British politics emptiest vessel, David Cameron, famous for allegedly shagging a dead pig in the head (we only mention this whenever we can because we’re gutter press), has spoken today in an imaginary interview about the fixed term parliament act.
“Pull the other one,” the vapid void chugged, “it’s got pork in it.”
The soundless cymbal’s guff was a retort to a question we put to him in all seriousness. That being,
Do you think the fixed term parliament act has emboldened some MPs to lie? Like, all the bloody time?
“I have no regrets.”
That wasn’t the question.
“I did not have sexual relations with that pig.”
That also is not the question. What is the question is do you think the fixed term parliament act, brought in under your premiership, has emboldened some MPs to lie through their teeth as they fear less the consequences? Who cares if you cheese off the electorate, five years as an MP is enough to pad the nest forever and off you go to your pension and non-exec board position?
“I figured five years was how long we needed to properly stitch up the doe eyed LibDems and then get back to two party politics.”
That’s a surprisingly honest answer, but you haven’t answered the question.
So again, so many MPs, from both Labour and Conservative, lie continually and provably to the public, is there any connection to the fixed term parliament act, brought in under your premiership, do you think?
“I don’t think. Well, not a lot. I do think about…are you any good at finishing off a memoir?”
Is it a memoir that ends in complete and utter failure, after a time as a PM during which you promoted people with misguided ideologies, zero empathy and set the country up for one of the greatest self inflicted calamities for a very long time, before buggering off into a shed you were happy to boast cost the average annual income?
“That’s the one. Don’t mention the pig though.”
I think we’ll let you stew on that one yourself. We’re sure you’ll pull through.
“I keep scratching away.”
David Cameron, thank you for your imaginary time.
“Where do I send the bill?”