300,34,900,74,000% TRUE : Anyone who thinks Boris Johnson is just a heavily compromised pawn of shadowy foreign interests, and his own worst instincts, will have something new to chew over today after a fabricated leak from Downing Street confirms just how much he loves his Home Secretary.
“Shortly after dawn this morning a non-existent aide to the Prittster emerged carrying a highly visible make believe piece of paper with the breaking news on it. This was instantly shot by photographers who also do not exist.”
The photographed leak appears to reveal the PM’s response to the policing catastrophe on Clapham Common last night.
“We all know the Home Secretary is ultimately responsible for policing. Thus it follows that it is her fault if things go seriously wrong. This much is true.”
It’s also true that Priti Patel was forced to resign from a ministerial position due to running a secret foreign policy agenda. And that a civil servant recently received a six figure payout of public cash relating to the scandal of Patel breaking the ministerial code again, and being a bully.
“She is just the sort of dim and vicious person we need to house asylum seekers in cold and plague ridden barracks to keep the Brexit base satisfied. She does it without conscience, as she has none.”
But a useful tool of a growing autocracy needs not only protective squares formed around it, but also plaudits.
“The prime minister is to nominate Priti Patel for the Noble Peace Prize in recognition of her world beating efforts in the Middle East. Her treatment of desperate forrins and her new bill designed fo outlaw protest in the U.K. If no one can dissent it will be very peaceful indeed.”
And there’s one more reason for the nomination.
“It’ll own the libs. What other reason is needed really? We’ve cancelled the Mash Report. We’ve forcefully stop a vigil. We need one more cultural war success to round off a successful week.”