The divisions in the UK have created a rift in the space-time continuum. Clever boffins have peeked through this rift to discover another, parallel universe. In this alternative vision, the UK voted overwhelmingly to Remain in the EU.
Naturally this has upset ardent Brexiters. Presented with indisputable evidence, they have queued up to rubbish it.
“Non est ad astra mollis e terris via”, said Jacob Rees-Mogg. “This common phrase, which requires no interpretation from oneself, should teach one to keep one’s feet on the ground. Reaching for the stars is tantamount to blasphemy, and positing a parallel universe is a contradiction of God’s almighty law. Those who trek through stars would be well to remember this: ire fortiter quo nemo ante iit.”
Others were less eloquent. Andrew Bridgen, MP for NW Brexit-shire, thundered “It’s all a load of old codswallop, innit?” Bridgen, who is due to be replaced by a cheese sandwich before the next election, is clearly in a bit of a pickle.
Seeking guidance amid the bluster and waffle, LCD Views spoke to clever dick Alec Smartt. “I have passed through the rift, and brought back evidence,” said Smartt. He waved a copy of a newspaper. “This is a copy of the Daily Mail from June 2016. Its headline reads, ‘Stay sane, vote Remain!’. The article praises the EU, claiming it brings stability and prosperity to the UK!”
The paper looked genuine enough. It was full of articles mocking fat celebrities next to pieces about low self-esteem. There was a special feature about house prices. Yet it was all consistent with a country at ease with its place in Europe.
Smartt also produced an edition of The Guardian from 2018, incoherently promoting the madcap opinions of fringe activist Boris Johnson.
The rift healed itself very quickly, claimed Smartt, leading his opponents to wonder which drugs he was on, and where they could get hold of some.