NOW WE’RE JUST TAKING THE P : Great news today for people who maybe worried their MPs are taking the wrong drugs, with the announcement of compulsory drug and alcohol testing for MPs.
“Starting just as soon as we can organise the exhaustive supply of test tubes and little cups that will be required, we will be taking the piss on a mandatory basis from all MPs,” an enforcement officer working for the House of Commons standards committee stated (exclusively to LCD Views), “and all will be put in the machines that whir about and go ping. We will know exactly what drugs and how much your MP is using. And we will be testing them to ensure strict controls on demand and supply.”
The decision to introduce the new scheme has come about after the recent Tory leadership contest revealed they’re all off their tits, or had been.
An example is included below :
“The mass drug intake by members of the current government certainly goes some way to explain the total car crash they’ve made of government,” the officer continued, “but we will be taking steps to rectify all this.”
So MPs found to be under the influence can expect serious sanctions? Maybe even to be thrown out of parliament?
“Whoa there! Are you high? Take it down a notch. We will take measures to remedy their behaviour. We won’t be removing anyone. It’s not like they have an unpaid parking fine or TV licence.”
What exact measures will be used as sanctions then?
“They’ll be ordered to intend a class on how to take MDMA.”
Excuse me?
“Or ecstasy. We’re not splitting hairs. We’re working on the assumption if they do a lot less booze and coke, but start on a steady intake of MDMA, they’ll not only listen better to their fellow MPs in those endless debates in the Commons, but they’ll also have a lot more empathy for the people that made them MPs in the first place.”