LCD Views

STONE COLD CRAZY: The monstrous regiment of far left militant women must be guarded against. Every statue must be guarded carefully in case dear old Queen Vic turns out to be a killer queen in disguise. 

The public has been put on high alert. The male public, at least. In an update of McCarthy’s ‘reds under the bed’, every man must suspect his wife, sister, mother, daughter, mistress, of being a stormtrooper in stilettos. 

Under new emergency regulations, metallic paint may only be sold to men, and under licence. Street performers will be outlawed. It’s a policy that can’t possibly misfire. 

On the south coast, people were outraged. “This is trendy town, London on sea!” grumbled South Downs stalwart Lewis Sussex. “How will Brighton rock without its statues and street art?” 

In Glasgow the population suffered a sheer heart attack. “There’s no way you can be a tenement funster if all the girls are a potential enemy!” claimed tenement dweller Clyde Bridge. “This is destroying a whole way of life.” 

The brains behind the scheme is the famously world beating intellect belonging to Priti Patel. 

“Dear friends,” started the Prittster, sounding hostile and unfriendly. “This is all because women have been gettin’ ideas above their station. Women should be stayin’ in the kitchen, lookin’ after their families, and keepin’ their big fat gobs shut. No, of course the rules don’t apply to me,” she snapped, dismissing the obvious retort with a flick of the wrist. 

On the positive side, statues reported that they felt much safer.” Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around,” remarked leading statue Stan Donaplinth.” Not that I have much choice about it, but at least I’m no longer frightened of being thrown into the river by a bunch of militant feminists.” 

Who is going to protect us? Ultimately it’s in the lap of the gods. 

WEDGIE CENTRAL : The Home Secretary, known in mature Westminster circles as the “Prittster”, is said to be so concerned by the police behaviour at the Clapham vigil last Saturday night that she is to become personally involved in police training.

The decision to get hands on will be welcomed by officers who have come under considerable criticism for what some have viewed as bullying behaviour towards women. The focus has been made sharper by the light touch approach they have previously taken with crowds of football fans.

“Priti is too busy deciding which rights to tear up next to be interrupted from her important work by such irritations as out of control coppers,” an aide to the Prittster tells LCD Views. “She also has a short list of her own staff to bully daily, she doesn’t need the extra work. She’s already refining her techniques to save the public money. You can only have so many six figure pay outs.”

To sort the bullying situation the Home Secretary will give personal classes to the Met officers in how to behave.

“The most important feature of being a bully is not to terrorise people you perceive to have less power than yourselves, although that is very important. The badge of success though is to get away with it. Then you get to do it again. And again.”

The classes will start immediately and any police officer who falls below the standard expected by the Home Secretary will be for it.

“They’ll be locked in a toilet cubicle during lunch break. They will be let out sooner or late, but they’ll be giving a royal flush first. Ms Patel will be hands on with the punishments and the beatings will continue until morale improves.”

HOLY FATHER WHO ART ON A PLINTH : Women have been causing trouble ever since they were given the vote but Brexit Britain isn’t going to put up with it!

The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Brexitannia is taking a positive step today to remind women where they stand in the list of things that are important. It will do this with our greatest national symbol.

“Brexitannia had to co-op all the aspects of our countries long and glorious past and distil them into something that would only make sense to an idiot,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Unfortunately over recent days too many women are revealing themselves not to be idiots, unless of course they are in government. But we are going to strike back! And strike back fast.”

The form of the response appears to be the decision to blindfold the statue of Winston Churchill so women can’t offend it.

“The offense caused to the statue by the micro-aggressions of protesting women can not be underestimated. Have you seen our latest export figures? Have you heard the rumours of negative interest rates? Do you know of our souring relations with everyone else on planet Earth? This is because women are offending the living statue and the rest of the world isn’t going to stand for it! And neither are we.”

But for those worried about the quality of life of the Winston Churchill statue there is a further measure of reassurance.

“Women will be confined to the home, under curfew, daily at a time to be determined. Presumably at the time the average family normally has its food prepared. During this safe space the statue will have its blindfold removed and a Spitfire paraded before it. By men of patriotic standing. You’ll be able to spot them, they’ll have on St George flag t-shirts and massive beer bellies.”

There are further plans to have women who have offended the statue abase themselves before it. They will be revealed in due course, once the statue has recovered from its recent, traumatic experience.

GOOSE STEPPING FOR BREXIT : Great strides this week in the taking back control department as the government seeks to bring in a new law to crush dissent.

The new bill to be introduced, and jammed as rapidly as possible through a parliament of the comatose, will mean dissenters get what’s coming to them in Brexitannia.

“It’s the swill of the people,” Tory MP for Gulag, Lord Phash Boot, told LCD Views. “Making a success of Global Britain is all about fear and intimidation and. Sorry. I misspoke. It’s about crushing dissent as proper in a democracy. Hang on. I shouldn’t have had that E. I keep telling the truth. I’ll get back to you later when I’ve come down.”

Clearly the workings of the Duma can not be interrupted by traitors standing around outside making their voices heard, in response to the deafness of elected officials.

“The workings of the Supreme People’s Assembly must be unhindered by one or two stubborn individuals with a placard who refuse to believe basing your country’s future on lies and electoral fraud will make it a success,” our legal eagle observes.

“This new law to be introduced by Priti Patel will bring down the risk of serious porridge for doing such scandalous things as accurately shouting out descriptions of Tory MPs as they pass.”

10 years?

“Maximum. It may only end up being 9 years with good behaviour. Just watch your language. Don’t use four letter words no matter how instinctive the response when you see a minister. Actually, best not to talk at all. It’s what taking back control is all about.”

SUNLIT UPLANDS: Brexit is done, we are in the promised land, business is booming, the NHS is getting loads of extra dosh. So, if everything in the garden is rosy, why is the government so keen to remove the right to protest? 

“There is literally nothing to protest about,” said everyman Manon de Street. “The only one still protesting is that one chap who still loves the EU, even though we left democratically and everything is much better now.” 

De Street wasn’t the only person utterly confused by the surprise move by the Home Office. 

“To be honest, things have never looked better,” claimed everywoman Lauren Twerself. “I’m already planning local street parties to celebrate our British Fish, British wind, and British ice cubes from Norway, just as soon as covid is done. It won’t be long now, I get instant updates thanks to the 5G chip in the vaccine!” 

LCD Views naturally contacted Priti Patel’s office for an official explanation. 

“Since there is no need to protest in public, ever again, it seemed a good time to slip this legislation under the radar,” said spokesman Litta Lyer. “We are in permanent paradise. Therefore any protests would be fake. This is a public order issue, and we are ordering the public to shut up.” 

The right, now the obligation, to remain silent. That is democracy of course. 

“We have now won the War on Woke,” continued Lyer. “The public must respect this, and go back to sleep. It is not their business to question us!” 

And why would anyone question such a benevolent regime? Money now literally grows on trees, at least if you support the government it does. 

And with the penalty for defacing the statue of a slave trader now set at ten years, our history is safe. 

Everything is wonderful. Pour yourself another glass of British champagne!