Olympic committee refuse GB request to have ‘the long game’ made a sport as it never ends

There is measured fury today from Team GB at the news the International Olympic committee has refused Team GB’s request to have ‘the long game’ recognised as a sport and to be included in competition the next time London hosts the Olympics.

“It never ends,” Olympic official, Mr Un Bribable told LCD Views’ sports desk, “at first we thought they were talking about test match cricket. We considered that, now it has day night format, four day potential and different coloured balls.”

But it seems once the committee discovered it was actually a political game interest cooled quickly.

“Yes, the Olympics goes for a couple of weeks, so a game over a few days maybe possible, so long as not many countries in the world were interesting in competing in it.

But a game that goes over years? A movement game?

Where you have to build a movement and the nurture it, and then deal with factional infighting at the same time as your opponent is dealing with factional infighting and is incredibly vulnerable, but you refuse to go on all out attack?

What is the point of that? When you see an open goal but refuse to strike because you’d prefer to strike in the 52,000th minute, just because.

We understand the scoring system deducts points from your team in penalties while you refuse to attack a weakened opponent and gives it to them too.

I don’t see how anyone is going to win, given there is no actual specified length of play either and the team captain is generally only found in small halls complaining no one gives him attention.”

Asked for comment, Team GB financial director, John said,

“I like that the first half of this game doesn’t finish until 2022.

That’s several years away and I rather like a movement game that never ends, it makes me feel important every morning with no possibility of having to stop playing, or even winning.”

Tin foil suit sales boom as Soros conspiracy theory thrown up by Tory press

Tin foil suit salesmen, Brexiters and biffers are cheering wildly today as the Tory press turns its Sauron like eye onto George Soros.

“It’s almost got me in a state of joy so fierce I’m catatonic,” said Nazi memorabilia enthusiastic, Mr Pond Life,

“I mean Brexit had become a little stale for me, what with my limited attention span and loathing of fact.

But a Jewish conspiracy theory leading by implication to the secret Rothschild bank conspiracy to take over the world and flood MY INGLAND with muslamic refugees?

It’s like winning the world cup of bifferdom for a biffer like me.”

We asked our flat earth specialist, Mr K Nowledge, for his analysis of the latest twist in the Brexit psychodrama.

“Well it’s certainly putting more psycho in the drama,” he helpfully observed,

“and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Tory press go even further and attempt to link it to a secret communist conspiracy sex plot to subvert the will of the people, funded and fronted by others similar to Mr Soros, who are well known for being bang on for promotion of the communist utopia on an earth shaped like a dinner plate.”

It’s also a useful pick me up for a hard right Tory coup that had come to look a bit silly in recent weeks.

What with Boris revealed as a mummy whose mind rotted out centuries past.

Jacob Rees-mogg and Steve Baker revealed as perhaps the least competent conspiratorial pair since the gunpowder plotters.

Nadine Dorris never wanting to play chess again because she can’t understand how to use a bishop and then calling for the game to be outlawed.

The perpetual fumbling machine the government has built on the border between NI and the Republic.

The horrifying economic forecasts produced and leaked by the department that’s supposed to be promoting Brexit.

Not to mention a defence secretary who forgets his chequered past and gets outplayed, finding himself with egg all over his face, after trying to take on Russia for his own party political ends.

It’s not been a good run.

Good thing the opposition are playing the ‘long game’ or the government would have been finished.

“Yes Jewish money conspiracy theory? What’s not to like?

Brexit is all about mobilising race, ethnic, religious hatreds and nationalism towards the ends of neocon capitalists who want to strip away working people’s rights and profit of that and the rest of Brexit.

Imagine the boom in arms sales anticipated if Brexit is successful in the UK, then refined and used cut and paste to carve other countries out of the EU?”

We could go from saying it’s like the 1930’s in here, to it’s like the 1940’s.

“Yes! And how good was the swing music then!”

Well, it’s nice to see some balance in the debate anyway, with the smearing vilification of George Soros, the hard right Tory backing press has shown it still has depths to plumb!

“The only real risk is that Labour finds itself now being attached to a cart and donkey that they perhaps finally don’t want to be seen to help push along the rutted road to Brexit.”

What happens then?

“There’s the outside, and I admit it’s exceptionally distant, outside possibility they switch finally and oppose Brexit, rather than facilitate  it.

Which most probably brings down May’s government.

Which will also throw the Tory press barons into such an enraged, monkeys flinging scat at walls frenzy of gibberish, that it breaks the hard right Tory press.

We really do need to take stock of where the United Kingdom is headed, now more than ever with Brexit press trying to Jewish conspiracy card.

Are we determined to move from a neocon Conservative government to the same government, but rebranded over time as national socialism, or not?”

Big questions for a Sunday lunch chat.

“Indeed. Break the Tory press and its democracy rotting power? Who would want to do that? Not old Corbyn. He’s a pacifist.”

Sounds like another attempt to subvert the will of the people.

“Or serve the interests of the many, instead of the few?”

That’s possible too.

Corbyn shock descent from Richard the Lionheart DNA analysis reveals why he’s always away on crusade

LCD Views can report wonderful news from the world of science with the revelation that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is a descendent of the famous French-English King, and sovereign of England in the 12th century, Richard the Lionheart.

“I’m thrilled,” Mr Corbyn is expected to say when he addresses the matter later on Twitter,

“It gives me something big to talk about that isn’t Brex…I mean, it’s a bit of an ironic twist.

If anyone, you would have thought I’d be descended from Wat Tyler, but then he fought for freedom of movement, so maybe not the best link after all, given I am now apparently against it. Am I against it? What’s our position on things today? What’s Keir said?”

The surprising bit of DNA work came about after Mr Corbyn’s copy of the Virgin Rail timetable was found in a recycling bin and taken away for analysis.

We spoke to Professor Anythin Butt from the Institute of Famous DNA to hear more.

“Well, the lads and I had a few too many whiskies a few weeks back and we thought, wouldn’t it be funny to break into the crypt of Richard I and get us a bit of bone. The idea came about because of that amusing Boris Swiss mummy story.”

It seems they were so tickled by the idea they immediately put momentum behind it and drove to Anjou, France, that night.

“Stage One took a fair bit of guts. I don’t know if you’ve ever driven the last Leyland on the roads down to Dover and stolen a boat? While completely smashed, and then evaded the UK’s last remaining coastguard boat to cross the channel under the cover of darkness? I have!”

It seems they had several contemporary samples which they attempted to match the famous monarch to, but it was JC who won.

“It really makes perfect sense,” Prof Butt said, “now we know why he’s always off on some crusade and not fighting against the one thing that is the greatest current threat to workers, and their livelihoods in UK today.

You know, the Tories political project that is going to make renationalising anything but spit impossible to achieve, because of the chronic economic hardship that will result? But let’s talk about other things.”

He touched the side of his nose then and whispered ‘long game’.

The news is not expected to bring any great comfort to the millions of people though, who are expected to lose their jobs once the Tories succeed in crashing the UK out of both the SM and CU, as is their likely design, while Labour stands by whipping its MP’s in support every time it matters.

But of course no one at all except class traitor yellow Tories will blame Labour when the entire country just suddenly falls off a cliff into civil disorder and asset stripping glory.

Imagine being pretty left wing and aligning yourself with Jacob Rees-mogg and Nigel Farage and Rupert Murdoch on a political agenda that is just steeped in racism and threats to people’s rights? Mad hey! What times we live in.

“It’s just genetic when it comes to JC’s stance on Brexit,” the professor winked, “Nature v nurture. It seems nurture has won out on this one.”

Next he tried to take a hair sample and we left.

British Army ordered to synchronise privates on parade with Trump’s non-phallic military calvacade

British Army chiefs are said to be uncertain how to respond to an order direct from 10 Downing Street that they are to synchronise privates on parade with Trump’s totally non-phallic military calvacade later in the year.

LCD Views normally requests Defence Secretary Gavin “tarantula” Willyson write for us directly on any defence related matters, so why change a good habit now?

Over to you keeper of the dark arts.

“People are asking me how I feel about that trembling bird brain in my office of destiny at Downing Street going behind my back and ordering my British Army to organise a parade,” Mr Willyson writes, “am I mad?”

And are you mad?

“I’m furious!

When I promoted myself to run the military of the United Kingdom I did so because it seemed the natural progression for chief whip of the Conservatives.

What’s better than a book full of other people’s secrets when it’s time to apply a mental chinese burn, than having the whole saucy military in the palm of your hand when some pinko, commie, leftie, commie, pinkos get up to no good, once the post Brexit food rationing starts?

I’ve the whole lot of you right where I want you. It makes me aroused.

Not in a sexual way. In the purely academic sense of having all those guns and missiles and submarines under my command. Throbbing in the palms of my hands.

Cheers me up the thought on down days.

Days like the day following the day after you have a big spray about the Russians in the press.

But you forgot about all that illicit stuff in the early 00’s. And the devious rooskies already have a fat file on everything naughty you’ve ever done.

Which is shock, even if you’re defence minister of a nuclear power.

Who thought that being defence minister of a nuclear power would be harder than screaming behind closed doors at gutless Tory MP’s who are terrified someone will find out what they did on their gap year?

Oh, this is probably all too much for the average voter to understand. This is why you’re the ruled and not the ruler. Metric or imperial! ha!

Now, no military parade in the United Kingdom is going to be phallic, as we will have downsized the whole show to a couple of cardboard cutouts by the summer, and neither will Donald’s, not with hands his size.

We can line up a flat screen television in Leicester Square, show the US on parade on it and have our privates out and parading at the same time. No way on earth will that flop. What ho!”

 

Global Britain 2.0 publishing house launches “Bob the Brexiter” series to teach children about cannibalism

Global Britain 2.0 publishing house has launched the exciting and new “Bob the Brexiter” series to teach reception age children about cannibalism and how to survive in near future Britain.

Our education supplement editor, Rosie Searchlight, spoke to the head of Global Britain 2.0 publishers to find out more about this mad development.

“Fanfannyfantastiloosic!” Chief editor of kid’s books, Mr Johnson Johnson, told Rosie,

“When the aaaaa, esteemed and much cherished Department for Edu-edumacation asked us to work hand in glove with the Nadine Dorris Institute for Idiots to devise, design and ultimately launch like a comet into a field jam packed with giant reptlies, the Bob the Brexiter series, we couldn’t wait to get our big fingers into that pie and rip chunks out and smear them over our cheeks like a toddler faced with a bag of chocolates.”

Great to see such enthusiasm for going forward. Whose actual concept was it?

“Well, it’s a little intentionally derivative. We studied the plots of USA neocon financial long cons, the trickle down lark, we mixed in some of the shame the institutions that are the foundations of democratic politics, really run them down over time, so you can take control, bit of that stuff, and then we slammed a whole help of ‘Lord of the Flies’ in for good measure. It’s bloody good fun.”

But what about early reports from some parents that their children have started crying midway through reading the first “Bob the Brexiter” book, seemingly having confused it with a long running series where a competent team of professionals overcome obstacles to construct something worthwhile?

“Fibble fabble. All children. Absolutely every single mite who has gotten one of the first editions in their hands has got to the end and thrown up in excitement.”

That’s reassuring.

“And thanks to our colleagues at the Department for Health for organising the coming promotional tour of all schools when Nadine, from the Nadine Dorris Institute for Idiots, will be along to give away sensibly priced signed copies to everyone present.

She’ll also be asking everyone to join a WhatsApp group with her, because apparently, even though she helped write them, she doesn’t quite understand the books.

It actually got a bit sticky. But she convinced herself that if something is too complex for you to understand you should throw it out. Kind of like the concept of brain surgery. Just put it in the can because you personally don’t get it.

Now that’s the way to design a future for all our happy little readers!”

Get your copy today! But be careful when you read it. Those recipes featured at the end of each chapter will come in handy one day!

 

Famous saying “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” found not to apply to Brexit

Brexit linguists are reacting furiously this morning to a report from the Institute for Language in Industry, which concludes the famous saying “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” has been found not to apply to Brexit.

“We deny it,” fumed Mr Figel Narage, speaking on behalf of a shrinking minority of Brits labelled ‘the people’.

“This is just part of the secret plot to sabotage the journey to the sunny uplands.

Did the institute even attempt the experiment of having a vibrant, hi-tech industry like the automotive sector after rapidly pulling prematurely out of the largest trading bloc on earth?

I bet you they didn’t. This is pioneering stuff we’re about. It’s what made Britain great!”

Questioned how he could be so certain that introducing any degree of disruption into just in time, cross border manufacturing systems wouldn’t undermine the profitability of the sector and causes massive job losses, Mr Narage responded,

“Pure speculation designed by traitors to undermine the glorious future the United Kingdom will have when people like my puppet masters can trade the whole country like a commodity such as cheese.

I wouldn’t listen to any cunning linguist if I were you. I certainly can’t stand it.”

Quite. Hardly surprising.

But the Institute was not getting off the front foot.

“We took forty seven rats and we subjected them to a diet solely based on a formula of vague reassurances and blithe statements, and long grass. Half died in minutes. The rest turned to cannibalism and right now, the last two rats are having a fight to the death. The winner will presumably exist on food parcels flown in from France and via self-cannibalism afterwards.

Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger didn’t even get a look in, didn’t even get a start for the majority of test subjects. Although of course, whoever is crowned King Rat will claim the opposite, until he’s eaten his arm off.”

So there we are. Don’t try this at home.

On a side note, the exhaustive research undertaken to write this article suggest the phrase in the title is of Japanese origin (other searches returned Chinese and Korean).

If it is of Japanese origin it’s a fitting phrase, given the polite warnings the Japanese representatives have been giving about the future of their business interests.

Now, over to Nigel Farage for a rebuttal, oh, hang on, he’s on a conference call between some of Trump’s minions and bots based in Moscow. We’ll wait.

LCD Views would offer the alternative phrase however that, “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger”, because Heath Ledger just nailed the Joker back in the day, in a way that made the heart beat stronger.

Brexit recipes, updated edition, includes new recipes for unscrambling eggs

Global Britain 2.0 publishers have chosen LCD Views (out of a competitive field of one) to make the patriotic and nourishing announcement that the updated edition of their bestselling cookbook, ‘Brexit recipes : How to eat mud in a time of plenty’ will be updated to include a dairy section.

“It’s truly exciting for anyone who takes all the eggs they have out of the fridge, while high as a kite on populism, and drops them on the floor,” GB Chief Editor, Mar Larky, told us.

We interviewed Mar in a pop up cafe by the Thames.

“It’s a great idea Mar to have a pop up cafe on the foreshore while the tide is out.”

“Isn’t it just. You don’t happen to know what time the tide comes in do you?” Mar was so excited, he almost spilt his triple espresso macchiato.

“No. But I’m sure if we just believe it’s not going to rise we’ll be fine. Tell us about the updated edition?”

“Sure thing Searchlight. Inside this updated edition is all anyone who still cooks will need to easily reverse egg related accidents.”

That’s really good timing when you consider the state of the country.

“Say you actually make an omelette and break all your eggs. Or scramble some eggs by mistake.

We all do that from time to time, when it was actually our brains we meant to scramble before watching BBC Question Time?”

I know the feeling.

“That’s not a problem anymore.”

It seems the recipes Mar has compiled for putting eggy mishaps right will involve simply building a time machine and stepping inside.

“Our new generation tardis designs mean you can build one from materials found about the home.

No one should be left staring at an empty egg container, unless of course your children need them to make a spaceship.

Although we do cover that in “After the Drumpf : Life beyond Earth”, just in case you’re interested.

Most recyclable products can be used to build a vehicle that can be launched into orbit using only the power of your imagination and some hot air. We call them Johnson Balloons.”

We did ask if there would be any legal complications arising out of using the ‘tardis’ as a name?

“Why would there be? It’s our BBC. We pay for it.

We can use John Humphrys as a utensil drawer if we want. Andrew Marr as a food processor. Andrew Neil to oversee an illegal cock fighting ring. Nick Robinson as a souffle mould. The choice is ours.”

Demand is expected to be intense for the updated edition, but only because by the time it hits the shelves all the other books will have been eaten already or used to warm homes. So I’d pre-order yours today. It’s only £200M a week. A real steal!

Brexit stocks slide after UK plc keeps issuing profit warnings

Sounds of alarm are mixing in with the screeching of high windows opening on the upper firms of futures brokerage firms today with the news that Brexit stocks have begun to slide after the company issued a series of profit warnings.

“It’s a bit of a pickle,” Brexit broker David Davis told LCD Views, “I mean, these profit warnings were top secret, we weren’t even supposed to show them to the shareholders.

I’m a little surprised they exist to be honest, I’ve been running around tell the world they didn’t, because I was so drunk at the time I was supposed to have written them, I couldn’t remember if I did or not.

I ordered every one of the fifty two people I gave a copy not to show anyone.

I’m buggered if I know how they leaked out? It’s not like we want to get people used to the idea little by little that they’re in for one god almighty shock. Definitely not the frog in the slowly boiling pot theory applied to running a country.”

It is to be hoped that stocks in whistleblowers are holding their ground, because Davis claims he will be hunting for whoever did it, once he finishes the latest round at the Commons bar.

“Don’t be silly!” He laughed back, in our face,

“Of course I won’t be looking for who leaked them.

I’m attempting to get to the end of the Brexit process without looking in the mirror.

It’s making shaving a bugger of a job though. Can you tear me off a few tabs of toilet paper? I think I’m cutting my own throat.”

LCD Views would like to reassure anyone holding Brexit stocks who maybe feeling anxious that there is nothing to worry about, these profit warnings are perfectly normal in modern Britain.

We advise you to hedge against any losses you may worry about incurring with Brexit by putting everything else you own into bitcoin and USD dollars together.

There is absolutely no concern at all that if Donald Trump is able to stack governance of the Fed across the pond with sociopathic idiots serving his simplistic understandings of global trade and diplomatic relations, and the interplay with financial markets, that this will in anyway cause a crash in the value of the dollar, once he is able to start artificially devaluing it, causing a pickle for the United Kingdom, as we pull out of the European Union to embark on a bold and triumphant global tour in a boat.

While stocks may go up and they may go down, Brexit stocks can only rise like Daedalus and Icarus. But maybe start stockpiling a little tinned food, just in case.

Salisbury Plain bypass plans to incorporate a roundabout on top of Stonehenge

Salisbury Plain, home to the famous tourist attraction Stonehenge, is once again in the news for the wrong reasons. The latest proposal for a bypass now incorporates a roundabout on top of the ancient monument.

Classic rock band Spinal Tap have already been booked to play at the opening of the new roundabout.

LCD’s Modernising Britain correspondent spoke to Progress Minister, Vic Torian-Values. “Wiltshire has fewer than its fair share of roads,” said Torian-Values. “And Stonehenge lies directly in the path of the shortest route from London to Cornwall.”

Yes, but why the interchange? “There is no satisfactory link between Swindon and Southampton,” claimed Torian-Values. “This is an important strategic pathway, and will become of paramount importance once the Isle of Wight becomes the sole point of entry into Britain post-Brexit.”

Torian-Values went on to reveal further modernisation plans for Britain, once we leave the EU in a blaze of glory. Cornwall will become one huge holiday complex. Donald Trump will be encouraged to bring his exceptionally successful golf business to any part of Scotland he chooses. Spaghetti Junction will become a rollercoaster in a new theme park, Aston Towers.

All the people too poor to invest in the Future Of Britain will be branded as traitors, and will be relocated to The North.

We quizzed Torian-Values on the location for the new roundabout. “The supports are already there,” he explained. “It just needs the tarmac.”

Think of the heritage, we persisted. Stonehenge is an important ancient monument! “It is visited by a few new-age hippie types twice a year,” Torian-Values retorted. “They will be welcome to drive the new road. If they can pay the tolls, of course.”

At this point Torian-Values left, muttering that he was “sick of bribing the f***ing jobsworth traffic wardens to turn a blind eye” to his Merc parked on double yellow lines in a bus lane.

Salvation or sacrilege? Answers on a brick thrown through the window of your local tree-hugger’s house.

“Running through wheat”, the collected letters of T May to people she admires, letter No 1

“Running through wheat”, the collected letters of T May to people she admires, letter No 1

Dear J C,

I hope I do not embarrass you, writing to you in this way, in secret?

I must confess I feel a little sheepish. Almost as if I am doing something I should not. Talking to the enemy feels so naughty, I had to check the walk-in wardrobe for a farmer.

But why shouldn’t two grown ups write to each other. I have left the question mark off the end of that sentence, because it is rhetorical.

When I conceived of the plan of writing to you I felt strong and stable, but now, faced with the reality of putting pen to paper I find I do not know which way to turn.

Do you often feel the same? Unable to decide what to do at times of crisis?

The really big decisions in life, like, how heavy a chain to wear around your neck so as to appear truly powerful?

What thickness leather trousers to wear when relaxing?

Whether or not to destroy the entire automotive manufacturing sector in your country because some excitable types in your party believe that everything will be printed out in 2D shortly, even the workers?

We do like a bit of mismanaged decline. What about you?

I won’t write much longer as I know you are building a movement. It seems very zen of you, to start something perfect that you will throw away as soon as you have finished.

But I feel I should thank you.

Thank you.

We should go hill walking together one day. I will show you things you wouldn’t believe.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. They are all moments which will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

I feel a bit funny now. Almost as if my batteries need charging.

Write back to me.

I can’t do Brexit without you.

Best regards,

Your secret admirer

(Not so secret now! Blush!)