Category: Really fake news

IN FOR A PENNY, IN FOR A POUND: A Tory MP has been accused of being a cheapskate. He has claimed the entire cost of his Christmas shopping on expenses. Allegedly. 

The MP for Avarice-on-the-Rise, Fillham Pockitts, has claimed for his every last Christmas expense, right down to tinsel and party hats. I mean, ‘business meeting with cheese and wine’ hats.

Even the tub of individually wrapped miniature chocolates for his local hospital has been claimed for. Each individually wrapped treat has gone down as a separate expense, at a vastly unrealistic value.

It is not yet certain whether all the expenses will be allowed. But in a preemptive move, Mr Pockitts has pleaded for extra consultancy work, in case the Clandestine Expenses Claim Commander decides that the acquisition of a pony, stabling fees, a year’s worth of feed, riding lessons, saddlery etc are not allowable. In which case Mr Pockitts is alleged to want to spend as much time as possible away from his daughter’s wrath.

In a sign that the tideswell of public opinion is finally seeping through into the consciousness of the collective Tory hive mind, Mr Pockitts’ prudence looks to be well placed. “The public, upon whom we rely for our place on the gravy train, must be mollified,” said Parliamentary Standards spokesman Bungus A. Tenor. “Unfortunately, a human sacrifice may be required to satisfy the mob, and Mr Pockitts is taking the piss more than most. He’s just a drone, so it doesn’t matter if he takes the hit.”

The subtext is that, by making an example of Mr Pockitts, other expense claims may be quietly agreed and the matter dropped. A blaze of publicity, a serious word from the Prime Minister considering ‘the matter, erm, yes, no, what, isn’t it, wiff waff, common sense, vaccines, get your jabs, erm, oh yes yes yes, the matter is closed.’

And the runaway gravy train may continue on its way.

DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN : FANTASTIC news for a beleaguered pal of a former UK Government cabinet minister today with the decision to force the French to bottle bubbles properly.

It had been feared that a fleeting acquaintance of a Tory MP would be left out of pocket after accidentally placing an order for 10 million 500ml glass bottles with “some foreign chap he met at a dinner”, but the UK Government has stepped up to the plate and the public will pay the price.

“Once we realised that the poor fellow concerned had once made a donation to the Tory Party coffers it was a mere formality to change the law to force sparkling wine producers to produce half litre bottles,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This way some of his profits we be redirected back to the Conservative Party and a virtuous circle completed.”

Whether or not there is any desire in the wine sector to produce champagne in such sizes was clearly not a consideration.

“We’ve a Churchill reference, what more do you need to make the UK’s world beating wine sector match fit for the 21st century?”

But a spokesman for Mr Hancock is rumoured to have said he does not know anything about the deal and he doesn’t appreciate being associated with what would appear to be blatant corruption at best, and something far less seemly at worst.

“The men who died on those beaches laid down their lives so Matt could start proper rumours about attaining high offices of state, not this frothy nonsense.”

The French region of Champagne for its part is said to be enthusiastic after hearing that the UK Government is now calling 500ml a pint.

“We will be producing actual pint bottles just to confuse them,” a source said, before laughing continually until it was time for bed.

DRESS TO IMPRESS: The latest overpromoted empty vessel in government has demonstrated exactly why the country is in a mess. This time it’s Dim Dom Raab confidently confirming his dimness. 

Raab is well known for his great suitability for being kept away from power and a public voice. It’s handy to remember some of his proudest moments. His mathematical skill, which makes Diane Abbott and even Priti Patel look numerate. His brilliantly tenuous grasp of geography. His brave stance against misogyny towards men. And who could forget the time he claimed that the sea was closed? 

Raab is now chancing his arm at the tricky business of virology. Amid the rows about overpriced dodgy PPE bought by generously funded well-connected Tory mates, and now revelations of industrial scale rule breaking by government departments, Raab has skilfully conflated the two. Wearing a suit, he claims, is the most effective way to deflect a virus. 

In conjunction with self medicational quantities of cheese and wine, the suit can give almost 100% protection. 

“The virus respects smart business dress,” stuttered Raab, sweating like Boris Johnson confronted by an angry and heavily pregnant bit of skirt. “It respects power and authority. This is my takeaway from the latest SAGE report, at least the bits that I could read.” 

There was a pause, as he looked in vain for an escape route. Like a Raabit in the headlights. 

“Err… err…. Levelling up, rolling out, hands space save face, world beating…. Vaccines! Get yourself triple, or even double jabbed! That’s it! Now I remember! And always wear a suit! I recommend a Windsor knot in your tie, the virus won’t go near you if it thinks you are royalty.”

It’s worth reminding ourselves that Dominic Raab was once regarded as a serious Tory leadership candidate. It’s also worth noting that he is most definitely overqualified, given the current incumbent. 

DO WHAT YOU DO BEST : JOKE PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is not one to let adverse circumstances get him down, especially when he is the one responsible for the majority of the adversity. Britons can take confidence in knowing that PM’s schedule remains largely unchanged, except for the occasional hard right turn.

While the weak and unpatriotic fail to show sufficient faith in Great Britain Mr Johnson continues to charge ahead of the crowd leading the way to the end. In keeping with this unbreakable faith in himself he is to chair an emergency meeting today to decide what to do about the viral shitshow megastorm that has come from nowhere to overwhelm the UK, once again.

“He’s gathering all the best minds together to see their faces light up in grins as he raconteurs the pandemic into retreat with half remembered, irrelevant classical references, mixed in with some off colour humour,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “The virus won’t know what’s hitting it when it hears Xenophon twinned with a gag about the pork industry.”

But there will also be a sense of levity in the emergency meeting so no one gets too worried about the potential of thousands of people dying a day in a completely avoidable way.

“Let’s be clear this is not a COBR meeting,” the source advises. “Those are full of boring girly swots. This is just the best pretend friends the PM still has enjoying a cheese and wine tasting of exceptional quality at public expense. You see how far the virus gets when it realises the PM is just going to ignore again until it’s too late.”

THE FESTERING SEASON : Global Britain’s most powerful political brain is to take a “step back” from front line politics to focus on his Tory Party leadership challenge.

Speculation has been building for some time over who will replace failed Prime Minister Boris Johnson, with most commentators proving themselves not up to the task of forecasting.

Highly paid MSM buffoons have pinned Brexit Superwoman Liz Truss as the likely successor, but what do they know?

“It’s clear Britain is crying out for a Spartan to lead the country after Boris Johnson delivered a botched Brexit which allowed the EU to continue existing,” a source close to the Mark “rehabilitated after hiding for months for a mysterious reason” Francois told LCD Views.

How the smallest man in Parliament is still in Parliament is a problem for future generations to solve, what is important now is when Mr Francois strikes the killing blow.

“It’s likely Mark will make his move after finishing a box set of ‘Dad’s Army’ on Boxing Day,” the source advises. “Boris Johnson will not see it coming. He will be hiding behind his desk watching the door for Raab, Truss or Patel to storm in when he will see nothing but the door being pushed ajar. Mr Francois’ tiny stature means he will walk in under the PM’s eye line.”

It’s not yet known who Mr Francois will choose to serve in his first cabinet, but allies are hopeful he will pick a range of British grown potatoes and turnips, so he doesn’t feel intellectually overshadowed.

“The EU doesn’t know what is coming down the line. It’s the fist of fury with Elgar playing and it’s holding a stick of willow covered in red cherries. Mark once spent a weekend in the Territorials cleaning lavatories with a toothbrush after being wedgied. Every moment of Mark’s life has been building to this one turning point in history. He will restore the pride Mr Johnson has squandered in the famous British sense of humour.”

IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME : Alarming news today that famous London tourist hotspot Madame Tussauds is in lockdown after a malfunction in a cooling system. While the number of exhibits affected by the loss of cooling is limited to one, it’s said to be a very contemporary and important figurine.

“It’s understood that shortly after 10pm last night the waxwork of a famous con artist in the Rogue’s Gallery began melting. The temperature on the display fridge was immediately lowered to zero degrees celsius, but to no avail,” our correspondent reports.

“Baker Street rotten fruit sellers are threatened with bankruptcy,” a source close to the museum also told LCD Views. “If the waxwork of the famous shyster can’t be saved then what will the rotten tomato sellers do? Except perhaps resell their fruit as fresh to Britain’s struggling supermarket chains.”

While it’s not known which personality is melting sources close to the fridge say it’s a likeness of a man with a body like a sack of potatoes and hair like a burning haystack. He is believed to be active in both politics and journalism and subject of false claims that he is writing a Shakespeare biography?

10 Downing Street have added to the mystery surrounding the “ongoing kakistostrophe” by issuing a denial that the melting figure is not the Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“Staff at Madam Tussauds have seized on this as a ray of light,” our source comments. “If it’s the actual PM melting and not the waxwork than the loss will in reality be a gain.”

It’s said that before long it will be known if that is the case.

“Our model is 100% wax. Boris Johnson has feet of clay. We will know soon enough if it’s actually him melting as only the feet will be left.”

LOOK INTO MY EYES : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to “set eyes swivelling” at midday today with the announcement of a major new infrastructure programme.

As the nation stops for lunch Mr Johnson will be beamed into homes from 10 Downing Street with a gravy stain carefully positioned on his crumpled white shirt.

“We’re not yet clear if the sleeves will be rolled up or a creased and incorrectly sized, ill-fitting suit jacket worn for the broadcast,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But the message will be vintage Johnson. His hair is being prepared as we speak and a dollop of cranberry sauce smeared across a nearby rug to get social media theorising about bloodstains and spread the message.”

The timing of the re-announcement of the intention to construct a bridge between Scotland and Ireland has some Tory backbenchers nervous though. And not because their chums will get the cash for the latest feasibility study.

“Some are saying that he’s out of ideas. The the timing of the re-announcement of an already binned, fantastical bridge project is just to distract from the fact we’re still pursuing herd immunity via natural infection and the NHS is about to collapse. Nothing could be further from the truth. The PM is a dreamer. This is a dream. Admittedly it now feels decidedly feverish.”

The broadcast is thought to be part of an “image reset” as Mr Johnson seeks to get news of a “bacchanalian orgy of classical proportions” held at 10 Downing Street last Christmas off the front pages.

“This will get everyone going,” the source enthuses. “Just don’t think about all the dead people because Johnson couldn’t be arsed to have an argument with some sociopathic Tory MPs who think face masks are an affront to their liberty. Conservative MPs must be free to indirectly kill constituents with sociopathic policy or what’s the point of being in government?”

A date for the construction of the bridge hasn’t been decided, but the destination is obvious already.

“Nowhere. That’s where the bridge is going.”

EVERYONE HAS A PRICE SOME ARE JUST CHEAPER THAN OTHERS : Great news for people struggling to find that perfect gift for that special someone who already has everything. 10 Downing Street Productions have released a BOX SET of PRIME MINISTER BORIS de WAFFLE JOHNSON’s pre-recorded speeches in time for Christmas.

“As the possibility of a Christmas lockdown grows stronger now is the time to stock up on things to watch alone, or with the only other person you dare be in close contract with,” a 10 Downing Street Productions spokesman advises.

“Our new BOX SET of the PM’s pre-recorded speeches will see you through the dark days as you desperately long for spring time. Every episode comes re-edited to give Johnson the panache he lacks. We’ve even bought the rights to the Benny Hill theme song and you can listen along as he waffles and rambles. Each and every day will seem like the rest of your life.”

Orders are expected to exceed demand so be sure to order TODAY in order to receive your box set sometime after the 25th of December.

“We’ve added bonus content of 2020’s No 10 pandemic rule breaking Christmas parties,” the spokesman advises. “Why not buy one for any senior Met officer in your life? All the evidence they’ll ever need to not pursue an investigation with because of who the rule breakers are. Just the look on their faces when they tear off the wrapping paper will make it worth the cost.”

The box set also neatly catalogues the changing staff at 10 Downing Street as one by one aides and advisers are thrown under the bus to save Mr Johnson’s skin.

“We’ve taken the time to make a collage for the cover art and included postcards inside of key moments in Mr Johnson’s premiership. Do you want to hold a postcard of Dom in the Rose Garden defending his Barnard Castle trip? Maybe Allegra Stratton the moment she realises just how Faustian was her pact? Or Raab staring at a sign saying ‘Beach Closed’. It’s in inside along with hours of pre-recorded video because no one anymore trusts Mr Johnson to give a coherent message if he’s not properly leashed.”

BUY YOUR OWN COLLECTION OF BORIS JOHNSON SPEECHES NOW TO ENSURE DISAPPOINTMENT THIS CHRISTMAS! *recommended retail price of ‘your country’s self-esteem’ is non-negotiable.

LISTING TO PORT : Downing Street has moved to get ahead of the latest “party party party” leaks aimed at politically destroying Boris Johnson, now that he has served his time as front man and been moved to the new category of “sacrificial boar”, in order to make way for the premiership of Jeremy Hunt.

“The rules allowed for games of Twister with multiple households,” a 10 Downing Street spokesperson said, although they wouldn’t show their face. Presumably because of the entirely foreseeable end to Allegra Stratton’s career and reputation. “The Prime Minister and his friends adhered to the rules at all times by being completely plastered on donated Bollinger before the game commenced.”

The news that games of Twister with multiple households were in the pandemic rulebook for Christmas 2020 will come as a surprise to many. But only until they understand that for Britain’s ruling political elite the rules can be rewritten and applied retrospectively to excuse “perfectly acceptable indiscretions, double standards and blatant hypocrisy”.

Whether or not the clarity will protect the beleaguered Prime Minister remains to be seen with consistent polling now screaming he is “stuffed”.

“We can expect any number of slow witted Tory MPs to now tweet in support of the Prime Minister and what is said to have been a bally good time rolling around with the fillies between colourful circles on the floor,” the spokesperson added. “Even if hundreds of people were dying daily because the same MPs could not be bothered to fulfil the most important responsibility of being a representative. It’s the peoples’ fault. The signs that the government wasn’t going to protect them when profits were there to be made were visible from the start. It’s all about personal responsibility.”

Although the criticism will come thick and fast over the content of the latest leaks, people are asked to pause for a moment and consider the choice of Twister was sound, given that Mr Johnson has been labelled “a shape shifting truth twister”.

More leaks are anticipated until Mr Johnson finally gets the message and fucks off.

BREAKING BORIS JOHNSON : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister, Alexander Boris de Man of the Pfeffel Johnson, has given a candid and entirely invented interview in which he opened up about his job.

“All my life I’ve focused on my career and neglected my family,” he told a sympathetic reporter. “This has led to me accumulating many families and a very successful career. Moving on each time after creating a disaster. It’s been a hoot. But where to now?”

Where to now is a good question as it is clear the men in grey suits will soon be inviting the shambolic god of kakistocracy to depart the famous Downing Street address.

“You know they’ll put some smiling assassin in after me?” Mr Johnson asked. “Someone like Hunt. He will present himself as a measured and stable hand come to rebuild after the chaos of me has been discarded. To be fair that is probably what is required to complete the liquidation of the assets of ordinary hard working British men and women. The US private health interests are impatient.”

But what about Mr Johnson himself? Could he not take up bricklaying or painting like his idol Winston Churchill? Maybe pen a giant, multi-volume history of the British people?

“I’ll pretend to do some of that for photoshoots, but mostly I’ll just get hammered and chase tail,” the PM confessed.

“To be fair I never wanted this job to begin with,” he added, “I never wanted to be Prime Minister. I wanted to be World King. I appear to have over estimated the UK’s importance and then reduced it significantly. I think I gave up the wrong passport! Ha!”

Will he be having a leaving party? Perhaps some drinks?

“Yes. But only after I’ve banned the plebs from doing it on pain of £10,000 fines. It maybe my last act of government.”