LCD Views

Theresa May was in fighting form today after the last breakthrough round of poker against the EU in the Brexit negotiations.

”I and my party maybe gambling the shirts off everyone’s backs and losing them in poker with the EU, due to only havig a pair of twos versus their full house, she began, chest pumped like her heels outside Downing Street,

“But we promise you we will make a success of Brexit solitaire, just as soon as it is certain no one from Europe wants to play with us anymore.”

But critics have leapt at the Prime Minister for the telling qualification.

”Forget the European Union, they’re a failing superstate, they’ll be gone in ten years. I’m damn sure the USA will want to play defence budget snap or farm animals or dangerous chemicals with us after Brexit,” A Disaster-capitalist MP said,

“and with the amount of dosh I’ve ‘invested’ in tax havens I’m going to hold the PM’s feet to the fire to make sure they get the chance. Especially if it’s NHS Baker’s Dozen GP surgeries in the offing.”

But not all MPs were so forward looking, some still believe that one more round of poker with the EU will see the U.K. triumph.

”Theresa May hasn’t laid a single of our cards out on the table yet,” E Jit MP said, “she’s holding all back in reserve and luring the EU deeper and deeper in before she makes her power play.

She’s got a perfect poker face. She’s only conceding everything each round and rubbing out all her red lines so they get over confident.

We’re all in this game whether we like it or not now. And so what if we lose the shirts off our backs? As parliamentarians the taxpayer will foot the bill for new ones! It’s a hoot!”

The ante keeps rising. It’s a good thing the leaders of both parties have the requisite devil may care, let’s gamble the lot on a bluff attitude to the game.

Leading Brexiters have given interviews to quell concerns over the breaking of promises made to fishing communities during and after the EUref campaign.

”I have to confess it was always the intention to catch and release the fishing folk’s vote,” Jacob Rees-mogg admitted from the deck of the luxury yacht he keeps moored in his moat, “I hope the explanation that you’ve all been duped based on not knowing the basic facts helps?”

”It was blindingly clever,” Nigel Farage said, while waiting to meet a Russian woman on a park bench, “if you know people won’t bother fact-checking emotive assurances you can pretty much get enough to back you in anything.

I mean, all I have to do is phone up a BBC producer and promise the taxpayer funded broadcaster a spike in ratings and revenue and I’m booked. Their little hearts always beat faster. Their mind fogs. It’s like taking candy from a baby.”

Kate Hoey MP, somehow, was also approached for comment, but she was too busy threatening Snow White for comment.

As to how the communities affected by one of the last promises of Brexiters to be broken are feeling?

”Don’t ask a leading Brexiter,” Dan Hannan said, while putting the finishing touches to a mixed media statue of Satan, utilising various pasta forms and hate glue, “we really couldn’t give a flying fish.”

Mr Hannan later phoned back to correct his statement.

”I meant to say we couldn’t give a flying shit,” he added, “anyone who votes for us is a willing pawn in our plan to asset strip the U.K. to its bones while we tear up the red tape.

By red tape I mean legislation protecting worker’s rights, gender equality, access to health and education, racial equality, voting, basically anything that makes a society more fair and prosperous but means a smidgen less cash in an offshore bank account.

Can I take this opportunity to thank Jeremy Corbyn for getting populist on immigration and wages too? It really does help us.”

Sadly it looks like many have bought into the Brexit agenda hook, line and sinker.

But it’s not too late to stop drag netting the bottom of our politic and resurface, although the sun is already over the yardarm, it’s no time to stand easy if we value our democracy.

The new Brexit dictionary has been removed from the shelves as it was sadly lacking in detail. In fact it only defined three words, and poorly at that.

Linguistic expert Ettie Mology slammed the Dictionary. “This is the most pathetic, feeble attempt at a book that I have seen in a long time!” she fumed. “I know the government is running out of ideas, but really! None of the definitions makes sense.”

Brexit supremo David Davis begged to differ. “I wrote and approved it myself!” be bragged. “I have devoted many long seconds to its preparation!”

Mology suggested that the many blank pages were intended for Davis to do crayoning during Brexit negotiations. It is entirely coincidental that the Dictionary, which retails at £350m a week, comes with a free packet of Crayolas.

The Dictionary defines ‘gullible’ as ‘prepared to have faith in the government’s Brexit strategy’. ‘Strong’ is defined as ‘see stable’, and ‘stable’ as ‘the ability to prop up a minority by buying votes’, with a note to the effect that it has nothing to do with horses.

Far from being underprepared and lacking in substance, that is not the real reason for the withdrawal, Davis reveals. “There was a significant oversight, alas,” he confessed. “We accidentally omitted the word ‘Brexit’!”

The reprint – which will have traditional blue covers – will contain the word Brexit in all its glory. Davis revealed that the definition of Brexit will be ‘Brexit’.

“Unfortunately, this means that the cost of the Brexit Dictionary will increase,” said Davis breezily. “But it will all work out for the best. Every household will be obliged to own a copy of the Little Blue Book.”

Lovers of languages will doubtless be apoplectic with the diminution of the rich tapestry that is the English tongue. “It’s a debasement, a sacrilege,” commented Mology. “The government is attempting to drag us down to its level.”

Boris Johnson is said to be distressed that the Dictionary omits some of his favourite words, like ‘fibblefabble’.

David Davis put on his half finished Brexit suit today to announce he was “Putting the lotion on our skin so we don’t get the hose again”.

This “is the new take back control” he added.

The reassuring statement was made from the bottom of a well that Mr Davis has been digging in the basement of 10 Downing Street, with the help of other Conservative party MPs, that have also taken themselves, and us, hostage.

”I now feed myself with a bucket on a string,” Davis looked surprisingly okay with that, as he peered over the rim of the deep hole to see what he was doing with the lotion.

”Some idiots think that the EU is bullying us, but given we have kidnapped ourselves with the ruse of a sovereignty sofa that needed lifting into the back of a control van, I think it’s fair to say we’re doing this to ourselves.”

So how often do we have to apply the lotion to our skin, so we don’t apply the hose to ourselves again?

”Anytime there is a negotiating chokepoint in the Brexit negotiations. It’s amazing how fast the lotion can rub out a red line on our skin.”

Is there anyway we can rescue ourselves from this hole we’ve thrown ourselves into? Before we finish the Brexit suit?

”Yes. But only if enough people ditch their political party loyalties and show the sociopaths to the far left and the far right that we aren’t prepared to skin ourselves to make their ideological wet dreams come true. Oh, and Hannibal Lectre.”

What’s he got to do with it?

”There is no way in hell he’s a Brexiter. He’s too smart. Even if he is a mass killer.”

So we need to get big money working for us?

”It’s about time they did.”

Brexit clarity at last today as the Conservatives on the Brexit select committee confirm that not ruining the United Kingdom by the arbitrary timetable agreed between Rupert Murdoch and Theresa May would be “a betrayal of Rupert’s values.”

”You recall how rapidly Theresa May flew to New York to meet with the offshore media mogul when she became prime minister?” Downing Street insider S Tinks asked.

How could we not. It shows you who is the boss. Who goes to see who.

”Not always, sometimes CEO’s of companies like Westminster drop in on branches to keep everyone on their toes.”

Rupert doesn’t need to do that, he just sends around Michael Gove.

”Yes. 10 Downing Street is a little too low on the league table with Brexit to waste the time of the endless boss of England. He’s got to ruminate on how much Jerry gets when he pops his clogs.”

So what did the Brexit select committee stooges have to say in detail?

”Put a smile on an old man’s face,” S Tinks said, “Rupert didn’t invest heavily in disinformation and smear for so many years regarding the UK’s relationship to the EU not to see the entire country go up in flames before he regenerates into his next form. It’s a colonial grudge in some ways. Wait until we get to WTO rules! Ha!”

So the less prepared the country is for any Brexit the better?

”If you’re an ‘emerging market’ specialist like Jacob Rees-mogg the less prepared the more the potential profit.”

Next you’ll be saying Brexit is just a front for asset stripping the U.K.

”Oh, some of the assets will stay in the U.K., just the ownership of them and where the profits end up will change. But your GP surgery is still going to be at the end of your street.”

If it stays open.

”Quite. Brexit may just worsen the NHS recruitment issue, a little. It maybe Lexit or the NHS, in the end.”

So what should ordinary voters do to ensure the clock runs out on time?

”Vote for either Labour or Conservative, clearly, in the May 3rd elections, and when the general election happens later this year.”

Or UKIP.

”Not much need to do that, they’ve taken over the country already by getting May and Corbyn to commit to Brexit. And we all know UKIP’s values!”

If you can call what they have values.

“Yes well, just be secure in the knowledge parliament is more of a team then they want you to believe. Look at the whipping for Article 50?”

How could I forget it. It was a serious dereliction of duty. It was the day I tore up my Labour Party membership card.

”That makes you a class traitor who is responsible for homeless people on the streets.”

That what I keep getting told.

“Good. So remember, it’s a choice between a jobs go first Brexit and then we Brexit, or a jobs go first Brexit, but with added viciousness regarding welfare policy in the interim.”

Both Brexits lead to the same grisly end.

”Yes. Both keep Rupert Murdoch happy. And if that’s not a reason to support Brexit, I don’t know what is.”