The entire modern, compassionate Conservative Party is to be replaced by a hunk of salty gammon, one pot of mashed potato for brains and a gaggle of turnips before the next general election.
The decision has been taken to better reflect the qualities required by a party of government which is in reality just a policy implementation lever for the nest of dark money funded, hard right think tanks currently nesting at 55 Tufton Street.
”As part of the update the Conservative Party HQ will also move to 55 Tufton Street,” Mr Forkineye, spokesman for the Cons revealed, “the basement already currently acts as a hive of alien facehugger eggs. In here we push teenage Tories to ensure they are carriers of the party ideology. So it’s really just completing a move that’s been ongoing slowly for a long time.”
The move will also secure a more direct line of funding for the modern, caring Conservatives after traditional lines started drying up.
”Boris saying f*ck business, in fact our entire policy approach of f*ck every conceivable thing that is good on earth means we need to rely more heavily on the international clique of modern fascists to fund our psyops campaigns and trick people into thinking they live in a democracy still. By moving in with the think tanks we front for we can now just lean over and say, pass me the petty cash tin please Steve ‘white bedsheet’ B.”
When asked if they expected any pushback from Tory rebels over the move and the blatant nature of who is calling the shots, the spokesman just laughed. We took that to mean there will be the usual pantomime of resistence before capitulation.
Enquiries over whether or not Labour planned a similar move, say to an office in the Kremlin? We’re met with a smirk and an offer to work on a collectivised ‘jobs first’ allotment after Brexit.