Category: Really fake news

WHO’S YOUR DADDY : The Department for Education was rumoured to be embroiled in a fierce spat with Downing Street today after the executive issued an edict that a portrait of Boris Johnson was to be installed in all classrooms, even the under resourced ones.

But the order appears to have taken current Education Secretary Gavin “the idiot with the tarantula” Williamson by surprise. Apparently because he was not consulted on the installations.

“Gav is like well livid,” an aide to the former fireplace salesman imaginatively told LCD Views, “Boris can have a fifty foot tall poster of himself erected in Trafalgar Square for all Gav cares, but Education is Gav’s domain. Hands off the classrooms.”

And the matter is further complicated as apparently the installing of Mr Johnson’s portraits pipped plans by Mr Williamson to instal his own.

“He’d even had the photo taken. Sitting in an armchair by a blazing fire. Exceptionally paternal. And now Bojo gets wind of it and barges in to put his own picture up first? It’s not on. It won’t stand. It’ll hang. To the wall that is.”

Quite what Mr Williamson will do about it isn’t clear, as first and foremost he wants to protect his ministerial career.

“I think he will probably offer to compromise and say let’s have our pictures up on alternate days? Or let’s just hung both portraits side by side? There has to be a way through this.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson and Mr Williamson will come to an agreement will be key to how things play out across other departments of state too.

“Michael Gove is writing a school song praising Michael Gove. And Priti Patel intends that the new force of Terminator style police robots, soon to be patrolling the nation’s streets, have her smirk and voice. If Boris gets wind of those plans too there’s liable to be more blue on blue action.”

Critics have also moved to intervene in the issue, demanding to know what is actually being done to govern the country? While all this self-glorifying bullshit is going on?

“Oh, we’re not worried about the critics. We just ignore them and carry on. We know best. We’re advised by Dom.”

Other commentators have suggested that the signs of creeping fascism were there right back in the 2016 EU referendum campaign and it would be nice if everyone catches on, preferably before they have to help their kids learn the new school song.

PROPAGANDA SMASH (IN YOUR POCKET) : The government has sought to get behind its own commemorative Brexit 50p’s and push today, ordering all transactions in the United Kingdom to be conducted with the minted propaganda coins.

The new law, enabled by the Withdrawal Bill that parliament passed into law in a fucking coma, gives the executive and ministers sovereign powers to do whatever the hell they like. And they are.

It is however a boon for the struggling UK haulage industry, as significant purchases such as homes and motor vehicles naturally require a lot of 50p coins.

“To make it easier we’ve also changed the law so that the only price possible for anything is in multiples of 50p,” an aide to ‘The Saj’ told LCD Views, “The Saj apparently just wanted to cap the price of everything at 50p, but Matt Hancock is believed to have pushed back, explaining that once the NHS is dismantled and sold off in its entirety, American private health firms are going to expect to be able to charge multiples of 50p for a hip operation, or a heart bypass.”

But critics have suggested that if the UK leaves the EU, then inflation will mean entire fleets of lorries maybe required and there isn’t yet the capacity on the country’s roads to cope with that sort of traffic.

“That’s just remoaners doing what they do best. Moaning over facts and figures. Best to ignore them. You don’t get unicorns by paying attention to reality now, do you?”

Good advice.

“And no putting little stickers saying Bollocks to Brexit on our new 50p coins!” the aide warned, “if we suddenly find ten million 50p coins with Bollocks to Brexit stuck on them, well, we may feel the aim of the brain washing by coin has backfired.”

But it is likely that the real beneficiary of the minting of the propaganda smash will be any firm printing Bollocks to Brexit stickers shaped to fit on the 50p coins. We suggest getting a roll and keeping it handy for when the jingle jangle of creeping fascism starts smashing about in your pocket.

HOW FAR WILL YOU GO TO DELIVER BREXIT : OMFG every day it’s a new level of insanity from the executive and today is no different.

According to sources located close to the failing, drying out husk of a heart of the current government, Boris and his best mate Dom, have a new wheeze to prevent an extension to Article 50.

Reportedly, the latest scheme revolves around the Queen’s love of corgis and how to game that into delivering Brexit, do or die.

“It was probably Dom’s idea, but Boris will take the credit, before it goes wrong and he attempts to spin the blame onto someone else. Probably Merkel or Varadkar based on recent events.”

It’s believed the thinking behind the scheme was inspired by a Jeeves and Wooster episode involving a stolen cow creamer. Although it’s not clear all the details of that adventure have been remembered correctly.

“Basically if the undemocratic parliament forces Boris to ask the tyrannical EU for an extension to Article 50, just to prevent dogging riots, then Boris and Dom will be ready. They’ll have one of the Queen’s corgis and they’ll have a gun to its head. If anything happens to the dog it’ll be Germany’s fault. Or the Queen’s. Yeah. Yeah. Her fault. They may even steal two of the dogs just to have one spare in case she tries to sack him.”

But while the plan is clearly as well thought through. Well, as well as anything emanating from 10 Downing Street since the British people overwhelmingly voted to be skinned alive via a dodgy opinion poll years ago, critics have rounded on it. They say it can’t possibly work. They just don’t believe enough.

“Don’t those idiots know the Queen doesn’t have any corgis anymore? This idea is not so much a dead cat on a table, as a sorry tale of already dead dogs. The people inside 10 Downing Street are idiots.”

And that’s something we can all get behind and agree with.

CERTAIN JOURNALISTS WORK AS HARD ON THEIR STORIES AS WE DO NOWADAYS : THE BBC, Peston (Come back to us Robert! Escape Brexit befuddlement! You used to be so good!), Times, Sun and a few others won’t have the leap on the 10 Downing Street ‘Source’ scoops anymore. The results from an exhaustive investigation by LCD Views which pinpointed the source for all the source leaks.

“It’s a leaky Victorian sewer outlet located behind 10 Downing Street,” our undercover reporter reveals exclusively today, “going undercover as a roll of bog paper I was able to gain access to the innermost recesses of 10 Downing Street and trace the leaks from source to source. I will now be taking a break to recover my sanity, but not before revealing what I know.”

And what our source reveals about the source of the 10 Downing Street source is explosive.

“Seriously, what do they eat in that place? What drugs do they over take? Some of the sights I witnessed while in situ were just ghastly.”

But it was a price worth paying.

“Here’s how it happens. The now infamous SPAD to Johnson, Short Cummings, first completes a summoning ceremony, calling on the wisdom of devils ancient, before going into a special tiled room to channel the wisDOM received through the ether. This is communicated via a truly frightening procedure on top of a porcelain bowl. Whatever emerges is then immediately translated into that day’s strategy to deliver Brexit.”

So you’re saying the executive’s governing strategy, each and every day, is currently whatever shit Dominic Cummings comes up with, each and every day?

“Yes. Although we hardly needed to send me uncover to get the scoop. And if you just wait by the overflowing Victorian sewer that carries away his and Boris Johnson’s deepest, darkest thoughts, you can get the scoop too. Not that you’d necessarily want to.”

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE MILLIONAIRES : A unconfirmed, and presumably totally spurious, leak from a Downing Street ‘Source’ has revealed the unreliable news that Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the winner of the amazeballs £170m Euromillions jackpot.

“It’s classic Dom,” a fifty shades of multi-dimensional chess expert said, “throw everything at a strategy that is clearly bonkers and see if you can limit your losses.”

But the win does at least turn the corner for Mr Johnson who has gained a reputation as a loser since seizing office.

How he will spend his new found riches isn’t certain, nor how he funded the mass ticket purchase to begin with. There is no suggestion that any hedge funds were involved, as they wouldn’t throw money away like that.

“He’ll presumably give the money to the NHS,” our analyst muses, “after billing them for the £350m it cost to win the £170m. It makes perfect sense. He is on the campaign trail daily after all. He’s clearly not doing anything related to governance. And anyone in a NHS hospital grinning for his campaign videos surely has to be paid?”

It’s possible of course that he may use some of the windfall to fund his legal defence, should the London authorities decide to go after him for the perfectly enterprising relationship he had with a pole dancer, cum tech entrepeneur.

“It’s a good taste of what will come with Brexit,” our analyst blue skied, “spend masses to claw back a percentage? As long as it’s not your money you’re throwing away then it’s easy to imagine what you’re doing is acceptable.”

Jackpot means jackpot and with Boris Johnson gaming the Brexit contest the wins are certain to keep coming thick and fast, just not necessarily for him, or us, or anyone.

STUFFING TWENTIES DOWN A G-STRING FOR BRITAIN : A DOWNING STREET LEAK today is rumoured to reveal that Boris Johnson’s latest demands to the EU are eye catching indeed.

“It’s an attempt to combine Brexit negotiations with technological instruction,” a Downing Street source said, commenting on the alleged leak, “you can really only fully appreciate the complexities of just in time manufacturing if it’s revealed through interpretive dance.”

The thinking is that Mr Johnson will better be able to grasp, with both hands, what’s at stake in the negotiations if there’s a pair of buttocks seductively rising up and down before his face. Additionally a blonde woman looking over her shoulder and explaining how he can stiffen his resolve in negotiations if he really believes they need it more than he needs them.

“It gives a new meaning to get behind Brexit and push,” the source continued, “and adds a level of difficulty that makes it all the more enjoyable. How can you push someone if you’re not allowed to touch them? Once you get over that hurdle the backstop ceases to be a problem and actually becomes quite enjoyable.”

But critics of the latest demands from Downing Street have been quick to point out that having a perpetually horny teenage boy, with zero impulse control, in the body of a shambolic fifty something attempting to stitch up a last minute deal that decides the entire future of the country based on what he can do with his johnson is only going to lead to disaster. Or at best a deal he’ll treat like an unwanted child after.

“What do the critics know?” the source shrugged, “Mr Johnson has managed to combine his entire career with shafting pretty much everything he can. Why should the country be any different?”

NOW WE’RE JUST TAKING THE P : Great news today for people who maybe worried their MPs are taking the wrong drugs, with the announcement of compulsory drug and alcohol testing for MPs.

“Starting just as soon as we can organise the exhaustive supply of test tubes and little cups that will be required, we will be taking the piss on a mandatory basis from all MPs,” an enforcement officer working for the House of Commons standards committee stated (exclusively to LCD Views), “and all will be put in the machines that whir about and go ping. We will know exactly what drugs and how much your MP is using. And we will be testing them to ensure strict controls on demand and supply.”

The decision to introduce the new scheme has come about after the recent Tory leadership contest revealed they’re all off their tits, or had been.

An example is included below :

“The mass drug intake by members of the current government certainly goes some way to explain the total car crash they’ve made of government,” the officer continued, “but we will be taking steps to rectify all this.”

So MPs found to be under the influence can expect serious sanctions? Maybe even to be thrown out of parliament?

“Whoa there! Are you high? Take it down a notch. We will take measures to remedy their behaviour. We won’t be removing anyone. It’s not like they have an unpaid parking fine or TV licence.”

What exact measures will be used as sanctions then?

“They’ll be ordered to intend a class on how to take MDMA.”

Excuse me?

“Or ecstasy. We’re not splitting hairs. We’re working on the assumption if they do a lot less booze and coke, but start on a steady intake of MDMA, they’ll not only listen better to their fellow MPs in those endless debates in the Commons, but they’ll also have a lot more empathy for the people that made them MPs in the first place.”

MARRED NOW GO : BORIS JOHNSON HAS REACTED SWIFTLY TO THE UNANIMOUS DECISION BY 11 Supreme Court judges that he attempted to bullshit the Queen to push through Brexit.

“He’s asked his close personal friend, Donald Trump, for political asylum,” a source close to the President told LCD Views, “although Donald pretended not to hear him.”

Quite how Mr Johnson will deal with Donald Trump pretending not to hear him isn’t clear, although it’s felt he may try again with a gift offering.

“He’s hammering his way through wine bottles to get some empty boxes for an arts and craft project I believe,” the aide added, “I think he’s going to make a replica of Ivana for Mr Trump, in the hope of currying favour.”

It’s thought political asylum would be the best next move for Boris Johnson now that he’s added to his lists of firsts since taking office being owned 11-0 by the highest court in the land.

“It’s a little puzzling for us over here,” the aide continued, “what you limey’s are up to. We’ve had a lying, self serving, narcissistic, sociopathic, fantasy dwelling leader for years now and he looks safe as houses in office. He’ll probably even stand in the next election. Pelosi seems bizarrely fixed on that. Don’t ask me why. What don’t you guys like across the pond with having a similar leader?”

But is Mr Johnson liable to be successful in getting asylum in the USA?

“Donald doesn’t like associating with losers, so you make your own mind up. He may have to go home and face the music. Or perhaps he could phone the Kremlin? I hear they do great tea ceremonies. Really comforting.”

But having checked ourselves, we can inform Mr Johnson the Russians are also likely to say neyt, no, go home and face the music. No one likes a loser.

The East Midlands is suffering from its biggest disaster since it became the Danelaw in AD 878. The plague is sweeping the region, as helpless officials in London throw up their hands, saying ‘Where the f@*# is the East Midlands anyway?’

Typical of the disaster is the small town of Oadby on the outskirts of English premier league football powerhouse Leicester. Oadby is the scene of unconfirmed devastation today as an outbreak of bubonic plague sweeps like a firestorm through the normally quiet and bucolic streets.

Local peasants have been employed as emergency gravediggers. Normally they enjoy digging up car parks in search of medieval monarchs, much to the irritation of the thousands of impatient BMW drivers, who are then obliged to leave their oversized contraptions on a double yellow line.

The graveyard at St Peters has already overflowed on to the surrounding roads, obliterating the picturesque mini-roundabout.

Next door, at the Art Deco funeral parlour, and one-time cinema, staff are rubbing their hands together in glee, and hoping that not too many fingers drop off.

Residents have been swift to blame the EU. “It’s about time we kicked out the Danes, they started all this nonsense,” asserted Oadby & Wigston mayor Thorvald Magnus Johansson.

Queues outside the local doctors’ surgery are almost as long as the queue to make an emergency appointment by phone. The staff are naturally concerned, but point out that by the time the next appointment becomes available, most of the patients will have already died.

A kind of religious fervour has gripped the few unaffected residents. They have flocked to the local landmarks, Asda in the North of the town, and Sainsburys in the South, to hold a vigil for the dead and dying, and to stock up on cheap baked beans.

Oadby has erected a barrier along the A6, to prevent cross-contamination between the posh side and the not-so-posh side of the town. Official panic really only set in when some of the millionaires in the pastoral idyll of Gartree Road started dropping like rather posh flies.

Oadby’s most famous son, Queen bass player John Deacon, has been petitioned in a desperate attempt to find help. The reclusive Deacon has not thus far responded, but hopes are not high since, after all, this is the man who wrote Another One Bites The Dust.

The government will not help, either. “The fact that people are dying only gives us greater strength in negotiations,” said government wonk Wes Minsterbubble. “The EU will take us seriously now we are letting people die.”

CORPORATE TAKEOVER : AGGRESSIVE PUBLICLY FUNDED RETIREE JOHN HUMPHRYS ISN’T RESTING ON HIS LAURELS JUST YET.

“Going by rumours we’ve just invented he’s going to launch an aggressive takeover bid of Nigel Farage’s The Brexit Party ltd co,” our Rumourmonger invents, “which will be a seamless transition from BBC broadcaster to favourite BBC content provider for the old battle horse. He’s bellowed ‘THE PEOPLE HAD A VOTE’ at the nation for over three years. He can build on that work in the corporate sector. No manifesto required!”

And boy has he bellowed, even if he claims to have been curbed by the liberal elite at the BBC. Which begs the question, just what the hell would he have shouted if he wasn’t so muffled?

“THE PEOPLE HAD A VOTE!” and no amount of evidence of corruption of that vote is going to stop him shouting it.

“THE PEOPLE HAD A VOTE!” and no amount of evidence that the result of the advisory opinion poll was manipulated by data crime was going to stop him shouting it.

“THE PEOPLE HAD A VOTE!” and no amount of broken promises by the Brexit pushers will stop him shouting it.

That’s the duty to inform subservient to the duty to entertain via grim spectacle of an aged mind that ossified right there.

How Mr Farage will fend off the aggressive takeover bid of his ‘party’ isn’t clear, although as he’s the sole shareholder in his limited company (masquerading as a political party), he’s on the high ground for the fight.

“He can probably buy it from Farage,” our Rumourmonger suggests, “the whole show. But he’ll have to pay for it in Euros. Nigel is no fool, even if he takes his supporters for exactly that.”

THE PEOPLE HAD A VOTE! Shout it out until you’re red in the face. Get salty. Stuff your ears and bellow. They had one vote, they don’t need another, no matter what’s changed or come to light, that’s democracy, apparently…