Posted on

BREAKING : Home Office begins issuing deportation notices to foreign babies overseas

NO FOETUS IS AN ISLAND : Controlling Britain’s borders has never been easier since the country sensibly took back control from the tyrannical EU and today breaks the news that Priti Patel’s Home Office is relishing its new found global super power.

The runaway success of the Hostile Environment stands as one of the greatest legacies of the May/Cameron era with its snappy catchphrase “Citizens of Nowhere” fingered by some as the moment the U.K. really took back control of negotiations with the EU. Now Priti Patel is taking the Home Field advantage and driving it into foreign soils.

“Operation In-Utero De-Porto is the next stage in the globally recognised push to rid the U.K. of unwanted peoples. You know the kind, they come to the country and steal jobs. Jobs which right thinking Britons should be doing. Thanks to Brexit we’ve 100’s of 1,000’s of job vacancies now which just shows how successful your government has been pursuing Nigel Farage’s priorities,” a Home Office spokesman told LCD Views.

In-Utero De-Porto has been given “a name that sounds both Latin and Latin” the spokesman explains so that “forrins can better understand it” and has already seen thousands of newborns across the EU issued with pre-emotive deportation notices.

“Those babies know that if they come to Global Britain they’ll be going right back out again. It’s how we will build Empire 2.0. Soon we will be expanding the scheme to issue notices to unborn job thieves and potentially even individual spermatozoa and ovals before they join. You can never go too far when it comes to nipping job crime in the bud.”

But some critics within the Tory Party have expressed alarm at the scheme.

“It’s been misreported that we’re upset over the loss of small but vigorous children for field work and chimney sweeping. Changes to UC will ensure a ready domestic supply of the needed staff,” Swivel Eyes Loon MP told LCD Views.

“What we are really upset over is robbing future Conservative MPs of the chance to persecute people who moved to the U.K. perfectly legally before having the rug pulled from under them. The lost years of mental stress and despair, and the money shakedown that now won’t happen, shows we need a system that lets them in first. Then we punish them.”

Global Britain – You don’t need to wait to come here before being told Leave means Leave.

Posted on

BREAKING : CV19 blamed for damaging Brexit, which otherwise would be “perfect”

BLAMEDEMIC : The pandemic has come in for a lot of flack in recent months but none more so now that it is attacking the holy grail of British politics.

“It’s undermining our sovereignty,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If it wasn’t for the pandemic we’d have had that trade deal with India sorted. Not a problem. Boris would have flown over there on AirDumb One and they would have fallen at his feet and accepted any terms whatsoever. But no, no, a little strand of RNA thought different. And here we are. It’s so depressing we’re having to lengthen our lunches just to make up more excuses for not choosing elimination as the focus of our pandemic strategy.”

Although the inability of Downing Street to grasp reducing the number of people dying prematurely is actually good for the country, at least the French champagne producers are seeing a benefit.

“No fear there. Boris and his chums will personally see that Champagne stays a wealthy wine growing area, regardless of whatever swill they try and push on us from Kent. Maybe we should blame English sparkling wine producers for undermining Brexit? Most of them wanted it. You’d think they’d be able to make a success of it.”

CV-19 was sought for comment in response to being blamed for undermining Brexit, but responded it was “far too busy making hay now that testing is in decline”.

Brexit was similarly reticent to comment, directing all enquires to “My agents at 10 Downing Street – they’ll make a titanic success of commenting on it”. They are after all the ones “entirely responsible for the form I (Brexit) took and the appalling management of the pandemic.”

Posted on

Remainers to blame for empty shelves – ‘They should have won the referendum’ says government

The blame for the ongoing shortage of lorry drivers and for empty supermarket shelves is the fault of remainers, according to a government spokesman.

‘We wouldn’t be where we are now if more people had voted in favour of EU membership in June 2016,’ said Jason Pratt on behalf of Lord Frost. ‘I mean, it stands to reason that if the chattering classes in Hampstead and the so-called red wall voters in the north had actually got off their backsides and voted in favour of membership, we wouldn’t be in the mess we are now. So it’s their fault, innit?’

Lord Frost later said that the EU has to accept some of the blame.

‘Did you ever hear them warning the hard working fishermen, farmers and transport companies that leaving the EU would result in a loss of their livelihood, shortages of food, the return of the troubles in Northern Ireland and rats the size of otters roaming unchecked through the streets of our fair cities? I certainly didn’t, and why not? Because the BBC and mainstream media were too busy telling us that everything would be nice, so they’re to blame as well.’

Michael Gove, Minister without Point, waded in to the controversy. ‘If only the experts had warned us of the dangers of closing our borders and leaving the largest trading block in the world rather than banging on about getting our sovereignty back, having our cake* and eating it, and how grateful Brits would at last be able to pick cabbages* in a muddy field in Norfolk in January for £3 ph.’

Kevin Pastie, a lorry driver, said, ‘I’ve been stuck in this queue for so long now, that Kent council have told me I need planning permission. It’s disgusting that no-one told Mr Farage what would happen. I blame Jeremy Corbyn.’

*cabbages and cake subject to availability. Only one item per customer.

Posted on

Priti Patel to deport anyone who can speak a foreign language

E PLURIBUS UNUM: Under new English Purity regulations, any person in the UK able to speak a foreign language will be deported. Exceptions to this linguistic cul-de-sac include Latin speakers. 

“Are langwidge is dyin’,” announced Priti Patel as the policy was unveiled. “Anyone talkin’ forrin will be assumed to be a traitor to Ingerland, and I will be deportin’ them. I will be takin’ decisive action, and I have already appointed Lord Digby Jones to police people droppin’ the “G” off of the endin’ of words.”

Why the exception for Latin? 

“Latin, or ‘Lating‘ once Digby gets to work, is an enthrallin’ tong,” snapped Patel. “It’s wot da kidz is lernin’ in da hood, or Eton as you elitists probably call it. It’s been ingrained in the langwidge for, like, years bro, innit, and we isn’t called da Conservative Party for nuffin’!” 

Schadenfreude aside, what do the Great British People think? LCD Views visited the brand-new internment camp for people who don’t speak like Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

“It’s cowing ridiculous!” said Perry Barr from Birmingham. “I’m in here because I said ‘Bostin’ to a policeman!” 

Barr revealed that the camp was full of Scots, Welsh, Scousers and Geordies, the Welsh and Gaelic speakers in solitary confinement. 

“We ‘ave to tike elocution lessons, roight,” said Barr. “To mike us tork proper posh. If you won’t say ‘parse the grarse’ they put you on the next floight to Ascension Oisland.” 

The camp manager, Job Sworth, had a different slant on things.

“If one is in England, one must speak the Queen’s English,” he declared in impeccable Received Pronunciation. “Use of anything else, except Latin of course, is evidence of intellectual elitist EU-loving treachery.” Bostin is not an English word. Would Jacob Rees-Mogg say Bostin? No. Would the Queen say Bostin? No. Precisely the point. This anti-democratic use of non-English words and phrases must be stamped out or we will all end up speaking German!” 

Wunderbar. 

Posted on

BREAKING : Downing Street launches inquiry into why it took so long to blame “last Labour government” for HGV crisis

HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME : Tony Blair isn’t often out of the news and he’s back dead centre today, alongside Gordon Brown, after 10 Downing Street launched an inquiry into the HGV driver shortage.

The inquiry is to be headed up by supreme Tory party intellect Andrew Bridgen and will focus on the last Labour government’s attempts to educate the populace. Mr Bridgen is well regarded as a tour de force of Conservative thinking, largely due to his competition.

“It’s shocking what Labour did,” Mr Bridgen told an empty box of cereal. “They done give the kids education. What’s that all for? We need field serfs not scientists. We need chimney sweeps not doctors. We need knocker uppers to make sure the PM gets home before light, not entrepenopeners. I didn’t get where I am today by being educated. You can tell by my every utterance that my own education was sorely lacking. I got here because I’ve a deep sense of insecurity that could only be soothed by bullying people weaker than me. Daily. That’s why I became a Tory MP.”

It’s likely of course that if Mr Bridgen hadn’t settled on politics he would have become a HGV driver.

“It’s only because I didn’t learn Latin that I couldn’t become a HGV driver,” Mr Bridgen illuminates. “The last Labour government has a lot to answer for. Education, education, education was all very well if you’re prepared to fund it out of a basic recognition that the strength of a country is reliant on its education system. Well, that’s not us.”

The inquiry is expected to be wrapped up by lunchtime and its findings delivered on Mr Bridgen’s twitter feed.

“The last Labour government have a lot to answer for,” Mr Bridgen is seething. “Not least the attempts to stop kids turning into gammon.”

Posted on

Latin language lessons to replace French so British schoolchildren forget UK links to Europe

mortuus Cattus : Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has not looked back since his early years as the seventeenth best, secondhand (and recently refurbished) fireplace salesman in Little Dorrit.

In recent years he has held several ministries in the long running Tory rule. The high point clearly being fired for leaking secrets while Defence Secretary. But failure is no barrier to advancement under Boris Johnson. Now Mr Williamson has the education of mighty Global Britain’s tender young minds in his care.

So it comes as no surprise that he has decided to do something as twattishly stupid as force British state school children to learn Latin. Which will come as a surprise, no doubt, to their teachers many of whom will now also be learning Latin.

“Some might think that increased funding, food and more teachers would be of greater help,” a source close to Gav said, “but they haven’t seen the whip he keeps on his desk. He’s very impressive.”

Clearly though, in spite of the whip, critics are less than impressed.

That could be regarded as an improvement for Mr Williamson who is so desperately insecure and mediocre such an estimation is a factum massive.

“He says learning Latin will prepare schoolchildren to learn modern languages,” a baffled Education expert comments. “Why not just then teach them modern languages? Ones they can actually practice in real life situations? The guy is a complete twat. Which is actually how you say Gavin Williamson in Latin.”

Regardless of the harping on of detractors Mr Williamson has the support of 10 Downing Street for the changes.

“The PM thinks it’s a great windup and will distract everyone for a few days from the hash he’s made of the UK’s food supplies. So have at it Gavin,” a 10 Downing Street source says.

“And besides it’s best they learn Latin. Learning French or Italian will just remind them of the deep links of friendship and unity we severed to achieve Brexit. And we don’t want that.”

Posted on

Right wing media FURIOUS CV19 app not just money transfer service for Tory donors

RETURN ON INVESTMENT : Terrifying scenes in the homes and offices of right wing, fashy, gobshite opinion formers and their bankrollers this week as the NHS app seems suddenly determined to keep people alive.

“We’ve had to sedate half the work force,” an insider at the Fashtator told LCD Views. “The sheer irresponsibility of allowing the great unwashed to take pre-emptive action to delay death is staggering. This is not the Tory Britain we campaign for. Won’t somebody think of the share prices of commercial landlords? It’s a pandemic of pain and the inherited wealth is feeling it more than some work-shy A&E nurse.”

The decision of the NHS App to become suddenly efficient is worrying many, especially at the heart of government.

“It’s baffling,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “We all assumed it would never function as we promised. It was just supposed to be an icon and billions out the back door to our chums. The weak of the herd would be culled carrying about a smart phone with a dumb app. This is like Stonehenge suddenly glowing at night and emitting an electromagnetic field as its alien builders prepare to return and take away our tax havens. Chilling stuff. It’s clearly nothing to do with letting the virus rip and one in sixty-five Britons having the virus last week.”

But the most searing criticism is from the VIP channel of Tory Party friends and donors. To say they are unimpressed is to understate it. They have zero concern whether or not humans who can’t be bothered to be born privileged live or die.

“We paid good money to prop up Johnson’s catastrophic regime in the expectation of a sizeable return on investment. First via Brexit and now the pandemic. Disaster capitalism 101. It’s perfect. We expect the people to die! This is outrageous. Next you’ll be expecting us to supply useable PPE.”

Posted on

BREAKING : PM said to be “rummaging furiously” in dressing up box for lifesaver outfit

NOT WAVING DROWNING : Boris Johnson is a plucky underdog who doesn’t step back from engineering fights for his media outriders to embattled themselves in. But it seems the latest in the culture punch ups, that involving the RNLI, is set to see him perform the sort of about face he performed over footballers and racism.

“It seemed a simple enough fight to win,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “We have Priti Patel do what she loves best, demonise forrins and the people who like to help them, and get Farage shouting at the sea then wait for the victory dance. But in spite of overwhelmingly voting for that racism fuelled idiocy of Brexit, the Great British public now seem reticent about attacking volunteer lifesavers? Who would have thought it!”

And reticent the public are, so much so they’ve dug deep into their pockets and showered the RNLI with support to combat the attacks of Farage, Patel and others.

“Johnson will be okay, don’t worry,” the source reassures. “He’ll just have to pivot and show his support for the RNLI. Put a little clear water between himself and Farage, before calling him back into action again.”

The only potential snag in the pivot is thought to be the failure of the PM to locate a RNLI outfit.

“He’s got a dressing up box overflowing with costumes of all sorts of occupations, but bafflingly not one to do with rescuing non-white people at sea. It’s taken us all totally by surprise. We’re phoning around our donors right now to see if anyone has one? But so far they’ve all said they just have WW2 military outfits, and those are from the wrong side…”

All is not lost however.

“Lunch is due any minute, right after breakfast, so there will be plenty of empty wine crates by mid-afternoon out of which the PM can knock out a lifesaver’s outfit. He’ll be there beaming by the sea, attempting to get ahead of the charitable crowd and lead, before you know it.”

Posted on

BREAKING : MOD ordered to “work up” plans to invade Suez to distract from supermarket shelf crisis

CRISIS IS OPPORTUNITY : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to love chaos as he believes it makes him the focus, and he’s certainly adept at creating crisis after crisis. He presumably feels he is now everyone’s focus, just as he wanted.

However there is thought to be concern building within the Executive that the current crisis, the one about food, may soon become a bigger focus than even the idiot who engineered it. Swift action is called for.

“That’s why we’ve ordered the Ministry of Defence to draw up plans to invade Suez and seize the Suez Channel,” an automaton, repurposed from its original purpose as a vacuum cleaner, told LCD Views. “Although we’re doubtful the bloody French will go along with it this time around. Mind you it’s their fault we failed in the 1950’s. This time, with Johnson at the helm, it will work out different. This is Empire 2.0 in action.”

It’s hoped the manufacturing of an “easy and winnable” war in North Africa will help boost the PM’s ratings now that the much celebrated vaccine bounce appears to be fading.

“We’ll park the new aircraft carrier off the coast and demand whoever is currently running Egypt hand us the keys to the canal,” the source informs. “After that we’ll have Raab go ashore and plant the Union Flag at the entrance to the Suez Channel and get back home in time for the victory parade. It’s impossible to see any drawbacks to this idea. Get Suez Done! The slogan wrote itself.”

But critics within the government are thought to be asking how the invasion of Egypt will help with domestic food supply problems?

“The Nile is famous as a horticultural landscape. We’ll just ship back whatever food we need once we control the place,” the source shrugs. “Mr Johnson has thought of it all personally. He’s planning it right now with Captain Bollinger.”

Posted on

Chancellor urged to hit RNLI with “windfall tax” by Priti Patel

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME : Rumours are swirling inside, and outside, of a fictional Westminster village today that an imaginary version of famous humanitarian Priti Patel is putting pressure on famous restaurant advocate Rishi Sunak to tax the RNLI.

The completely fabricated rumour, which has no basis in established reality at all, has been dreamed up as a way of wondering how the senior Tory leadership are taking losing yet another culture war struggle?

“You know they’d like to do something about it,” a make believe analyst made believe. “The Woke keep handing them their arses. First hungry school kids, then footballers’ knees and now whether or not it’s right to stop other humans drowning at sea? Maybe a more severe attitude is required?”

It is reasonable to assume it’s certainly coming as a shock to the Johnson administration and its media gobshites to discover (on balance) the Great British public are not as vile as they want them to be, yet.

“Boris Johnson is a famous liberal. He’s liberalised food bank use. He’s liberalised use of racist tropes and denial of use of racism. He’s liberalised xenophobic attitudes to our nearest European allies. Why wouldn’t the liberalising influence of his style of politics influence attitudes to taxing charities who save people? So clearly we’re not talking about Eton, which appears to do the opposite.”

But critics inside the administration are blaming Mr Johnson himself for the ability of the RNLI to display the best possible face of the U.K. internationally.

“If he hadn’t ordered the aircraft carrier off to the other side of the world than we could moor it in the English Channel and the Home Secretary could personally supervise shouting ‘Go Home!’ at people often made refugees as a result of British arms sales. It’s incredibly shortsighted. Especially as the Yanks have now told us to take our big boat and go home ourselves.”

The search is now on in Downing Street for which culture war fight to pick and lose next?

“It’s almost as if the polling which shows altogether the British are progressive, just divided by an antiquated voting system and thus easily ruled by psychotics, is true,” our analyst notes.