LCD Views

BLAMEDEMIC : The pandemic has come in for a lot of flack in recent months but none more so now that it is attacking the holy grail of British politics.

“It’s undermining our sovereignty,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If it wasn’t for the pandemic we’d have had that trade deal with India sorted. Not a problem. Boris would have flown over there on AirDumb One and they would have fallen at his feet and accepted any terms whatsoever. But no, no, a little strand of RNA thought different. And here we are. It’s so depressing we’re having to lengthen our lunches just to make up more excuses for not choosing elimination as the focus of our pandemic strategy.”

Although the inability of Downing Street to grasp reducing the number of people dying prematurely is actually good for the country, at least the French champagne producers are seeing a benefit.

“No fear there. Boris and his chums will personally see that Champagne stays a wealthy wine growing area, regardless of whatever swill they try and push on us from Kent. Maybe we should blame English sparkling wine producers for undermining Brexit? Most of them wanted it. You’d think they’d be able to make a success of it.”

CV-19 was sought for comment in response to being blamed for undermining Brexit, but responded it was “far too busy making hay now that testing is in decline”.

Brexit was similarly reticent to comment, directing all enquires to “My agents at 10 Downing Street – they’ll make a titanic success of commenting on it”. They are after all the ones “entirely responsible for the form I (Brexit) took and the appalling management of the pandemic.”

The blame for the ongoing shortage of lorry drivers and for empty supermarket shelves is the fault of remainers, according to a government spokesman.

‘We wouldn’t be where we are now if more people had voted in favour of EU membership in June 2016,’ said Jason Pratt on behalf of Lord Frost. ‘I mean, it stands to reason that if the chattering classes in Hampstead and the so-called red wall voters in the north had actually got off their backsides and voted in favour of membership, we wouldn’t be in the mess we are now. So it’s their fault, innit?’

Lord Frost later said that the EU has to accept some of the blame.

‘Did you ever hear them warning the hard working fishermen, farmers and transport companies that leaving the EU would result in a loss of their livelihood, shortages of food, the return of the troubles in Northern Ireland and rats the size of otters roaming unchecked through the streets of our fair cities? I certainly didn’t, and why not? Because the BBC and mainstream media were too busy telling us that everything would be nice, so they’re to blame as well.’

Michael Gove, Minister without Point, waded in to the controversy. ‘If only the experts had warned us of the dangers of closing our borders and leaving the largest trading block in the world rather than banging on about getting our sovereignty back, having our cake* and eating it, and how grateful Brits would at last be able to pick cabbages* in a muddy field in Norfolk in January for £3 ph.’

Kevin Pastie, a lorry driver, said, ‘I’ve been stuck in this queue for so long now, that Kent council have told me I need planning permission. It’s disgusting that no-one told Mr Farage what would happen. I blame Jeremy Corbyn.’

*cabbages and cake subject to availability. Only one item per customer.

HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME : Tony Blair isn’t often out of the news and he’s back dead centre today, alongside Gordon Brown, after 10 Downing Street launched an inquiry into the HGV driver shortage.

The inquiry is to be headed up by supreme Tory party intellect Andrew Bridgen and will focus on the last Labour government’s attempts to educate the populace. Mr Bridgen is well regarded as a tour de force of Conservative thinking, largely due to his competition.

“It’s shocking what Labour did,” Mr Bridgen told an empty box of cereal. “They done give the kids education. What’s that all for? We need field serfs not scientists. We need chimney sweeps not doctors. We need knocker uppers to make sure the PM gets home before light, not entrepenopeners. I didn’t get where I am today by being educated. You can tell by my every utterance that my own education was sorely lacking. I got here because I’ve a deep sense of insecurity that could only be soothed by bullying people weaker than me. Daily. That’s why I became a Tory MP.”

It’s likely of course that if Mr Bridgen hadn’t settled on politics he would have become a HGV driver.

“It’s only because I didn’t learn Latin that I couldn’t become a HGV driver,” Mr Bridgen illuminates. “The last Labour government has a lot to answer for. Education, education, education was all very well if you’re prepared to fund it out of a basic recognition that the strength of a country is reliant on its education system. Well, that’s not us.”

The inquiry is expected to be wrapped up by lunchtime and its findings delivered on Mr Bridgen’s twitter feed.

“The last Labour government have a lot to answer for,” Mr Bridgen is seething. “Not least the attempts to stop kids turning into gammon.”

CRISIS IS OPPORTUNITY : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to love chaos as he believes it makes him the focus, and he’s certainly adept at creating crisis after crisis. He presumably feels he is now everyone’s focus, just as he wanted.

However there is thought to be concern building within the Executive that the current crisis, the one about food, may soon become a bigger focus than even the idiot who engineered it. Swift action is called for.

“That’s why we’ve ordered the Ministry of Defence to draw up plans to invade Suez and seize the Suez Channel,” an automaton, repurposed from its original purpose as a vacuum cleaner, told LCD Views. “Although we’re doubtful the bloody French will go along with it this time around. Mind you it’s their fault we failed in the 1950’s. This time, with Johnson at the helm, it will work out different. This is Empire 2.0 in action.”

It’s hoped the manufacturing of an “easy and winnable” war in North Africa will help boost the PM’s ratings now that the much celebrated vaccine bounce appears to be fading.

“We’ll park the new aircraft carrier off the coast and demand whoever is currently running Egypt hand us the keys to the canal,” the source informs. “After that we’ll have Raab go ashore and plant the Union Flag at the entrance to the Suez Channel and get back home in time for the victory parade. It’s impossible to see any drawbacks to this idea. Get Suez Done! The slogan wrote itself.”

But critics within the government are thought to be asking how the invasion of Egypt will help with domestic food supply problems?

“The Nile is famous as a horticultural landscape. We’ll just ship back whatever food we need once we control the place,” the source shrugs. “Mr Johnson has thought of it all personally. He’s planning it right now with Captain Bollinger.”

OPERATION DUDKIRK : Across the plains of Norfolk, in the valleys and dales of West Sussex, on the searing mountain tops of Hertfordshire the great people of Great Britain are increasingly asking “What will we do when the supermarkets run out of food?” Lucky for Brits the PM has the answer!

It’s becoming clearer day by day that the slackers running the UK’s food supply chains aren’t up to the job of coping with Boris Johnson’s Brexit. This is in spite of been given a full half an hour to prepare for it once the PM hosted that hilarious Commons vote late last year to get the necessary fig leaf from Parliament. MPs from both major parties in England turned up to vote through his Oven Ready Brexit Deal. They played their part, even though the vote had zero legal force and all they were doing was validating Johnson’s chaos. It’s not as if the UK’s system of governance is no longer fit for porpoise, or dolphin.

“They then expected the UK’s hauliers and retailers to do their part,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But they haven’t. They’ve let us all done badly. What’s so bally difficult about taking food from a port to a shop? How have the UK’s supply chains failed the government so badly?”

How indeed. It’s clear who is to blame but what was not clear until today was what would we do about it? Happily we have a PM who is obsessed with smearing himself with Churchill references.

“We’re calling it Operation Dudkirk,” the source says. “This is because the supermarkets and hauliers are duds. Just ask Boris! But Great Britain won’t be so readily defeated by a delusional self image of itself in the 21st Century! We’re fighting back! And the PM is leading the charge.”

While the PM won’t be physically leading any charge, except perhaps into a fridge, he will be doing his part and issuing the rallying cry to save shoppers.

“He’s going to make a speech later this afternoon and call on tens of thousands of British motorists to go to Dover! Unload those damn baskets of fresh produce and dry goods yourself. Then take them across the great sweep of the British isles to UK supermarkets. Fill those shelves Britons! It’s your duty. Let the missing HGV drivers feel the great heat of the shame they have visited upon us.”