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Michael Gove insists Titanic was strengthened by contact with iceberg

LCD VIews can report today on the amazing scientific discoveries of Michael Gove, MP for somewhere in Surrey that needs its water tested, who has discovered that the Titanic was strengthened by contact with the iceberg.

”It’s because ice is very, very hard, especially a mountain of it with reality ridges,” Michael told a roomful of people who would otherwise have spent their time wondering when he would f*ck off.

”And I challenge anyone to disprove there is a location more strong and stable than the place the Titanic settled after contact with the iceberg all those years ago.”

Mr Gove, long recognised as the herpes raging in the fluids of the UK’s democracy, is apparently determined to multiply himself even faster by venturing into topics normally reserved for other experts.

”You can’t cure me,” he winked, “you just hope for those quiet spells inbetween my flare ups.”

Quite why Mr Gove has decided to talk with such self confidence on the matter of massive unsinkable ships that sunk is open to speculation.

”It’s because he’s aware you need to keep saying words at people so they believe them,” our bullshit artist specialist opined, “clearly the Titanic had a great big hole ripped in the side of it, sunk and masses of people died. But Mr Gove believes too little focus is given to the positive influence on British culture by the calamity. Such as the film named after the ship.”

I wouldn’t say that was a positive? The only thing accurate about that movie was that a big ship sunk.

”Yes, but, if you made it onto a life boat you survived. Like now, if you have invested your money sensible in tax havens.”

What about all the people who didn’t find a life boat, due in large part to the failure of the designers to make preparations for the obvious potential of disaster?

”You mean because the designers of the ship were too convinced of their own genius?”

A bit like Brexit.

”Well, I wouldn’t go comparing the two. Brexit has clearly strengthened the United Kingdom and made us a more welcoming place to foreigners.”

You’ve been spending too much time with Michael Gove.

”Hasn’t everybody?”

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Fifty shades of brown the only options on the Brexit colour chart

The long-awaited Brexit colour chart has finally arrived from Dulux, and the patriotic dreams of a red, white and blue Brexit appear to have been dashed completely – unless you can work out how it would look in sepia.

The only available colour for any deal is brown, appropriately enough.

We spoke to Dulux spokesman Will Paintham on the matter.

“We spent several weeks doing a graphics analysis for the various Brexit possibilities,” he said. “We allocated the most appropriate colour to each and every possible deal option we could think of, and each one of them turned out brown. And not brown as in chocolate either.”

We get the idea.

The conservative party are reportedly unconcerned by this, although the only statement they made came from Boris Johnson.

“Nothing to worry about, Brexit is brown, we conservatives are blue, and the blue is worth more than the brown on a snooker table, what ho!”

These remarks were accompanied by his trademark grin, and absolutely no sense of irony.

It should be noted that the chart is not entirely devoid of variety, however, as there are a whopping fifty shades of brown to choose from.

Rumours are already in the air that author E. L. James is filing a lawsuit against Dulux for this, but she has denied this. Naturally enough, as you can’t sue real life when it chooses to imitate art. No matter how disgusting the imitation.

Well there you have it. All hopes of a golden handshake or a silver lining are officially a thing of the past. Britain is officially in the brown stuff, let’s hope we climb out before someone hits flush.

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Tories to recruit young voters with meat loaf offer after hearing they’re all talking about gammon

The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.

”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,

“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”

So what are you doing then with this song?

“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”

Yours. It is a song.

“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”

So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.

“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”

LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.

But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.

To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.

This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.

You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.

‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.

I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.

Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?

I can do that.

I can do that. Yippee.

Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?

I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.

I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’

The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.

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Tories to recruit young voters with meat loaf offer after hearing they’re all talking about gammon

The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.

”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,

“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”

So what are you doing then with this song?

“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”

Yours. It is a song.

“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”

So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.

“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”

LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.

But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.

To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.

This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.

You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.

‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.

I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.

Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?

I can do that.

I can do that. Yippee.

Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?

I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.

I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’

The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.

 

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U.K. population stats inflated to 650M so we finally hold all the cards in trade negotiations

LCD Views can report this morning that the population statistics for the United Kingdom have been artificially inflated to 650 million people in order to put us in pole position for future trade deals with lesser countries.

We sent a reluctant reporter along to Steve Baker, famous for bungling ill thought out put up jobs in parliament with living descendant of Vlad the Impaler, Jacob Rees-mogg, to learn more.

”Let me correct you at the start,” man of integrity Steve began, “we haven’t artificially inflated any statistics, the 650 million is now the actual, literal, word thing fact stat published by our colleagues in the Home Office.

It’s a great sign of government working together to give Little Liam and his white elephant of international trade real cred on the international stage. You should actually literally be congratulating us for our clever idea.”

But it’s bullshit.

”Oh my God, they’ve sent a child to interview me!”

Mr Baker laughed scornfully and considered terminating the interview.

”If you’re not going to buy the government line it’s going to stop us making a success of post Brexit dumpster fire Britain. You’re pathetic.”

Okay. Let’s play along. What’s the cause of the sudden jump in the UK’s population?

”It’s not sudden at all. Since the moment of reawakening on the 23rd June 2016 everyone who believes in the U.K. has been shagging like bunnies. We’re in the middle of a massive patriotic population baby boom. It’s why we can send all those foreign types home with no conceivable negative connotations at being perceived as racist.”

Correctly perceived, given government policy and even the official opposition party banging on about ending freedom of movement.

”There you go again! We’re not a racist government. Just visit Nadine Dorries on Twitter to see that. No. No. We just KNOW British born people are exceptional compared to others and we’re making sure everyone knows it.”

You’re killing the country day by day and Labour is helping you.

”After Brexit when we change all the laws you’re going to be arrested. And it won’t matter who is in charge. It might even be me.”

We’ll see about that. What’s the point of artificially inflating the population statistics anyway?

”So we can hand the Japanese their backsides in not only rugger but trade negotiations.

We have to have a larger population than the EU or we’re going to get shafted on a relative worth basis in consideration of trade deals done as a bloc of 500M+.”

This will work how?

”650 is bigger than 500. It’s basic. Just do the math and you’ll see a glorious trading future awaits.”

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Brexitman comic to only have one edition because he’s killed by realitynite

Dreadful comics have been forced onto the backfoot today by the revelation their much anticipated Brexitman comic is to only have one edition because Brexitman is killed by realitynite.

”It happens two thirds of the way through the first comic!” a frustrated fan, Mr Gammon told our Stupidty analyst, “I was given an advanced copy so they could pay me to promote Brexitman on Twatter…what’s thid OUTRAGE?!!!”

Mr Gammon was unable to continue the conversation because he had to take to social media to blame Theresa May for selling out Brexitman by allowing him to even come within a thousand yards of realitynite.

”It’s the total reaction from all the fans pre-selected to review Dreadful’s comic. They were selected after they agreed to take part in an online quiz that asked a simple question, Would you believe anything if a dickhead said it with enough conviction?”

I take it the people selected responded to the survey with a yes?

”Yes.”

But why did they even use realitynite? Everyone knows that’s the one thing capable of killing anyone from the Planet Brexitinsania.

”That or a functioning opposition that isn’t also pursuing the same ends for equally deluded ideological reasons. Oh and the courts. And a general election. And”

I’ll stop the list. That’s just the components of realitynite.

”True.”

So is there any chance of Brexitman actually having survived the total body contact with realitynite and returning for a sequel?

”Well the final third of the comic is mostly just killers screaming about having a civil war to revenge Brexitman, before they get distracted by mass unemployment devastating their regions…”

So probably not?

”Probably no Brexitman sequel. No. Realitynite is a devastating mineral.”

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Queen’s EU hat proven stronger opposition to Brexit than official opposition leader

Recent studies from the University of Shambles, Westminster campus, suggest that Queen Elizabeth II’s famous EU hat has proven to be a stronger opposition to Brexit than the leader of the official opposition.

”It’s a bit of a surprise,” Professor Noshit Sherlock told us, “well, it is to some Momentum members. It’s not to anyone paying attention. To be frank myself and my colleagues should be focused solely on climate change and other social justice issues. Not on publishing mocking rants against the lock stock swindle of U.K. plc by modern fascists.”

But is there any realistic possibility of the Queen’s EU hat challenging the old Bennite Brexiter for leadership of the Labour Party?

”It couldn’t do a worse job faced with the most toxic, shambolic, embarrassing and cruel Tory administration anyone can remember. It consistently polls ahead of both May and Corbyn as preferred prime minister.”

It’s believed on the back of these revelations that certain yellow Tory shill Blairite scum are looking to form a party and have approached the hat to see if it will consider being leader.

”It has a mass of material to challenge the government with. When you consider the mass loss of investment, jobs, relevance, respect, the way Brexit has emboldened racists and made the U.K. a global laughing stock, the emerging revelations of criminality in the Brexit campaigns and the way they likely tie to senior serving cabinet ministers, the hat is going to be in Downing Street by mid summer on an anti-Brexit, jobs first agenda.”

If the cap fits?

”The UK will wear it.”

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House of Lords now selected by Question Time researchers

New members of the House of Lords are to be chosen on the same basis as audience members for Question Time. Carefully selected plants, who will say what they are told to say, will prevent further embarrassment to the government.

Question Time has rigorously trialled this approach. Subversives, traitors and enemies of the people can be weeded out before they can engage in debate.

“The rebellious Lords need to be controlled,” said reformer Sir Rees Mogg-Jacob. “How dare they contradict the will of the ERG! Sorry, I mean the will of the people, of course. That’s not what the Lords is for. They should simply be a quirky anachronism, like the Royal Family.”

The BBC reacted angrily. “The Question Time audience is always a fair cross-section of society,” claimed toady Picton Utter. “We always ensure that all points of view, from ‘get over it’ to ‘get on with it’ are covered.”

However, independent commentators are not convinced. Especially as one of the proposed new Lords, Lord Soames, perfectly fits the profile of an angry, overprivileged, entitled gammon.

“The unelected Lords are a travesty of democracy!” claims Mogg-Jacob, whose knighthood was confirmed earlier in the week. “The least that can be done is to ensure safe passage of the right sort of legislation.” Pressed on what he believes to be the “right sort of legislation”, his lordship replies, “Anything I agree with, of course.”

Is this all part of a concerted attempt to make the modern world less stressful? After all, if we all just agreed that Brexit means Brexit and stopped moaning about it, we would all feel much better.

To help with this transition, what’s left of the NHS is offering surgery to replace overworked brain tissue with cured and salted pork.

And if anyone still disagrees, there is plenty of space for saboteurs in the Tower of London.

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Still boxed Brexit listed for auction on Ebay

LCD Views can report this morning of a total bargain to bid for on famous auction site Ebay with the listing by an anonymous account of an unopened Brexit.

The Brexit, still in its box, has been listed at £200M per week as a reserve price and can apparently be shipped to a tax haven anywhere in the world, UK addresses, Trump Towers or the Kremlin for a large additional fee detailed as fintech, aerospace, agriculture, auto-manufacturing, the NHS, dreams of faded glory and self respect.

“The image is a little blurry,” our internet shopping expert advises, “the box is scuffed so far as we can tell. It says ‘each Brexit has never been opened’ in the listing detail, but if you look closely you can tell someone has opened the box, closed it and re-sealed it with enough tape to sink a battleship.”

There is a ‘buy it now’ option, and the seller states with confidence that “17.4M people have already bought an individual Brexit, bought it hook, line and sinker”.

“Returns are possible, apparently,” our experts continues, “but the seller advises the purchased Brexit must be returned to your local MP’s constituency office via letter or in person. And if necessary by peaceful street protest for weeks on end in the autumn of this year as the car industry burns to the ground.”

Apparently the bidding for the Brexit was initially ferocious, but the number of people is dropping away the longer the auction goes on.

“I’m a bit surprised Ebay has even allowed the listing to be honest,” our expert muses, “it’s clearly a dodgy product that won’t work as sold. It also says batteries are not included, but in spite of googling I can’t find any information on Brexit batteries, how much power one needs to hold in the Lords, best battery life, costs or where to purchase one?”

How many working parts does it have?

“None. But I did find an image of the components. There’s a shed load of racism and stupid in each Brexit. I wouldn’t bid for one if I were you. Apparently it smells of dead fish.”

Yeah well, the people have had enough of experts.

“Stupid people still have, yes. But many are also waking up to how they were sold something dodgy and are beginning to return it en masse.”

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How to break a country and attempt to get away with it

INT    VOTE LEAVE HQ    NIGHT

“The middle of the night 24/06/16”

A big blonde man in a dishevelled suit coat relaxes on a leather sofa. Tie askew. He has riding lycra on his lower half. His hair looks like bed hair.

He’s holding a magazine, “Posh Reader’s Wives : On the buses edition”.

The cover is a woman in knee high riding boots. She holds a riding crop and snarls raunchingly over her shoulder. She is on top of a big red bus in the grounds of a stately home.

Big Blonde Man

”Wha ho!”

He flicks the page quickly.

Big Blonde Man

”Hey! Hey!”

Another man comes into view. Smaller. Shifty looking. He paces. This is Small Man.

Big Blonde Man

”Get a look at this damsel in distress! Tied to a ship’s mast. Let’s beat off the pirates Mickey! Huzzah!”

Small Man ignores him. He crosses to a mirror and practises smiling. It’s a grimace. He has something stuck to his teeth. He picks at it. It’s on his finger nail. He examines it.

CLOSE ON

See what was on his tooth. Go in close. It’s a photo of Rupert Murdoch. When we pull back it’ll be A4 size.

Small Man folds the photo and tucks it away in his pocket.

Big Blonde Man

”By golly! I know this one. This is old…what’s her name? I bedded her at Oxford and her sister and her cousins and her aunt and her mother, I think? Or was it her twin and her great aunt and her former nanny’s ex-riding instructor?”

Small Man

”This isn’t the time!”

Big Blonde Man

”Virgin.”

Big Blonde Man turns the magazine around to show a woman dressed as Elizabeth Ist holding a model Elizabethan ship.

Big Blonde Man

“Don’t worry Mickey. A narrow win for Remain by the morning and the bus tour goes on and on!”

Small Man

”We’re going to win the EU referendum you high wire idiot. While you’ve been looking up old conquests I’ve been studying the numbers..”

Big Blonde Man

”Sailing close to the breeze! That’s all! But we’ll come through!”

Small Man

”You big, bouncing blonde pillock. Do you want to be prime minister or not? If we win we’re screwed. Holes below the waterline. The ship of state run aground. I told you to throw the last TV debate, but you couldn’t help yourself.”

Big Blonde Man slowly and carefully rolls the magazine into a cylinder.

Big Blonde Man

”It’s your fault if we do. The people have had enough of experts? What in God’s testicles was that?”

Small Man retreats as Big Blonde Man rises from the sofa holding the rolled magazine like a club.

They lock eyes as Small Man moves to put a chair between them.

Big Blonde Man lunges swinging. They scuffle. Play “Benny Hill Show” theme music.

The door opens a fraction and a trembling hand extends a piece of paper into the room. The scuffle halts. It wasn’t going well for Small Man.

“52/48 – Leave win!” is written large upon the paper.

Small Man (from underneath Big Blonde Man’s bum)

”It’s okay. No one will take a margin of victory that slight to mean anything but Leave demanding the result is implemented and the prime minister saying he’ll explore the advice. Long grass. We can still grow the long grass and shove Brexit into it. David will know what to do.”

Big Blonde Man

“I’m going to use this narrow victory to batter his blue balls black. I’ll be prime minister in a month. You wait until old Rees-mogg and the other ERG sociopaths start firing off letters to the 1922 committee demanding a leadership contest because Dave won’t trigger Article 50.”

Small Man

“We’ll drag him from Downing Street kicking and screaming. I’ll be chancellor by the end of the month.”

Big Blonde Man

“I thought you wanted to be secretary of state for the environment?”

Small Man

“Don’t joke. Now is not the time.”

A second piece of paper is extended into the room.

“David Cameron has quit!”

Big Blonde Man chases Small Man around the room. Play that Benny Hill music.

A Big Breasted Blonde in a red bus costume enters the room and Big Blonde Man chases her. She gets mixed up with them.

A Policeman with his whistle. Get him in there.

Vladimir Putin lookalike. Throw him in.

Nigel Farage in a Hitler costume. Him too.

Donald Trump in a baby’s nappy. He’s got a rattle. Let’s have him.

Queen Elizabeth II looks into the room. She’s wearing that EU flag hat. She shakes her head and turns around.

FADE TO

Press conference. Michael Gove and Boris Johnson on the morning of Leave’s victory. You’ve never seen two men more disappointed to win.

Michael Gove (whisper to Boris Johnson)

“We’re so screwed.”

Boris Johnson

“Take back control Mickey. We’ve got to take back control.”