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Scientist reveals Tory government fell seconds after Labour opposed Brexit in alternative, sane universe

A scientist studying alternative dimensions has revealed in the current one under the microscope Theresa May’s Tory government fell seconds after Labour opposed Brexit.

”The alternative reality we have labelled ‘sane’,” Professor B Offin told LCD Views, “our own we currently call ‘F*cking Insane’.”

No surprises at the names chosen then, but what drew you to search for ‘sane’?

”A fairly common feeling,” the professor replied, “for a few years now I’ve been waking up each day and one of my first thoughts when considering our current country and world is ‘you have to be kidding me?’. I decided to do something about it.”

So what have you learned from studying the dimension of the sane?

”That the hostile environment created by the institutionally racist ruling Conservative party only survives because the official opposition, led by Jeremy “principles” Corbyn, is labouring under the delusion they have to back Brexit for various reasons of party first self interest and sod all to do with democracy.”

Interesting. What is the connection?

”Have you forgotten Brexit poster wannabe fascist ruler Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ poster unveiled on the day Labour MP Jo Cox was butchered in the street by a far right terrorist?”

No. Never will. I was shocked that wasn’t a major turning point in the EU referendum campaign. That atrocity is Brexit to me. It’s why I resist Brexit however I can. That and many other reasons. I’m ashamed it didn’t resonate with everyone.

”Yes. In the dimension of ‘sane’ it took them a while to wake up to it also. That you can’t be both a principled politician and support the inherently racist and deceptive and ultimately murderous agenda of Brexit.”

So that dimension’s Jeremy Corbyn finally dragged the cobwebs of ideological obsession off his mind and resisted Brexit and toppled the hostile environment Tory government in seconds?

”No. Not Corbyn.”

Then who?

”David Lammy after he beat Keir Starmer in the leadership election that occurred after Labour failed to make significant gains in the May 3rd local elections, because Corbyn was wedded to Brexit.

Of course in ‘sane’ the Momentum activists are still blaming people like you who won’t bow to the lie of Brexit out of a cultish devotion to a messiah figure.”

Oh, so sane is ahead of our dimension in more than one way, but not all.

”Yes. But if we act fast we can catch up. It’s that or Global Britain is going to be a bloody small and much disliked place ruled by the powers of hate.”

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Wetherspoons deletes social media presence to help protect your data

Cheap and cheerful pub chain Wetherspoons has removed itself from social media. The ‘Spooners want to date your protector.

The data mining scandal has caused this casualty. Punters enjoying budget craft ale and bog-standard catering will be disappointed to no longer be able to post dicks of their pinner.

LCD’s Bunny Phone correspondent spoke to ‘Spooner Billy Wigg, known locally as a shining wit.

“I don’t use Basefook any more,” claimed Wigg, as he boffed his queer. “It’s just mad banners in a pub. Anyway, I can’t keep my stand heady when I’m fist as a part.”

We asked Billy whether he was concerned about data theft.

“Well, protector dating is all the rage now,” he gurgled, reaching for his pleated sorenuts. “I don’t want anyone dining my mater. The world’s gone mucking fad!”

In an attempt to gin out the spoke, we talked to landlady Mary Huff.

“Being a ‘Spooner is all about wangling your turds,” she stated, boring my peer. “We lurve sagas, and on Tuesdays we perve sighs.”

Are you concerned about no longer having an official Twitter account? Isn’t Wetherspoons’ action rather drastic?

“Not at all, too many customers are on their farts moans,” she said, caking my ‘tache. “We ‘Spooners are all about forking with your trends, and tarts deems. We want to create old pile stubs, where people can chink with their drums. That’s the pun fart of owing gout!”

Wetherspoons’ boss Mim Tartin was unavailable for comment, but issued the following mate’s tent.

“We have never dated any minor. We do not bite steels, style beats or beat styles. Reeving is thong. Now, let’s glazer ass and post the tub. Who’s binding a row? Lines a marge one!”

We think that Tartin might be making the tick. Maybe it was discovered that he was Twitter and bisted.

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House of Commons to feature on Crimewatch special

Television and crime lovers are in for a treat as BBC flagship programme ‘Crimewatch’ is to film a special feature on all the horrible shit the House of Commons has been allowing to happen for years and now the perpetrators are in the spotlight.

“Boris clearly is a wanted man in connection with mass vandalism of cultural life in the U.K.,” presenter Nick Ross, who is returning to film the special, told LCD Views, “also for various criminal violations relating to bus driving. But most of the Commons is charged with pursuing the criminal destruction of the country with Brexit.”

But he’s not alone on the lamb?

”No. Pretty much the entire cabinet is featured as suspects wanted in connection with democratic vandalism and other charges.

A lot of them for just being themselves.

Gavin Williamson for the crime of being promoted beyond his abilities.

Jeremy Hunt for alleged money laundering, on top of slowly and steadily privatisating a national treasure. So mass theft of a public possession.

Michael Gove for theft of a human shell in which to carry out his harmful alien schemes.

Amber Rudd for everything the Home Office is doing. Crime growth. Mass fear, breaking of trust regarding how to treat humans. The list is pretty long. Immigration policy is pretty much a protection racket now.”

We understand Jeremy Corbyn is featured too?

”Yes. Violations of the trade description act as it applies to an official opposition leader. That’s a serious one. He’s supporting Brexit, the criminal reduction of the U.K. for asset stripping. I mean, what the actual…”

But surely Iain Duncan Smith has to feature as public enemy number one?

”He does.”

What crime is he alleged to have committed?

”The crime of being himself,” Nick said, “oh and for impersonating a wheel of cheese. The recreation of that crime is my personal favourite.”

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Home Office deporting Commonwealth born citizens as brand advocates for Global Britain

LCD Views can report on a helpful leg up for Doctor Liam Fox in his global trade mission today as the Home Office has begun deporting Commonwealth born citizens as brand advocates for Global Britain Empire 2.0.

“It’s really put the wind under my wings and given me a rush to have a joint initiative with my colleagues at the Home Office,” Dr Fox told us, “to think in just a few years we’ll likely be peers today as well, once we fly off to our well earned rest as Conservative Lords.”

Under the new strategy anyone who came to the United Kingdom as a minor and who hasn’t kept the ticket stub to prove they did it by boat or plane, and not illegally by levitation, is to be rounded up and forced back to the countries of their birth.

The scheme is expected to be rolled out after this test phase to other groups who also legally arrived, often by invitation from a country eager for fit, young people, but who now doesn’t like anyone not born in a shire so much, and wants the world to know it.

“I have suggested we get Nigel Farage to redo his famous breaking point poster, only this time with other groups,” Doctor Fox said, “just to make sure the world really gets what Britain and Brexit means.”

And Doctor Fox has other ideas they don’t involve curtains too.

”I was expecting I’d probably only achieve a Guinness Book of World Records entry for most business class air miles earned at public expense while achieving sod all,” Doctor Fox mused, “but with HMG competing with President Trump across the pond to make racism a guiding light in immigration policy, well, I’m going to have a lot of free publicity for Global Britain’s brand in so many Commonwealth countries I want to do a free trade deal with after Brexit.”

LCD Views thinks Doctor Fox is indeed lucky, to have some many chums to give him a leg up the ladder, in spite of his ability.

”That goes for the entire cabinet currently, pretty much,” he adds, “it explains all these wonderful policies. Competence. What is it and how do you avoid it?”

Although we perceive some risk of the kick out anyone a kipper hates policy backfiring, given a few of the targeted individuals may at some point negotiate the telephone books of paperwork, and stump up the fees needed to process documents resulting from rule changes decades after people settled in the UK and were allowed to do so.

“It’s a good warm up,” Doctor Fox finished, “for when we start screwing around EU27 citizens even harder while shouting at the EU to give us cake. Bargain chips. That’s what we see when we see people.”

Best of luck Global Britain, you’ll need it.

 

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Home Office advises anyone who can trace their wealth to 1066 won’t be asked to leave U.K.

Amber Ruddy Rudd MP has moved today among the subject citizens of the U.K. to bring reassurance and certainty to the growing number of people concerned they’ll be arbitrarily kicked out of Brexit Britain due to the executive now being clogged with xenophobic little Englanders.

Our home affairs reporter was on the campaign trail with the Home Secretary to see how things went down.

“I don’t know why you’d want to stay anyway?” Ms Rudd told two people in the queue with her at Greggs, “these sausage rolls are one of my guilty pleasures. I’m going to Waitrose after this to talk to people in the wine section there. Then I will have reassured all Conservative voters.”

When one of the people in the queue said that’s not very reassuring, Amber’s eyes glinted and she laid down the love bomb.

“My department, the homey Home Office, is happy to advise you, good person, that anyone who can trace their wealth to 1066 won’t be asked to leave either the United Kingdom, or whatever this place is post late March 2019.”

From the puzzled looks of the other people in the queue it seemed there was more for Amber to do.

“But what about the Windrush children?” One of them asked.

“Arrest this individual!” Amber shouted, “immediate deportation. Clearly an undesirable! Grounds, questioning government policy!”

Immediately a couple of burly G4S men stormed the shop and rugby tackled the dissenter to the floor, spilling a selection of princess themed cupcakes in the process.

“The price of those ruined cakes is going on your legal bill,” Amber hissed, “honest, hardworking British taxpayers money needs to be spent on bombs and letters to frighten people, not your vandalism.”

The man pinned to the floor muttered something about the “democratic vandalism currently being wrought upon the country by” but he was dragged out of the store before he could finish.

“Any questions?” Ms Rudd asked our reporter.

“Yes. Why stop at 1066, why not go back further?”

“You’re not very smart, are you,” Ms Rudd replied, “all the best people can trace their wealth back to 1066. And if we’re successful in getting Henry VIII executive powers, you’ll feel our executive power goes back quite a long way too. Positively archaeological. Which is one of our visions for Britain.”

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Brexiters encouraged to join new strip club

A new strip club, exclusively for Brexiters, has been set up in a discreet and exclusive location in central London. Named Pick ‘n’ Mix, admission is by bribe only.

Inside, all the usual features are present and correct. A tacky stage, overpriced drinks. Middle aged men, who ought to be spending their time and money on their families. The only thing missing is women young enough to be their daughters taking off their clothes, because Pick ‘n’ Mix is an asset stripping club.

First up on the stage is Health Care. An attractive young woman, immaculately suited, presents the Accountable Care Organisations. “Look at the assets on that!” murmurs one punter to another. “I would, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah, wouldn’t kick that out of the boardroom!” his companion replies., digging for his wallet.

Soon, both had left sizeable deposits, with the promise that they could get their filthy paws on more assets after hours in a private room.

LCD spoke to one of the Brexiters, Phil Thilucre, about why he was in the club.

“It’s strictly word-of-mouth,” he disclosed. “Anyone who is anyone in the disaster capitalism business knows about it, though. This is the first time that a formal club has been set up for extreme capitalists like us!”

Why has this happened now?

“Brexit is like a fire sale, but on a massive scale,” explained Thilucre. “The UK is going to crash and burn. The bigger the crash, the cheaper the assets we strip. The UK will be forced to sell its crown jewels. In fact, the Crown Jewels will be up for sale next week.”

What’s in it for you?

“Making money is easy. Buy cheap, sell expensive!” claimed Thilucre. “We are simply giving the market a helping hand.”

This is precisely why rules about insider trading exist, we suggest.

“Brexit is meant to cut through petty rules and restrictions,” Thilucre claimed. “We are taking back control. Hang on, I want to bid for Buckingham Palace.”

Finally. Clarity. Brexit means ditching all the rules designed to protect everybody else from the rapacious desires of the unscrupulous super-rich. Doesn’t that feel good?

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Warheads of smart missiles powered by MPs’ consciences

The Storm Shadow cruise missiles used in the Syrian air strikes contain a secret weapon. The warheads contain a highly explosive substance, which the UK has been stockpiling for many years. This substance is highly concentrated consciences of MPs.

Parliamentary debate was once at the heart of the UK’s democracy. Heated arguments, fuelled by beliefs and conscience, would determine and refine policy. No longer. It is as if Parliament itself has been turned over to the private sector, whose only responsibilities are to stay in power and to make as much money as possible.

In exchange for this opportunity, compliant MPs are requested to surrender their consciences. Disappointingly, a majority have opted to do this.

Whistleblower Tess Tifye explained how the whole process works.

“It’s made out to be smoke and mirrors,” said Miss Tifye. “But the reality is quite simple. New MPs are ushered into a dungeon in the Tower of London. They are told that it is an initiation ceremony. Of course, most of them are ex-Public Schoolboys and accept this without question.”

They are then asked a series of leading questions, designed to entrap all but the most wary. An offer is then made, and the MP has to choose between feathering his nest, or a life of honest toil. Deal or No Deal?

“If you choose the former, which most do, then you must surrender your conscience then and there,” Miss Tifye clarified. “The questioner, Sir Nicholas Something or other, has been doing this job for as long as anyone can remember. MPs fondly refer to him as ‘Old Nick’.”

So what does Old Nick do with the consciences?

“He leaves them to mature,” said Miss Tifye. “The longer, the better. The conflict between the MP’s dereliction of duty and sense of right increases over time. They can explode at any time, but they work best when focussed upon a scapegoat. This makes them the perfect warheads for missiles.”

The best part is that the consciences may be used again and again. An MP may request the return of his conscience, of course, but in exchange must surrender what remains of his credibility.

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Lettering on new blue passports to be printed in iron pyrite

The Home Office has thrilled everyone today with the announcement that the lettering on the covers of the new blue patriotic passports is to be printed in ink made from iron pyrite.

“It was a tough call,” Ms 500M Pounds told LCD Views, “we had thought about ritually slaughtering a unicorn and making ink out of its blood, but we went with the fools gold in the end.”

Why? Surely a unicorn, as it features on the coat of arms, would have been more appropriate? Especially in the context of the reasons for spending half a billion quid changing the colour of passports to a colour we could have had anyway?

“It was a real shock to all of us,” Ms 500M answered, “but we couldn’t actually locate a unicorn for the purpose.”

But politicians are promising unicorns now for pretty much everything going, surely you could have just taken an incy wincy bit of blood from one of those?

“Are you sitting down?”

Yes. I always sit when interviewing fictional characters.

“Unicorns don’t exist.”

Get out of here.

“Seriously,” Ms 500M was adamant, “I should know as I’ve just finished overseeing a study into their habitats, feeding patterns, reproductive cycles, best way to catch and tame etc. Unicorn farming is a cornerstone of all future policy. It was a bloody shock to discover they aren’t real.”

So what are you going to do?

“Buggered if I know,” Ms 500M replied, “spend money hand over fist and hope something magical happens is the most likely course of action.”

Maybe you could start replacing unicorns with iron pyrites all over the shop?

“Now that’s the sort of advice we pay well for. Do you want a job as a consultant at DExEU?”

How long would I have to stay for?

“Not long. No one does.”

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Family expresses gratitude it’s only local elections happening in UK May 3rd

A family in an endlessly war torn part of the world has today expressed its gratitude that it’s only local elections happening in the United Kingdom on May 3rd.

“Some may call us ungrateful for the attention we’ve recently received from the world’s pillars of democracy,” one member of the family said, “but hey, everyone likes their fifteen minutes of fame once a year.”

The family was speaking after the Friday night bombing raid on Syrian chemical weapons facilities and stock piles. While pleased that Assad’s capabilities in this area may have been temporarily downgraded, they were still left with some niggling doubts about the motivations behind the coalition of the willing’s actions.

“It’s okay to blow up civilians here or in Yemen with conventional weaponry?” they wanted to know, “but it’s not okay to gas us? That’s when limited action is taken? It does seem a bit cynical. If you were really concerned presumably you’d be committed full time to bring an end to the conflict?”

They did go on to say they were pleased that the military industrial complex had a playground though.

“Everyone thought Eisenhower was a bit loopy when he made his big goodbye speech in the fifties, warning of the commercial push for endless war,” the representative of the family commented, while lugging a small child for miles down a bomb cratered road, “but I suspect he’s been shown to be very much on the mark. Much like a laser guided missile. How much do they cost again?”

Still, at least the action is only limited.

“It plays into everyone’s hands,” the family said, “most of the leaders involved need a PR win. It’s a little curious on the part of May and Trump, given their attitudes to refugees. It’s also a little curious from the stop the war group, as I don’t recall them protesting the barrel bombing of my home or the other mass drops of conventional munitions by Assad and Putin? Still, everyone has busy lives, so you get involved when it suits I suppose.”

They hope to have a little rest now.

“It’s probably just as well the United Kingdom only has local elections coming up on May 3rd. God only knows how much your government would care about us if it was a general election!”

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Man stunned after time traveller gives him a book from the future

A man has been left stunned after a time traveller appeared late last night in his study and gave him a book from the future.

“Keir is to spend the day with friends recovering,” Mr A Friend told LCD Views, “he wasn’t overly shocked by the appearance of the space suited visitor from the year 2065, but he was rocked by the contents of the book the time traveller gave him.”

It seems the book, ‘Footnotes in 21st Century British Political History’, was intended as a gift.

“It’s uncertain what the motivation of the time traveller was,” Mr Friend said, “Keir is a little worried that behind the warm smile, the handshakes and the stories about how your house will flush the toilet for you in 2065, there was also a cautionary message.”

The suspicion appears to have been roused by Keir discovering he is written about in the book.

“When the time traveler said, wink, wink, you’re in the book mate, Keir was thrilled and he eagerly opened the tome anticipating a fat chapter on his service as British prime minister from 2022 to 2033, but it wasn’t there! He was shocked.”

Well, what was there?

“Just a paragraph. A few lines about being part of the official opposition that enabled the hard right Torykip destruction of democracy in the United Kingdom in the service of far right tax dodgers, which triggered the actual dissolution of the country itself.”

But that’s not fair, Brexit is a Tory project.

“It is certainly that,” Mr Friend nodded, “but according to ‘Footnotes of 21st Century British Political History’, Jeremy Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to ensure Article 50 was triggered is viewed from the future as a dereliction of duty almost as bad as David Cameron running as fast as he could the moment he realised he’d broken everything.”

Almost?

“Almost,” Mr A Friend nodded, “it seems Keir allowed himself to be carried downstream in the flow of Brexit. The people in the future believe he should have turned around and fought the poo logs flowing to the waterfall cliff edge. You know, stuck by his principles and beliefs like an elected representative is supposed to do.”

That’s a shame. He probably hoped for a more sympathetic place in history.

“People choose their destinies.”

So where does the time traveller live now if the United Kingdom has dissolved? The Republic of Scotland? Ireland or Wales? England?

“No. England is a distant memory spoken about in fables now. The time traveller said he was from the Kingdom of Kent.”