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Jacob Rees-mogg’s LBC radio show to feature family planning advice

Jacob Rees-mogg’s new LBC radio show is to feature family planning advice as a regular feature, the broadcaster has advised.

”Mostly he’ll be exhorting people to throw away their condoms, flush their pills, burn their coils and just breed,” programme producer K Hopkins told LCD Views, “as baby Jesus demands. You want baby Jesus to be happy, don’t you?”

Yes. Of course.

”There will also be a name choosing ceremony each week live on air, targeted at people who are stuck for what to name their sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth children,” Hopkins added,

“although participants will feature only after proving they inherited sufficient wealth to afford to have so many children. Octuvulist is a nice name, don’t you think?”

Of course. We adore the classics. It’s sets one’s issues apart from the great unwashed.

We hear he will also feature environmental issues?

“Of course. He will be promoting fracking under your home. This is so Global Britain has enough energy to go to war against the EU.

And every week he will remind women they will burn in Hell if they have an abortion. Baby Jesus wants that too, regardless of the circumstances.”

What about a cooking segment?

”It won’t feature too many recipes per se,” K says, “it’ll mostly be a diatribe about how if your children can’t afford a school meal then they should starve, as Jacob’s voting record demonstrates.”

Well, we’re very excited. But why Jacob and why now?

”Sooner or later Farage is going to do a Hopkins,” K says, “and he’ll be pushed out the door. So we need to get our next right wing bullshit artist in full flow in advance of Farage demanding people goosestep for Brexit. Oh, and it doesn’t matter how much he’ll lie and dissemble, the ratings will be ace.”

Well, that’s all that matters.

”You wait until he does his Lord Haw-Haw impersonation, it’s almost as if the man is there himself. He’ll also be giving great tax advice. Just like you’d expect from a patriot. Tune in, drop out, of democracy.”

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2045 German remake of Fawlty Towers features an episode with English guests

The year is 2045. Germany is the thriving heart of Europe, and whoever it was who said that they have no sense of humour has been proven well and truly wrong, for last night on the publicly funded GBC (German Broadcasting Corporation) Germany was treated to a new series of its favourite sitcom.

Set in a hotel, it’s called Fehl Turmen, which translates into English as literally “faulty towers”, and is so-named in tribute to an English sitcom from seventy years ago with a name that sounded like that.

The hotel owner, Basil Fehl, and his wife Sybil, had their hands full last night with a consignment of English guests, and Basil is warning all his staff:

“Don’t mention Brexit – I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it.”

He was alluding to the moment earlier when he’d done an impression of Nigel Farage, raised an imaginary glass of beer, and said “bloody foreigners”.

Of course, it all gets ugly when a family of English guests are ordering lunch:

MOTHER: I’ll have the gammon.

BASIL: Ah yes, David Cameron, he announced the referendum.

FATHER: And I feel like some fish please, I’ll have the cheesy ray.

BASIL: Ah, Theresa May, what was it she used to say? Oh yes, that’s it, strong and stable!

SON: Can I just have a hot-dog?

BASIL: Oh yes, Jacob Rees-Mogg, he was there too.

DAUGHTER: And I’d like some won-tons please.

BASIL: Oh of course, Boris Johnson, what an imbecile! That silly red bus, hahaha! [Making speech marks] Three hundred and fifty million! And people believed him!

At this point the children are crying.

BASIL: What are they crying about?

FATHER: Will you stop talking about Brexit?

BASIL: You started it!

FATHER: No we did not!

BASIL: Yes you did, you voted leave!

And so it continued until the English guests stormed out. This segment only covered the last ten minutes of the episode, but already it’s all the viewers are talking about.

The show is already being dubbed into French, Spanish, Italian, Greek and every other continental language, it’s being lapped up by audiences all across Europe.

Although how it will go when it gets an English translation is anybody’s guess.

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The People whose Will dictates government policy are the same People who can’t be trusted to name a boat

The Will of the People means The Will of the People only when it suits the government. Compare the famous poll to name a polar research vessel. In this case an overwhelming majority voted for Boaty McBoatface.

The boat in question was subsequently named RSS Sir David Attenborough. Despite the clear Will of the People. This is a clear subversion of democracy. We want are Boaty back.

Compare the ‘advisory’ referendum on whether to remain in the EU. The result stands, we respect it, blah blah. Not remotely an overwhelming majority, yet this counts as the Will of the People. The same People who can’t be trusted to name a sodding boat.

This all stems from David Cameron losing a game of chicken. Caving in to the hardline Eurosceptics in his party to (hopefully) shut them up, he called the referendum. Of course, it all went horribly wrong for him, as Leave narrowly won. Even then, he could have interpreted the poll correctly, and say that the public was divided. We could then have had a serious debate on the issue and would have all been spared the pain. Instead he fell on his sword like a coward and went to hide in his shed.

Theresa May is complicit too. Instead of calling a halt, as you might have expected from someone who backed Remain, she called a disastrous general election and thoughtlessly triggered Article 50. Is May another headless chicken?

The wilful misuse of The Will of the People has led directly to the UK becoming the laughing stock of the world. Which other nation would endure Boris Unsackable Casual Racist Goldenballs Johnson as Foreign Secretary? Who else would conceive of Victorian caricature Jacob Rees-Mogg as a serious contender for Conservative party leader?

Our special relationship with the USA is looking like a competition to elect the worst possible people. A race to the bottom. An Arse Race, if you will.

Brexit means Brexit. But No Brexit is better than a Bad Brexit. Thanks, Will.

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May to start trade war with Argentina to boost Tory prospects in May 3rd local elections

Theresa May has announced her intention to start a trade war with Argentina in order to boost Tory party prospects in the May 3rd local elections.

”It worked for Maggie,” Stephen Parkinson, Downing Street insider, told us while stopping by to kick our door in, “it’ll work for Theresa. It’s my idea. I don’t want anyone else getting the credit or I’ll put their whole family in danger for payback.”

It’s certainly a shrewd bit of politics and why shouldn’t it work?

”Have they asked Argentina about it?” our international trade correspondent wanted to know, “Trump is coordinating his trade war with China via back channels so both he and Xi look tough, the stock market tumbles and they all make a lot of money buying the right stocks in a bear market before stabilising things again. I’m not sure Theresa has put in the ground work?”

We put his concerns to Stephen.

“Groundwork is for pussies,” Mr Parkinson retorted, “we’re on full wing it mode. Day to day. Seat of your pants stuff. Groundwork? What age is your supposed expert living in? The early 2000’s?”

But will a trade war centred on a few international footballers give May the boost her party needs to not wipe out on May 3rd?

”That’s an easy one,” our political analyst chimed in, “No. 41% of the local elections are in London. Enough said. Remain central. F*ck Theresa May. And very possibly a bit of screw you Jeremy coming too. In order to unite the country behind her she needs Russia to invade the Shetlands, or maybe even Skye.”

Well, that’s encouraging. Good luck with your trade war Theresa come what May. You get this trade war right it’s another fifteen years of Tory rule and flag waving. Global Britain will make Great Britain grate even more. Full cheese grater.

*This article is to be redacted before printing so Boris doesn’t get any ideas about Scottish islands and Russia.

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Poll reveals U.K. united and happy to wait until 2022 for next general election

A new poll of the governing Conservative Party cabinet, which includes the Labour Party leadership, has revealed the U.K. is united and happy to wait until 2022 for the next general election.

”It’s a fantastic result,” Jeremy Corbyn told LCD Views, “I fancy between Boris and myself and our headline ping pong we can keep the Skripal business running till at least 2021.

Presumably some of the benefits of Brexit will be flowing through by then and we can squabble over whether or not the government gets the credit or we do. This will take us into 2022.”

The chief Lexiter wasn’t the only one pleased.

”To be frank, and this may shock your readers, we can’t deliver Brexit and all the tangible benefits of it without the support of our parliamentary colleagues across the floor.

Just think how happy everyone will be having a blue passport, a commemorative third class stamp and soup,” prime minister Arlene Foster said, “oh and compulsory singing of the national anthem before gruel at school in the mornings.”

The results of the poll, due to be covered extensively and uncritically by BBC News twenty four seven for several days, will cheer people who maybe mildly concerned that the United Kingdom’s present leaders aren’t perhaps making the best fist of things.

Ms Foster’s deputy Theresa May, MP for the Walking Dead, was also asked for comment, but unfortunately there was a blue screen behind both her eyes and her mouth was open but nothing of use was coming out.

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Foreign Office to begin deleting statements by Boris Johnson before he says them

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has announced today it is to begin deleting statements by foreign secretary Boris Johnson before he says them.

“It’s just standard civil service contingency planning,” H Bogart, head of the FCO staffers told LCD Views during a job interview, “my starting salary isn’t really a concern, just help me get out of there please.”

That’s good. We can’t pay you anything.

“Not a problem.”

But please explain more about your decision regarding Mr Johnson.

“He’s doing what Theresa May needs him to do.”

Be a walking, talking catastrophe?

“Precisely,” Humphrey said, “he absorbs so much news print and media focus. It makes it easier for Ms May to starve children and slash police numbers. So that’s all well and good. It also keeps the Corbyn cultists absolutely swivel eyed obsessed on that Russian matter. Even better. But, and this is an important but.”

We waited.

We waited some more for H Bogart to continue.

What’s the important but?

“Oh, sorry, I was musing on what you offer for lunch? Buffet or fine dining at subsidised prices?”

You can grab lunch from the greasy spoon under our office. You have to pay for your own lunch. We run at a loss.

“Oh, you’re a standard newspaper then. Hmmm. Still…”

The but?

“Oh yes. Having a clown to distract the media and opposition is sensible government policy. Always need a few jokers in the pack. Makes for a f*cking terrible foreign secretary though. You’re not really supposed to squirt people in the eye from a flower on your lapel if you’re the face of the United Kingdom.”

So what’s to be done about it?

“Nothing, by Theresa May, she’s useless. She only fired Patel for trying to funnel taxpayer’s money to the IDF because Boris was cheesed off and ordered her to.”

Well, what are you going to do about it?

“We’ve had some code written. Anything Mr Johnson says now will be deleted before he says it.”

Did you invent a time machine?

“No. Gaffer tape and a sturdy chair. Oh, and a sock for is mouth.”

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We don’t send £350M a week to EU let’s use it to bribe carmakers instead

Greg Clarke Minister for Bungling was leading the big band in a celebration song after the government buckled to PSA’s demands for a big bucket of British taxpayer’s cash yesterday.

“This shows you we cut a fine cut out out when we agreed to give Nissan however much they wanted to stay in the U.K. for a while,” Mr Clarke sang, “and PSA have been smart enough to twist our arm behind our back and demand likewise to keep van production at the Luton plant.”

While some short sighted types might criticise the government for shoving taxpayer’s money into the pockets of multinationals, Mr Clarke is not having that.

”I’m having taxpayer’s cash of course. It’s my job. But securing capitalists against any potential losses that will be incurred because HMG has a dream of a bold, bucaneering, free trading country out on the high seas of international trade, busily shoving fistfuls of money into the pockets of international businesses dependent on CU and SM access to survive, that’s just a traditional conservative approach to business, isn’t it?”

They are the party of business, after all.

”I’m sure Labour won’t criticise the nationalisation of profit loss by capitalists, given it’s in the service of Brexit.”

LCD Views commends the government for its short term thinking and is more than certain there’s enough taxpayer’s money in the U.K. piggy bank to bribe, we mean incentivise, any business that needs bribing, we mean incentivising, to keep operations in the U.K. for a few years longer, while we sort out the few details left to clarify what Brexit means for trade.

”Of course her majesty’s loyal opposition supports throwing money at multinationals so our support of Brexit doesn’t get sticky for us before the long game reaches the final stage,” John McDonnell is expected to say later,

“there’s nothing else those millions could be better spent on. Remember, the people had a vote. Which is why Labour now also supports austerity, because the people had a vote on that too. It’s about our principles.”

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BBC devotes 25 minutes of main news bulletin to discussing whether the Earth is flat

The once-respected BBC has sunk to a new low. Once admired worldwide for its impartial and rigorous programming, it has been reduced to serious discussion of the flat earth theory.

LCD’s Round Things correspondent, Dennis Ball, investigated the likely impact on Global Britain.

“The BBC has sunk to a new low,” Ball began. “Against an astrophysicist, they balanced the panel by including a conspiracy theorist, a woman who thinks the Earth balances on the back of a turtle, and Nigel Farage.”

Things went downhill after that.

“The astrophysicist was shouted down, because she hadn’t personally flown around the earth in a spacecraft,” Ball explained. “Plus she was a vegan, so obviously a subversive and not to be trusted. Meanwhile, the turtle lady was allowed to spout any old idiotic bollocks she liked, without challenge. The conspiracy theorist, when asked to justify his assertions, triumphantly replied, ‘Prove the Earth isn’t flat!’, and described a rim around the edge of the Earth to stop us all falling off.”

What about Farage?

“Oh, there’s a new BBC directive that ensures that Farage appears on the BBC at least once a day,” said Ball. “He proposed creating a rim around Britain to keep our fish away from the EU.”

Ball spoke to the BBC’s Director of Political Output, Craven Acquiescence.

“The BBC must consider many factors,” claimed Acquiescence. “But mainly the licence fee. The government has threatened to sell the BBC to Murdoch for 50p the moment we broadcast something that challenges Brexit. By doing exactly what we’re told, we are preserving the integrity of the BBC for future generations.”

“Explain the contradiction,” demanded Ball. “Doing what you’re told, and preserving integrity? How does that work?”

“Sorry, I don’t understand the question,” replied Acquiescence. “Excuse me, I have a puff piece on Boris Johnson to get ready for Newsnight.”

Ball concluded that Mr Craven Acquiescence has no bollocks. Or, at least, flat ones.

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Brits reassured traditional British toilet humour can survive loss of freedom of movement

It was recently announced that the NHS would no longer provide treatment related to Freedom of Movement, such as constipation and diarrhoea. With Brexit in the pipeline this may well be just the tip of the iceberg.

We have been reminded during the negotiations currently taking place that the EU’s four freedoms of movement (goods, services, capital and persons) cannot be compromised. To these four can be added a fifth, the freedom of movement for shit, which we shall also lose when we leave the EU.

There will therefore, as they say, be consequences, or perhaps consesquelches. This at least was the view of the spokesperson at the newly-formed sub-department for Brexshitting the EU who advised that life would be different, and that we would have to adapt to the loss of freedom of movement.

We were passed on to Mysterious Martin with his crystal toilet bowl. He had been engaged to have a look into the future in the manner of Charles Dickens’s Christmas Carol, to get a taste – or smell – of what was to come.

We stared into the bowl, which was full of a murky brown liquid which let off fumes and a nasty odour. Martin held his nose with one hand and stirred the liquid with a toilet brush with the other.

“This stench is so bad, I’m almost tempted to cut off my nose to spite my face so I can’t smell it!” he gagged.

Gradually the mess cleared, and a line of people came into view (a bit like that infamous poster in the referendum campaign).

It looked as if they were waiting in an airport , which was clearly somewhere in Europe, under a sign which read “No Poo Queue” .

They were would be holiday makers who looked pretty glum (as glum as their bums) . One of them, a sad looking person who gave his name as Willie Havercrapp, was speaking to a television news reporter.

”It’s absolutely terrible, since we left the EU we haven’t been able to use the loos at airports in Europe when we go on a bog standard package holiday,” said Havercrapp. “We have to take a bucket and spade with us, not to build sandcastles with, but in case we have an, err, accident. And the bureaucracy is terrible, there’s far too much – when the border control people ask to see our papers, we have to bring out our toilet rolls to prove that we’ve come prepared and won’t put a strain on the facilities here!”

I think he means, it’s not the job that’s the problem, it’s all the paperwork afterwards.

“We’ve been advised not to eat anything near five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, in order to avoid the need to go to the loo,” Havercrapp continued. “A well known vacuum cleaner manufacturer has advised us to suck it up, and some of us are thinking of investing in space suits and little portable loos, like the ones you can get for your car. Mind you though, we’re getting used to this, what with all the public loos back home being closed to save money”.

He suddenly broke off, and dashed off, saying “I’ve got to go!”

The scene dissolved in a swirl of smelly brownness as Mysterious Martin wiped his forehead and gasped, “It’s pretty grim, but you can see the funny side of freedom of movement can’t you!”

As we ponder the loss of Freedom of Movement I can hear that song by the Moody Poos, sorry, Moody Blues. “If you’re going to go, go now”, and the advice our mothers gave us before going on a journey: “Go before you go!”

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Farage and Hoey to dump entire British fishing industry in Thames 29/03/19

EXT   WESTMINSTER   MORNING

The Thames is lit like a Turner. The colours of the sun splashed across the rippling water as if the artist himself has painted it. Fiery reds. Warm oranges.

A tall ship struggles against the outgoing tide in front of the Palace of Westminster.

Its sails are ragged. It lists to one side as if taking on water.

Two figures stand at the prow. A man and a woman. The woman has climbed onto the prow as the man holds her around the waist. They are remaking the famous scene from ‘Titanic’.

CLOSE ON

The woman and the man. KATE HOEY and NIGEL FARAGE.

NIGEL FARAGE is smoking. Great clouds of smoke envelope KATE HOEY. She struggles to keep her balance. She struggles to breathe.

KATE HOEY

“Bloody hell Nigel. As if the Brut aftershave you’ve drowned yourself in isn’t enough.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“Christ. Why the hell did you hire a boat without a bar on it?”

KATE HOEY

“Shouldn’t the fish have been here by now? I can’t stand much more of this.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“I’ve told them there’s a fish market at Westminster today. There they are.”

PULL BACK

Look upstream from the tall ship. See the river full of all manner of ageing fishing boats. Regional flags tells us they come from every coastal region of the United Kingdom.

KATE HOEY

“Can we get a move on sinking this gullible lot? I’ve got to attend the inaugural chicken de-cholorination festival in an hour.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“One by one they float down here. One by one I’ll sink them. Fe fi fo fum, I smell the tears of an Englishman.”

One boat moves forward from the rest. We hear its engine struggling as it pulls alongside the tall ship.

A FISHERMAN who looks like a ghost points mutely at the crates of fish on his deck. He’s missing fingers. There’s so many fish.

FISHERMAN

“Ready when you are Mr Farage.”

NIGEL FARAGE begins to laugh. He’s so amused he starts hacking a smoker’s cough. He can barely breathe.

He releases KATE HOEY.

CLOSE ON

KATE HOEY flaps her arms madly. It looks like she’s going to fall into the water.

KATE HOEY

“Nigel you reptilian shit. Catch me.”

Slowly, so slowly, NIGEL FARAGE reaches out through his hacking and gives KATE HOEY a shove.

END SCENE