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Satan protests Pope’s austerity measures

Pope Francis’s claims that Hell doesn’t exist has raised a lot of eyebrows and caused quite a stir already, but the latest reaction beats them all, coming as it does from the Devil himself.

Speaking at a press conference, he made the following statement:

“This time, this Pope has gone too far,” he said. “You know, I actually thought for once the Catholic Church had picked an OK bloke for their top job on Earth, maybe this one might actually make it to Heaven, but he’s just crossed a line, and if he thinks he can put me and my demons out of work, he’s in for a shock. At least he will be when he joins his predecessors down here!”

Wait a minute, is he saying there are Popes in Hell?

“Oh yes! We’ve got a lot of clergy of all faiths of course, priests, imams, rabbis, preying on people’s superstitions over the ages, selling indulgences, telling people they could buy their way into Heaven. God went through the roof when that one happened. And whose job is it to deal with these turbulent priests? Me and my staff.”

This begged the question of how they are being tormented.

“Well, the scale varies depending on the seniority of the clergyman in question. Obviously the Popes being the most senior you can get, they get the worst punishment. They’re all eternally eight months pregnant. Apart from a couple of the really nasty ones who are eternally in labour, and the babies are all coming out feet first.”

That sounds painful.

“Absolutely. You should hear them whinge about fluid retention and varicose veins, it’s a hoot! Now, as it stands, that’s what he’s in line for when he snuffs it.”

Here at LCD Views we wish the Pope and the Devil a speedy resolution to their differences.

The UK is already negotiating a trade deal to supply Old Nick with vast quantities of British sulphur.

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Man’s afterlife plans thrown into disarray by Pope

Nigel Farage vented his fury through the night on LBC’s ‘hate-everyone’ slot after Pope Francis threw his afterlife plans into disarray.

”This is just the sort of elitist, metropolitan, out of touch statement I expect from Brussels,” Nigel ranted, “it’s another reason to leave the corrupt, tyrannical, dogmatic, spiritually overbearing EU Holy Cee as soon as possible.

Honest, hardworking, British tithe payers can then send all their money and unanswered prayers directly to me. Or straight to the tax haven of their choice.

This will allow me to launch myself as a born again evangelical TV preacher who is damn sure about the existence of an eternal Christian hell where everyone, and make no mistake, everyone who doesn’t believe in me goes straight to Hell.”

It’s believed this will also help Nigel’s next attempt to crack America as a hate preacher.

When queried later and informed that he was conflating Brussels and the entirely unrelated matter of the Pope’s recent announcement that Hell doesn’t exist, Mr Farage was having none of it.

”People have had enough of experts.” he hit back, “expect for self-appointed ones like myself who just make things up to suit their agenda on any given day.

I have been told to go to Hell more times than any living British man who made sure to get an EU passport as soon as possible after the advisory, gerrymandered EUref.

I’ve a bag packed and I fully expect to go and party with Richard Nixon, Hitler, Vlad the Impaler and anyone else I can find down there the next time the Grim Reaper makes a play for me.”

Asked about his assertion in relation to Mr Farage, the Pope replied,

”I may have been a little hasty. I’m sure there is a special room set aside for Mr Farage for eternity.”

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Government under fire over plans to replace emergency services with affirmations

The government is under renewed fire today over Home Office plans to replace emergency services with affirmations.

”I don’t really see what all the fuss is about,” acting prime minister Theresa May said, while attempting to convince a terrified child to approach her, “Amber and I have worked very hard on the phrases. They’re sure to be stable and certain in emergency situations.”

The prime minister paused a moment, picking up a chair by its back and attempting to pin one squirmy boy to the wall.

”Stop running away. That’s an order from your commander in chief! Haven’t these children been sedated for the photo op? They’re supposed to be e’ing off their heads by now. Who wants a cuddle? Come on you little brats.”

But when quizzed over how replacing the entire fire brigade with an affirmation was going to work, the acting prime minister attempted to divert the discussion to economics.

”Just think of the saving to the public purse? All those ghastly and expensive, brawny, uniformed, common chaps replaced by one well brought up fellow saying ‘this house is not on fire’ over and over. The house will soon come to believe its new reality and the fire extinguish itself. It will free up millions for tax relief for my husband’s clients.”

The ambulance service will be similarly reorganised. ‘My leg is still attached’. Although people will have to phone a new premium rate line in order to receive a tailor made affirmation. Average wait time is expected to be less than one week.

”If you come home to find your house being ransacked by a ner-do-well you simply invoke the phrase ‘my possession are my f*cking possessions and I’ll have your child’s lunch while I’m at it’. It’s going to make police response times the best in the world.”

And at last, with that, Ms May pinned the child to the wall.

”Quick! Get the photo before I faint from the stink.”

LCD Views commends the government’s original thinking. We believe this is a strong policy that all can unite behind.

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Frog in a boiling pot goes on tour of United Kingdom

LCD Views has the pleasure to be the first to announce that a well known and highly regarded frog in a boiling pot of water has gone on a UK wide tour.

“We thought it’s best to take the frog on the road now,” specialist animal handler JRM told LCD Views, “as I fancy I’m going to put the lid on the pot any day now. I’ve been trying to train it with gradual increases in heat, but each time I think it’s going to do exactly as I order, well, it tries to jump out of the water. I’m about done with it.”

Still, while the frog remains it will be sure to impress people in all the nations of the optimistically named United Kingdom.

“I have taught it to croak out some lovely phrases,” JRM informs us, “people said you can’t teach a frog to speak, but we’ve proven them wrong. If the flame nudges up in intensity every day, just a little bit, it’s amazing what you can teach a captive, but limited, intellect to say.”

Strong and united is apparently the latest effort.

“It’s hilarious. Sometimes I weep a little with mirth when I consider the accuracy needed to make every statement the frog croaks out immediately self-contradictory. It’s like an attempt to put the fire out in a burning house merely by affirmation.”

But shouldn’t the frog have croaked it by now, given the heat of the water?

“Well, to be honest, I don’t think my little beauty quite understands how hot the water is. Denial is a vital part of the act.”

The tour is expected to be brief, but only because so few people could be pre-arranged to come and smile at what is now just an exercise in cruelty.

“It’s my speciality,” JRM adds, “just imagine me as prime minister one day?”

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BBC to resume coverage of Brexit on ceefax

The BBC has responded to recent criticism of its coverage of Brexit by asking viewers a question, “What coverage?”

“The question was just a joke,” Radio4 Today programme producer Sarah Sands followed up, “do you know if you google my name you’ll find I spent my career in tabloids before joining the BBC at a crucial time in the Brexit process.

You can also find me having lunch with Rupert Murdoch, Liam Fox, Farage, Banks and others. But that’s not really relevant to my announcement today.”

But what is relevant is the surge of relief that will be felt amongst the increasing volume of license fee players who believe,

“The BBC has totally gone to pot. Taken over by the government and turned into a propaganda service.”

What leverage has the government used?

”Threats to our independence and funding. You know a key function of most governments is to lie to the voter?”

Within acceptable limits? Surely there is a limit between making space while an administration works out how it screwed something up and outright bs?

”Not at the moment! You funny little peasant.”

Great. Channel 4 and even Sky are currently doing better than you a lot of the time now on Brexit. Huffington Post and other new players too. Oh, and don’t forget Carole Cadwalladr, she’s owning it right now on Cambridge Analytica.

”On what? Did you hear John Humphrys read out the bus timetables of his youth for an hour this morning?”

So how are you going to respond to the criticisms?

”We’re certainly not going to do it by clearing out all the old men at the BBC who are helping make a success of Brexit!”

But as Brexit unravels your coverage gets worse and more obviously one sided. It can’t go on.

”I know. That’s why I’m taking Rupert Murdoch’s genius suggestion and we’ll now be running any non-positive Brexit stories with rigorous analysis on a dedicated service. It’s too important a time in the life of our country to ignore it any longer.”

Oh thank god. What channel?

”Ceefax!”

”But Ceefax ceased in 2012!”

“Precisely. Just key in the 000’s. All the zeroes.”

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UK to lose tug of war as both UK teams are on one side

Breaking news from the world of sports this evening says the smart money is betting on the United Kingdom to lose the tug of war it is currently waging as both U.K. teams are on one side.

LCD Views spoke to Emily Thorn-should-be-in-Tory-neocon-coup-Brexit-side to find out more.

”I go home and scream into my bathroom sink each night,” she told us,

“I’m just packing it over the fear of deselection by Momentum now.

My doctor said he sees the early signs of Stockholm Syndrome afflicting me too, just like poor lost Keir.

But I’m sure blah, blah, blah Momentum with their fanatical insistence on adherence to dogma will look after me if I just do what they say, like all the other MPs who are so removed in life experience from real threats to the United Kingdom that they have no idea what to do in the face of a coup of parliament by tax haven serving thugs.”

It’s not surprising the opposition is so confused, as the tug of war is actually an usual three way contest, and there are more tugs of war happening at once than usual.

”It’s bloody puzzling,” Emily continued, “we’re supposed to just be tugging hard at the governing party, but my own party is run by a bunch of old men now who missed the boat Castro was on and think they can swim out to it now in a Lexit row boat. So they’re actually tugging with Theresa May the puppet and hoping to push her into the mud at the last tug.”

It’s not going to work, is it?

”No. The EU have the 21st Century on its team and they’re going to totally stuff us. But what can you do? Except try and make the best of it?”

You can remember as an elected representative you’re supposed to be protecting the United Kingdom from clear and obvious destruction. You’re supposed to put country before party.

”Oh you thought criminal you. You’re totally for it when my good, good, we never deselect me friends take over from the lying, cheating con artists currently in power.”

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New Northern Powerhouse initiative to retrain coal miners as data miners

The Northern Powerhouse is being rebooted. Unemployed coal miners from across the North are going to be retrained as social media data miners.

Minister Bernard Castle spoke to LCD’s Out In The Sticks correspondent about this exciting new development.

“We all know how many lost their jobs as the coal mining industry was closed down,” he explained. “They were promised new opportunities, and we are delivering on that promise. It is a price well worth paying for progress.”

Tell that to the miners. How can you describe the deliberate destruction of a thriving industry in order to negate the power of the Trade Unions, as progress?

“It led directly to Brexit,” he babbled. “If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is!”

But the Unions gave ordinary people a direct political voice, which the Thatcher government removed.

“Yes, but it was the wrong voice,” said Castle, speaking slowly as if to somebody stupid. “People need to be guided in the correct way of thinking and speaking. They were helped to decide, unanimously, that we should leave the EU. Which brings us back nicely to data mining.”

New opportunities, only 30 years late. Please explain how old men, once adept with pick and shovel, could be utilised to infiltrate social media accounts and analyse personal data.

“One type of mining is much the same as another,” declared Castle. “I went to the North once, so I should know! It’s all about extraction and delivery. Data mining just uses sharper, more high-tech tools. And old men are perfectly social media savvy! Look at any Brexit thread on Facepamphlet. You can spot them by the lack of punctuation, grammar and logic which are the proud products of leaving school at 14.”

The Power in the Northern Powerhouse will be supplied by power stations running on cheap Chinese coal, while rich seams of British coal lie untouched. Newcastle is expecting daily shipments.

The no-longer ex-miners will be paid according to how many floating voters they can persuade to their point of view. They will receive daily guidance from a shadowy figure in Cambridge known only as “Old Nix”.

Subverting the uncertain Will of the People. That’s a jobs first Brexit for you.

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BBC to focus solely on mouse in the room until the elephant buggers off from boredom

Brexit was always a case of smoke and mirrors. Our national, and supposedly impartial, broadcaster, the BBC, has a duty to investigate this and report the truth.

It is, of course, entirely coincidental that the government would like the state-funded broadcaster to look the other way when it suits them.

There are serious issues at stake here. If Brexit is to succeed, then trade deals, border controls and immigration worries must be resolved. These require delicate and detailed negotiations, not sleight-of-hand. Our government is neither delicate nor detailed. Its Empire-sized ego has made promises it cannot possibly deliver upon. Nothing concrete, just tooth-rotting quantities of fudge.

Take that, EU bullies!

Ironically, it is the attention to detail and practicalities that the EU has shown which are doing the most damage to the UK’s cause. Our desire to escape EU bureaucracy is foundering upon EU bureaucracy.

Anti-Brexit marches have taken place. You wouldn’t know this from the BBC. The People are speaking, but the BBC is not listening.

Instead, the BBC is gratefully obsessing about Russians, gleefully distracting attention from matters closer to home. A cynic may well wonder if the Skripal poisonings were ordered by High Command for this very reason.

This is distraction theory. It allows the BBC to focus on the mouse in the room at the expense of the elephant.

There it is! Focus, people! Focus!

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg loftily informs the cave-dwellers that there is no such thing as mammoths, before setting off on a mission to hunt for ivory.

“I’m getting bored of being ignored,” said the elephant, coincidentally named Donald Tusk. “I’m going to deposit another massive load of poo in the House of Commons. Then I’m packing my trunk and saying goodbye to the circus. I’m going to bugger off and take up residence in the BBC newsroom for a bit. Someone might notice me then!”

It is a third coincidence that elephants are scared of mice. Which, presumably, is another reason why the mouse was released into the room in the first place.

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Man feeling better after spending time with his nanny

A man who has been elected to parliament, because of a comedy routine which got right out of hand, is said to be feeling better this morning after spending time with his nanny.

“I was seeing cavemen everywhere I looked,” the man told LCD Views, “not cavewomen because they are home in the cave where they should be, having cave babies. And they are to have those cave babies regardless of circumstances.

It’s their cave duty to cave God. So not them, but these scary cavemen waving about these big ugly democracy clubs.

Apparently there were tens of thousands roaming the streets of our hamlets on the weekend and without their betters permission! It’s very much my worst nightmare. Uncontrolled poor people.”

It’s believed the man has suffered from this anxiety over cavemen, or commoners as he also refers to them, ever since realising that not everyone is born with massive wealth into a chumocracy and the instinctive ability to know what is best for their inferiors.

“It’s pretty frightening stuff. All these jealous people want my silver spoon. This is why I keep it where I found it when I was born. It is my earnest hope we can get back to a time where only people born owning everything they see are entrusted to make decisions on behalf of the cave dwellers.

You know, decisions like taking away any form of support they receive out of the mistaken belief that accident of birth is a joker. Accident of birth worked out very well for me. These malcontents need to learn to have better accidents.”

So deep was the concern over the sheer number of cave dwellers who had left their caves to come out and demand their democracy behaves like a democracy, the man had to go to his safe place.

“Nanny is always there for me,” the man added, “I need her terribly much. No more so than on days when the political project I’ve put myself front and centre of in order to get even richer through creating a big calamity in the caves appears under threat.

Not only because it’s based on absolute lies, and by conning as many cave dwellers as possible, but because those lies are now being exposed before we’ve finished manufacturing the calamity! Silly Cambridge Analytica! I’m very glad my Auntie is not reporting on it.”

The man looked flushed and started to sniffle then. So we asked his nanny for comment.

“There, there Jacob poos,” Nanny said, “cavemen aren’t really real. Not anymore. There. There. Once you’ve finished your little Brexit you can start restricting their ability to vote. Won’t that be nice too?”

 

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Boris denies having an affair with adult movie star Drizzly Daniels

Revelations about Boris’s murky past have made the news, as a former lover kisses and tells. Adult movie star Drizzly Daniels claims she had a brief affair with Boris back in the 1980s.

“I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met Boris,” Drizzly told LCD’s Bonking Boris correspondent. “This big, blond chap picked me out, said he would shake me up, and turn me into someone new.”

Did you want him?

“Not particularly. But I was intrigued,” she replied. “He would give me a fresh start, and I would give him what he wanted.”

Which was?

“He wanted me to wibble with his fol-de-rol, then treat him to a Drizzly Special.”

What’s a Drizzly Special?

“You’ll have to watch my movies to find that out!”

Fair enough.

“So we got down to business. Only he forgot his side of the bargain,” she said, a little bitterly. “He told me he was going to be big. That much is true. But even then I knew I could find a much better place, either with or without Boris. He dropped me faster than a Brexit promise.”

Drizzly revealed that she has been instructed to keep quiet about the affair. “I was told to keep schtum about the gagging order,” she said. “Boris doesn’t want people to know he’s into bondage.”

In London, Boris denied the rumours categorically. “I’ve heard of Drizzly Daniels, yes, yes, yes, who hasn’t?” he stammered. “Quite a hero of mine in my youth. And yes, there were so many cocktail bars, so many waitresses. Well, it was the eighties, wasn’t it? Porsches, red braces and money to burn!”

But did you ever meet Drizzly?

“No, no, no, absofurtingly not!” he retorted. “Anyone who says that I’m into all that Drizzly stuff is a cad and a bounder! Good day to you!”

So, who should we believe? A flaky, cynical chancer, or Drizzly Daniels?