UK prime minister Theresa may has confirmed that she intends to extend the Brexit transition period until all the university age children of her Conservative MPs have completed their gap years on the pan-European Erasmus student exchange programme.
Addressing parliament after her latest humiliating rebuffal in Brussels Mrs May was in typically upbeat mood.
“Let’s make no mistake, Brexit means Brexit means better opportunities for posh kids and generally screwing everyone else. We’re only doing it once so let’s make sure we do it right,” she stated, glaring maniacally, a smile like the shadow of a hangman’s swaying noose playing gently around her lips.
“We’ve had a quick poll of our MPs, parliamentary candidates and local councillors and we think the last of their kids should have finished their Erasmus years by the end of 2021, so that’s the date we’re going for, she explained.
Quizzed by Labour’s shadow education secretary about what UK students will do after 2021, when they lose the right to Erasmus exchanges, Mrs May was quick to explain that her government was committed to replace lost opportunities in Europe, with better opportunities closer to home.
“In future children of Tory voters educated at public schools and the better selective grammar schools will automatically be granted places at Oxford or Cambridge,” she said explaining that this would in effect herald a return to the system that existed prior to the UK’s admission to the EU.
“This is the system that was the foundation of the British empire and helped us win two world wars, with no help from Johnny Foreigner and his Erasmus pals,” she shouted over loud protests from opposition MPs.
“And the sooner you proles, plebs and lefties recognise the fact, the quicker we can get on with making this country great again,” she barked, wiggling her hips and shuffling her feet in time with the chant of “There’ll Always Be an England” from her back benchers.
A spokesman for the Erasmus programme confirmed that the UK’s departure would be a sad loss, and that many bars and nightclubs across the continent were already facing bankruptcy as a result.