Category: Brexit

It’s just not cricket, old boy. There’s many a slip twixt gully and wicket-keeper – or backstop.

“Barnier just doesn’t get it,” complained Raab. “He wants the gloves to come off, which is bad news for a wicket-keeper. He took his eye off the ball there.”

There’s also a lot of confusing talk about borders. “Yes, that’s another area where I had to put Michel right,” confirms Raab. “It’s actually called a boundary, and it’s made of rope. So all this talk about hard borders and soft borders is really a load of nonsense.”

The proposed border – or boundary – checkpoints is another non-issue, according to Raab. “The umpire’s decision is final,” he said. “The only technological solution you need is a TV camera to check whether the ball touched the rope. I told him that. It knocked him for six!”

Raab revealed how progress in the Brexit talks were progressing. “It’s two hours of cut and thrust,” he said. “Then you stop for lunch. Then two more hours. Then a tea break. Then two final hours, shake hands, and all down the pub to get bladdered! The whole thing takes up to five days, and if there is no result, you call it a draw.”

And the finer points of negotiation are finally clarified. “When you are in, you go out, and when you are out, you go in,” explained Raab. “That’s how cricket, I mean Brexit, works.”

The latest test had been a long drawn out, attritional affair. “Captain May is still at the crease!” claims Raab. “She is batting for Britain. No balls, that’s Barnier’s problem, no balls.”

The situation is finely poised. May is playing for time, trying to avoid defeat against Barnier’s straight and accurate deliveries. But there is a break in play while Barnier insists on having a backstop, and May is reluctant to allow it, whatever the rules say.

It looks like Brexit may have to be decided by the Duckworth-Lewis method.

It seems not a week goes by without another of Britain’s best-loved sitcoms getting a makeover. This time it’s the turn of Only Fools & Horses, which the BBC have announced is getting a reboot under a new title, “Only Brexiters & Unicorns”.

The show will be written by Jim Sullivan, son of John Sullivan who wrote the original. On being asked about the viability of a remake, he had this to say:

“Only Fools & Horses has always reflected the times – Del and Rodney moved with the times, so it can be updated to any time period and will still work in principle, as long as you get the characters right.”

Half the work in getting the characters right is the casting, and the cast looks promising. The part of Del Boy in this updated version will be played by Nigel Farage. He bangs out the old catchphrases “you know it makes sense!” and “this time next year we’ll be millionaires!” with absolute conviction – and an ever-dwindling bank balance in the case of the latter.

Del’s long-suffering brother Rodney, who doesn’t approve of Del’s schemes but still goes along with them, is here played by Jeremy Corbyn, while the role of old seadog Uncle Albert, who tries to talk them out of it with his old tales that always begin with the catchphrase “during the war”, has been given to John Major.

Other supporting roles have also been allocated: the idiot Trigger who would always spout total rubbish yet believe it firmly, will be played by Theresa May, while the snobbish Boycie will be played by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The new version will depict life in post-Brexit Britain, just as the old one depicted life under Thatcher’s Britain in the 1980s. Del and Rodney are the same as ever, traders trying to make it in a broken country. Although this time there is humour to be derived from the sudden absence of European health & safety standards in the country.

The pilot episode features a nod to the original with a remake of the scene where Del falls through the gap in bar. In this version, Nigel Farage’s version of the character attempts to sue the pub after falling and hurting himself, but is scuppered by a safety notice in plain sight which he failed to spot, warning people not to lean against the bar when the hatch is up. When it transpires that the safety notice was an EU directive, he attempts to blame the EU for restrictive health & safety measures, completely forgetting that they were designed to stop him from having his fall in the first place.

Other episodes will include the characters disregarding more EU health & safety regulations to clean a chandelier on the cheap, and acquiring some British-made inflatable sex dolls that have accidentally been fitted with a dangerous explosive gas.

The remake will hit our screens in March 2019, so have a watch. You know it makes sense.

The divisions in the UK have created a rift in the space-time continuum. Clever boffins have peeked through this rift to discover another, parallel universe. In this alternative vision, the UK voted overwhelmingly to Remain in the EU.

Naturally this has upset ardent Brexiters. Presented with indisputable evidence, they have queued up to rubbish it.

“Non est ad astra mollis e terris via”, said Jacob Rees-Mogg. “This common phrase, which requires no interpretation from oneself, should teach one to keep one’s feet on the ground. Reaching for the stars is tantamount to blasphemy, and positing a parallel universe is a contradiction of God’s almighty law. Those who trek through stars would be well to remember this: ire fortiter quo nemo ante iit.”

Others were less eloquent. Andrew Bridgen, MP for NW Brexit-shire, thundered “It’s all a load of old codswallop, innit?” Bridgen, who is due to be replaced by a cheese sandwich before the next election, is clearly in a bit of a pickle.

Seeking guidance amid the bluster and waffle, LCD Views spoke to clever dick Alec Smartt. “I have passed through the rift, and brought back evidence,” said Smartt. He waved a copy of a newspaper. “This is a copy of the Daily Mail from June 2016. Its headline reads, ‘Stay sane, vote Remain!’. The article praises the EU, claiming it brings stability and prosperity to the UK!”

The paper looked genuine enough. It was full of articles mocking fat celebrities next to pieces about low self-esteem. There was a special feature about house prices. Yet it was all consistent with a country at ease with its place in Europe.

Smartt also produced an edition of The Guardian from 2018, incoherently promoting the madcap opinions of fringe activist Boris Johnson.

The rift healed itself very quickly, claimed Smartt, leading his opponents to wonder which drugs he was on, and where they could get hold of some.

UK prime minister Theresa may has confirmed that she intends to extend the Brexit transition period until all the university age children of her Conservative MPs have completed their gap years on the pan-European Erasmus student exchange programme.

Addressing parliament after her latest humiliating rebuffal in Brussels Mrs May was in typically upbeat mood.

“Let’s make no mistake, Brexit means Brexit means better opportunities for posh kids and generally screwing everyone else. We’re only doing it once so let’s make sure we do it right,” she stated, glaring maniacally, a smile like the shadow of a hangman’s swaying noose playing gently around her lips.

“We’ve had a quick poll of our MPs, parliamentary candidates and local councillors and we think the last of their kids should have finished their Erasmus years by the end of 2021, so that’s the date we’re going for, she explained.

Quizzed by Labour’s shadow education secretary about what UK students will do after 2021, when they lose the right to Erasmus exchanges, Mrs May was quick to explain that her government was committed to replace lost opportunities in Europe, with better opportunities closer to home.

“In future children of Tory voters educated at public schools and the better selective grammar schools will automatically be granted places at Oxford or Cambridge,” she said explaining that this would in effect herald a return to the system that existed prior to the UK’s admission to the EU.

“This is the system that was the foundation of the British empire and helped us win two world wars, with no help from Johnny Foreigner and his Erasmus pals,” she shouted over loud protests from opposition MPs.

“And the sooner you proles, plebs and lefties recognise the fact, the quicker we can get on with making this country great again,” she barked, wiggling her hips and shuffling her feet in time with the chant of “There’ll Always Be an England” from her back benchers.

A spokesman for the Erasmus programme confirmed that the UK’s departure would be a sad loss, and that many bars and nightclubs across the continent were already facing bankruptcy as a result. 

Prime Minister in name only, Theresa May, revealed why the problem of homeless people is not actually a problem at all. On the contrary, they possess the survival skills necessary following a no deal Brexit.

LCD Views spoke to the PM while she was locked out of negotiations in Brussels. “Brexit means Brexit,” she said, surprisingly. “It will enable the weakest members of society to prosper and even be role models.”

She tapped hopefully on the closed door, but it remained resolutely shut. “Let me be entirely clear about this,” she continued. “This means taking back control from the unelected bureaucrats behind that door, and empowering the undesirables.”

Unsure whether she was referring to the homeless, or the kleptocrats driving global calamity, we sought clarification. “The bullying EU is forcing our hand again,” she gaslighted. “This is not acceptable. They are giving us nothing, and the best equipped at making something from nothing are people with nothing. If the homeless can survive with no home, job or money, then surely the rest of us can.”

Seeking an alternative point of view, we spoke to a chap sleeping in a shop doorway, who gave his name simply as ‘Spud’. “The mad cow doesn’t have a Scooby Doo!” croaked Spud, washing down the sandwiches we bought for him with a swig of White Lightning. “We can’t hunt or grow crops. We are scavengers by nature. It’s back to that other idiot rummaging in the council dump, innit?”

Wise words indeed.

Despite Spud’s assurances, reports have reached us of trendy young Londoners sleeping rough for pleasure, calling the practice ‘urban camping’. Genuine rough sleepers have complained of hipsters drinking Prosecco in the most desirable doorways.

Meanwhile the price of a dog on a string has rocketed, forcing the genuine homeless to adopt urban foxes instead.

Indeed, with some now charging rent for a street berth, the homeless are even homelesser. The homeless chic of it.

Tumescent breaking news this morning on breast augmentations and how non-invasive getting a boost will be after Brexit.

“We all know food is a great medicine,” lead plastic surgeon at Two4One Boobs (a private medical practice facing criminal prosecution), Doctor Bigizbest, told our topography correspondent,

“you’ve got a swelling you can’t quite explain? Eat a marrow! You’ve got a cold that won’t go away? Yeast extract combined with petroleum jelly! You’ve lost a leg in a hunting accident? Octopus combined with frog! Well, after Brexit all you will need to do if you hanker for a bigger cup size is eat chicken. The bigger you want your tits, and I don’t mean small garden birds here, the more chicken breasts you chow down on. Yummy! Yum!”

But what will change after Brexit?

“Hormones man! Hormones! Hormones will change in quantity and probably in quality,” the good Doctor went on, cupping his hands in front of his chest,

“and I’m not talking about endocrine system smashing chemicals in our water supply thanks to the all green is good Tory government fracking the frack out of your water table so old and vested family interests can eek a little more coin out of fossil fuels before we all drown under a sea of plastic in a methane fog!”

Well, what are you talking about then?

“American chicken! Have you seen the moobs on the American president? Do you hanker for broader haberdashery bill yourself? Then let’s get importing! Call up Doctor Fox and tell him to put away those scalpels, we’re going to dine our way to WOW BABY! WHEN DID YOU GET THOSE DONE?!”

Finger lickin’ good! Let’s get it done!

Brexiter Andrea Jenkyns belongs to the foaming-at-the-mouth wing of the Conservative Party. In her latest statement, she puts her trench foot into her mouth as usual.

Never in the field of human politics was so much owed to so few by so many. Her entrenched wartime metaphor illustrates the fact that Britain is at war. With itself. And like all wars, the result will be pyrrhic at best.

There is no enemy. This is class war, unleashed on The People by unelected figures intent on not paying their dues.

“It is better to go down fighting…” writes Jenkyns, admitting defeat. A pointless, humiliating, glorious defeat like Dunkirk.

The British are good at framing defeat as victory. The Charge of the Light Brigade celebrates the slaughter of hundreds of British horsemen sent against a battery of cannons. It’s like conceding ten goals in a football match, but only remembering the jammy last-minute consolation goal.

The whole subtext is that Jenkyns would prefer subjugation to surrender, because the latter would involve admitting that she was wrong.

We will defeat ourselves on the beaches. We will defeat ourselves in our fields and on our streets. We will cut off our own heads of necessary. That’ll show them who’s boss.

“Surrender to EU demands,” writes Jenkyns, forgetting the fact that it is actually the UK which is making demands and threats. We create the problem, it’s your fault that you don’t have the answers. Dig (yourself into a hole) For Britain!

So tin hats on, canned goods piled up in the Anderson shelter, plenty of blitz spirit. Except that we are our own enemies. Brexit is the cancer of the body politic. Britain is fast becoming the sick man of Europe again.

Our Brexiter friends may go down in history as the first war criminals not associated with any wars. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.

Saint George’s Hospital in south London is in lockdown today after a surprise patient was rushed to the famous hospital’s A&E department earlier today with suspected Brexit poisoning.

LCD Views has a correspondent at the hospital, who was receiving a triple bypass they were not expected to survive when the drama begun to unfold like a freezing and toxic fog.

Their survival was at first thought to be miraculous, but now it seems likely they made it through because Death itself was taken seriously ill at exactly the time of the surgery.

We phoned them up and told them to get out of that bed and interview a consultant treating the unexpected visitor.

They sent in this interview with Emergency Medicine and Poisoning Specialist, Doctor Arch Angel.

”Shortly before 11am this morning we were altered by emergency services that a black garbed individual with distinctive facial features and a fondness for old agricultural equipment had been taken ill at Clapham Junction Station waiting for the delayed 07:32 Southern Trains service to Brighton…”

An ambulance was dispatched to the station with orders to avoid all skin contact with the stricken commuter, just in case it was DWP Secretary Esther McVey.

But on arrival at the scene it was discovered it was actually her servant, the Grim Reaper.

”Mr Reaper was rushed to the hospital and immediately placed in an isolation ward. From the smell, the rapid progress of symptoms and the clear highly transmitable nature of the substance causing the dramatic loss of all vital organs of state, one after another, we immediately diagnosed Brexit poisoning.”

The Grim Reaper is now in intensive care, but the specialists confronted with the case are unsure if they will be able to help with any recovery at all.

”This is not my first brush with death,” Dr Angel said, “but I am uncertain if even my years of experience can affect a reversal in the patient’s deterioration. Why Death decided to touch Brexit we can only guess, if it was deliberate and not accidental, but I suspect it’s because he thought it would be fun to kill not only the Tory Party with it, but the careers of numerous Labour MPs too.”

The emergency services have since issued a reminder that all members of the public should never, under any circumstances, touch or ingest Brexit.

”It’s not a game, like poker, it’s life and death. It’s particularly dangerous to spoilt children as can be seen by what’s happening currently in parliament.”

10 Downing Street was forced to issue yet another in a near endless stream of denials this afternoon after some intern at DExEU tweeted that the “WA with EU is all stitched up and it’s a seamless and vigorous stitch up, just like my work outs. Hoograh! Just wait until the WA self destructs a minute after Brexit on the 29/03/19”.

The tweet set off a blaze of guesswork in the Westminster village, already at a near fever pitch over whether everyone’s favourite mother, Andrea Leadsom, might be the latest Brexiter to take the slightest opportunity to get out of dodge, before the proverbial hits the fan.

Minutes after the tweet by the intern, named by insiders as a Dominic Raab, Laura Kuenssberg, in theory a BBC journalist, but more correctly the greatest fan of Theresa May’s, and her most helpful fan at that, poured fuel on the fire with the following assault on common sense,

”It’s obvious from Raab’s tweet that Banksy has been approached, most likely commissioned already, to draw up and frame WA with EU”

A minute later she added,

”The WA won’t be worth the paper it’s written on. Is this strong and stable dealmaking? What will Barnier make of the involvement of Britain’s foremost contemporary artist in the Brexit process? Game changer.”

Banksy himself wasn’t available for comment, but an approach to 10 Downing Street by ourselves was met with the following denile,

“The Prime Minister denies commissioning Banksy to draw up and frame a withdrawal agreement with the EU. Your modern, caring Conservatives have absolutely no intention of just getting the EU to agree to whatever vague fudge we can so we can drag the country over the Brexit line on the 29/03/19, and into a playground for kleptocrats and sociopaths. Prophecy must be fulfilled. Nothing must stand in the way of the one true, neocon, asset stripping God of Brexit. Amen.”

We think they doth protest too much. They said they didn’t commission Banksy, they didn’t say they didn’t ask and were told where to go…