LCD Views

Prime Minister Theresa May is due to publish her gamblers’ guide any day now. She explains how to bluff your way to victory despite holding the two of diamonds and the seven of clubs.

This comes on the back of another great Brexit speech, in which she sets out her vision for Brexit as only a blind woman can.

LCD’’s Dubious Gambling Strategies correspondent took a cursory look through the book.

“It’s quite an unusual book, in many respects,” he said, in mystified tones. “For example, Chapter One, Call My Bluff, commences with a paragraph on basic bluffing. There follows a number of blank pages, presumably for David Davis to doodle on. It concludes with the words, ‘Repeat as necessary’.”

The book continues in similar vein, with an alarming lack of detail, and a determination to reinvent the rules of poker along the way. Of particular interest is the appendix, titled “Emergency Procedures”. This has red, white and blue-edged pages for ease of reference, and each page contains one of Theresa’s catchphrases.

Poker expert Tex Oldham was equally scathing. “Poker is a game of thrust and counter-thrust,” he stated. “Yes, there is an element of bluff, but a good player knows when he has had his chips and folds early on.”

Poker-faced May is playing for ever-increasing stakes. £1bn for the DUP? Done. The NHS? No problem. More crayons for David Davis? You bet. Has the Lady gone Gaga?

“She’s a busted flush,” opines Tex. “May is the gambler waiting in vain for that one big win to clear her debts. Who does she think she is, the queen of hearts? Off with her head!”

May is certainly determined to play her cards close to her chest. Does she have an ace up her sleeve? Or is it just a joker? Boris, the BoJoker, maybe?

Stick or twist? Like the knife in her back, it’s twist every time.

“One dose of Brexlax will allow you to take back control of your bowels and your borders,” Michael Gove claimed, as he fronted the ad campaign for Brelax Brexit laxatives, but now a shitstorm is brewing.

“It appears there was virtually no testing in either clinical trials or on monkeys,” LCD Views’ bathroom attendant said, “they just cooked up the recipe in Michael’s kitchen and made millions of batches. These were distributed by bus, and free with tabloids, all over the United Kingdom.”

But now it appears the government has had to step in and order an immediate recall of the claims accompanying Brexlax.

“People are reporting atrocious side affects,” our bathroom attendant continued, “one of my colleagues at Conservative central office said most ministers visiting spend the entire time in the WC groaning and more often than not praying for deliverance.”

It’s not known exactly what in the recipe is causing the liquid calamity in people using Brexlax, but it’s likely to be all the bullshit that went into the tablets.

“They’re about 99% bullshit actually,” our attendant added, “the other 1% is just pure racist spite. I wouldn’t take a Brexlax even if I were in danger of dying the death of Elvis.”

We did approach Michael Gove for comment on the viral furore, and he issued the following statement,

“This is proof of Brexlax’s effectiveness,” Mr Gove responded, “people are supposed to spend time on the toilet after taking my pills. It’s the signature touch of my involvement.”

But what should you do if you have some Brexlax in the home, or if a family member has some and is considering ingesting it?

“Burn them,” our toilet attendant said, “whatever you do do not let a reader of The Express take one. They’ve got it bad enough verbally as it is.”

LCD Views applauds the swift measures taken by Michael Gove to reassure the public over Brexlax.

We further advise that this laxative product is entirely unnecessary, because if you’re not already shitting yourself over Brexit, you soon will be.

“Just take one Brexlax a day and relax,” added Michael Gove, but he would, wouldn’t he.

LCD Views’ political games correspondent is thrilled to have been selected to announce Fudge-it Spinners have been chosen as official toy for Brexit.

“When David Davis cornered me in the Fudge ‘n Fiddle pub this morning I was initially concerned.

I could barely breathe in the mixture of whiskey fumes, testosterone and bs wafting off him in clouds,” Green Searchlight said,

“but once I realised that if I just didn’t breathe I could survive, things improved and I interpreted what he was saying.”

Apparently the decision to gift the announcement to LCD Views was made last minute, but that is standard for government policy in first the May administration, and now the Cummings’ government, and does not detract from the honour.

”Schools across Britain will be forced to distribute the fudge-it spinners to all children and lessons will be given in the main tricks. Diversion. Evasion. Outright lying. Retracting outright lies on twitter.

And finally, managing expectations of a country you intend to impoverish, partly to make Russian oligarch money laundering easier, partly for the imperial ambitions of US libertarians, but also to keep racists feeling less challenged by the way the world is changing with Brexit.”

Green managed to get the few legible words Davis said down in print and they are reproduced here, paraphrased, so as to be understandable.

”It’s to get the younger demographics signed up to Brexit. The fudge-it spinners are another tangible benefit and more than make up for a future devoid of freedom to move around an entire continent at all.

Also, they are more than sufficient to soothe any hurt feelings over not being able to take advantage of the various youth programmes the EU wastes money on in the hope of fostering a sense of ‘let’s not have another world war start in Europe’.”

Mr Davis had to go after he delivered the message. Apparently to steal a snowplow  and drive it into the pumps of a petrol station in Stevenage.

We asked six year old Emma Barnet what she thought of getting a free fudge-it spinner from the government.

”That seals it,” Emma said, “at the next general election I’m voting Conservative. Unless Labour respond with the offer of a slightly less crap Brexit, that still ensures my future options are pants.”

Episode 1: The Fellowship of the Wrong

The story begins in a hole. A big, deep, dark hole. And in the hole dwelt a bad Habbit named Nigel Faragollum. His mind was completely enslaved by his Magic Wrong.

The Wrong did not belong to Faragollum. It was the property of the dark lord Sauwrong, but it had been lost for years. Many believed that it would lie buried forever.

However the Wrong was found and taken underground by Faragollum. It was discovered in bizarre fashion by another Habbit, presented to the civilised Shires, and made respectable.

In time, though, minds became poisoned. Faragollum emerged to recover the Wrong. Sauwrong sent his chief lieutenant, the deadly Witch-King Dacre, to retrieve it.

Willbo, of the People of the Shires, was entrusted with the Wrong. He set off, pursued by the phantoms of xenophobia and sovereignty, to get beyond the Mounting Mistakes.

Accompanied by a motley band of wizards, dwarves and other mythical figures, Willbo managed to pass through the Mounting Mistakes. Unfortunately, he lost his most ardent supporter, who fell into a chasm of his own making.

Willbo was also pursued by trolls, unintelligent troglodytes parroting inane slogans. Unexpected relief came when the Lady Theresa and her ineffective husband gave the Wrong a break. Willbo emerged refreshed, and the Lady distributed gifts worth £10bn.

He then had to take the Wrong up the river without a paddle.

Faragollum followed Willbo wherever he went, desperately trying to recover his precious Wrong, but without success.

Eventually, and at his wits’ end, Willbo decided to do the right thing. He abandoned his illusory friends, and set off to destroy the Great Wrong with which he had been entrusted.

We remember the words of the prophet Camewrong echoing down the ages:

One vote to rule them all, one vote to bind them

One vote to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the land of Westminster where the ministers lie.

Episode Two: The Two Powers to follow…