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Gateshead gathers as the Angel of the North begins journey to Brussels

In the light of a cold dawn this morning the Angel of the North began its first journey in twenty years, and one that has the residents of Gateshead at turns anxious and at twists enraged.

The noise of the busy A1 was temporarily drowned out by the sound of the Angel groaning as cranes lowered chains around its wings, klaxons sounded to keep spectators clear and a giant, mechanised bolt cutter sliced through the metal roots of the modern megalith as if they were butter.

“They got little statues over there, don’t they? Why the hell do they need to take our Angel as a hostage? What’s wrong with giving them Big Ben?”

This was just one of the many questions asked, as early bird motorists pulled onto the hard shoulder to watch the removal of The Angel of the North.

The move is a symbolic one that Westminster has high hopes for and has been planned in secret for months.

“By offering about the only useful thing the north has produced since it mismanaged its steel and coal industries in the 1980’s,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP for North East Somerset began, from a safe distance away, in North East Somerset,

“to Brussels for the remainder of the Brexit discussions, will, I believe show just how serious we are to trade away anything of worth in the regions of the United Kingdom, in order to make me even richer and more powerful. Set potentia ex chao.”

But the move has not been greeted with unalloyed enthusiasm in Gateshead.

“We weren’t even consulted,” another motorist said, “what if Brussels don’t give it back? We voted leave to bring back control, not to give away our jewels.”

This is of course why the residents of Gateshead weren’t consulted.

“In the normal course of events this move would have been subject to lengthy public consultation,” Jacob continued, “but these aren’t normal times. And I would suggest the good people of this country should adjust themselves to the notion of wise rulers making decisions on their behalf going forward, for quite some time. It actually makes me quite emotional, on a personal level, it’s beginning to feel like the Statute of Labourers was never undone.”

But what if the Brexit negotiations fail to reach agreement? What if Brussels refuses to return the Angel?

“That will best return full sovereignty to the people of Britain,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP advised, “it’s a small price for Gateshead to pay to empower Westminster. Now if you do not mind I’m going to watch the Angel of the North fly and about time it finally did too.“

Plans to dynamite Arthur’s Seat are also underway.

Capto et popcorn.

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Police “experts” to be replaced with vigilantes with guns after 2019

The Home Office sneaked out this snippet of news under the radar. Fortunately, LCD Views always looks under the radar and has picked up the story. Essentially, post-Brexit, the responsibility for policing across the UK will be contracted out to local people bearing firearms.

Privatisation is a major theme of the right-wing thinking currently in vogue. The logic that private individuals can deliver a more efficient service than the public sector will be applied to the police. Local policing will be contracted out, to the lowest bidder. All police forces are to be disbanded the moment the UK leaves the EU. Experts predict that vigilante justice will prevail thereafter.

LCD’s Justice At What Price correspondent spoke to criminal mastermind Bobby Onthebeat.

“Local people know the tensions and flashpoints within their own community,” he said. “Local Policing For Local People is the new slogan. Better than some airy-fairy wet behind the ears Plod straight out of Cop College!”

But the guns, what about the guns?

“They are the ultimate deterrent!” claims Onthebeat, swelling with manly pride. “A dig in the ribs with an assault rifle will make the crimmos think twice about nicking jelly babies out of the pick ‘n’ mix ever again!”

They are criminals. They won’t think twice about arming themselves and starting a gun battle on the high street, we suggested.

At this point, Onthebeat suddenly remembered that he had an urgent appointment with the Police and Crime Commissioner, and scarpered.

We subsequently asked the PCC, Lord Whatwerewethinking, about white collar crime, since the Fraud Squad would no longer exist. “White collar crime is a complete myth,” claimed His Lordship. “Rich people don’t commit crimes. Why do you think the prisons are full of poor people?”

Reassured, we look forward to a time when the greater availability of guns will stop crime for good. It will be a blood red, deathly white and blue murder Brexit.

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Daily Smear Productions debut ‘Enemies of the People’ a farce to be reckoned with

LCD Views has been given the exclusive by Lord Rothermere, owner of The Daily Vomit. His portfolio has broadened with the launch of Daily Smear Musical Theatre Productions.

A West End theatre on Shaftsbury avenue is to be the venue for Smear’s first production, ‘Enemies of the People’, which is described as:

‘A reawakening of the famous, multi score musical The Producers, and just putting more Nazis in to increase the fun for everyone!’

In a closely guarded interview we sent I P Standing along to gain insight into the production, which has been described by insiders as very much heart on sleeve.

“I feel that the hit ‘Springtime for Hitler’ blends in well with current political dynamic,” said Lord Rothermere, “I can’t stop humming it…..be a smarty join the Nazi party. I do it while I try to undermine the judiciary.”

The Lord went on to reveal it reminds him of “fond memories of my grandfather looking across at Adolf with all those impressive men doing what he wanted. Actually breaking real things, can you imagine?”

He even suggested Oswald Mosley should be the UK governor! What a pick.

“I’ve spoken to my editor, Paul Dacre of the Daily Vomit,” Rothermere continued, “and he can’t stop coming up with new verses to complement the songs in the production. He said he’s so fertile with ideas that it’s getting in the way of desperately digging for dirt on Meghan Markle.”

His current favourite is, ‘Enemies of the People, throw them from the steeple!’ set to a swinging drum and bass.

“We’re going to ask Stormzy to set the score for some of the new songs. If he refuses we’ll run articles all week in the Vomit blaming him for causing the riots in 2011. Follow it up by proving he causes fruit to rot in the fields.”

Lord Rothermere is putting real effort into the costumes too, “I’m currently designing the uniforms for the show. Broad lapels with a waspish Kate Hoey waist, hem at half thigh, and of course knee length black shiny boots.

It should be a fashion winner on the catwalks of Milan!

Dacre has said that once we are ready to launch the show, he will do an eight page spread.

It will be truthful, extremely positive, a serious pre-determined and critical acclaim of the show.”

When will it open?

“Oh, that’s easy, we have it scheduled for 10pm on 20th March 2019. Quite apt, don’t you think? Get the brown shirts swinging, singing and dancing again the old fashioned musical way.”

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Old man misses trip of a lifetime after getting stuck in the 1970’s on Europe

An old man has reportedly missed the trip of a lifetime after he got stuck in the 1970’s on Europe.

“We all expected him to get stuck in an elevator to be honest,” a friend of the old man said, “he’s more at home walking up stairs slowly. It does take him some time to build up momentum.”

It’s believed the old man had been anticipating a long and fun journey aboard the ship of state, HMS 10 Downing Street, but he spent so long getting ready he missed the boat.

“He’s a bit puzzled,” the friend said, “he missed a few other boats back in the 50’s, 60’s and 1970’s and he really thought this time his ship had come in.

But when it looked like he was about to close his suitcase and get down to the port he suddenly remembered the EU is a corporate bully playground that only legislates all those minimum protections for democratic institutions, people’s rights and the environment because it’s a great cover for what they’re really doing by essentially making it easy for everyone on one continent to trade.

He had to call up a few people and organise some talking shops after the revelation. He should have kept packing his bag. He only had a pair of beige socks left to put in.”

We asked our travel analyst what he thought of the old man missing the boat?

“Some people think he can swim out and catch it still,” Pol Affairs mused, “but I don’t know if he’s a strong enough swimmer? It’s not really surprising.

You think about the time since he began preparing to catch the boat in earnest? Other people have done all the heavy lifting. The shirts. The underwear. The spare pair of canvas shoes.

He’s just wandered about talking about wanting to catch a boat. What move has he actually initiated personally?

I think he’s very good at encouraging people to go and vote for long ocean voyages, but that’s about it. A good campaigner. Endlessly walking to a port that is always a mile away.

It was the same when he played as a striker in his local league as a child.

You could stand him in front of an open goal, the goalie could be throwing up in the corner of the net because he was allowed too much pop drink before the game, and he simply would not strike the ball into the net. Over and over again.”

Apparently some people are considering commandeering a speed boat to use to take the old man out to the ship of state before it sails over the horizon, but we’ll have to wait and see if the old man is willing to move fast enough to get into it.

“It’s a shame really,” Pol Affairs added, “the crew of the ship are absolutely insane, no one is enjoying the voyage, it will be norovirus from port to port. The old man could have been useful on board washing everyone’s feet and hands. Oh and by stopping the ship plowing straight into that little island called GFA, because it’s off course and headed that way.”

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May announces Tantric Brexit in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

Theresa May has declared that the inevitable climax of Brexit is to be postponed for an indefinite period. This open-ended ‘transition period’ will, presumably, be strung out for as long as she can manage it. Westminster insiders are describing it as a Tantric Brexit.

In this scenario, the act of Brexit will, to an uncritical observer, continue unabated. However, the participants are actually working to ensure that they stay engaged for a much longer time than would normally be expected. The trick is to remain strong and stable during the entirety of the process.

LCD Views’ Inappropriate Innuendo correspondent spoke to insider Pat Mybottom. “Tantric Brexit means that the UK gets shafted for as long as possible,” she stated. “It’s more of a coming together than breaking up. We will maintain the deep and special relationship with the EU.”

What are the implications for the UK? Is this a good deal, or a bad deal?

“It’s a big deal, and that’s all that matters,” retorted Mybottom. “Tantric means Tantric. It’s a boy job and a girl job, and we are getting on the job… I mean, getting on with the job in hand. A job in the hand is worth two in the bush. Theresa May is very clear about this. Anything less would be a blow for the UK.”

We also spoke to Tantric expert Mr Sting, a much-loved popular musician. “Let me first quash rumours that I have re-recorded one of my greatest hits as ‘Can’t Stand Losing EU’,” he said. “Nor ‘Brexit In A Bottle’ or ‘Fields Of Wheat’. Although I may do so at some point in the future. Deferred gratification is very much my personal philosophy.”

But will the UK and the EU have a cigarette afterwards, or will the UK shamefully slink off home with its knickers in its handbag? Time will tell.

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Unidentifiable floating object in Thames revealed as “a” fudgeberg

The authorities in Westminster, London, are bracing themselves for a clean up job that may appear endless as another giant fudgeberg is emerging on the waters of the Thames.

“Here we go again,” a fed up London Port Authority worker told LCD, “the guys that have to go down into the sewers and clean out fatbergs, they don’t know how easy they have it! We had the mother of all fudgebergs before Christmas and now they’re saying son of fudgeberg has emerged!”

It appears the giant fudge, which has the potential to kill as readily as its mother, not only over the issue of the Irish border, is made up by a combination of the looming Brexit position speeches planned in the coming week by both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“If these politicians had to clean the giant floaters out of the Thames themselves, maybe they’d think twice before creating these bloody things? I’m supposed to be counting herons up stream at Richmond, but I’ve been drafted in and told to grab a spoon and a bucket,” the worker continued.

But how concerned should the general public be?

“Very! Don’t go near it. If you see a piece washed up on the foreshore at low tide, do not touch it. Don’t let your dog eat it. If your child accidentally ingests a piece you need to get their stomach pumped right away. Anyone who has actually digested Brexit fudge has become a drooling idiot who believes the BBC is still impartial on politics.”

But surely the experience the Port Authority has now in clearing fudgebergs should have lead to efficiencies in the clean up process by now?

“Do you want to get down here and pick up a spoon? It’s smelly work. It gets on your clothes and eats into the fabric. It’s just a nasty job.”

LCD Views would like to state how much we value and appreciate the work of the Port Authority men and women who are routinely called upon to clean up the results of the fudged thinking of leading politicians too cynical to tell the voting public exactly what they’re after.

“Oh, hang on. Apparently the meeting at Chequers last night birthed a giant Boris turd that has been flushed into the river too.

And now that McDonnell’s interview in The New European has been digested by the masses we’re expecting a bloody unicorn splashing about endangering shipping any minute. I’ve got to go.”

We will tell your children you love them. Stay strong. Our lives are in your hands and on your spoon.

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No Deal Brexit Guide : Using canned food as a weapon in self defence situations

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”

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Gettin down with the youth, tell it as it is : An exhaustive study of modern youth culture

“Well your name came of out of the hat, I P, so it’s your task. You are now the youth culture correspondent,” said the LCD Views’ Editor.

“Monumental Searchlight is on a fact finding tour to Uranus. Rosie Searchlight is hunting butterflies and Moonlight Searchlight has gone missing. So it’s your baby.”

“Well, I know a Tarquin at the rugby club. I could speak to him.”

“No! I mean youth culture from the street!” replied the Editor.

“You mean…….!”

“Yes, go to an inner city skatepark! LCD Views has to know what the kids are saying and thinking,” the Editor retorted. Get the clothes, the cap, learn the language and report back.”

I’d give anything for that butterfly story right now, I thought.

Through a friend of a friend of a friend I find Henry, the coolest skate dude in the park. We agree to meet. I park the Prius several streets away, lock it and screw in a few more wheel nuts for luck.

There’s a guy chipping away at new Banksy mural painted up on the side wall. Small crowd of art correspondents chattering to each other and to no one else.

I look around, I check the bowl. I hear grinding behind me. “Yo neat olly,” I said, trying to sound convincing. “So, wots happin’?”

“Skunking man, you that guy that called me? Mate your caps on all wrong. F*ckin no idea bro.”

“Oh, thanks bro…..” God I’m hating this right now. I’m well out of my depth, I thought. “So, wot you think of Stormzy?” I ask.

“F*ckin good man, says it as it is,” says Henry to a backbeat of artificial percussion. “Raps like a demon, speakin’ for da streets. Shit work, zero hours, high rents, fast food chain rippin’ me off cos I didn’t turn up one evening for their shit wage. F*ck man, they only gave me half hour notice.”

“I guess you didn’t go to Uni then?” I ventured.

“Mate, they said my art was bangin’, they liked the art on my skate…but then they said I had to pay to learn. F*ck that, I found a better way.”

“How so?” I ask.

“See that Banksy over there. Well that dude never leaves Bristol. But, he and I have a kinda understandin’. Know wot I mean? Dont you tell no f*cker, I have an eye on your wheels.”

“Bro, your secret is safe with me,” I assured him.

We do a complicated handshake, I’m slightly off the pace. “I never realised you were a freemason!” I said. Henry looked at me strangely and sloped off. “Can I call you again bro?” He wings his hand (thumb out, little finger out mid three folded).

“That’s a good sign…….right?” I ask. Cool….. I live for another day.

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Trump calls for teachers to be armed with anything other than books

President Donald Trump has responded swiftly and decisively to the latest mass shooting at an American school by proposing to arm teachers, with anything other than books.

“Assault rifles may not be enough,” President Trump said, “this crazy, crazy POTUS get crazier every day. I don’t know who his paymaster is, I honestly don’t. You tell me. Hi! Hi. Thanks for coming. This is the biggest crowd for any presidential response to a school massacre.”

It’s believed he will push for compulsory training in SWAT tactics for school teachers and handling of rapid fire weapons in active shooter situations.

“I think we’ll have to step it up to machine guns nests instead of desks for teachers. I honestly do. We’ve got to keep our children safe. We’ve got to do anything that will make more money for the NRA and keep our children safe.”

Proposals to hold gym classes inside armoured personnel carriers were also being considered.

“We really do have the best gun technology. Better than Obama had. Bigger than Hilary. You know I heard she only carries a .38. What a pussy. Truly terrible. Un Un Un American folks.”

A suggestion that it would be better to ban military grade weapons and arm teachers with even more books were met with scorn by the paternal POTUS.

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, don’t you know that? I know that. It’s about all I know. I’m going to ban books. All books. Just until we can work out what the hell is going on. Teachers need to arm their students against my stupidity. They really do. I’m telling you.”

We asked a 16 year old what she felt about the President’s response and that of his supporters,

“It makes me feel totally nurtured. To know that the older generations, the ones I look up to in order to feel safe and cherished, taken as a group they’d rather encourage the pseudo-religious worship of guns than do the one thing needed to make it less likely I get gunned down in math.

No other country on earth has been able to stop school massacres. The UK and Australia, sure, they pretty much stopped massacres by deciding in a wave of revulsion and care for their children to give up certain weapons, but that doesn’t stop knife attacks or terrorism, so why do the one thing you need to do to save the life of a child who you don’t know?

How selfish are they. That child may grow up to want to shoot up on the weekends to feel less inadequate.

It’s important that people who imbibed the creation myth of America with their mother’s milk get to keep having fun with guns so we can keep dying by the dozen while learning.

The 2nd amendment foresaw this situation and they went ahead and ratified it. They knew one day big truck driving American men would have to defend their homes against cruise missiles with assault grade weapons bought at department stores.

It really sends a message to all kids about our parent’s priorities.”

It’s understood Drumpf is also considered introducing an armed curfew on anyone under twenty in case they decide to march on his Washington or vote.

“It might be safer to ban attending school,” Trump mused, “make every child study at home like I did. I’m self taught. A lot of people don’t know that. Knowledge is power and believe you me that’s the one thing I don’t want the American people to have.”

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Disciplinary panel finds Ben Bradley over qualified to be a Tory MP

An independent parliamentary disciplinary panel has found Ben Bradley MP for Idiocy, over qualified to be a Tory MP.

”He should probably phone Elon Musk up and tell him straight ‘I Ben Bradley, I am a visionary and you Mr Musk, you need me’,” panel chair, Mr Common Antique said.

”If Musk is too afraid of the competition he should next call Donald Trump and say to him straight, ‘I Ben Bradley, I am a legal genius and you Mr POTUS, you need me.”

The advice has been lent added weight by the Royal Society of Marine Floaters, who added unexpectedly,

”We know about pools. We know about ponds. We know about rivers and streams and palm fronds. Ben Bradley MP is too big for this pond. He should seek fame and fortune where he can spread his wings and quack.”

The flood of unsolicited advice comes after Ben Bradley MP for Idiocy libelled alleged, infamous soviet era spy Jesus Christ (has risen and will slowly float back down again if he doesn’t stop fudgeberging Brexit) on social media.

”I’m going to fight this all the way to deselection,” Ben told LCD’s legal whiz, “I’m going to raise a local militia to defend democracy. Hang on, let me tweet that.”

Ben tweeted, deleted and then explained,

”I was just following orders anyway, why pick on me? They must think I’m disposable? I’m not come coffee cup.

Well I’m here to tell them today that I, Ben Bradley MP, I am not going away. After all, they may need to use me as a dead cat on the table some other day.”