Prime Minister in name only, Theresa May, revealed why the problem of homeless people is not actually a problem at all. On the contrary, they possess the survival skills necessary following a no deal Brexit.
LCD Views spoke to the PM while she was locked out of negotiations in Brussels. “Brexit means Brexit,” she said, surprisingly. “It will enable the weakest members of society to prosper and even be role models.”
She tapped hopefully on the closed door, but it remained resolutely shut. “Let me be entirely clear about this,” she continued. “This means taking back control from the unelected bureaucrats behind that door, and empowering the undesirables.”
Unsure whether she was referring to the homeless, or the kleptocrats driving global calamity, we sought clarification. “The bullying EU is forcing our hand again,” she gaslighted. “This is not acceptable. They are giving us nothing, and the best equipped at making something from nothing are people with nothing. If the homeless can survive with no home, job or money, then surely the rest of us can.”
Seeking an alternative point of view, we spoke to a chap sleeping in a shop doorway, who gave his name simply as ‘Spud’. “The mad cow doesn’t have a Scooby Doo!” croaked Spud, washing down the sandwiches we bought for him with a swig of White Lightning. “We can’t hunt or grow crops. We are scavengers by nature. It’s back to that other idiot rummaging in the council dump, innit?”
Wise words indeed.
Despite Spud’s assurances, reports have reached us of trendy young Londoners sleeping rough for pleasure, calling the practice ‘urban camping’. Genuine rough sleepers have complained of hipsters drinking Prosecco in the most desirable doorways.
Meanwhile the price of a dog on a string has rocketed, forcing the genuine homeless to adopt urban foxes instead.
Indeed, with some now charging rent for a street berth, the homeless are even homelesser. The homeless chic of it.