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Farage and Hoey to dump entire British fishing industry in Thames 29/03/19

EXT   WESTMINSTER   MORNING

The Thames is lit like a Turner. The colours of the sun splashed across the rippling water as if the artist himself has painted it. Fiery reds. Warm oranges.

A tall ship struggles against the outgoing tide in front of the Palace of Westminster.

Its sails are ragged. It lists to one side as if taking on water.

Two figures stand at the prow. A man and a woman. The woman has climbed onto the prow as the man holds her around the waist. They are remaking the famous scene from ‘Titanic’.

CLOSE ON

The woman and the man. KATE HOEY and NIGEL FARAGE.

NIGEL FARAGE is smoking. Great clouds of smoke envelope KATE HOEY. She struggles to keep her balance. She struggles to breathe.

KATE HOEY

“Bloody hell Nigel. As if the Brut aftershave you’ve drowned yourself in isn’t enough.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“Christ. Why the hell did you hire a boat without a bar on it?”

KATE HOEY

“Shouldn’t the fish have been here by now? I can’t stand much more of this.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“I’ve told them there’s a fish market at Westminster today. There they are.”

PULL BACK

Look upstream from the tall ship. See the river full of all manner of ageing fishing boats. Regional flags tells us they come from every coastal region of the United Kingdom.

KATE HOEY

“Can we get a move on sinking this gullible lot? I’ve got to attend the inaugural chicken de-cholorination festival in an hour.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“One by one they float down here. One by one I’ll sink them. Fe fi fo fum, I smell the tears of an Englishman.”

One boat moves forward from the rest. We hear its engine struggling as it pulls alongside the tall ship.

A FISHERMAN who looks like a ghost points mutely at the crates of fish on his deck. He’s missing fingers. There’s so many fish.

FISHERMAN

“Ready when you are Mr Farage.”

NIGEL FARAGE begins to laugh. He’s so amused he starts hacking a smoker’s cough. He can barely breathe.

He releases KATE HOEY.

CLOSE ON

KATE HOEY flaps her arms madly. It looks like she’s going to fall into the water.

KATE HOEY

“Nigel you reptilian shit. Catch me.”

Slowly, so slowly, NIGEL FARAGE reaches out through his hacking and gives KATE HOEY a shove.

END SCENE

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Corbyn supporters fall hook line and sinker for plot to keep novichok story playing

Saint Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters have fallen hook, line and sinker for the Tory government plot to keep the novichok story playing.

”It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” Boris Johnson MP told LCD Views while hiding in our office from his wife, “the people who back Jezza are like the people who still back Brexit. It’s a faith based position. No wrong thought allowed. I don’t still back Brexit by the way, but I’m kinda nailed to the cross on that one, for now.”

Mr Johnson goes on to explain, while ducking down under the window, that,

”I’m unsackable. Think of all the ghastly crap I’ve done just since becoming Secretary of State for making the U.K. look ridiculous?”

We do. Constantly.

”I’ll leave post when I think it’s time to knife the Maybot in the back, chest, face and wherever else I fancy when I make my final bid to be PM.”

This depends on how you gauge Rees-Mogg?

”Correct. Fantabulous.”

So you cant be sacked by May if Porton Down contradicts some definitive statements of yours over the Skripal case?

”She didn’t sack me when I adlibbed on Nazanin and made her hot pot hotter. In another age and time my goose was cooked. But not in the kingdom of lies.”

So you’re saying the news that Porton Down not being able to verify the nerve agent was made in Russia is just another Tory dead cat on the table?

”Of course!” Boris accidentally stood and then ducked again, “his supporters are so fanatical, so desperate to counter the right wing press smears they’ll grab at anything. They’re falling right into the trap and doing the work for us!

You think a Daily Mail reader is going to believe the truth?

Amd how the hell can Porton Down prove it without access to Russian labs?

This buys us days of distraction regarding Cambridge Analytica. Time to rub out more of the trail. What! What!”

Well that makes sense.

”Nothing makes sense,” Boris winked, “Thats the Putin playbook.”

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Downing Street to test Irish Border solutions by imposing a border between Camden and Westminster

Downing Street was so on the front foot today they were a few steps ahead of themselves and in danger of tripping themselves up as they announced they are testing solutions to the Irish Border puzzle by imposing a border between Camden and Westminster.

“It’s going to rock,” David Davis said, making a rare public appearance away from the subsidised Common bar, “I was having a swift one with Boris, well, it was more like ten, but that’s by the by, and he got out a fag packet and was going to throw it in the bin.”

Mr Davis intervened.

“I said, Boris, I’ve got a pencil and we can solve the Irish Border solution right now and save Brexit.”

What did Boris say?

“He wasn’t really paying attention. He was eyeing up this blonde filly in a corner and wondering if he was supposed to be running to her or away from her.”

But a few shots of tequila later?

“We did it. As my brain fizzed I knew it was obvious. We needed a guinea pig to test solutions out on.”

You’ve got the entire United Kingdom as a guinea pig though?

“Yes, but we’re in danger of terminating that experiment early. We need a smaller guinea pig. Like a micro guinea pig. Or just a little one.”

So that is how you hit on the Camden and Westminster border idea?

“I should hire you. You’re ahead of the story at each step,” Mr Davis swayed, “send me your CV. Or better yet, find out if you’re related to anyone in the cabinet. It’s a lot faster to screen new employees that way.”

So what’s the first test?

“The hard border. Military installations and concrete walls and barbed wire and machine gun nests. Pretty much how we expect the Irish border to look by 2025 once the organised crime gets involved in smuggling when we’re out of the customs union.”

Won’t that make for congestion in central London?

“Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought. There won’t be any congestion if no one can move between Camden and Westminster. It will actually improve traffic flows in London.”

But the hard border won’t work.

“Yes it will. People will just go to the end of it and drive around. It’s bloody genius. We impose a border. We keep the DUP happy and life goes on as usual.”

But they won’t be able to drive around the hard border on the border of Ireland.

“Don’t send me your CV,” Davis sighed, “you haven’t even heard of boats.”

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U.K. customs officers begin training for post Brexit US food imports in full uniform

A blow for fifth column Brexit saboteurs today with the announcement from the Home Office that U.K. border force customs officers have begun training for post Brexit US food imports in full uniform.

”This will stuff those who say we aren’t preparing for life after Brexit right up,” Liz Truss said, in a joint statement released and read by Priti Patel.

”And what’s more no one can accuse your government of wasting hard earned taxpayer’s cash on the uniform design, as we’ve looked backwards for inspiration,” Priti Truss continued, “which is about as Brexit as you can get.”

The medieval plague doctor look is certainly flash.

We asked our resident fashion correspondent to comment on both the design and utility of the swish outfits.

“The new uniforms are certainly eye catching. They feature a classic fedora style hat and a beaked face mask that is certain to have any customs officer, no matter their length of time in post, feeling confident in their work,” Gary Searchlight commented.

The beaks come in varying sizes too, and can be chosen depending on the food being inspected.

”If for instance it’s American hormone stuffed chicken breasts then a long beak can be worn,” Gary reassured, “or if it’s Aussie beef, perhaps a shorter beak.”

And what are the beaks made from?

All beaks are made from one hundred percent British tanned leather and lacquered at a new site purpose built in Pembrokeshire.”

This will help see off complaints that Brexit will mean cheaper clothing imports from abroad at the expense of home manufacturers too?

”Quite right. With one exception.”

Which is?

”The beaks for inspecting Chinese origin, antibiotic soaked pork have been sourced from Chernobyl, as only the native woodpeckers of the famous region have mutated long enough beaks for that task.”

I’m sure no one will complain about a little international trade.

”It’s why we have to leave the EU,” Gary agreed, “we can’t comtinue to base our entire economy just on Cornish pasty exports to France.”

And how will the money saved on the design be spent?

”By Dominic Raab, on maps.”

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Australian Cricket Board agree to buy all sandpaper from UK post Brexit in exchange for hormone treated beef

The first great trade deal of Global Britain has already been struck. Australia has agreed to supply beef in exchange for British ball-tampering technology.

The mainstream press have pounced upon the story, in order to avoid reporting any news. Who cares that a small, noisy group of people is feeding anti-Corbyn stories to all and sundry? What does it matter that Brexit is failing? Let’s slag off the Aussies instead.

Liam Fox was understandably jubilant on all fronts. “My tickets to the Ashes were well worth the money the taxpayer forked out for them,” he crowed. “England showed them how to cheat without being found out.”

But England lost the series 4-0.

“But nobody saw them cheat!” replied Fox. “Now the Aussies ripped the ball to shreds and mended it with gaffer tape. It worked, but wasn’t exactly subtle, was it? British sandpaper, concealed in a pocket, is the way to do it!”

Tell us how the trade deal came about.

“I was chatting to my Aussie counterpart during the lunch interval,” Fox disclosed. “The beef was excellent, much better than ours. So I offered him the chance to cheat undetectably at cricket in exchange for as much delicious meat as he could spare. He agreed, and I swelled visibly with pride!”

Maybe that was just the hormones.

British beef has lost popularity recently. Cattle raised in cold, damp Britain yield tough, tasteless meat. Aussie beef, from cattle raised on sunshine and hormones, tastes of success, albeit fraudulently obtained.

A perfect metaphor for Brexit, then.

John Bull, of the Beef and Bullshit Corporation (BBC), was not happy.

“Why are we doing this?” he moaned. “British people should eat British food. Even if it is expensive and tastes of cardboard. It’s like our passports being produced in France. I thought we had got our country back!”

Empire Beef, as it has been branded, will be available as soon as England have regained the Ashes from the cheating colonials.

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Easter over bakers go back to making cold, passive aggressive buns

The Easter holiday over bakers across the United Kingdom have gone back to making cold, passive aggressive buns.

“It’s a lot easier,” G Reggs told LCD Views food specialist, “do you realise how fiddly it is to get the crosses on buns while they’re still hot? It’s always near impossible to get the last nail in. Especially if you really put yourself into your baking like I do. I try and get my partner to help, but they just bang on what’s wrong with a pair of baps? It normally descends into an argument then.”

But while bakers across the land may have happily stopped producing the Easter speciality, for at least a week or two, many have other reasons to be relieved.

“I’m fed up trying to find hot cross buns with easta baked into them,” B Iffa told LCD Views, “so I can make proper easter treats by shoving them inside an EASTA EGG. If you can’t mash your personal idea of religion based on a delusion of hate and ethnicity into jingoistic bullshit, it makes it harder to spread the butter. I never get the butter to spread right when I’m not heating up the butter knife with my internal confusions and rage.”

Asked if they expect sales to drop for a few days in the wake of Easter, G Reggs was upbeat.

“I’m going to start selling Christmas mince pies sometime next week, I’m getting a jump on Sainsburys this year, they’re not churning out the Christmas lines till June this year. Slow coaches. And I’m making the Halloween themed breads this morning.”

So while some may have to wait a few weeks for the hot cross buns to return, it should at least make early morning marital disputes over breakfast easier to negotiate.

Here, have a pack of cold, passive aggressive buns. They’re good all year.

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British fish applying for EU passports in record numbers

Michael Gove MP is promising a catch all reprisal today after reports that proper British fish are applying for EU passports in record numbers.

”Entire shoals of herring have gained Austrian citizenship last week alone,” Mr Gove blurted unfathoming, “schools of cod are currently waiting expectantly outside the Cypriot embassy in Mayfair, London. It’s an outrage. I don’t even know if cod can survive in the warmer waters of the Aegean?”

Reports are also filtering up from the deep that loch based salmon are joining the ranks of other fish making a beeline for the Maltese embassy in Balquhidder, Scotland, to apply for citizenship, along with trout and that most British of fish, the long nosed wafflesnozzer.

”Can fish even make a beeline?” Mr Gove demanded, “when I accepted the promotion to my current chairwarming at the Ministry of Pretending Mickey Cares About Green Stuff, I was told all stocks of British fish were potatoes. I mean potatriots. We will be scaling back freedom of movement for fish. If it’s good enough for 65 million British people to lose, it’s good enough for fish.”

While it’s not clear exactly what measures Mr Gove can take to curtail the freedom to roam of that most mobile of shared resources, Mr Gove is promising,

”a sea wall, most likely, starting at John O’Groats and going right around the entire U.K. to Lands End.”

The wall will be “unscaleable” according to Gove and most likely be built just behind the sand dunes, on the land to “stop British fish accessing the sea before they attempt to flee to foreign nets, regardless of where Westminster allocated and or sold fishing quotas to non-British commercial operations.”

Asked for a response to Mr Gove’s proposal a representative of proper British trout responded,

”I go great with chips,” before adding, “we intend to protest any restrictive measures placed on our migratory patterns by hurling Nigel Farage’s German burgundy passport into a google search for five seconds, as that’s about all it takes to debunk any nonsense a Brexiter spouts.”

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EU denies new EU flag design chosen just to wind up inglish nationalists

English nationalists are fuming’ today and threatening to invade somewhere after the European Union revealed the winning entry of the competition to design the new EU flag for 2020 and beyond.

“We believe the flag and its many Saint George crosses will best symbolise our desire to take over the world,” competition organiser Philip Joshingman told LCD Views, “all the years the english nationalists have been right about us of course. So we are taking their favourite flag first, as part of our tyrannical conquest of the United Kingdom. We believe it’s the best way to honour the contribution they make to world peace and harmony in communities.”

Legislation has already been passed by the European parliament in an entirely undemocratic fashion of voting by MEP’s stating that all buildings, government or civic or private residential ( and takeaway food outlets) in all EU member states must fly the new flag at all times from 2020, in line with the new EU budget release.

“Of course we understand that some Westminster politicians, especially those who support Brexit, may claim that adopting a flag first used in the Kent city of Genoa in the 13th century, maybe seen as a provocation of Downing Street, especially as it will almost certainly be just be United England before long,” Joshingman continued, “but I want to reassure those types that this is nothing of the sort. In fact the highest density of votes for the new flag design originated in Thanet and were all filled out by the same hand.

Also, the inclusion of the tiny old EU flag in the top left is a nice touch, so England can remember the peace project it choose to leave in order to please neocon capitalists.”

But what about beyond 2020? Won’t it be confusing for Brexit England to see European Union buildings flying a flag that only belongs to them and most of the rest of the world?

“Well, they can always adopt a new design,” Joshingman replied, “I would suggest enlarge your unicorns. But it’s no great worry, once the transition period out of the European Union is complete, I suspect everyone in the United Kingdom will be flying an American flag with a Donald Trump in the middle of it holding an antibiotic stuffed chicken by the breast? No?”

LCD Views would like to congratulate the winning designer, a Mr M. Gove, and we look forward to seeing the new European Union flag flying over the door of our favourite dirty chicken shop from 2020, when we duck in for a box of filth, knowing we really shouldn’t.

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Boris promises post-Brexit productivity boost by reintroducing the three day week

Boris has promised this reduction in working hours in response to the latest statistics. Manufacturing is shrinking and prices are rising. As usual, there is a madness to Boris’s method.

“Tourism is vital to the economy,” he gibbered. “With a four-day weekend, we can all spend time and money in Cornwall! Boost the economy and have one’s hols at the same time!”

But working shorter hours means less pay. Nobody will be able to afford the price of a Cornish holiday.

“Nonsense, pish and tush, my dear fellow,” Boris burbled. “We will simply work smarter!”

Those of us who remember the 1970s will remember hardship and power cuts.

“Ooo! They were great fun!” waffled Boris. “We all remember Nanny and the butler scrabbling for candles in the pantry. At least that’s what Father told me they were doing.”

Power cuts are a distinct possibility, since new trade deals must be struck to import the Chinese coal and Arabian oil we need to keep the lights on. Transition means endless delays and deferments.

It will become mandatory for all citizens to carry emergency candles. There is, apparently, no truth in the rumour that the three day week is being promoted by Candlestick Analytica.

We sought the opinion of Work & Pensions secretary Esther McVey. She was in the Westminster dungeons forcing Anna Soubry to write out “Brexit Means Brexit” a million times.

“Sounds like a plan,” she agreed, cracking her whip. “We will, of course, also have to ration food as a precaution. Your blue passport will entitle you to collect a pint of gruel every week, whether you need it or not.”

McVey returned to the party whip.

“Random power cuts are a small price to pay for our independence and freedom,” she commented. “Write that down too, Soubry!”

Hold A Candle For Freedom is destined to be the next government slogan.

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MOD move all Leave EU memes to Porton Down

The Ministry of Defence has taken action today and moved all Leave EU memes to their secure facility at Porton Down, as they’re now just so toxic.

“This move has been planned for some time,” MOD spokesman, General Wtfis Williamson, told LCD Views, “as the risk to public safety from the hate and racism and bile is nearing the level of a spoonful of Russian nerve agent.

Leave EU itself is probably a Russian nerve agent in campaign form, but that’s a question for another day to do with murky money trails.”

It’s believed the action has been taken now to stop the spread of any further memes.

“You see all the islamophobia going around? That’s Brexit,” the general explained, “that’s Leave EU. That’s Farage. That’s Britain First. That’s all manner of degenerate crap we’re supposed to have left behind. That’s how humanity ends up in wars. They allow sociopaths to sow division. They make credulous people stop seeing shares humanity. They want violence to beget violence.

They want people to hate. It’s a right little earner.

And that’s why they’re after Eddie Izzard now too. He’s just a threatening puzzle to them. And their followers are not good at puzzles!

Leave EU are essentially a terror group. They probably sense though that their time is up, as the net on all the corruption closes in, so they’re going to get worse and worse.

But they’re still very dangerous as they’re good at triggering insecure idiots into action. It’s now a national security risk.”

So you’re saying we’ve let the f*cking nazi’s in our midst get emboldened by making a billboard mirroring WW2 fascist propaganda become our face to the world?

“Do you ever stop and ask what that has said to the world? It’s definitely part of the problem.”

I consider it routinely. It shames us as a country that we’re allowing hate to be our face.

“Yes. The fact too, that senior elected British politicians are happy to push forward UKIP’s vision for the UK?

We’re doing the work of the fascists for them! With paid expenses! And it’s all about tax evasion. It’s a time in our history we won’t look back on with any pride.”

Hatemonger Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ billboard, Leave EU and the other swamp creatures are loving it though?

“They reckon they’re going to get a race war and they’re spreading their anti-human shit about on social media to further encourage the bacterial filth and gullible types that follow them.

This is why we’re acting now. All Leave EU memes will be contained in a bunker deep underground next to the recording of Nigel Farage singing Hitler Youth songs when he was a boy.”

What have Michael Gove and Boris Johnson had to say about this move?

“What have they got to do with it?”

Aren’t Leave EU associated with Vote Leave?

“Are you conflating things?”

It does seem like it’s all connected. Even if only spiritually. What’s your boss Gavin Williamson up to? Did he order the memes contained?

“Oh that little prick? No. He’s busy shopping for a bigger tarantula. Not a day passes when he doesn’t wake in a sweat remembering what he said to Putin. I’d leave him out of it. He’s making enough trouble for himself.”

Members of the public are requested to notify the MOD the moment they spot any Leave EU memes, just in case one has slipped the net. Do not touch it. Do not comment on it. And whatever you do do not share it. Together we can stop the hatred, but we’ll probably need to stop it being major public policy first.