Category: Brexit

The embarrassing calendar was sabotaged as a protest, according to the government. Britain’s historic bid for freedom is being mocked by crybaby losers.

Calendar expert May Bank-Holliday showed LCD Views a copy, and gave us an insider’s view. “Each page has an uplifting slogan or news item,” she revealed. “Like Brexit Means Brexit!! or Historic Trade Deal With Antarctica Unveiled!! Something to raise the spirits.”

She also disclosed that each month there was a picture of a Brexit pin-up. “For example, look here at February. Mr February is Nigel Farage in corset and fishnets,” she said.

The odd thing is that Farage in drag is not the reason for the recall. A blunder by the printers meant that every date reads April 1st.

“Brexit Day is of course Friday March 29th,” Bank-Holliday continued. “The weekend will be taken up with a national street party. Adequate British food and inadequate British wine will be consumed. England’s World Cup victory from 1966 will be played constantly, on a loop. The real start of Brexit will be a hangover on Monday April 1st.”

With that apt metaphor in place, we took the opportunity of glancing through the calendar. It appears that after a few weeks, the inspirational messages underwent a subtle change. “Brexit means Bullshit!!” and “The UK Is The Laughing Stock Of The World!!” featured early on, whereas Mr October was actually Donald Trump holding what looked like a mushroom.

“It wasn’t an error, it was an act of sabotage!” exclaimed DExEU spokesman LaFinn Stock. “Why can’t they understand that Brexit is happening and needs to happen? The saboteurs have made us into a laughing stock!”

Passing over the irony, we asked Stock to explain why Brexit had to happen before April 1st. Sovereignty, maybe, or tighter immigration controls?

“End of the tax year,” he said. “So all the skilled people can enjoy their dividends immediately!”

Sunlit uplands? You could have fooled me.

LCD Views can report live from the scene of the Brexit stand off today with a SHOCK exclusive that Brexit has begun drinking its own wee.

“Late last night as journalists begun tweeting about yet another possible breakthrough in negotiations regarding fantasy versions of a customs union, and completely ignoring the issue of the single market, so not changing anything at all, so still being completely f*cking useless and still ending FOM to keep a small wedge of racist voters happy, one of the hostages managed to get a note out detailing conditions inside the bank basement where Brexit is keeping nearly 70M people hostage.”

It seems conditions have deteriorated so far now that Brexit has begun drinking its own wee.

“We’re not sure if it’s out of the spiral of madness or because Brexit just likes the taste,” our correspondent corresponds, “there are also rumours that the water supply to the basement has been cut off, but again the situation is unclear. Was it cut off to try and force Brexit out and end the hostage situation? Or was it cut off because of a burst water main due to the utility having been privatised and purposefully underfunded for years because the private owners will be unaffected by loss of water?”

What is clear is that Brexit’s smash and grab hostage situation isn’t going to plan.

“This was supposed to be a smash and grab. Get a massive majority in the June 2017 election and then just crash out. Hold a gun to everyone’s head. As no one, business or government, will have had sufficient time to work up contingencies. You’ll have to deal with Brexit. But now?”

Now, it seems after the wee drinking the next stage is a mighty shit sandwich, consumed in a basement no one can get out of, with Brexit blaming the hostages for the taste even though it was Brexit that buttered the bread in the first place.

LCD Views can report this morning on exhaustive social media analysis undertaken by the largely discredited University of Life.

”The U.K. is expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream,” Professor H‘ardknocks told our social trends correspondent.

”It doesn’t matter where you sit on the political spectrum. If you’re a leaver you can’t understand why WE DONT JUST LEEVE GET OUT NOW!. If you’re a remainer, well, you’re sure this is a nightmare, rather than a dream. Any moment you’ll bolt upright in your bed and know Theresa May wasn’t actually given Henry VIII powers by parliament. Because who in their right mind would give the author of the Hosile Environment that sort of unchecked say over the many?”

Is this largely because we had a whole world war about the dark forces driving along with Brexit, and calling the tune of the Tories, and everyone was invited?

“Precisely.”

What about if you’re a diehard Corbyn supporter?

”We’ll, you’re pinching yourself expecting to wake up. To finally have the messiah so close to absolute power, even if he shows little visible sign of really wanting it, is like a dream come true. It’s even more a dream come true if you ignore all his actions since the referendum and what they mean for your rights. What sort of social democrat supports a hard right project? It’s not real. It must be a dream.”

And what about if you’re Theresa May? The fall guy for the neocon, asset stripping, human hating psychos who’ll hang you out to dry a minute after Brexit?

”Do androids dream of electric sheep?”

Good question.

”It is. I’d say the Maybot is having the time of her pre-programmed life. Getting to turf out millions of foreigners? Yes. A dream come true.”

Her  Majesty’s Government has moved to get all the people onside with the announcement of an epic Dover door closing ceremony to be held on the 29th March 2019.

“A giant, animatronic Theresa May will slam closed a monumental, real door in the face of France at the moment the United Kingdom regains complete idiocy next March,” Ceremony organiser Owen Paterson told LCD Views, during a windswept interview on the cliffs of Dover.

“Let me correct that. The moment the UK regains total sovereignty to be bossed about forever more by the three major global power blocs, the USA, China and the tyrannical EU.”

Quite how the French will take the slamming shut of the door is anyone’s guess, but it’s most likely it will trigger an urgent desire to negotiate a bilateral trade deal favourable to Global Britain Empire 2.0.

“It’ll put the wind right up the cheese eating surrender monkeys,” Mr Paterson affirmed, nodding vigorously, “they don’t like it up them. British diplomacy is the best in the world.”

As to what will happen with the ceremony if there is a change in government before the 29th March 2019, well, contingencies are in place.

“We’ve a spare cardboard cutout Corbyn ready to be wheeled up to the cliff edge and slam the door instead,” Mr Paterson said, “never forget he called for the triggering of Article 50 on the 24th June 2016. For some baffling reason not related to any cursory examination of his parliamentary voting record over decades, some of his supporters believe he is a remainer. It’s pretty funny. I’d be just as happy with him slamming the door shut as I will be with Queen Boudicca 2.0 doing it.”

Perhaps they could slam the door shut together? As they’re agreed that freedom of movement must end, and all that means for the workforce, future aspirations and freedoms of the citizens of Brextannia?

“Good idea. That will unite the country already coming together over the cross party leadership initiative of Brexit. I’ll have Seamus talk to Davis and line it up. We can wheel them up to the cliff edge on a giant trolley together. As long as there’s not a stiff breeze on the day, they shouldn’t be blown over. Slam the door! And slam it shut!”

“Britain is forging ahead with Brexit,” Liz Truss, who landed with the other aliens in V, will tell a rapt Tory Conference hall later today, “and Britons are forging ahead in other areas too.”

At this precise moment we can expect her to pause pregnantly, stare vacantly ahead, letting the tension rise, before cutting it with a brick.

”For too long Britons have turned to other countries to fulfill our need for counterfeit goods, such as fake cheese, replica pork, which is a shame!”

Another pause, full of puppies in a sack all squirming for release. She will inhale, raise a clenched fist and go on,

”Well no more! Only by grasping the opportunities presented by Brexit can this great country produce all its own moody goods at home.”

Yet another dramatic pause. Absence of visible thought to provoke anticipation in her audience.

”Take fake birth certificates? If you don’t have the roughly £750K required to buy yourself a burgundy passport to retain F O M after B R E X I T, then it’ll be perfectly easy to pop down to your local food bank and see Big Harry around the back and arrange for the birth certificate of the country of your choice.”

Apparently with modern, portable, digital printing methods Big Harry will knock you out a Belgium or a German, or heaven forbid, a French birth certificate in seconds for a reasonable fee payable in used bank notes or bitcoin.

”After you have the certificate simply send it to the Home Office and request settled status and one of our award winning enforcement vans will have you on the other side of the channel faster than you can say get some pork on your fork.”

Britain is forging ahead with Brexit and Britons are forging a new future outside of Brexitannia. It’s a boom indiusty of today and tomorrow.

Esther McVey blew them away today at the 2018 Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham with the  release of ‘Youth Sweep’, a smart phone based app that will ensure every child has work, no matter how disasterous the post Brexit world is.

Esther agreed to speak only to LCD Views after the release of the app, WHICH WORKS, an honour we felt keenly.

”Do you have any children?” Esther began the interview, “and if so, are they at school or are they adding to the vital output of Brexitannia by working?”

We had to admit they were currently at school.

”I’ll soon see to that. Working with the Chancellor and our colleagues in the department of Education we are going to make state education so expensive, by way of endless parental top ups, that you’ll soon have to choose which child to educate and which to send out to work. Well, if you want to eat in the post Brexit inflation driven food shortage crisis that is.”

Maybe we could educate one and eat the other? Two birds with one stone?

”Oh, have you been talking to Gove? Do you know if he’s backing Boris or Jacob?”

We couldn’t say. We suspect he’s telling everyone he’s backing them. But let’s hear more about this exciting app?

”See chimney? Well, stuff a child up it. That’s my motto.”

Send your child’s dreams up in smoke?

”That’s why we get up in the morning, we modern Conservatives, so completely corrupted by greed and a mixture of American neocon and Russian kleptocrat cash!”

You are certainly making great strides!

”But there is one important restriction on who can download and find work with the Youth Sweep app.”

And that is?

”Any family rich enough to buy their children an EU27 burgundy passport to go with their British blue will not be allowed to take jobs from the poor.”

That’s very kind of you.

”Full child employment and zero education, that’s my motto!”

You certainly have a lot of mottos.

”I do. Now, have you got any Dalmatian puppies?”

How many do you need?

”101 ought to do!”

Download ‘Youth Sweep’ today, get your child prepared for the employment of tomorrow.

Play up! Play up! And play the game! Long game, or game for a laugh? It’s just not cricket.

And where games are being played, gambling is not far behind. Are there long odds on the long game? You bet.

Theresa May is prevaricating about the bush, filibustering the best she can. Playing for time. When the final whistle goes, at 11pm on 29 March, 2019, if neither side emerges victorious, then we go to a shoot-out.

This is the way it will work. On the principle of Russian Roulette, there will be a revolver. This gun will, unusually, contain a full quotient of six bullets instead of the usual single bullet.

The team captains will take it in turns to point the loaded weapon at their temple, and pull the trigger. Last man standing wins.

This much we already know: Theresa May has successfully negotiated for the UK to take the initial shot. Britain First, she insisted.

May is going for the big win. She will shoot, presumably score, and by winning the game, she will lose.

This most pyrrhic of victories will be celebrated back home. Already plans are in place to mark the occasion with a massive festival. In true Brexit fashion, the party will most likely resemble a wake.

This is what being British is all about. Snatching glorious defeat from the jaws of victory, and boasting that it was deliberate, and even heroic. That’s the Dunkirk spirit!

The soundtrack will be provided by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. When two tribes go to war, one is all that two can score. May and Barnier will reprise the Gorbachev and Reagan roles of the 80s nuclear willy-waving years.

The starting pistol has been fired. The UK is still in the blocks, wondering which way to run. Our leaders have put a gun against their own heads.

Many things are visible from space. The Great Wall Of China. New York City. Boris Johnson’s ego. But very few things are audible. In space, nobody can hear you scream, it is said. But the tense silence surrounding the Earth will be broken, should British leaders call off Brexit.

Scientists from NASA have calculated that the sigh of relief, should Brexit be dropped, would break the sound barrier and reverberate throughout the solar system. Already satellites have been placed on standby to detect the anticipated shock wave.

NASA spokesman Dr Luna Module tried to demystify the scientific principles involved. “Normal sound only passes through another medium,” she said. “Like air, or water. Here at NASA we have discovered a type of cosmic sound that can be detected in the wastes of space.”

This so-called ‘hyper-noise’, explained Dr Module, is created when a planetary or stellar body experiences a significant wobble. “This can be caused by any number of things,” she said. “Like a catastrophic event. The imminent implosion of the Brexit singularity will be accompanied by a sigh the like of which has never been heard before. The sheer relaxation of the planet will create tremors which would be audible many millions of miles up.”

It is hard to describe this new sound adequately. “Imagine Pink Floyd,” said Dr Module helpfully. “Or Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Rocket Man, or the Sound Of Silence. It’s nothing like any of them.”

The sound will travel, in all probability, throughout the solar system. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the little green men from Mars are already taking precautions against the sound causing their heads to explode.

The sigh is predicted to dislodge some of the many space rocks floating about the solar system. If it happens, instead of fireworks, expect a major display of shooting stars.

The latest consensus on what could go on the People’s Vote ballot paper is another binary choice. Theresa May’s Blind Brexit or Jeremy Corbyn’s Sleepwalking Brexit.

This week’s Labour Party conference confirmed that it was still thinking about whether to Brexit or not. It considered the possibility of putting the decision to the British public. In the end, to cement its position, Momentum activists were sent to the hardware shop for timber and concrete. If we are going to sit on the fence, one insider suggested, might as well make sure it’s robust.

Labour is playing such a long game, it’s as if they left the room for a comfort break, and, instead of returning to the game, went on holiday instead.

As a result, it looks like we will have a choice between two evils. The country is at an impasse, caught between Corbyn’s irresistible farce and May’s immovable objection.

Political expert Rob Da Poore analysed the two options for us. “May has blinkered herself,” claims Da Poore. “See no evil, you know. Her red lines prevent any progress. Instead she is regressing towards the cliff edge and certain doom. Whereas Corbyn is making superficially attractive statements. He is promising to shake the magic money tree for the benefit of the many. But he is hamstrung by the promise to respect the referendum result. By saying much but doing little, he, too, is wandering towards the abyss.”

Surely the opinions of the People are important, so we spoke to everyman Joe Public. “I’m not bothered,” said Public. “If we are heading for oblivion either way, it doesn’t matter, does it? So long as I can still go to Star Wars conventions, I don’t care.”

Public revealed that he intends to vote Jedi should there ever be another election. “I can cope with their plans for world domination,” he explains.

Enjoy the rattling of lightsabres. May the farce be with you.