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Once you’ve made your brexit bed you can only lie in it

“pssst, pssst Liam over here…………”

“What is it Boris, i’ve got to catch another flight to sign a fictitious trade deal with Narnia. So i don’t have much time. You know how big T wants daily trade deal success reports and things have been a bit thin on the ground of late”

“Look, look ! Look what i have bought. I saw one in Farage’s gaff and i said at the time……oh, how… i want one of those.”

“What is it Boris?”

“It’s a Brexit bed, Liam.”

“Well that’s what the picture on the front of the box shows and now all we have to do is put it together….you and me. You said you could sign a trade deal in two weeks and being a doctor, you will have the qualifications to be able to have this made up in a jiffy.”

“Where did you get it from Boris?”

“From Idea out on the outskirts of the EU. They have loadsa stuff when you walk around their massive shop. Except this one seems to have arrived in a big cardboard box.”

“Are their any instructions Boris?”

“Pah!….we don’t need instructions Liam. Look, we have the picture on the front, how hard can it be? Ah, here comes Jacob he can give us hand”

“What oh…..what are you up to Johson minor and friend? You do know the big T can give you a detention for fraternising in groups of two or more. Big T has become a bit paranoid of late, with thoughts of fellow Westminster MPs hatching ideas of a coup.”

“Jacob, we have the magic Brexit bed and we need a hand to put it together, perhaps if you read the instructions, as you are such a stickler for checking Hansard.”

“Oh i don’t do instructions dear boy, I have a man to do that. But I am intrigued with the Brexit bed. It looks big enough for all of us to lie in it. Boris what are you doing?”

“Quick, quick, here comes Anna Soubry and Dominic Grieve. Everyone quick, stand in front of it. I don’t want her and Dominic to get sight of our special prize.”

Hello boys, what do you have there?

“Nothing that you would understand Anna,” said Jacob, “this is male talk.”

“Dominic, that looks like the Brexit bed that Barnier was talking about. Remember, he said that there was a manufacturing problem and that Brussels could not give it a CE mark as it was inherently faulty. Something about when you lie in it, you can’t stop yourself from lying.”

“I am already drafting an amendment to make Boris stay in this bed forever,” reassured Dominic.

“Oh, Boris…..you have to go and buy one of them, didn’t you? As I recall, Farage had one and he passed it on to Donald Trump as a presidential inauguration present.”

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Daily Mail fury as ice-sharknadoes threaten to end British civilisation before the EU does

The Daily Mail expressed its fury at the forecast of British civilisation ending ice-sharknadoes this weekend, as it wanted to blame the EU for it.

Paul Dacre was reported locked in an editorial meeting with Satan and several other sub-editors including Vlad the Inhaler and Gary Bar-low, as they attempted to compose a headline to so malign the ice-sharknadoes as to render them impotent and give Junker the time he needs.

“It’s not looking good for Paul,” an insider told LCD Views, “he’s broken every stick of furnishing in his office and now he’s rampaging about the floor setting fire to things at random.”

It’s feared that if they can’t come up with a powerful enough idiotic headline to stop the ice-sharknadoes from tearing the country to shreds, then Dacre’s lifelong mission to stoke up sufficient hatred and division to tear the country apart, and blame it on the EU, will have failed.

“You’ve really got to feel for him,” the insider said, “the years, think of all the years he’s dedicated to vilification, denigration, mistruths about immigrants and Europe and now to have a freak weather event snatch victory from his hands when he’s so close?”

It’s believed the suspicion that climate change maybe a driving force behind the swirling shark winds and razor sharp ice particles, which can tear down buildings in minutes and strip the flesh from a true British potatriot’s bones in seconds, is only adding to poor Paul’s upset.

“If only the treasonous ice-sharknadoes had waited to invade our country in the winter of 2019/2020 it would have been okay,” the insider added, “the economic chaos of Brexit may well have been harnessed to trigger civil war and Dacre could have watched the country torn to pieces feeling really warm inside.”

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The Irish Border paradox sees popcorn sales skyrocket as remainers settle in to watch Brexit unravel

Popcorn corns have been a popping overtime in the popcorn production facilities.

Finally the time has come to find out the details of what is meant by a seamless border, the boundary of no boundaries.

Politicians have taken to trawling epic tomes of Quantum Mechanics literature to ascertain the true nature of Schrödinger’s border; a simultaneously entangled superposition of no a border and no border.

Zen masters, who hold the secrets of one hand clapping and unseen trees falling have been asked to solve the ultimate koan riddle, how many checkpoints makes a seamless border?

The answer to the great unanswered of how to peel away Northern Ireland from the South, leaving one in Europe the other in the U.K., without a border.

The great logician Boris Johnson managed to hint at a solution, with just cameras, something akin to the London congestion charge scheme.

But hopes were dashed when the word “border” dropped out of those hapless lips towards the end of his meditation.

With the religious extremist DUP propping up May’s government vehemently opposed to Northern Ireland having any status other than that of the brexited U.K. and Sinn Fein remembering the troubles again at the thought of a split Ireland the situation appears entirely intractable.

So here we are, at the stage in Brexit negotiations, where it’s time for politicians to stop with the empty PR speak and nail the solution down in precision legalese.

Embittered and disenfranchised ‘remoaners’ across the country have stocked up on the poppy stuff in anticipation of the rush of schadenfreude from watching the whole edifice collapse like the 1937 Hindenburg zeppelin disaster, engulfing is all in one great conflagration.

It won’t be pretty, but hey when you’re handcuffed to a bus careering off a cliff, you may as well enjoy the ride.

*grabs first handful of popcorn* 🍿

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Ex-Russian WWF wrestler sues met office for copyright dispute over name Beast from the East

A legal firm acting on behalf of the Met Office has confirmed today that they have received a writ detailing a court action against them, regarding their use of the term “Beast from the East”.

It is claimed that this was the alias used by a retired WWWF wrestler whose glittering, sweaty career spanned 40 years. The ex-wrestler is said to want,

“a share of all associated advertising revenue streams and royalties from anyone using the term.”

The Russian retiree, now living in Romford, notably won a string of tub-thumping bouts during the Autumn of 1983. He was briefly crowned champion when he took the title from The Crazy Cowboy, a showdown that carried considerable political symbolism during the Cold War years.

This isn’t the first time the Met office’s use of frivolous and patronising names for dangerous weather systems has got them mired in controversy.

They were also subject to legal action when they were forced to subtly change the name of a North African tropical weather system to “the Grumble from the Jungle” during a particularly oppressive heat wave in the notorious summer of 2003.

In other news, Vladimir Putin has commented on the case saying the term is a disgraceful example of cultural appropriation and Russophobic in nature.

He is said to have told British envoys to expect hordes of ruthless barbarian warriors riding upon the wind, to descend upon London and besiege the gates of the Met office building.

More on this breaking storm of controversy as it happens.

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Liam Fox found crumbled in defeat after losing fight with packet of crisps

Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox, has been found in a central London alleyway crumbled in defeat after losing a fight with a packet of crisps.

LCD sent our roaming reporter, Gary Lineker, down to the scene to find out as much as possible and to make up the rest.

“Even as I stand in the freshly fallen snow of central London near Leicester Square, I can see a scene before me that fills the mind with a mixture of bafflement and wonder.

Liam Fox, somehow an MP still, after resigning in disgrace from the position of Secretary of State for Hiding Friends Behind Curtains (aka Defence), is being shifted onto a stretcher.

The crisps he fought for his country are believed to have been a packet of Walkers, maybe Salt and Vinegar, perhaps Bugle cones, witnesses are being sought.

But from what I have gathered from speaking to people who claimed to have seen the drama occur, I can say little Liam gave the regular-tory less than 110%,

EXT    LONDON ALLEYWAY   DAWN

A shifty looking, short man with a briefcase stands at the entrance to a dark alleyway. This is Liam Fox.

A curtain hangs on the wall to his side. Movement behind it tells us someone is hiding behind.

The sun breaks over the building behind Liam and throws light through his steamy breath.

Liam Fox

“Wait for my signal. If he tries anything you run at him waving your arms and screaming.”

CLOSE ON

The curtain. A hand comes out of the side to give the thumbs up.

PULL BACK

Liam advances into the alley, the golden light of dawn running ahead of his steps.

He stops.

We hear rustling sounds. Crunching noises. A giant is stepping through the alley snow.

CLOSE ON

Liam’s face. The face of fury.

CLOSER STILL

His eyes. Just voids.

PULL BACK

Liam Fox

“I’ve got what you asked for.”

Silence, except for the sound of a giant bag of crisps rustling itself up.

Liam Fox

“Have you got the cash?”

No reply still.

Liam clutches his briefcase to his chest. He looks uncertain.

He begins to back pedal. Fear spreads across his face like butter on a bread roll in business class.

Liam Fox

“Adam!”

He starts to walk backwards faster.

Liam Fox

“Adam!”

CLOSE ON

The curtain.

See the furtive figure (we don’t see his face) dash out from behind and leg it out of the alleyway, and gone.

Liam Fox holds the briefcase over his head.

The crunching of the crisp giant grows louder and louder.

Liam’s shaking arms raise his briefcase over his head, even as he falls to his knees in the snow.

Liam Fox

“I am Liam Fox. Secretary of State for International Trade and you will give me a free trade deal.”

A shadow looms over Liam and a giant crisp packet begins to laugh menacingly.

END SCENE

 

 

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Monarch tells son there is no way I’m starting with Churchill and ending with May, you have to hang on

LCD Views’ only royal correspondent advises that Queen Elizabeth II has reportedly told her son, “There is no way I’m starting with Churchill and ending with May, you have to hang on a bit longer.”

It’s believed the remark was made while watching the corgis play in the snow covering the lawn of Windsor Castle this morning.

“Charles wasn’t impressed,” Green Searchlight reports, “he wants to start with May and end with a figure like Churchill, as he believes the king beyond the water, in prime ministerial terms, must be starting his journey to the United Kingdom.”

This appears to be based on what a prime ministerial shower the country has laboured under for many years.

“Let’s be fair, Blair was a new dawn for most but the old commies and Torykippers, and he did help complete the peace process in Northern Ireland and he did stop a brutal civil war in Sierra Leone, so till then it was a ok.

But then a former coke addict who fancies himself a cowboy threw Tony a bomber jacket, at a moment of crisis, and it’s been all downhill since.

Any leader who thinks God is working through him is bound to be almost as bad as one who thinks he is God.”

So Queen Elizabeth II isn’t going anywhere soon?

“Not if she can help it. She’s hoping to use the royal veto anyway to veto the EU Withdrawal Bill, while wearing her EU flag hat, just to see the look on Jacob Rees-mogg’s face. So she’s more than one good reason to hang on.”

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La La Land population census reveals boom in population

LCD Views has received a leaked summary of the recent census of La La Land and it reveals a boom in population that runs contrary to many recent population trends in industrialised countries.

”The big counter trend is that the population boom is a result of mental procreation,” our demographics specialist says,

“people aren’t moving to live in La La Land seeking new opportunities and bringing La La culture, but the resident population is doing this themselves by establishing a parallel universe next to people who refuse to move in with them.

In fact, it’s likely the population boom may discourage inward flows of migration.”

While anyone living in La La Land finds it a perfectly suitable place to live, academics who are not from the university of life are raising concerns.

”The government of La La Land has no bloody idea what it’s doing and while they may appear smug and self assured, they’re storing up massive problems for non la la land.”

One of the other issues relate to people who actually use Google to find facts.

”This is a serious and troubling concern for the minority of reason based inhabitants. It can lead to awareness of a looming loss of rights and growing economic calamity.

Especially as La La Land is not a country based on geography, but a bug eyed, swivelled headed idiocy that finds rabble rousing bigoted chancers presenting inherently racist agendas as perfectly acceptable, if it plays into their mortal fears represented as a sense of nostalgia the inhabitants of La La Land can’t be bothered to identify and combat with honest introspection.”

But what do you do if you find yourself surrounded by La La Land when you want to live elsewhere?

”You can leave. Many choose to. Or you can continue making the argument that living in La La Land is foolish and irresponsible.

Curiously, many La La Lands are actually democracies, so you can continue to make counter arguments even after idiotic decisions have been taken by governments, and if you can convince enough people to leave La La Land then you will succeed.”

But what if you don’t succeed?

“Then you’ll find yourself living in an Idiocracy and that’s never good. Except for people happy in La La Land as ignorance is apparently bliss.”

 

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Downing Street vet advises Boris Johnson politically culled after diagnosis of terminal foot-in-mouth disease

The Foreign Secretary has been diagnosed with polydismorphia, a disease causing confusion of body parts. This comes after Boris put his foot into his mouth in spectacular fashion during an interview on Radio 4.

There is no known cure for this disease. It is highly contagious, and can spread rapidly. The only practical solution is to cull victims and burn their bodies.

LCD’s Improbable Ailments correspondent spoke to polydismorphia specialist Dr Willie Tappen.

“This condition is endemic among the political classes,” explained Dr Tappen. “It can flare up at any time. Sometimes attacks can be confined and controlled. In Mr Johnson’s case, though, drastic action is necessary.”

Dr Tappen brought forth further examples of polydismorphia. They include having two left feet, being all fingers and thumbs, and not knowing your arse from your elbow.

“Some of these variants are mild and treatable,” the good doctor continued. “For example, Ed Balls was given a strong course of Strictly.”

Boris, though, is another matter. “Left untreated, his affliction could infect the whole country,” warned Dr Tappen. “Even the wider world is at risk. Diseases respect no borders, however hard.”

So we arrive at the border. Boris proposed to solve the Irish border problem, essentially, by applying a congestion charge. He then tried to eat his words; unfortunately his foot was in the way.

The solution is a cull. Anyone who may have been poisoned by Boris’s rhetoric will be included. The cabinet, the mentally challenged, and anyone who has ever been on a big red bus will be sacrificed to prevent the spread of infection.

LCD Views would like to reassure their readership during this crisis. There is a simple preventative remedy available. Whenever a sufferer speaks or writes, simply take a large pinch of salt.

It has been confirmed that the cull will still continue. No need to take unnecessary risks, after all.

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There’s no hard border between Boris Johnson’s backside and his brain

Boris Johnson has confirmed today that there’s no hard border between his backside and his brain, during comments in an interview that even a BBC journalist found hard to swallow, and some would say they’re pretty adept at eating whatever bs senior Brexiters dish up these days.

“There’s no border between my balls, my bowels, my brain and my mouth,” the Foreign Secretary, who is the United Kingdom’s international face, said,

“but when I was just a cheeky posh chappie on a comedy panel show I invisibly took millions of people for fools who thought I was a bit of a lovable rogue, but posh, so I must be smart, and I converted that at the ballot box,” Johnson told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme.

“There are all sorts of arrangements to stop the crap in people’s intestines from getting into their minds and out of their mouths, but I think it would ruin my special appeal if I took any steps to stop talking horseshit on the hoof.”

But Boris’ next comments, wherein he compared the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland raised a few eyebrows, when he compared them to the invisible dividing lines between London boroughs.

“The decades long civil war in London, wherein arms smuggling and attacks happened all along the hard border between Camden and Islington was stopped when I brought in the congestion charge,” Mr Johnson opined, “it will be this easy to tear Northern Ireland out of the customs union and single market and ensure there is no return to paramilitary activity in Ireland.

And if there is, and a few customs officers are shot or blown up, do I really look like a man who could care less?”

No Mr Johnson, Secretary of State for Exiting Reality, you do not look like a man who cares, but the rest of us damn well should, firstly about how you stay in your post?

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Poverty is wealth, newly created Secretary of State for Abundance to say

Jacob Rees-mogg MP is to tell an increasingly hungry nation today that, “Poverty is wealth” in his first major intervention as the newly created Secretary of State for Abundance.

”Home is where the heart is,” he is also expected to say, to allay concerns over the little pandemic of homelessness,

“people who are not prepared to open their doors and larders to those who have made a conscious decision to be less fortunate are not best positioned to harangue an overstretched public purse with pleas to assist the vocationally roofless.”

The speech will hopefully provide a welcome distraction from a government which is so busy accepting plaudits for its work over the last several years, that it’s having trouble communicating its deeply thought out policy agenda.

”U turn is straight ahead,” Jacob will continue from the steps of his modest one hundred room mansion, “1984 is 2018, but 2019 will still be 1984. Tax break is incentive. Rising cost of living is investment in your future.”

Other pearls are anticipated to be on display in a showcase of antique jewellery set beside the average working man.

A man who risen through his own hard work, while overcoming the numerous deprivations of his birth. Proving accident of birth is no barrier to advancement.

”Ladder is ceiling. Discord is unity. Famine is a meal for the spirit, and if you are wealthy with famine you have all the sustenance you need.”

He will also add that debt is equity and horses are for courses.

Enquiries as to what policy agenda he will set for his new ministry were met with an encouraging to do list.

”Once Jacob has freed the United Kingdom from the overweening shackles of the tyranny of parliamentary democracies across the Channel he will set to work on, Serfdom is freedom, to revise the labour market with fresh thinking.”

And finally, he will finish his debut speech today by reminding the country that “War is peace.”