Category: Tory Tory Tory

YOU’VE GOT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY: Covid schmovid. What’s the point of being in charge of the rules if you can’t use them to your advantage? It’s the main reason why people become MPs. 

The current crop of Tory MPs are a case in point. There is no act so depraved, so corrupt, so hypocritical that will prevent them from defending it to the hilt. 

Now the infamous illegal Downing Street party has come under scrutiny. As ever, sacrificial lambs have been despatched to all major news outlets to defend the indefensible. 

“Why did officials at Downing Street think it was a good idea to throw a party, while prohibiting them for everyone else?” asked every interviewer across the land. 

Most prevaricated, and wheeled out some bollocks about not being there, because it didn’t happen. But one bright spark, angling for a promotion no doubt, had a genuine answer. 

“There’s a very simple answer, and this is it,” announced Tory MP Will Yubelievit. “Rules are rules, and the rule is that the only legal party is a Conservative party. You will find the relevant legislation in due course.” 

“The rules, at that point, stated that there should be no gatherings,” persisted the interviewer. “No parties, nothing. What do you say to all the people who made sacrifices for the good of everyone else?” 

“We all know that the virus respects a convivial fraternal spirit,” said Yubelievit. “This is known to exist only in the highest echelons of the Conservative Party. The virus respects the rules and the authority of the land. It’s known as following the science.” 

Ten Downing Street refused to confirm or deny Yubelievit’s claim. But you can bet your bottom dollar that they wanted to take credit for it. 

Christmas is saved. The simple solution is to join a Conservative party. Immunity from rules, responsibilities and covid will follow. 

CARING CONSERVATIVES : 10 Downing Street has responded today to criticism of its plan for social care and replaced the entire system with the Bubonic Plague.

The decision to replace the entire costly and inadequately staffed sector with a virulent disease is being seen as hailing a “return to basics” and “traditional old age policy”.

“You won’t have to worry about selling your home to pay for your care if you catch yersini pestis the moment you retire,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a stroke of genius. And your kids get to inherit your home instantly. This is a levelling up decision which means it doesn’t matter how much your home is worth, everyone with kids will see them inherit it the day they get their first pension cheque. Well, I say see, that’s not entirely accurate as you’ll be in a fever as part of a rapid deterioration in your health. But you get the gist.”

But critics of the plan have pointed out that simply knocking people off with a disease that takes you out within 48 hours will see the booming PPE sector “wither on the vine”.

“No. That is just more nonsense from the opposition. The need for plague doctor outfits will be continual. Anyone who’s ever bought a drink for a sitting, or former Tory MP, can be reassured of receiving a contract for those beak things plague doctors wear worth many millions.”

The plague will be developed locally too and will avoid the supply chain issues faced by many sectors of the UK economy because of some weird magic that occurred the moment Brexit got done.

“This is an Oven Ready Bubonic Plague and underlines exactly how much the Prime Minister cares about the hardworking men and women of this country.”

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN : The ruling CONservative Party has hit a rough patch with the public in recent weeks, although that is largely the fault of the global supply chain crisis driving inflation, and not Brexit or corruption or the economic illiteracy driving their deadly pandemic response.

Happily the GRG – Grift Research Group – has come up with a policy so popular the polls will be surging up like the tides of untreated sewage all around the UK.

“We’re going to resign if we can’t keep our second jobs,” Pig Trough, MP for Lobbying, told LCD Views. “Because if we can’t keep our second jobs we can’t keep our third, fourth, fifth or six jobs. It’s a bit rum. One does not come into public service to serve the public. The public are intensely unreasonable. Have you seen the way they carry on? You can’t help those who won’t help themselves. We show them how to help themselves by helping ourselves to everything we can. We should be thanked for making an example of ourselves.”

The apparent inability of Boris “the boss” Johnson to protect the lucrative income top ups of his MPs has even led to speculation that the men in grey suits will be calling on him to stand aside and make way for someone who can.

“I wouldn’t print that,” the GRG spokesman says. “It’s inaccurate. By the time the fates have finished with old Bojo it’ll be the men in white suits who come to take him away.”

Gold plated crown toppling from his dyed haystack. Face beetroot red with incomprehension and fury. The scandals that never touched him suddenly reaching up their grey hands from the dirt around his feet.

DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR ASS ON THE WAY OUT : 10 Downing Street is said to be alarmed by the completely baffling wave of CV-19 among MPs. So concerned they have set up a new working group to study the how’s and why’s of the outbreak.

“I’m as baffled as you are,” an unmasked 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “All the MPs know each other. Some of them extremely well. If you look at the ranks of Brexiter and Lexiter MPs most of them are great chums, in spite of being in opposing parties, that largely explains the state of the country right there. So how the virus was able to just rip through the House of Commons is really confusing. Knowing someone is the best way to not catch an infectious disease from them. Just ask anyone down an STD clinic.”

While the reasons behind the potentially lethal virus catching on in the Commons maybe confusing everyone, the attempt to hinder more infections is bound to be contentious.

“Some girly swots are saying MPs are just like other mortals and breathe in and exhale. This can lead to them both breathing out and inhaling in harmful virus particles. And a mask can reduce that risk. Complete shocker. Who’d have thought it? Especially government MPs. Most of them are so dead inside you wouldn’t have thought it possible. But here we are.”

While the push will be made to inhibit the spread of the virus inside the Commons, it is hoped the greater effort to keep masks a culture war issue won’t be damaged. The profits of PPE companies rely on it.

“We didn’t get to where we are with our world leading pandemic response by convincing people that basic and minuscule personal sacrifices like mask wearing and social distancing are just sensible public health precautions to care for other people. We’re British. We’re immune to such pragmatism. To have to now ask MPs to wear masks to stop them harming each other is a bit rum. What if the public follow their example? Tory MPs do not do personal sacrifice to help other people. It goes against the entire code of conduct.”

Supporters of the initiative though have said Operation : Stable Door should be viewed as a complete success so long as “remote voting by MPs does not come into fashion”.

“If we have to start modernising our system of government using available technology the entire Johnson administration is in deep trouble,” the source. “He needs the farce of the Commons as a fig leaf on his complete and utter unsuitability for office.”

WHITER THAN THE DRIVEN SNOW: There is no such thing as Tory corruption, claims the Crime Minister. Conservatives are simply incapable of doing bad things. 

Boris Johnson’s own record is squeaky clean. He was never sacked for lying, he merely resigned to help a friend save face. He did this twice, in a measure of his legendary generosity. He never tried to help Darius Guppy to beat up a journalist, that was just elaborate banter between mates. A bigger boy made him pour shit into our rivers. 

So it is with Owen Paterson. The money he may or may not have been paid was not a bribe or an incentive to influence policy. In fact, the money was merely resting in his account. 

Accordingly, the now redundant Standards Committee will have to be disbanded. The anti-corruption chief will no longer have any responsibilities, although he will doubtless still be paid. It’s amazing what a retrospective rule change can do for decency and honesty. 

“The British government has the highest international reputation for honesty in the world,” claimed Johnson advisor Stan Dards. “This will only have been enhanced by today’s announcement that MPs and ministers are officially incapable of any wrongdoing. This is a great day for democracy. No longer will our MPs have to look over their shoulders for the irritating watchdog whenever generous wellwishers donate money to supplement the pittance they get paid. This move will ensure that lobbying will become a thing of the past, not least because giving money to MPs is now going to be called Associate Membership of The House.”

It is a sad state of affairs when persistent rumours of financial, sexual and drug-related irregularities follow our blameless representatives. The PM has declared such things impossible. It’s time to restore trust, and therefore we must take Johnson at his word. After all, who ever heard of a Tory prime minister lying?

A BIGGER BOY DUNNIT : 10 Downing Street isn’t letting the blame for the great stink of 2021 lap at its door. It’s in full flush mode.

While some unpatriotic naysayers always looking to talk the country down are suggesting that the political party that has been in power for the last 11 years, and 80 of the last 100, is responsible for the failing infrastructure of Broken Britain, the PM knows who is really to blame.

“The Victorians failed to plan for climate change, they failed to protect British farming against foreign imports and they failed to future proof the UK’s sewerage,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman explained.

And while it’s true that the water utilities were privatised under a Tory government in the 90’s, it’s not their fault as the Victorians did nothing to prevent obvious profiteering in the 20th and 21st centuries.

“To expect the great government of disaster capitalists to make civil minded business owners stop transferring profits and start investing in a crucial sector is to misunderstand modern vulture capitalism,” the source adds. “It’s exceptionally naive and you’re being very annoying by naming and shaming the bobbing turds of Johnson’s party on social media.”

The concerned public are not without hope though as the government is looking to solve the issue of mass pollution of U.K. waters in the same way as the cladding crisis.

“User pays is the best model,” the source shrugs, “you want clean water you better stump up for it. What choice do you have? And besides, the bloody EU made us clean up our beaches in the last century. So covering them in our own shit again has the strong whiff of sovereignty. It’s exactly what Brexit promised. Be proud of it.”

ALL TALK AND NO ACTION: Tories have gathered together to brainstorm the latest set of empty platitudes. We are getting on with the job, they claim, though which job they mean is by no means certain.

Eager drones were very keen to talk about it, though less keen to share any concrete proposals. “It’s going to be great!” remarked cannon fodder Faye Kingitt. “Obviously I can’t disclose any details, but we are definitely getting on with it, and we really, really mean it this time!”

Other minor MPs were equally effusive, and equally lacking in detail. “It’s about time that we got over the disaster left for us by the last Labour government,” remarked Phil E. Buster, who had at least got all the catchphrases ready. “We are building back better, levelling up, doubling down, in, out, shake it all about. We are getting on with it, working night and day, and we will get it done, have no doubts about that!”

It’s about time. The Tories have had eleven years not getting on with the job and letting things slide. But how do we know that anything will change?

“Change is good, inevitably some will not like it, and there will be bumps in the road,” admitted Kingitt. “But change is essential. That is what Conservative means, after all!”

“There will always be winners and losers,” admitted Buster. “But it is our job to make sure the winners win, and the losers lose, this is why Brexit was necessary, the EU wanted to reverse the natural way of things, make losers win, and so forth, which is not the way we do things in the UK, and we will be getting on with it really, really soon, and we really, really mean it, honest!”

In other news, hell is freezing over tomorrow, at least according to the Daily Express long range forecast.

APPALLED : It’s lucky clapping for NHS workers is free. It’s not going to cost hard pressed Tory MPs hardly a penny to cover the National Insurance rise being levied by the PM to pay for social care.

We all remember the heady days of the first lockdown when the Prime Minister led the applause for key workers from the doorstep of 10 Downing Street. He’s famous for not being into gesture politics which made the gesture all the more meaningful. Even more so when you consider the hundreds of health workers and support staff that have perished in the pandemic.

But now it’s crunch time. The pandemic has been wished away and forgotten about. Brexit is done, bar the teeth problems and it’s time for the Prime Minister to reveal his social care plan.

“Most of us just assumed it was the virus,” one backbench Tory MP told LCD Views. “I was a bit gobsmacked to learn it wasn’t just letting the virus rip, but we are actually going to pretend to do something about it. Still, I suppose there are plenty of party donors in the care sector?”

Of course anything worth having is worth paying for and that’s where the UK’s millionaires and billionaires most definitely don’t come in to the social care sector. Except, presumably, to profit off it by funnelling away some of that tasty NI rise.

“Of course the people who are never happy are saying the NI rise is unfair and will impact lower paid people more,” the MP muses. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about? Nurses banked millions of Tory MP claps during the first lockdown. Now they can just withdraw them from the bank to pay the NI rise. No one who is wealthy will be made poorer, and that’s the important point.”

RISHI PRINCIPALITY : The U.K. Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak has developed a reputation as being a bit too “emo” for the Conservative Party. What with his endless selfies and need to be noticed. He’s going to do something about it.

Stripping back Universal Credit is a good start. It says to the dead heart of the party that he can be down with causing mass suffering, deny responsibility and then laugh at that mass suffering as well as the next born to rule man. He may not have burnt a £50 note in front of a homeless person while a student, but great power allows him to go one better and preen himself before the upcoming leadership election.

“It’s the perfect time to remind the great unwashed that the Conservative Party thinks they’re dirt. Less than dirt. Not even silt. Just nothing. Don’t even think about them actually. Line up at the burgeoning food banks and read about Rishi’s new pool and tennis court. Ha! What do you think about your accident of birth now nerds? Well?”

While this goes to great lengths to show how life differs during Brexit and the pandemic, depending on your wealth, he may have to go even further to ensure he gets the votes when Boris Johnson is sacrificed on the altar of eternal power.

“We advise him to pencil the names of Universal Credit recipients on the walls of his new pool and on the tennis balls he’s going to smash about that court,” said Satan. “Just stick it to them. Rub it in. Mash it about. Give it some. Go for it. Laughing about the loss of £20 off UC? What even is that? He doesn’t carry change that small. A twenty? That’s what poor people spend at the pub when they should be buying food, isn’t it?”

The opening of the new Rishi pool will be a live streamed, champagne event. Rishi has made it. From humble beginnings he’s fought and clawed his way to the top and now he’s going to pay it back by worsening in work poverty.

“Raab can cut the ribbon and declare the inland sea of Rishi open! Then they can all jump in and splash about in their mankinis. It’s going to be a hoot.”

SAFE AS HOUSES : Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab is proving as big a failure in the vital office of state as his boss. Mr Johnson’s most notable act was extending the prison time of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe by years. Mr Raab has managed to yawn through months of warnings about Afghanistan and go to the beach.

Calls to sack Raab and replace him with someone competent, who actually wants to work the long hours occupying one of the great offices of state requires, are persistent. As yet his boss Boris has resisted. Partially because he’s already bored of Afghanistan, which like Brexit and the Pandemic seem determined to ruin his fun as PM. And partially because you can’t give in and do what the plebs want, until the focus grouping forces you to.

“It’s also related to the depth of talent in the Tory parliamentary party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s all clapping seals and nodding dogs, all the way down. That’s exactly how Johnson wants it. Anyone with the capacity for independent thought and pushback was kicked out early in Johnson’s tenure as PM. As such the talent pool is especially shallow and it’s just floaters bobbing about on top. Bumping into each other and bobbing off. Mostly on holiday to Europe. But other international destinations are available. Which is why the travel rules regarding the pandemic change so frequently. It’s bloody difficult keeping track of everyone’s movements.”

So Dominic Raab is safe for now. Maybe. Until the next YouGov poll. All the talent is already in post. Also because the deep sense of entitlement he has wouldn’t take being fired lightly. Johnson has enough enemies circling at his back, waiting to plunge in the political knives.

By the way, anyone seen Gove? He could choose a really good cabinet.