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New anti-protest bill needed to stop noisy celebrations over the visible successes of Brexit

PIPE DOWN I’M COUNTING MY BREXIT BENEFITS : The government has been roundly applauded this week (by itself) for the new laws it aims to bring in to clamp down on non-violent protests. As you’d expect in a famous and world beating democracy.

But what has concerned the powers that be is the wide and seemingly unstoppable inaccurate reporting about their motivations.

“Some idiots are suggesting the new anti-protest laws are being brought in because ministers are fed up with having some of the hoi polloi stand around outside parliament exercising their diminishing rights. Clearly it’s not on to question your betters. It is unacceptable to challenge their hypocrisy and lies to their faces. But that is not the reason for the laws. As if someone like Boris Johnson would be bothered by robust and democratic criticism of his numerous failings. It’s just not credible. He’s a famous liberal.”

In order to correct the misunderstandings a sweeping social media and print PR campaign will be undertaken. It won’t just be sock puppet, troll and bought and paid for accounts spreading disinformation either. There will be billboards and speeches from the new £2.6m Downing Street podium.

“Everyone must realise these new laws to crush dissent aren’t about crushing dissent because we have no answer to the dissenters. They’re about trying to keep the noise of all the spontaneous street parties that occur daily celebrating the great success that is Brexit. We don’t like to boast about how superior we are to the Continentals. We like to keep the discussion of Brexit benefits very, very quiet. So quiet you’d think none of them existed.”

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British statues to be given self defence training in case police are too busy

SLAVISH DEVOTION : The government has announced a raft of new measures to protect the necrotising vision of our past as set down in stone and brass.

The new, Statue Self Defence Bill, will allow £350m to be earmarked for the self defence training of British statues. The measure comes as a result of vague threats made to the various inanimate objects dotted about the country, and concern for the emotional wellbeing of the statues. There is no mention in the bill of anything credible to protect actual people.

“We can’t have more slavers thrown into rivers,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “We’re proud of our history, warts and all, which is why we prefer it is taught without the warts. Especially the really giant infected ones.”

The contract for the self defence training is believed to have already been gifted to a friend of a Tory minister, after a high level meeting in a distant hotel room.

Additional funds will also be set aside for the mass production of miniatures of all statues from our nation’s solely glorious past.

“Each home should have a Colston on its mantelpiece,” the source advises. “Get to know your imperial worthies so you instinctively feel protective of the larger ones found in public spaces.”

The first statue to undergo the training will be Winston Churchill.

“He’s been identified as most at risk by assault by women with flowers,” the source adds. “We aim to have him at black belt grade by the weekend. This way if police are too busy ripping the face masks off women after kettling them, solely to protect them from the plague, Winston will be able to chop, block and kick his way to safety from his immortal plinth.”

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Priti Patel to give police personal lessons on bullying to ensure “next time they get away with it”

WEDGIE CENTRAL : The Home Secretary, known in mature Westminster circles as the “Prittster”, is said to be so concerned by the police behaviour at the Clapham vigil last Saturday night that she is to become personally involved in police training.

The decision to get hands on will be welcomed by officers who have come under considerable criticism for what some have viewed as bullying behaviour towards women. The focus has been made sharper by the light touch approach they have previously taken with crowds of football fans.

“Priti is too busy deciding which rights to tear up next to be interrupted from her important work by such irritations as out of control coppers,” an aide to the Prittster tells LCD Views. “She also has a short list of her own staff to bully daily, she doesn’t need the extra work. She’s already refining her techniques to save the public money. You can only have so many six figure pay outs.”

To sort the bullying situation the Home Secretary will give personal classes to the Met officers in how to behave.

“The most important feature of being a bully is not to terrorise people you perceive to have less power than yourselves, although that is very important. The badge of success though is to get away with it. Then you get to do it again. And again.”

The classes will start immediately and any police officer who falls below the standard expected by the Home Secretary will be for it.

“They’ll be locked in a toilet cubicle during lunch break. They will be let out sooner or late, but they’ll be giving a royal flush first. Ms Patel will be hands on with the punishments and the beatings will continue until morale improves.”

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Churchill statue to be blindfolded so women can’t offend it

HOLY FATHER WHO ART ON A PLINTH : Women have been causing trouble ever since they were given the vote but Brexit Britain isn’t going to put up with it!

The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Brexitannia is taking a positive step today to remind women where they stand in the list of things that are important. It will do this with our greatest national symbol.

“Brexitannia had to co-op all the aspects of our countries long and glorious past and distil them into something that would only make sense to an idiot,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Unfortunately over recent days too many women are revealing themselves not to be idiots, unless of course they are in government. But we are going to strike back! And strike back fast.”

The form of the response appears to be the decision to blindfold the statue of Winston Churchill so women can’t offend it.

“The offense caused to the statue by the micro-aggressions of protesting women can not be underestimated. Have you seen our latest export figures? Have you heard the rumours of negative interest rates? Do you know of our souring relations with everyone else on planet Earth? This is because women are offending the living statue and the rest of the world isn’t going to stand for it! And neither are we.”

But for those worried about the quality of life of the Winston Churchill statue there is a further measure of reassurance.

“Women will be confined to the home, under curfew, daily at a time to be determined. Presumably at the time the average family normally has its food prepared. During this safe space the statue will have its blindfold removed and a Spitfire paraded before it. By men of patriotic standing. You’ll be able to spot them, they’ll have on St George flag t-shirts and massive beer bellies.”

There are further plans to have women who have offended the statue abase themselves before it. They will be revealed in due course, once the statue has recovered from its recent, traumatic experience.

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Home Office to replace “offensive statue” on top of Old Bailey with one of Priti Patel

THE SCALES OF JUSTICE ARE TILTING : Great news today for the five supporters of the Home Secretary with the announcement that she’s to get her own statue.

The statue will be prominent and highly visible in direct sunlight so no one can mistake it. Clearly as Britain negotiates its way into a new and glorious future on the sunlit uplands of Brexit some updating of the capital’s landmarks is required.

“We’re knocking that boring, outdated statue off its pillar on top of the Old Bailey,” a source inside the Home Office told LCD Views. “Lady Justice has long outlived her usefulness. She hasn’t been required since the result of the criminally corrupted EU referendum was announced back in June 2016. Great thing both main English parties supported the validation of it. Just think where we would be today if someone with massive reach at the time had gone against it?”

The old, yawn inducing statue will be melted down and sold for scrap so that what is happening in practice to law and order in the UK gets a proper and dignified event to celebrate. Bunting will be hung and a Spitfire will flyover the yard where it is melted.

“Immediately after Justice is brought down a new and very shiny statue of Priti Patel will be erected to replace it. You will of course be required to doff your cap whenever you see it, under legislation to be rushed through parliament. Failure to bow your head in obeisance will risk life imprisonment.”

There’s fuhrer good news for anyone worried about the accuracy of Justice’s replacement.

“The statue of Priti Patel will be sold fool’s gold plated, but the neck will be all brass.”

Brexit Britain – break the ministerial code, get rewarded with high office and make a success of it!

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New law means 10 years prison for “shouting out accurate descriptions” of Tory MPs on the street

GOOSE STEPPING FOR BREXIT : Great strides this week in the taking back control department as the government seeks to bring in a new law to crush dissent.

The new bill to be introduced, and jammed as rapidly as possible through a parliament of the comatose, will mean dissenters get what’s coming to them in Brexitannia.

“It’s the swill of the people,” Tory MP for Gulag, Lord Phash Boot, told LCD Views. “Making a success of Global Britain is all about fear and intimidation and. Sorry. I misspoke. It’s about crushing dissent as proper in a democracy. Hang on. I shouldn’t have had that E. I keep telling the truth. I’ll get back to you later when I’ve come down.”

Clearly the workings of the Duma can not be interrupted by traitors standing around outside making their voices heard, in response to the deafness of elected officials.

“The workings of the Supreme People’s Assembly must be unhindered by one or two stubborn individuals with a placard who refuse to believe basing your country’s future on lies and electoral fraud will make it a success,” our legal eagle observes.

“This new law to be introduced by Priti Patel will bring down the risk of serious porridge for doing such scandalous things as accurately shouting out descriptions of Tory MPs as they pass.”

10 years?

“Maximum. It may only end up being 9 years with good behaviour. Just watch your language. Don’t use four letter words no matter how instinctive the response when you see a minister. Actually, best not to talk at all. It’s what taking back control is all about.”

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Everyone confused about banning protests as everything is going so well

SUNLIT UPLANDS: Brexit is done, we are in the promised land, business is booming, the NHS is getting loads of extra dosh. So, if everything in the garden is rosy, why is the government so keen to remove the right to protest? 

“There is literally nothing to protest about,” said everyman Manon de Street. “The only one still protesting is that one chap who still loves the EU, even though we left democratically and everything is much better now.” 

De Street wasn’t the only person utterly confused by the surprise move by the Home Office. 

“To be honest, things have never looked better,” claimed everywoman Lauren Twerself. “I’m already planning local street parties to celebrate our British Fish, British wind, and British ice cubes from Norway, just as soon as covid is done. It won’t be long now, I get instant updates thanks to the 5G chip in the vaccine!” 

LCD Views naturally contacted Priti Patel’s office for an official explanation. 

“Since there is no need to protest in public, ever again, it seemed a good time to slip this legislation under the radar,” said spokesman Litta Lyer. “We are in permanent paradise. Therefore any protests would be fake. This is a public order issue, and we are ordering the public to shut up.” 

The right, now the obligation, to remain silent. That is democracy of course. 

“We have now won the War on Woke,” continued Lyer. “The public must respect this, and go back to sleep. It is not their business to question us!” 

And why would anyone question such a benevolent regime? Money now literally grows on trees, at least if you support the government it does. 

And with the penalty for defacing the statue of a slave trader now set at ten years, our history is safe. 

Everything is wonderful. Pour yourself another glass of British champagne! 

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Boris Johnson nominates Priti Patel for the Noble Peace Prize

300,34,900,74,000% TRUE : Anyone who thinks Boris Johnson is just a heavily compromised pawn of shadowy foreign interests, and his own worst instincts, will have something new to chew over today after a fabricated leak from Downing Street confirms just how much he loves his Home Secretary.

“Shortly after dawn this morning a non-existent aide to the Prittster emerged carrying a highly visible make believe piece of paper with the breaking news on it. This was instantly shot by photographers who also do not exist.”

The photographed leak appears to reveal the PM’s response to the policing catastrophe on Clapham Common last night.

“We all know the Home Secretary is ultimately responsible for policing. Thus it follows that it is her fault if things go seriously wrong. This much is true.”

It’s also true that Priti Patel was forced to resign from a ministerial position due to running a secret foreign policy agenda. And that a civil servant recently received a six figure payout of public cash relating to the scandal of Patel breaking the ministerial code again, and being a bully.

“She is just the sort of dim and vicious person we need to house asylum seekers in cold and plague ridden barracks to keep the Brexit base satisfied. She does it without conscience, as she has none.”

But a useful tool of a growing autocracy needs not only protective squares formed around it, but also plaudits.

“The prime minister is to nominate Priti Patel for the Noble Peace Prize in recognition of her world beating efforts in the Middle East. Her treatment of desperate forrins and her new bill designed fo outlaw protest in the U.K. If no one can dissent it will be very peaceful indeed.”

And there’s one more reason for the nomination.

“It’ll own the libs. What other reason is needed really? We’ve cancelled the Mash Report. We’ve forcefully stop a vigil. We need one more cultural war success to round off a successful week.”

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Tory MP – daffodil harvest failure not due to Brexit “farmer neglected to plant Union Jack coloured bulbs”

PATRIOTISM IS GROWING : The Tory MP for Bulb-phor-Brain Baron Filchpurse has hit back at unpatriotic reports that the great freedom enterprise of Brexit led to the waste of millions of daffodil flowers.

“Anyone blaming Brexit can safely be ignored as an enemy of the people,” he told a meeting of Patriotic Conservative Growers and Dealers. “We all know that to grow any flower successfully in the spectrum of British sunlight requires the colours of the Union Jack.”

He went on to explain that had the hapless floriculturists simply bothered to take the time “to plant red, white and blue daffodils, planted to mirror the Union Jack” the harvest would have been full of “Brexit triumph. And basically blessed by God. Who is still an Englishman. You can ignore reports he has taken German citizenship.”

What the farmers will make of his comments isn’t yet clear, but many are believed to erroneously blame Britain’s headlong crash out of the Brexit gate, during a global pandemic, is the cause.

“There’s plenty of unemployed laying about our towns and cities,” the Baron continued. “Children. Children need to find work young in Brexitannia and contribute to making a success of the project. Perhaps school one day a week for the poor and good, old fashioned, solid field graft for the rest? Make men of the boys. Get those flowers harvested!”

And the Tory MP isn’t alone in his criticism of farmers, no less than five village idiots have raised their voices in support.

“I’m a little disappointed in the British idiots if I’m honest,” he told LCD Views. “I expected every single one of them to come out in support.”

But all is not lost.

“Next year the farmers will have an opportunity to grow daffodils. I suggest the pick the packers with the Union Jacks on them. Those will be the best.”

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BREAKING Downing Street – PM “hiding in fridge”

SAFE SPACE : So Called Prime Minister Boris Johnson was said to be “curled up in foetal position with toilet paper in his ears” in the wake of the police action at the Clapham vigil last night.

The Prime Minister is said to have been “already jolly on Bollie” when the drama occurred last night, “having watched the future Queen attend the peaceful vigil” and then preceded to get hammered believing the situation in Priti Patel’s capable hands.

“It wasn’t until he finally staggered out of bed this morning around 11am, scratching his torso and shouting for a Bloody Mary (to relieve his world beating hangover) that he found out what happened later in the evening,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views.

It is reported (unsubstantially) that aides had tried to arrange a rapid overseas min-break for the PM the moment he awoke, but his plane was “out of service being serviced after returning with an absolute truckload of bargain basement PPE from a Far Eastern hotel room.”

The PM is said to have taken the news badly, slumping on the floor, groaning and attempting to crawl into his panic fridge with “Dylin the prop dog jumping his right foot”.

“I’m just sorry we couldn’t get him overseas before he found out about the heavy handed police action. He’s now got to deal with Patel wanting reassurance her Gulag Bill will still have his support in Parliament tomorrow.”

The Gulag Bill will prevent a repeat of the drama by making all protest illegal and ensuring a “happy Brexitannia with no dissent at all”.

“I blame the women involved. They should have waited until he was on holiday like when the London riots occurred when he was Mayor,” the source added. “Or at least dress up as football fans with Saint George flag? If you don’t want to get kettled to prevent you catching the virus you have to at least try and look patriotic.”

Efforts are continuing to coax the PM out of the panic fridge with “his favourite caviar and a Hugh Hefner impersonator on hand to lend reassurance.”