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Woman celebrates finding a penny after burning handfuls of £50 notes

PHOENIX FROM THE FLAMES: A woman who torched a whole bundle of £50 notes today was overjoyed when she spotted, amongst the smouldering ashes, a shiny penny. 

The woman, whom we shall call Liz Truss (since it was she), was so pleased with herself that she went straight to the shops to buy something World Beating in a Union Jack wrapper. 

This is unrelated to the news that Truss also revealed a stonking new example of inward investment. A new factory is being set up, for the price of a PPE contract. Up to 50 jobs will be created, possibly far fewer, to make ketchup, which is a pungent and violently red sauce used to disguise the flavour of post-Brexit Great British Cuisine. 

This will be of great interest to at least two groups of people.

Firstly, the redundant fishermen and farmers whose industries are no longer viable. This has come about after the EU, or Evil Empire Mark 2, decided to impose the rules the UK became subject to the moment it decided to leave.

These patriotic souls will be delighted to retrain as red sauce makers. It beats being a cyber ballerina any day. 

The second group is the Bullingdon Club, who might just have found a new member. Even if she is totty. It takes some balls to burn a handful of fifties in front of a homeless country. 

When Truss returns from spending a penny (let’s hope she washes her hands) Global Britain will, once again, take its place at the head of the world table. After all, burning money is God’s way of showing the world just how superior the British are. 

Meanwhile let’s break out our Liz Truss favourite pork and cheese, well what little we can afford. Now is not the time to worry about piles of money going up in flames. After all, we do have a penny. 

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Downing Street move 21st June 2021 back to September so ”irreversible” reopening occurs on schedule

DATES NOT DATA SILLY : Downing Street has moved to reassure Global Britons that the long anticipated reopening of England will occur on schedule, in the face of concerns that rising variant caseloads make 21st June untenable.

“The Prime Minister declared at the start of this year when he unveiled his roadmap out of his avoidable pandemic that June 21st was immovable,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman reminded the nation. “He meant it just as forcefully as a wedding vow. It is immovable as the date for complete ending of lockdown restrictions. The actual date itself, 21st June, is clearly completely tactile and can occur wherever and whenever we choose thanks to the arbitrary nature of human interpretations of time itself.”

When June 21st will occur is still the focus of debate as there are a number of rebellious Tory MPs who just do not care who lives or dies. Zero concern. Just there as taxpayer funded servants of international tax evaders. Your sacrifice is appreciated.

”Sometime in July would clearly be preferable for June 21st 2021, although August and September are also under consideration. It all depends on the complex interaction of pisspoor governance and the NHS making up for our shortcomings with an accelerating vaccination programme.”

People who have already booked holidays beginning on June 21st are reassured they will still occur.

“If you did trust our roadmap you’re impressively optimistic!” the spokesman chortled. “You can still take that holiday booked for June 21st. I would guess the day after September 30th as June 21st occurring then interferes neither with September or plans for an October lockdown. Just be aware if you have days booked following June 21st in June you’ll need to rebook them to occur on June 21st also.”

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Plans for “miracle birth” underneath “weeping Churchill statue” given green light to combat falling polls

JUST ONE MORE PUSH : Downing Street is said to have given the green light to plans to have the PM’s mistress turned next ex-wife experience a second miracle birth.

The dramatic and impressive planning is said to have been in the works for sometime and ready to go in response to any significant downward shift in polling.

Last week’s historical testimony from former poll fluffer Dominic Cummings is thought to be behind the decision to stage the miracle birth “ASAP”.

“We’ve already pulled off the revenge wedding, but surprisingly the latest marriage of a serial adulterer who leaves fatherless children in his wake to the woman who decided to become his mistress when his wife at the time was undergoing treatment for cancer hasn’t set the nation’s pulses racing. Which is a surprise.”

The birth will occur at dawn any day now just as soon as “the special effects company engaged on a confidential basis” has rigged the central London Churchill statue to cry tears of blue, red and white at the same time.

The spectacle is thought to further the PM’s aim of eventually becoming a saint after his completely uncynical conversion to the Catholic faith.

“Hopefully we can pull off the trifecta and have a spitfire fly over the moment the miracle occurs. This should see polling secured for months to come, regardless of how many people perish in the next avoidable wave.”

The only sour note appears to be within the parliamentary Tory party itself with dozens of incredibly thick cannon fodder MPs unable to grasp that “green light” means given the go ahead and not the colour of the lighting that will be used during the sound and light spectacle.

“The PM will met with Francois, Bridgen and all the other planks later today to explain the situation. He has not gone work and green. It’s just a turn of phrase. It is hoped after that they will establish a bogus research group and further milk some taxpayer’s money to explore the difference. And no one will discuss the pandemic body count.”

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Home Office demands social media companies provide range of “illegal refugee” emojis

GLOBAL BRITISH VALUES : The Home Office is rumoured to be “on the warpath” and “furious” at the discovery social media companies have not yet provided illegal refugee emojis.

The reluctance of the major social media outfits to provide the desired anti-woke hieroglyphics is thought to be a “repression of freedom of speech” for the Home Secretary and anyone too scared to not follow her orders.

“How is Priti Patel supposed to compete for attention with the simplistic tweets of Brexit superstar Liz Truss without the full range of pictograms appropriate to her work? She loves her work. She’s very passionate about it. This is an unacceptable situation which needs immediate redress or some tech nerd is getting a wedgie and then deported,” a fabricated, leaked internal memo is said to demand.

“Yes there are Union Flag emojis but the supply of those is currently limited as they are produced confidentially on a just in time basis at an EU27 firm.”

Plans to move production to a domestic facility have faltered after the only production site suitable in England was bulldozed to make way for an inland border facility.

There are further rumours that the Home Secretary is pressuring the Exchequer for an increase in budget in order to develop the range of emojis in-house.

“We will find out who to bully and bribe to get the emojis online swiftly. Donald Trump has said they already exist on his platform but no one can find out where that is.”

But there is said to be help coming from the very top of the UK’s government.

“The Prime Minister has dozens of empty wine crates left over from the weekend’s revenge wedding. He has said he will personally make the emojis out of them just as soon as he can get the right coloured paints.”

The need to increase the obvious racism of U.K. Government domestic communications has been made clear in recent days by the dramatic drop in the polling of the Prime Minister.

“Our base need to know we are there for their needs and no one else’s.”

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Downing Street concerned latest Johnson marriage won’t distract U.K. for longer than “days”

BORRIENATION STREET : 10 DOWNING STREET LEAKS suggest today that the viral Prime Minister and his former mistress are concerned their nuptials may not distract U.K. press for longer than a few days.

”The last thing we need is everyone going back to reporting on Cummings stating the bleeding obvious about the catastrophic mismanagement of the pandemic,” a make believe scribbled note seen by media reads.

“Or Brexit. We can’t have people talking about Kent and the climate change disaster that it now is being full of idling trucks and floodlit 24/7. Never mind how we’re effectively paying the fishermen to be silent. Farmers next. Then hauliers. How much will it cost to shut up the country sector by sector? More than a shiny new boat.”

Obviously the priority is that everyone is happy so that Mr Johnson and his current wife can enjoy some much needed rest after the rushed wedding.

“We’re considering triggering the mass distraction contingency planning. Demolishing the Houses of Parliament to make way for a coliseum will buy a few days grace. This will lead to radical criminal justice reforms as the sentence for every crime will become gladiatorial combat. Maybe also a second miracle birth for Carrie. We got away with the first one. Happily there’s a few to choose from. I personally favour staging the Churchill shrine weeping blue, white and red tears.”

It’s not yet clear which path will be chosen. The decision is likely to be too late and last minute as that concentrates attention on Mr Johnson.

“The key point to remember is not 150,000 avoidable dead. It’s that the prime minister is no more and no less than a celebrity newspaper columnist. As long as we’re all focused on his preventable disasters than in his mind he’s a success.”

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Spitfires to fly over Kent Brexit lorry parks at night to cheer up local residents

LOOK UP IN THE SKY IT’S BREXIT BENEFITS : The residents of Kent are rightfully proud to have added the new title of “England’s Carpark” to the boring old one that was “The Garden of England”.

All you have to do now to see the justification of the new handle is drive on the motorways of Kent and look for the signs to the Inland Customs Facilities which have sprung up like a tribute to a bygone, and more wholesome age.

It is fair to say too that without the good people of Thanet dutifully returning joke MEP candidate Nigel Farage to the EU Parliament, undemocratic election after undemocratic election, Brexit may not even have happened. So it’s right they are benefiting before everyone else.

“It’s been a building boom,” a local resident, whose flower bed now provides temporary homes for trucks, told LCD Views. “Thankfully all the building is flat concrete so it is not obscuring the views.”

The views are important day and night. Happily near half of the Kent electricity supply is now consumed just illuminating the lorry parks after dark.

”This is when the problems start,” the resident did admit. “Sometimes whoever is responsible for turning on the banks of floodlights is a little slow to flick the switch and we almost lose sight of the banks of lorries and trucks. It’s not good enough. I blame the EU of course.”

Others are also upset because apparently stars no longer exist in the Kent sky at night.

Mercifully Downing Street has been alerted and has become alarmed. Morale in the Carpark of England is not taken for granted, even if they now have the distinction of the Kent Access Border Permits. A distinction you have to go as far as Northern Ireland to best.

“We’re taking steps to cheer everyone up,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Clearly the PM has no plans to resume a closer trading position with our nearest neighbours. Quite the reverse. But he’s got just the thing to cheer up patriots.”

Spitfire flypasts.

“From now to eternity each and every dusk a squadron of Spitfires will crisscross the Kent sky. Just look up and enjoy their fuselages lit up by the Lorry Park lights and enjoy the patriotic purr of the powerful engines.”

Which is nice.

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Inquiry finds PM didn’t breach ministerial code as no one is going to do anything about it anyway

RULE OF FLAW : Once you lose your standards you’ve got nothing to lose and all to gain. This truism is the essential bedrock of governance in Boris Johnson’s Brexitannia. And even if you have all to lose, you don’t, because there are no longer any consequences. Which is nice, for some.

“It makes holding inquiries into accusations of breaches of codes and breaking of laws a cinch,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even if the wrongdoing is so egregious we can’t possibly not find the accused guilty it doesn’t matter, we will just excuse the behaviour. The legal sector would go out of business tomorrow if the courts were run like Johnson’s Court. Happily for lawyers the double standards don’t apply to the plebs. Pay that parking fine or we’ll ruin you. Ruin our democracy and we’ll enrich you. Really enrich you if you can supply um, ah, PPE. Ha! Ha! Fucking plebs! Thanks! Ha! Ha! Ha! See how it works?”

Many do see how it works and the issue of zero consequences and a free for all for the powerful is becoming to feel more than a little feudal.

”Feudal is the right word. That’s Brexit for you. Thanks for letting it happen. What’s it like to be ruled by idiots who are fleecing the country and laughing in your face while they do it? No. Don’t tell me. I’ve got to WhatsApp Matt about some PPE, meet Priti behind the lockers to wedgie a subordinate and pay a gold wallpaper supplier.”

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I only broke the ministerial code in a specific and limited way, says Matt Hancock

ALL BREAKAGES MUST BE PAID FOR: Codebreaker extraordinaire Matt Hancock is trying to wriggle away from trouble again. His defence is that, on this occasion, the breakage was small and controlled. 

In modern terms, breaking the ministerial code in a specific and limited way carries a consequence. This is likely to be a pat on the head and a pay rise. 

Every sycophant and rentagobshite in the Conservative Party managed to drag their snout out of the magic money trough long enough to defend him. On the corruption scale, failing to notice that you own shares in your sister’s company while pushing piles on cash in her direction, apparently does not rank very highly. 

“It’s vital to place these events in context,” waffled one such arselicker, Lord Puceface of Gammon. “This may, technically, have been a slight breach, but it’s hardly a crime to support the family business, even without realising it.”

So this isn’t a resigning matter? 

“Oh my goodness, no!” exclaimed His Lordship. “One only resigns for really serious offences, like saying something positive about the EU, or having a crack at Princess Nut Nuts while Boris is off rogering one of his regular fillies.” 

Does it not bother you that Hancock has siphoned off public money to his own sister, and then pretended not to know about it? 

“We are talking a paltry few mill here,” replied Puceface. “A trifling sum, easily overlooked. Now I have known young Hancock since he was a little boy, he works tirelessly for this country and only greases palms when it’s absolutely necessary. Nobody died, that’s what we must focus upon. There is no victim here!” 

Apart from UK taxpayers, and the reputation of the government and the UK. 

Maybe Hancock should be sacked in a specific and limited way. After all, he only does his job in a specific and limited way. 

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BREAKING : Downing Street orders new Eurofighters renamed Spitfire Mark 2.0

THE FLAG WHO SHAGGED ME : Downing Street is set to announce a special public holiday for Monday next week to celebrate the unveiling of our increased offensive capacity.

The cause of celebration is the unveiling of the UK’s new Eurofighter jets, which are now repainted with so many Union Flags no one could possibly take them seriously as an attack aircraft.

“We need everyone to get the Union Flag bunting out and wave it all at once all together,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This way the fighters will camouflage seamlessly with the landscape below and no enemy will ever be able to spot them with even the most powerful satellites. We can all do our bit. Buses need flags too. And dogs need flag jackets. Basically just flags. Flags. Flags. Because we’re a serious country now, thanks to Brexit.”

But while all our thrilled that the pan European project has been completed successfully the name of the fighters is said to be of serious concern.

“Eurofighter isn’t a great look. It suggests we can achieve things working in partnership with other European countries. Which is wrong. They’re now the enemy.”

Happily the geniuses governing us have a solution.

“We are announcing later today that the Eurofighter is now the Great British Spitfire Mark 2.0. This way nostalgia will blend seamlessly with our new strategy of being so ridiculous that no one will ever take us seriously enough to attack.”

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Country that pursued Brexit baffled why liars lying are now hardwired into its politics

NOTES FROM A SMALLER ISLAND : REPORTS ARE SURFACING today of an intense sense of bafflement in an ever shrinking far right colony off the coast of Europe. The confusion appears to centre on how the politics of the ever reducing pin point became so corrupted by liars.

“No one knows how it happened,” one commentator relates. “Every day and every minister just seems set to total, 100% bullshit mode the entire time. Clearly I supported Brexit as the will of the people. So I’m just completely baffled.”

The sense of confusion is only deepened by both of the major political parties on the little island still validating Brexit. In spite of the obvious and enduring harm it causes and the fact it was sold with lies.

“The liar is chief is sky high in the polls. Which is baffling,” one opposition MP commented. “I mean we had to help get Brexit done because democracy is healthy when you decide your entire future on a criminally corrupted opinion poll.”

How to stop the liars lying is also increasingly discussed by anyone who is paying attention, who isn’t profiting off the lying.

Happily though there are no current signs of the official opposition turning on Brexit and calling it out for the fraudulent omnishambles that it is.

“That suits the chief liars perfectly. And from that they’ll profit,” another commentator noted. “Until the great lie is challenged the liars will go on lying and the country will go on shrinking in size. Which is nice”

Anyone fed to the back teeth with the unending train of idiocy is advised to forget about it and help make a success of Brexit!