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First ever hormone injected Union Flag to fly over 10 Downing Street

BEEFY : 10 DOWNING STREET are not in the mood today to hear any criticisms over the proposed FTA with the Aussies and what it means for British farms. In fact they’re in a decidedly bullish frame of mind.

“It really is rather tiresome,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When will farmers get it through their soil encrusted heads that they’re about as much use to us as fisherman now? I mean. Seriously. Boris has got better things to do than listen to them moan about long term feasibility and the ramifications of the government’s short term political expediency. Have you seen the state of that gold wallpaper? Who would have thought using actual gold would make the paper so heavy it won’t stick to the walls? You learn something new every day.”

The farmers have certainly learned something new today. Namely that if a bunch of plummy voiced chancers came by promising you a golden future, the accent shouldn’t let you forget they’re chancers.

“We’re going to move on from the farming farrago now,” the source informs. “We’ve had a special new Union Flag commissioned to celebrate the world beating deal we’ve agreed with the Aussies. Brexit is triumphant! That’s all that is important. Food security can wait. Let’s celebrate!”

The aforementioned flag is certainly impressive and a sign of what British ingenuity can achieve when let loose and separated from the naysayers.

“It’s the first hormone injected flag anywhere in the world to my knowledge,” the source beamed. “It’s so muscly. Do you see the way the meat ripples in the breeze? It’s almost erotic. It’s going to be bloody difficult keeping the hands of passers by off it! And the bonus is if anyone sets fire to it in a protest they’ll just be having a barbecue! Hormones are great! Put some on your plate.”

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Buy British, says government buying Australian

WRAP IT IN A FLAG AND CALL IT BRITISH: The truly patriotic government is encouraging us to buy British beef. At the same time it is plotting to flood our supermarkets with Australian meat.

This is not a problem. “Consumers will always have the choice,” claims the trusty anonymous Downing Street source. “And we will make the choice easier by sticking a Union Jack on packets of meat that we decide are British, wherever the meat originates from.”

How does this give consumers a choice? And is that legal?

“You can always choose to buy British, or go hungry,” said the source. “As for the rest of your question, in my opinion it is not worthy of an answer.”

“The legality of the proposal is an insignificant detail,” confirmed Pack O’Lies, one of Liz Truss’s minions. “If an item – a 500g packet of stewing beef, for example, is in Britain, then it’s British, innit? Simple as that. The flag wrapper merely confirms it!” 

Does the same logic apply to people? Once they are in the country, they count as British? 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” snapped O’Lies. “Foreign means foreign, however many Union Jack t-shirts they wear. Expect a call from Priti Patel’s ethnic cleansing bouncers within the hour.” 

With that, O’Lies abruptly ended the call. 

Brexit has opened up many more exciting opportunities like this. The government has given the green light to exploit the public in a gloriously Imperial way. After all, we conquered Australia, and sent them our people. Therefore, the Aussies are basically Brits, and their country is essentially an extension of England (even New South Wales). This means we win the Ashes every single time, and nobody will notice if cheap and nasty kangaroo meat accidentally enters the food chain.

The only downside is in shipping meat half way around the globe, when we could so easily buy better quality beef from Ireland. But no, that’s pouring money into the coffers of the evil EU.

You can shove it up your Union Jacksie.

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All U.K. farms to close after minister’s mate says on WhatsApp he can supply food with PPE

SOILED SOILS : Downing Street has issued a notice today that all U.K. farms are to close immediately in preference for alternative supplies of food.

Rumours say the startling decision comes off the back of “an offer too good to refuse” which was sent to a cabinet minister via WhatsApp.

The minister concerned hasn’t been identified but it is believed to be the Health Secretary. Mr Hancock has become famous for arranging supplies of vital equipment via the messaging service throughout the pandemic. Whether or the not the price is market rate and the equipment useable isn’t of concern. The same rigour will be applied to transferring taxpayers’ money for food.

“I can confirm that the new supplier of all the food the U.K. needs has carved a tidy and profitable niche for themselves in PPE. It’s a natural extension to move into food.”

It’s further suggested the mystery supplier will receive the contract to supply “all food” uncontested and the deal is worth “Trillions. Enough to buy entire villages worth of Georgian mansions.”

Happily the U.K. consumer will not notice any serious difference from today as “the food will all be packaged in Union Flags and is definitely likely to be edible by something.”

How U.K. farmers will take the news of their immediate redundancy has not been explored because “Brexit has been delivered and they’ve outlived their usefulness.”

Anyone concerned however that the Prime Minister’s food supply may become substandard need not worry as he’ll “continue to receive thousands and thousands of pounds of luxury food delivered to Downing Street as befits a ruling monarch.”

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Downing Street invites Rupert Murdoch to lecture BBC on the ethics of journalism

CALL AN EXPERT : The damning revelations of what a BBC journalist got up to in 1995 have understandably swept all other contemporary scandals off the front pages today, rather than running concurrently.

Gone are the PPE ripoffs. Gone is the letting rip of the Indian variant. Gone is Priti Patel and her desire for jackboots. Gone even is the effort to get Universities to agree that empire period sugar plantations were necessary for the personal development of the “staff”.

10 Downing Street is reported to be so excited over the Bashir findings that its temporary inhabitants are currently wondering how much damage the decades old scandal will do to the BBC? Especially delightful is the thought of how much damage the BBC will do to itself in response. How sharp the hair shirt?

Given how many Tory MPs seem intent on dismantling the public service broadcaster, even after jamming its hierarchy with chums, it’s an understandable point of focus.

Concerns are present however that Auntee may survive this and so no lesser ethics champion than the Prime Minister himself is convening a Star Chamber to decide on what to do, and to ensure the BBC picks up where it left in 1995 and carries on.

“Clearly the BBC has to be praised for the way it has handled Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “But we really do need to consider if it’s passed time to replace it with Andrew Neil’s new completely impartial news service? You know it. It’s the gammon one. Or maybe we just got the beast and let something more useful wear the hide?”

With that in mind the panel of ethical experts are being called together to advise the BBC on what to do now.

“Mr Johnson has called Mr Murdoch, Lord Rothermere, The Barclays and old Desmond together to advise the BBC on the ethics of journalism. Most importantly, how to avoid them.”

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Primary schools to place “Flags” at top of pyramid of human needs in lessons on needs/wants

FOOD FOR THE SOUL : The Department of Education is run by a steady hand, a single farseeing eye and a brisk awareness of the needs of the nation’s children. It’s just as well too or they may grow up well fed physically on the firm vegetables raised in British soil, but lacking some conditioning of the spirit.

“It’s all very well having the children’s curriculum focused predominantly on WW2 but that only covers geography. What about their minds? Their souls? What will they be nourished on?” a Department for Education insider told LCD Views. “Gav didn’t become the fourth best fireplace salesman for the month of February 2001 in the hamlet of Token by ignoring the importance of symbolism in retail.”

Happily the experience our world beating Education Secretary gained in the rough and tumble hellscape of selling domestic appliances is now being brought to bear full time on the education of our children.

“WW2 showed us the importance of flags to a vigorous and expansive regime. The more flags the bigger the regime. It’s not rocket science. So he’s made some personal modifications to the units on needs v wants that all young minds must absorb.”

The change is quite simple, but invigorating.

“Flags now come at the top of the pyramid of needs. In particular the Union Flag, as no one needs any other flag to be truly healthy and secure. Feed your soul and your flesh will take care of itself. That’s why we want to do away with school meals for the underprivileged. It distracts them from flags. Underneath flags in the pyramid he has added ‘more flags’. Something of a masterstroke if you ask me. In fact it’s flags, flags, flags all the way down.”

The revised curriculum will be taught immediately and children will be required to draw a Union Flag each time they ask to go to the toilet.

“Once these new changes have taken affect we will also bring in a revision to English classes. All invasive foreign words will be stripped out of English until we are left with the proper mother tongue which arose as if by magic out of England’s green and pleasant landscape. Anglo-Saxon.”

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Failing Test & Trace service relaunched as “Great British Test & Trace”

NAMING AND SHAMING : Relief for viral superstar Dido Harding today after Downing Street took a sweeping hand to her obliterated reputation and swept all the pieces into a corner.

“The Prime Minister has his arts and crafts supplies out and he’s going to repair Dido’s rep out of empty wine crates,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The exact reason for the heavy damage to Ms Harding’s world beating reputation as a pandemic bloodhound wasn’t made clear.

“Given that the U.K. only has one of the worst death rates on the planet, is still in the grip of an active pandemic in year three, is now seeing the Indian variant rip and it’s thought the privatised test and trace service is in part to blame, we’re a bit baffled why she isn’t now a national hero.”

Keen minds are wondering though if the £37bn spent on the service with Tory friendly companies, with no track record in the field, maybe to blame?

“Yes. Obviously we were a bit squeezed for funding when setting up the monumental smash and grab on the treasury. There were so many mouths to feed at the time. So many hands in the post. PPE contracts can set you back hundreds of millions alone. We should have spent more. That’s now obvious. I blame the public sector. If the local health assets had bothered to nail planks of wood across people’s doors and trap them inside for two weeks minimum, well we wouldn’t have had a pandemic at all.”

The Prime Minister is expected to repair all this though by making Ms Harding a new title for her faulty, cash haemorrhaging service.

“He’s breaking down the wine crates as we speak. He will affix some back together in a rough panel and paint ‘Great British Test and Trace Service’ across them. That’ll be it. Sorted by his third brunch today.”

The revamp is expected to cost an additional £37bn.

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Mars explorer to be deported

Mars has shocked the Solar System’s diplomatic community with its decision to deport the Mars rover, Perseverance, for apparently breaching its strict immigration laws. The red planet’s President, Kenneth Cgkalrsjjytq, claimed that Perseverance has not applied for the visa required by all Third Planet Nationals. Additionally, it has failed to supply proof of sufficient funds to support itself, and has no job offer from a Martian employer.


Earth has responded robustly by claiming that Mars is simply punishing the planet for leaving the planetary union known as the Solar System. ‘They needed us more than we needed them,’ said World Home Secretary, Pitee Painful. ’In future, Martians will no longer be permitted to visit remote, desolate, sparsely populated areas like Idaho, Uzbekistan or Norfolk without prior consent and the completion of the Anal Probing Licence Application, accompanied by a valid invitation, of course. Moreover, Martians currently held, er, visiting Area 51 must go home.’ She was asked by the journalists whether Mars would no longer be on the so-called green list. ‘Well, it is known as the Red Planet ha ha ha,’ she added.


Mr Cgkalrsjjytq responded by saying that Earthlings will always be welcome provided that they adhere to the rules. These includes a continuing ban on stag and hen parties. ‘And Mr Stanley Johnson will of course be allowed to come to prepare his house for the tourist season.’


In other related news, Pluto has rejected the proposed trade deal with Earth. ‘Where was Earth when the Solar System decided we weren’t big enough to be a planet, eh?’ said President @&/“-!*•.

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Downing Street replaces travel traffic light warning system with “Wishful thinking”

A TISSUE A TISSUE : 10 Downing Street has responded to mounting criticism today over its muddled thinking regarding pandemic travel by giving up thinking all together.

“It’s pointless to carry on with the facade,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “after all the Prime Minister has already survived the dreaded virus and he’s now fully vaccinated. His dad and his most important backers are similarly safe. It’s really just the great unwashed who are at risk now. And there’s still plenty of them! Clearly if we import a variant, or create one at home, that can outwit the Great British AZ vaccine he’ll have to think again.”

Until that time comes the government has decided we can all just “have at it”. This is natural as an elimination strategy is only for countries who lack the business acumen to take proper advantage of a pandemic.

“You may as well travel now, while you can, before even more countries ban us from entry. And besides, millions of you need to immediately go overseas to cover for Tory MPs and donors checking up on their second homes on the Continent.”

Understandably Downing Street will add a little finesse to the updated advice before communicating it to the public.

“There is some disquiet in the cabinet. Our lax approach to the new rising case load of the Indian variant maybe seen as a way to ensure the current boom industry in dodgy PPE supply. Some are saying we keep the traffic light system that has been so successful at confusing the message, but just update the colours with phrases.”

The idea is to replace Green with “Make a meal of it”. Amber with “Wishful thinking” and Red with “Still go if we can make some money out of it”.

“Or maybe just roll three into one and call the whole thing ‘Wishful Thinking’. It’s served well enough so far. 150,000 dead and look at our polling!”

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Great British Railways to be operated by the Great British Rail Replacement Bus

MAKING THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME: In the frenzy over the rebranding of our national rail service, one point has been overlooked. Great British Railways will actually be operated by buses. 

The Great British Rail Replacement Bus is as much a part of the British psyche as crap food and holidays on a freezing windswept beach in pouring rain in August. We crave the disappointment, the misery and the expense. Post-Brexit Britain is finally getting back on track.

Meanwhile there’s all the existing rail infrastructure. There’s plenty of scrap iron rails and land to give to Tory donors to sell. It’s a platform for Great British Asset Stripping. 

The trains themselves will go back to the EU. European operators who own the rail franchises. It’s about time we ended their Free Movement over Our Railways. Don’t they know we invented trains? Thomas the Tank Engine will be spinning on his turntable. 

We true patriotic Great British People are sick of the EU meddling with Our Country. We are tired of their so-called efficiency, tired of cheap, fast, clean journeys. We crave being stuck in a cold, leaky compartment with unpredictable angry strangers. We want to be late arriving at our destination. We enjoy the lottery of finding the right train on the right platform at the right time. We yearn for the times when we halt in the middle of nowhere for no good reason, with no food, information, or toilets. 

The Great British Rail Replacement Bus Service will tick all the boxes. It only needs Great British Curly Sandwiches and Great British Fare Rises to complete the picture. 

The sides of the buses will provide advertising space. This will bring extra profit to the bus companies. Insiders expect the first bus to read “£350m for the NHS” and the rest to be covered with laughing emojis. 

Could transport be any more patriotic without sticking a Union Jack on the side of the trains?

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British farmers told to retrain as butlers for the McMansions that will be built on their boring farms

BOWING DOWN BEFORE YOUR BETTERS : Encouraging advice for British farmers today from Downing Street and former UKIP candidate George Useless.

“Farmers should not take all this chit chat about beefy great Brexit trade deals as a warning about their futures,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They should see it as the exciting opportunity to choose between being bribed off cheaply into a depressed and obscure retirement, or a great chance to retrain. To upskill. To upcycle themselves for the great world of tomorrow.”

The opportunities for farmers are of course endless. Especially those who have always dreamed of going into domestic service.

“Butlers will be in demand once the farms are sold off and the food they used to produce replaced with cheap imports from the Pacific region. Someone has to open the doors of the McMansions that will be built for a select clique of international tax dodgers. Why not be a butler? Or a maid? Or a groom? Or a groundsman if you want to stay close to the soil. This would be best. We won’t be importing any low rent EU labour. The Russian, the Chinese, the American man who will be the lord of your manor will want the correct accent when he stays that one week a year in his whitewashed cash mansion. Dinner is served Sir. With a rustic tone. As he gazes over the rolling hills upon which cattle used to roam.”

But if someone feels they’re not cut out for domestic service there is another opportunity.

“Spitfire pilots. Farmers can retrain as Spitfire pilots. We will need a lot of WW2 re-enactments to keep the populace in the right mental box to make a success of Brexit.”

Take heart farmers. The Tories last had untrammelled power in the 80’s. They demolished the traditional industries of what is now the red wall back then and look at the voting patterns in the areas today! Why shouldn’t they just break down your farms and sell them off for parts? You’ll get to like it. In the future a new generation of Tories will come along and offer you some flags.