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The importance of one’s second home in France

Lockdown is easing at long last, and, with the sun out, one’s thoughts naturally turn to one’s second home in France. Normally one will sojourn in sunnier climes for a season at this time of year. As regular readers of UnoTesticular know, this is to avoid contact with the hordes of city dwellers, who decide to use the ancient rights of way across one’s estate at the first sight of sunshine.

Last summer, unfortunately, many of our kind were imprisoned in our paltry mansions due to the coronavirus panic. This led to a backlash, as many were obliged to resort to setting the hounds on negligent day trippers straying from the footpath or attempting to picnic in the grounds. We all know that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. Many stiff letters were sent to the editor of the Daily Telegraph, deploring that organ’s championing of the rights of the Great Unwashed.

Rights of way cannot, alas, be easily or cheaply removed in the modern era. So slumming it in the South of France has become the preferred option of many a landowner.

This has preserved the sanity and self respect of many moderately well off people, while permitting the lower orders to admire the benefience of their betters.

Imagine, then, the dismay felt by many at the 90 day rule. I’m no politician, but this is an absurd situation. 90 days is hardly enough time to settle into the French lifestyle following a bitter English winter. Here at UT we understand that Sir Montague Hyphen-Hyphen-Hyphen is coordinating a powerful response, and will ensure that the Foreign Secretary reverses this decision forthwith.

Then once this storm in a teacup has passed, life can return to its natural rhythm.

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Boris Johnson in secret talks to buy Costa del Sol and save Brexit voters’ homes

VANDALUBORISIA : In recent days the reliable news media of the United Kingdom has been overflowing with stories of good British people being persecuted by Spanish authorities. Happily the People’s Prime Minister is going into bat for them.

“Just because some people voted for Brexit who lived in Spain it should not mean they have to leave Spain,” a Downing Street source stated. “We are explaining that to the Spanish authorities in strident terms. All in caps and shouted in English.”

Of course many would not have had to leave Spain, after voting to be thrown out of Spain, if they had taken steps to ensure they could legally stay in Spain.

“Why should they have to? They’re British. That surely makes a difference. Do the Spanish authorities really appreciate how dependent on British men and women turning into leather in their sun their economy is? The way they are behaving suggests they do not. It’s unreasonable to apply the law to British people. We’re British!”

But just in case the Spanish authorities insist on sticking to the law Mr Johnson has a Plan B.

“I can’t say that Mr Johnson’s government understands any government that actually sticks to the law? Bit bloody old fashioned if you ask me. Still, we’ve got a way around all this. We’re simply going to buy the Costa del Sol. That way no ex-pat will ever be treated like an immigrant.”

But what if the Spanish won’t sell the Costa del Sol to Downing Street?

“They will. Don’t worry. We’re shouting our offer at them in English.”

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It’s time the Prime Minister brought the moustache back into fashion

British men and moustaches have a long historical association. The first prehistoric cave paintings discovered in England in the bold Victorian era of exploration are famous for featuring Bowler Hats, but most neglect to mention the brawny Olympian men depicted also sported moustaches.

Now Britain is in a new age of Global Expansion, as Europe and indeed the world, cry out for our leadership, it is time to revive the moustache.

Statements of virility are of course frowned upon in this quaking era of cancel culture. To all our detriment, not least the women who place their trust in us to keep them safe. To see them prosper. To guide with a steady hand the procreation of the future.

For most of the last year the warriors of woke have insisted masculine sports be banned. Men participating in the time honoured rituals of preparation for war on the sporting field have been forced to do so underground. Without Spectators. Some have been shamed. Many have been forced to shave.

This can not serve Global Britain well. This will not lead us onto the Sunlit Uplands Brexit will deliver.

What will serve the English colossus as it strides with one giant step across the fading European dystopia and into Asia Minor? The answer is the moustache.

Indeed no greater a British war time leader than Montgomery Deux-Burns is recorded as having said on the eve of Agincourt II – The Return to France – that “Englishmen will prevail on this blessed day because the Lord has bestowed on them a superior moustache”.

It’s not just the British knee that is firm. It is also the wiry, titanium like hair that grows naturally from a true born Englishman’s lip. Every scientific evaluation has found it to be superior to others.

I say now, now is the time to grow your moustache again. To see your wife’s knees quiver. To witness your mistresses’ eyes light up as she discards the demand for a virus test before the tryst.

And what better figure to lead the regrowth of British masculinity than the golden lion in 10 Downing Street?

Once the sire of legions has again grown a hairy lip the men of the kingdom will follow his example and Make Britain Great Again!

“I can think of no more fitting a moustache for a strong man leader than the toothbrush” – Professor Phillimore Snogger III, (visiting) Berlin, 1936.

Raise the toothbrush prime minister! Raise it upon your lip! And set a Union Flag a flutter behind you as you do. For the winds of destiny are blowing and you are blowing hard too!

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John Redwood demands to know why Boris Johnson hasn’t built a bridge to Ireland yet

EVERYMAN’S EVERYMAN : JOHN REDWOOD MP, one of the brighter lights in the modern Conservative party, has written a rather demanding tweet requesting answers from the Prime Minister.

Mr Redwood has long been at the forefront of extolling the clear and obvious benefits that would come from Brexit, and happy to tell everyone about it. Just wait and see. Now though, there are signs that he may not be getting what he expected. Which is a total shock, at least to him.

“He’s already asking what happened to fishing in order to Get Brexit Done?” our deadwood specialist notes. “I mean that’s a good start. If you help cut off access to your own fishing industry’s markets the least you can do is ask what happened?”

He’s got his eye on the bait ball!

“He’s noticed the outcomes aren’t what he promised people and he wants someone to tell him why. Solid governance. And he thought really long and hard about Brexit too. A full five minutes. Just yesterday he was wondering IN PUBLIC why the government hasn’t slashed taxes and regulations and turned the UK into a trading superpower already? Which is neat, it displays such a complete failure to grasp the Brexit project that it helps explain how we got here.”

Not many people can fail to notice that setting yourself in direct opposition to the largest trade bloc on Earth will have real world consequences?

“Redwood can. So too David Davis I expect. But he’s currently busy playing at being a virologist with the same confidence and swagger he brought into play when he quit as Brexit Secretary.”

Mr Redwood is now passed fish and onto infrastructure.

“He wants to know now why the bridge to Ireland hasn’t been built? The one Johnson keeps talking about building across a WW2 munitions dump in the Irish Sea? Or maybe via the Isle of Mann. Good way to throw millions to mates for a feasibility study. Doesn’t matter if there is no actual outcome. That isn’t the point of Conservative governance. Some are a little slow on the uptake. Like Redwood. He’s quite sweet in his own way. A babe in the woods. Imagine believing any promise made by Boris Johnson?”

You’d have to be dead inside?

“With a brain made of wood. Let’s see how things go from here on in, as none of the promises materialise. Sooner or later some Tory MPs may realise they’ve been played and just like the fantasy constructs they believed in to justify Brexit, every Johnson promise is just a bridge of the mind.”

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Police arrest Churchill statue for wasting police time

PEACEFUL PROTESTS: The full force of the law was brought to bear this weekend. Many officers were diverted from other duties to watch the statue of Churchill.

In the event, the statue protested peacefully, and didn’t attempt to riot, or even to chant slogans. So it was arrested for wasting the time of its heavily armed guard.

Naturally the Met was quick to defend its actions. Spokesman Eve Ningall immediately went on the attack.

“Churchill is a known individual of interest,” stated WPC Ningall. “Also a known ringleader, and a rallying point for the worst kind of violent nationalists. We couldn’t take the risk of leaving him to fight us on the beaches!”

This is a statue, for goodness’ sake. Why all the fuss?

“Threatening to deface a statue now carries a ten year sentence,” countered Ningall. “We are protecting the public from themselves. The Met has no problem with arresting people on spurious grounds, but the paperwork is an actual nightmare. Fortunately nobody was interested in the statue. Which is why we had to arrest it!”

Now it makes sense. Arrested because it didn’t cause the expected problems?

“Yes, it’s the same reason we go in hard on protesters who don’t cause any trouble,” admitted Ningall. “It’s a quick win, they get a night in the cells to think about all the trouble they caused us, we meet our daily arrest target. The snowflakes can grumble all they like on social media, at the end of the day we have a job to do.”

What will you do with Churchill?

“Charge him,” said Ningall. “Charge him with wasting police time, for protesting peacefully, for obstructing the highway, for having an ugly mug. Basically we are going to throw the book at him. But those aren’t his biggest crimes.”

You could almost feel the temperature drop several degrees. Ningall’s voice grew frosty.

“He was in the public domain without a Union Jack.”

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Jesus rises for one day just to tell Jacob Rees-mogg to fuck off

DIVINE INTERVENTION : Renowned lost lamb of God, and serial voter against feeding hungry children, Jacob Rees-mogg, has had his prayers answered by receiving a personal message from Jesus.

The message is reported to have been delivered personally by the Saviour and has been labelled as such a ‘Saviourgram’.

Jesus is said to have had “a gut full of the hypocrisy” of powerful public figures who preach his message while “routinely and instinctively” behaving in the exact opposite fashion.

It’s hard to think of a public figure of self-professed faith more deserving of a visitation, although clearly the Prime Minister should also come into the frame.

It’s not known how Jesus intends to spend the rest of his day, although rumours suggest he’s going to a backyard birthday party carrying only a big bottle of water and a paddling pool.

“It’s likely he will visit other Tory MPs though,” our Divine Intervention Correspondent suggests. “After he’s told Rees-mogg to fuck off.”

There is certainly plenty of work for him to do if he’s minded, what with the hostile environment of the Boris Johnson government towards anyone not a party donor.

“It’s believed Matt Hancock is attempting to track him down in the hope of gifting him a PPE contract. But we suspect Jesus is as keen on people attempting to buy indulgences as he is on Priti Patel’s policy towards desperate refugees.”

Ms Patel is of course the one reason the risen Lord is only expected to stay in the United Kingdom for today only.

“There’s no question about it,” our correspondent confirms. “If the Home Office’s Clandestine Channel Threat Commander gets hold of Jesus the Home Secretary will have him deported before anyone has had a chance to have another cross constructed.”

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Winston Churchill statue applies for political asylum in France

OUR FINEST SHOWER : PANIC at 10 Downing Street today after the SHOCKING discovery this morning that the statue of Winston Churchill has left this septic isle.

It’s believed the inanimate lump of metal, which by the way is prized by the Boris Johnson government more than life itself, slipped out of the police cordon sometime during the night.

“The officers were facing outward,” a 10 Downing Street source explains. “You never know when a woman with a banner protesting against violence to women will need to be forced to the ground and sat on by a crack team of riot police. That’s when Churchill left. We’re completely stumped as to why.”

But the departure of the statue looks set to cause a diplomatic incident with reports drifting back across the ENGLISH Channel that it has been sighted in Paris.

“We’ve heard the rumours that the Churchill statue has claimed political asylum in France. That seems highly unlikely to me. Why would he? What’s wrong with the facist leaning nationalism of famous liberal Boris Johnson’s government?”

Quite what measures will be undertaken to locate the statue, and indeed what response will be forthcoming from the executive should the statue be confirmed as having claimed asylum with THE FRENCH isn’t yet clear.

“When the prime minister wakes up for breakfast this afternoon he will be right on top of a detail,” the source reassured.

The Home Office is said to have already swung into action though, with Priti Patel ordering the border force to turn back the statue should it attempt to return by boat.

“As it is now legally an asylum seeker it has become Ms Patel’s natural enemy. Dan the clandestine channel threat commander will be on the lookout. He’ll do anything to get a biscuit or even a new chew toy from his boss.”

The mystery will presumably resolve itself in the hours to come, but it’s likely the statue left in protest, having had enough of living in Boris Johnson’s finest shower.

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Gavin Williamson orders schools to teach children right wing comedy

PUNCH IN ANY DIRECTION YOU LIKE SO LONG AS IT’S DOWN : EDUCATION SUPERSTAR GAV ‘i’VE GOT A SPIDER’ williAMSON is doing his bit to win the war on woke for the triumphant government of Little Trump Johnson.

Gav ‘I keep a whip in sight so people think I’m tough’ Willyiamson is not going to be left behind when it’s time for the awards after complete and total defeat of anyone who thinks it’s good to be nice to people, even if you don’t know them.

Today he makes another bold push into No Man’s Land with the decision to order the nation’s primary schools to teach children right wing comedy.

“Mother in law jokes are back!” an aide to Williamson told LCD Views. “So too Irish jokes. Jokes about the disabled. Jokes about funny little foreigners. Jokes about anyone that isn’t straight, white and English? Fill your boots son!”

And Gavin isn’t fighting this front on his own. A crack advisory panel and men recently banned by Twitter has been assembled to make sure PMT has you in stitches. Lead by no less an esteemed right wing comic than Jacob Rees-morgue himself!

“The holy grail is of course a PC gone mad joke about an overly emotional, disabled, ethnic minority woman who speaks English as a second language. But the order is across the board. Who can think of anything funnier than someone in a wheelchair getting splashed by water as they attempt to navigate their way passed some dog mess on a broken pavement? That is visual gold. If you don’t think it’s funny, you probably don’t have a place in Global Britain.”

Critics have asked though why the order doesn’t extend to secondary schools and universities?

“By the time kids reach adolescent it’s already too late to teach them that laughing at differences is what keeps us all together. We’re going to close secondary schools instead and turn them into fruit picking academies. Which will be hilarious!”

The introductory unit in the curriculum will be titled “Women – why they’re so funny when try to do a man’s job!”. This will feature handy audio-visual references to Benny Hill sketches so we all understand the direction of travel.

“My favourite bit is the physical comedy section. Donald Trump himself is going to record a segment explaining how to mock the disabled and get away with it. It’s hard to think of a greater achievement for a right wing comic. Our children will follow the example of the best of them.”

Right wing comedy – it’s funny and Gav will be happy to explain it.

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Introducing new Viflagra to keep your flag flying high

Gentlemen, are your standards dropping? Are you only flying at half-mast? Are you worried that she’ll leave you if your flag isn’t flying high? Well worry no more. At last, the new wonder-drug you’ve been longing for is here!

Introducing . . . VIFLAGRA!

Viflagra has been clinically tested and proven to keep your flag flying high on a good solid pole!

Just one of these little red, white and blue pills will enable you to wave your flag all night long without it ever drooping!

Viflagra comes recommended from no less a source than Boris Johnson himself!

“I’d heard tales about men losing their ability to wave their flags as they got older,” Boris said. “Not that it had ever happened to me, gosh no, that would never happen to old Bozza, course not! But I figured it might help make my flag fly even higher, and phwoarrrh, doesn’t it just! Just one of these pills got me seeing red, white and blue all night. I got my wife and my bit on the side waving my flag on the same night and it was just fantastic! I mean obviously I didn’t tell either of them about the other – you will edit this bit out won’t you? Don’t want them knowing I’m a cheater do we, gosh no!”

So there you have it. Viflagra, as endorsed by no less an organ than our own glorious leader in residence! Just take one pill and you’ll be seeing fifty shades of red, white and blue flying high all night!

Caution: Side effects of Viflagra include becoming a stupid bigot that nobody in their right mind would want to shag in the first place.

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Downing Street report on Downing Street reports finds Downing Street reports are the best reports

WHITE OUT : 10 Downing Street has responded today to entirely undeserved criticisms by traitors over the quality of the reports it commissions with a robust defence, in the form of a Downing Street report.

The reports authors were handpicked by the prime minister during the five minutes each day that he almost works. The decision to decide the outcome of the report, before it was undertaken, was also at the direction of the PM.

“This Downing Street reports finds that Downing Street reports are without equal. They are world beating,” one of the reports authors, Mr White Wash, told LCD Views.

“The decision to decide the conclusion of the report was due to our new ramped up reporting procedure. If you don’t have a target when you fire, how can you expect to hit it?”

The report itself sources a wide variety of Downing Street supporters who all concur with the quality of the report and the reports it is reporting upon.

“We hope now that the country can move on from the needless and time consuming nit picking over reports that preceded this report, secure in the knowledge that the reports are all of the highest quality. We know this because we commissioned a report to prove it.”

But detractors have noticed one thing missing from the report into reports.

“Why isn’t it just the image of a Union Flag?” one patriotic Tory MP, Mr Glaf Hags demanded to know?

In response Downing Street have promised to commission a report into the lack of Union Flags on the report into the quality of reports.

“Lessons have been learned, it’s time to move on,” Mr White Wash reassures. “I would stick about but I have to produce a report on how the £2.6m spent on the new briefing room was a bargain.”