LCD Views

Great news today from the world of financial hygiene with the discovery that Brexit instantly dissolves money and jobs on contact.

“It’s important to get the nature of Brexit nailed down in the lab before we start live field tests,” chief scientist Professor David Davis told LCD Views, “if we release a serum like this into the population, claiming it is a cure all for whatever you suffer from, we need to know what it will do to people and the wider environment.”

The care being taken to test Brexit fully before it is used will reassure many, especially some quisling critics who seem determined to undermine the release of this exciting new way to clean out jobs and money, which are just crowding out all the sense of fun and peril in the UK.

“Don’t listen to the doubters,” Professor Davis advises, “when has Britain ever failed at anything ever in recent years? We’re not about to start now.

We’ve already solved homelessness with a serum that makes it more popular to be suspicious than to enquire.

We’ve dealt with aspirations about home ownership by opening up the bedrooms of parents to people who had already moved out of home, they can just move back in and have a roof over their head. All they have to do then is wait to inherit whatever is left of their parent’s estate after care costs.

It’s clear the water utility shareholders have thrived since privatisation. Just look at all the wonderful wellsprings about the country today?

Why should Brexit be any different?”

Brexit is expected to be on the shelves shortly. If you’re feeling overwhelmed at work and don’t like your boss, if you’re worried about your mortgage repayments with rising costs of living in general?

“Don’t worry,” Professor Davis says, “Brexit will wash any employment and financial concerns you have right away! Instantly and on contact.”

 

The EU was instantly on the back foot after Donald Tusk’s desperate release of their unrealistic and bullying trade negotiation guidelines today as a video emerged of innocent BMW’s being drowned in a prosecco lake.

LCD Views received the video tape from a secret sauce that maybe tomato, but is more likely sweet and sour.

We will be uploading the damning video on all our platforms, just as soon as we have finished bidding for a third hand Betamax on EBay, and sourced a power cable for it.

”I can describe the heart rending scenes, if you’re sitting down?” Green Searchlight offered,

“make sure you have a glass of water or a gallon of vodka handy though. It’s one of the most edifying things I’ve ever seen. It broke our old state of the art Betamax player. I only managed to get the tape out before it burst into flames. So hot is the evidence that the EU is bluffing. That everything they’ve said is just an opening gambit. That a jobs first Brexit is the least we can expect.”

We’re ready.

”Okay. Most of it is filmed in infrared so it’s actually green,” Green begins, “you can see them leading a line of freshly painted BMW’s, just off the production line, down towards this shimmering lake.

It’s moonlight.

By the size of the moon I reckon this act to hide surplus luxury cars, that were once destined for the UK market, happened under the recent super moon.”

Green paused for a while, just to feel smug about Saint George, before continuing.

”One by one the BMW’s are pushed, pulled and dragged into the prosecco. It’s clearly a desperate attempt by the unelected, tyrannical, deluded plutoautomotocrats that run the megasuperstate EU, to hide the evidence of just how much the EU needs the UK.

If this video gets out on social media the EU is finished in the Brexit negotiations.

They will be forced to bend over and give us everything we demand.

Bespoke cherrycake and pie in sky mix on the table, no rules to follow, no money to pay. They’re over.

The farce of the last two years, during which they have repeatedly said the same stock thing each time one of our diversity loving, open handed, pluralistic public servants made a reasonable offer to help them out after we leave will be laid bare for all to see.”

Green stopped. He could smell the British victory that is now so near to hand.

LCD Views would like to thank the noble British heroes who got this damning EVIDENCE that the Brexiters are right into our hands.

Just wait until you see it.

The EU’s farcical red lines are dust.

England will surely win the battle of Britain now.

We will have our cakes and we will keep them, at least until they go mouldy and we realise we should have eaten them.

Who are you going to sell your cars to now EU? Who is going to drink that prosecco? Who is going to cut up the brie? If you’re lucky, in time, we’ll give you a jar of our jam.

There is to be an exciting response for the UK’s carmakers persistently bugging government for clarity on trading conditions post Brexit, with the announcement a front bench minister is being selected to call them traitors.

”This builds on existing Brexit policy,” A Turd 3rd, MP for Why-on-wie, junior minister at DExEU, told LCD Views when he dropped by the office to smash up some of our treasonous computers.

”We feel that by calling anyone quibbling over the bold and exciting future which Global Britain has embarked on traitors, we can better persuade others not to point out the glaring flaws and contradictions in our governance.”

It’s thought the robust response, when delivered with a coordinated editorial attack in The Express, The Daily Mail, The Sun and the now batshit crazy Telegraph, will do more than convince the diverse and international owners of the U.K. automotive manufacturing sector to invest billions into Global Britain.

”What’s the point of quibbling over conditions when you know the conditions will be cake?” Turd 3rd asked, “and the low hanging cherry fruit is ripe all the time in Global Britain. Pour your money in. We really do need you to.”

Its believed after the automotive sector has the “treason cut from its flabby flesh by the surgical precision of a Boris Johnson word salad”, the government will move democratically onwards into dropping facscist styled turd mortars onto the next quisling.

”The aerospace sector wants to watch out too,” Turd 3rd warned, “I heard that jumped up somebody yesterday, nattering away about just in time manufacturing, precision, the competitiveness throttling cost of warehousing spares.

Don’t think we don’t know they’re a nest of bloody fifth columnists also.”

LCD Views commends the government for the swift and truthful way it is dealing with the many unnecessary roadblocks being erected on the firm and trembling tarmac of Brexit by the bully boys in Brussels.

We encourage all big international investors and employers to pay the price for Brexit, regardless what their shareholders and employees may say, as we’re all Brexiters now, and furthermore, we’re all in it now. You don’t need certainty when you have faith. Thank you.

Britain’s mouldy cheese wheel, Iain Duncan Smith, has rolled himself out of the fridge and proposed a solution to the Irish Border problem, which until now, had seemed unresolvable.

“A seamless Irish border solution is readily available,” Irritable Duncan Syndrome droned, “people just have to show a little imagination and patriotism and get behind the country.”

But what is the solution Iain? Is it a construction of a physical manifestation of universal credit on the Irish Border?

“That sort of talk will get you into trouble. Traitor,” Irrational Debt Spend retorted, “you just have to look no further than the solution adopted by our good friends and neighbours on the Korean Peninsula.”

You do know they’re still technically at war, don’t you Iain?

“Getting lost in soundbites won’t help anyone,” Imagine Doing Something hit back, “The border between North and South Korea is a seamless border that utilities tried and test technology that has been in use for decades now.”

So you’re saying two armies facing off with thousands of artillery pieces ready to fire at a moment’s notice, and a massive aerial bombardment from the United States also constantly ready to fall from the sky?

“Oh, I don’t know if we need to involve the United States,” I Doom Spectre replied, “well, not at least until it’s time to start arms smuggling again.”

Thanks IDS, we don’t know what we’ll do if you ever get locked out of the BBC radio studios.

“Probably shout less at the radio while making your eggs in the morning.”

Wow. He actually said something provable and true.