succeed against the meek and vulnerable. I know all about that.”

What about how to be a fall guy for a hard right, allegedly criminally compromised political enterprise?

”I’ll deal with that in the chapter titled ‘Nothing else matters but your own day to day political survival’. And let me be clear, however much money it costs, however many lives are ruined, however many jobs are needlessly lost, it’s all dealt with.”

And what’s the catchphrase for the marketing bods?

”Isn’t it obvious?”

Memoir means memoir?

”See! Who said my time in office won’t leave a lasting legacy.”

Oh it’s done that. It’s most certainly done that. We can’t wait to read your broken record, even though we’ve spent years now living it.