PHOENIX FROM THE FLAMES: A woman who torched a whole bundle of £50 notes today was overjoyed when she spotted, amongst the smouldering ashes, a shiny penny.
The woman, whom we shall call Liz Truss (since it was she), was so pleased with herself that she went straight to the shops to buy something World Beating in a Union Jack wrapper.
This is unrelated to the news that Truss also revealed a stonking new example of inward investment. A new factory is being set up, for the price of a PPE contract. Up to 50 jobs will be created, possibly far fewer, to make ketchup, which is a pungent and violently red sauce used to disguise the flavour of post-Brexit Great British Cuisine.
This will be of great interest to at least two groups of people.
Firstly, the redundant fishermen and farmers whose industries are no longer viable. This has come about after the EU, or Evil Empire Mark 2, decided to impose the rules the UK became subject to the moment it decided to leave.
These patriotic souls will be delighted to retrain as red sauce makers. It beats being a cyber ballerina any day.
The second group is the Bullingdon Club, who might just have found a new member. Even if she is totty. It takes some balls to burn a handful of fifties in front of a homeless country.
When Truss returns from spending a penny (let’s hope she washes her hands) Global Britain will, once again, take its place at the head of the world table. After all, burning money is God’s way of showing the world just how superior the British are.
Meanwhile let’s break out our Liz Truss favourite pork and cheese, well what little we can afford. Now is not the time to worry about piles of money going up in flames. After all, we do have a penny.