LCD Views

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”

A report released today by the visionary group known as Economists for Brexit advises the U.K. to shoot the bird in its hand and set fire to its bush.

”It’s vitally important the bird is shot while still in the hand, to get maximum benefit from hard Brexit,” Professor Mingeford (rumoured to have purchased his degree online) said, and then shivered.

“After we have shot the bird IN OUR HAND (more shivering) we will stuff its  shattered carcass into the hole we’ve shot through our palm. It will be important to use a large calibre gun, possibly even a small canon.”

The findings are revealed today in their latest report. To write it they got even higher than usual and strapped themselves into a chair, Clockwork Orange style.

”We watched so many tapes of exploding British made munitions I almost overdosed,” Mingeford continues, “and then the music, the music, the beautiful music of starving villagers wailing. Jesus wept. You have to take a hit from this misery bong.”

As to what to do after the United Kingdom has shot the bird in its hand?

”Well, with any luck, if we aim right and no traitor judges, journalists, elected representatives or young people get in the way of the bullet, we will have also shot oursevles clean through the foot.”

This sounds fantastic!

”Then we turn our attention to the bush with two birds in it.”

What do we do then?

”Douse it in gasoline and tory, tory torch it. Stand back laughing, watching our bush burn, get on the highway and head north.”

So this will flush the birds out?

”Who cares? Who really fffing cares? We just want to watch the world burn.”

LCD Views would like to say how thrilled we are that a group known for rubbishing forecasts it doesn’t like has produced a forecast of magic thinking we can all get behind.

”Are the lambs still screaming Clarice?” Mingeford wants to know, “or do we have to get our hands on a nice new flock and get our hands wet?”

A man with his own head stuck up his backside insists everyone get behind him and push, at least that’s what we think he said.

“It was a little hard to understand what he was saying,” LCD Views’ rectal-cranial analyst advised, “his statement was muffled. But the gist of it was about making the best of the situation.”

Inquiries into how the man came to find himself in such an unusual position were answered readily by his close family.

“One day, while sitting on a Southern train that was paused for three weeks outside of Clapham Junction station, he picked up a discarded Daily Mail to pass the time,” his wife shrugged, “he read it front to back, somehow, and he was never the same again.”

It’s believed that pivotal moment led to an increasing dislike of the European Union with a vicious fury about freedom for bananas.

“I voted remain in the last vote the United Kingdom will ever take,” his wife continued, “I read and saw all the claims of the Leave chancers and anything I didn’t have the immediate knowledge to reject out of hand as bollocks, I simply googled up and found was bollocks.”

The man himself was not so lucky.

“It’s been very strange to watch and quite sad,” the man’s wife continued, “I remember before the referendum he just wanted sovereignty back, you know, to trade with the world.

That seemed a little odd, given all the non-EU goods he buys, but anyway, the sovereignty one is particularly bizarre. I don’t know how he thinks FTA’s are regulated? I’m starting to think I married an idiot.”

But now that the man has his country back things are getting serious.

“When the crown of his head disappeared up his bum I was just impressed he was still so flexible. But now I can’t understand a damn thing he says, unless he farts at the same time and things, well, open up in a gust. You can catch a few words then.”

It seems the big problem now is getting his shoulders in behind his head.

“I really don’t know how he expects anyone to get behind him and push, I mean, it’s just so icky now.

Between you and me, I’m planning on moving out and not coming back unless he manages to get his head out of his backside.

But I’m a little worried only a surgical intervention will succeed and I can’t see him signing up for that now he’s committed to this. He’s pretty stubborn. He may even be slowly suffocating.”

We asked her to let us know how they get on.

“Oh don’t worry, you can find out, he spends all day on Open Britain, pro EU Libdem and Labour pages and Britain For All ranting about remoaners needing to get behind him and push. You’ll know how he’s getting on.”

Great news for people who like traditional neurological surgery today with the announcement that Cat Hokey MP (UKIP) is to begin selling “Do-it-yourself lobotomy” kits for use in the home.

LCD Views’ Conscience correspondent went along to one of the rare surgeries held by Cat in her Allfall constituency office to learn more.

INT.          HOKEY’S SURGERY           NIGHT, ALWAYS NIGHT

A middle aged woman in a ragged coat hunches in the middle of a black tiled floor.

Burning torches flutter in the corners, driven hither and thither by an unseen wind, but the light rarely penetrates the darkness.

The woman, known as CAT (SCAT?) to mortals, holds a lit candle and is drawing a magic circle in the centre of the floor.

Another woman enters, young, go-getting reporter ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT.

ROSIE holds a silver cross in front of herself as she walks.

From the lump under her tight fitting, black leather jacket, it would be easy to believe she has a pistol on her hip. It would be easy to believe this show is on ITV.

CAT ignores ROSIE.

She waves the candle back and forth. She mutters in an ancient, unintelligible language, incanting as she draws her circle.

Rosie Searchlight

“Ms Hokey? Labour, I mean UKIP, representative for Allfall?”

CAT glances rapidly over her shoulder.

Cat

“Are you the gate keeper? Nigel has summoned the gate keeper. Are you the gate keeper? Answer me.”

Rosie Searchlight

What gate needs keeping?

Cat

“Nigel, my master, he is the key master. He must have the gate or he can not de-stablise the peace.”

Rosie Searchlight

“I’m here to learn about your do-it-yourself lobotomy kits? We’re featuring them in the afternoon edition of LCD Views? Home Medicine. It’s a new weekly feature.”

CAT begins to levitate above the tiles. She flies at ROSIE, but recoils from the cross.

Cat

“Hiss! Hiss! Take a lobotomy pack and get out! Go home child of man and carve out your temples.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT advances towards CAT. She holds the cross in front of her. Her other hand on the lump on her hip.

Rosie Searchlight

“Not until you tell me the recommended retail price for the lobotomy kits.”

ROSIE crosses through the circle on the floor.

She continues towards CAT who is desperately trying not to singe her hair on a torch in the corner.

Cat

“Back away! I’ve just had my hair done to go boating with the dark lord Furherage!”

ROSIE is undaunted. She steps in closer.

She doesn’t see that behind her, out of the circle she has just left, a dark shadow is gathering with a pint in its hand and a cigarette in its mouth. The shadow has wings and they are spreading.

END SCENE

LCD Views can report that a long running study into the correlation between Brexit and liberal attitudes has concluded the only thing Brexiters are liberal with is the truth.

“We’ve copped a lot of flack for using sparse public resources on this study,” Professor Dingleberry, lead researcher said, “but until we completed our study it was just a hypothesis. Now it’s a theory, in the scientific meaning of the word.”

The study, which began in early 2016 (about the time David Cameron started daydreaming while watching repeats of “Minder”, imagining what kind of shed he would like to spend his time in) concluded today after the third ‘Road to Ruin’ speech by a minister from May’s government.

(It should be noted that the writing of this report paused for over ten minutes to allow the reporter to stop laughing at the phrase ‘May’s government’)

“David Davis provided the final spec of evidence required to finish our study,” Professor Dingleberry continued, “when he said that Brexit won’t change the nature of the United Kingdom, boy, there wasn’t a dry seat in our laboratory. Everyone just pissed themselves laughing.”

It seems, although searching exhaustively, the researchers were not able to identify a single moment when a Brexit proponent, MP or voter, actually told something truthful.

“They are very liberal in a sense,” the professor goes on,

“but only in the sense that they lie their asses off constantly.

Their plans for post Brexit Britain, best as we can understand them right now in the split second after the pin has been pulled from the grenade, best equate to drowning in a torrent of lies so thick and sludgy only the infirm or insane will stay on this island nation.”

The professor did offer some hope though for people wanting the hard right coup of our democracy to fall on its arse sometime this year.

“They aren’t even correct in saying the United Kingdom is leaving the European Union,” he adds, “it’s highly probable that over the coming months, as more and more people understand the road to Brexit is a road to ruin, public opinion will force a rethink.”

LCD Views encourages people to take up the results of the study. Recognise that allowing parliament to tear up so many rights won by citizens over so many years of struggle, is the least liberal path open to the United Kingdom possible.