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Man grows Charlie Chaplin moustache on South American holiday

LCD Views can report today that a well known clown of the international stage has taken things a step further by growing a Charlie Chaplin moustache while on a South American holiday.

“He was sent over there to get him out of the big tent for a few days,” our upper lip specialist says, “or he went there so other people could do some clowning on his behalf and he could claim plausible deniability due to the tyranny of distance. Choose your own reason. I’m just a moustache man.”

The moustache itself is worthy of consideration for being a classic design not much evidenced since the 1940’s.

“It takes some swagger to pull off the tooth brush,” our tooth brush expert approves, “most people would consider growing one and then realise it might make them look like Nigel Farage with a small microphone under his nose. At that point they give up. But not our man.”

Apparently South American countries do have a climate just right for growing this moustache though and that may have contributed to the decision.

“It’s due to post war migration to Argentina of some very committed ideologues who used the tooth brush as a secret symbol to recognise one another. Both more hygienic and more subtle than a secret handshake.”

LCD Views would like to say we approve of the new look, especially when the famous clown raises his arms and talks.

“It really gives you a feel of his actual potential, where he allowed to develop naturally with ever greater power.”

Will he be allowed that?

“Don’t be stupid. This is no laughing matter.”

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Government admits plan to rename Britain “it” after Brexit as the brain will have been forcibly removed from Br(it)ain

LCD Views can claim success today in our first FOI request allegedly made by us to the Home Office with the release of papers admitting HMG has advanced plans to rename Britain just “it” after Brexit.

“It makes sense,” Steve Baked MP for Cocken-on-Womble, told us, hand delivering the papers to our floating office on a Thames’ barge in exchange for a bucket of American signal crayfish, “I’m going to hide these crayfish on the opposition benches. By which I mean where Ken Clarke and Anna Soubry normally sit.”

Wouldn’t it be better to boil them alive and eat them?

“No. The cannibalism starts post Brexit.”

So tell us about the plans to rename Britain and call it simply ‘it’.

“It will be in line with what most other nations will be calling Britain after Brexit,” Mr Baked said, “as all the brains will have leaked away by then. Mostly over to the continent, but I guess some other places too. We are lobbying to keep Britain as the official name on maps but the Royal Society of Cartographers told us to, I quote, ‘do one’, on that.”

It’s good to know at least some planning has been taking place for life after March 2019. Those tail back scare stories about Kent and food supplies have me a little worked up.

“Oh don’t let the changing of project fear into project reality upset you,” Steve shrugged, “no one left living on ‘it’ will have the cognitive capacity to understand how life has deteriorated anyway.”

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Remainers rejoice as difference between Labour and Tory Brexshits is discovered

LCD Views can happily report today that there is finally reason for that most stubborn group of British voters, the remainers, to rejoice.

“It’s not the sacking of John Humphrys, yet,” our political tides ‘r turning correspondent informs, “it’s the discovery of a fundamental and attractive difference between the two brexshits on offer from the Labour and Tory parties.”

But that’s impossible! Except for “a” fudge on the customs union, there is no difference? And the “a” CU fudge is cake anyway.

“That’s where you are wrong,” our correspondent smiles, “Labour have finally revealed a key detail of how they see life in post Brexit Britain under their governance.”

You mean post Brexit England? It’s pretty much a given now that Brexit is the end of the United Kingdom as a union.

“Well, if you want to be picky, okay. Post brexit England.”

Go on then, what’s the difference?

“Okay. Under Labour’s plan the NHS will still exist after Brexit.”

That’s very reassuring. What’s the detail of how they’ll manage it?

“By collectivising the farms.”

I don’t see the connection?

“It’s obvious. Under Labour’s Brexit plan you’ll simply need to ask the committee selected by central government to run your farm to vote on whether or not they will allow you to walk the forty miles to the nearest state run health centre. So it will still be possible to access the national health service, although some surgeries will probably be run by either the Red Cross or Medecins Sans Frontieres.”

And what’s the Tory plan?

“Oh, the farms will still be collectivised because it will be necessary to force people to till the fields to eat, but the NHS will change as dramatically as expected.”

How so?

“It’ll just be Jacob Rees-mogg sitting on horseback watching you die in a field. Oh, and a vampire drinking your blood to ensure you are always too weak to resist.”

That’s an attractive difference. I know which one I’ll choose.

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Michael Gove insists Titanic was strengthened by contact with iceberg

LCD VIews can report today on the amazing scientific discoveries of Michael Gove, MP for somewhere in Surrey that needs its water tested, who has discovered that the Titanic was strengthened by contact with the iceberg.

”It’s because ice is very, very hard, especially a mountain of it with reality ridges,” Michael told a roomful of people who would otherwise have spent their time wondering when he would f*ck off.

”And I challenge anyone to disprove there is a location more strong and stable than the place the Titanic settled after contact with the iceberg all those years ago.”

Mr Gove, long recognised as the herpes raging in the fluids of the UK’s democracy, is apparently determined to multiply himself even faster by venturing into topics normally reserved for other experts.

”You can’t cure me,” he winked, “you just hope for those quiet spells inbetween my flare ups.”

Quite why Mr Gove has decided to talk with such self confidence on the matter of massive unsinkable ships that sunk is open to speculation.

”It’s because he’s aware you need to keep saying words at people so they believe them,” our bullshit artist specialist opined, “clearly the Titanic had a great big hole ripped in the side of it, sunk and masses of people died. But Mr Gove believes too little focus is given to the positive influence on British culture by the calamity. Such as the film named after the ship.”

I wouldn’t say that was a positive? The only thing accurate about that movie was that a big ship sunk.

”Yes, but, if you made it onto a life boat you survived. Like now, if you have invested your money sensible in tax havens.”

What about all the people who didn’t find a life boat, due in large part to the failure of the designers to make preparations for the obvious potential of disaster?

”You mean because the designers of the ship were too convinced of their own genius?”

A bit like Brexit.

”Well, I wouldn’t go comparing the two. Brexit has clearly strengthened the United Kingdom and made us a more welcoming place to foreigners.”

You’ve been spending too much time with Michael Gove.

”Hasn’t everybody?”

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Fifty shades of brown the only options on the Brexit colour chart

The long-awaited Brexit colour chart has finally arrived from Dulux, and the patriotic dreams of a red, white and blue Brexit appear to have been dashed completely – unless you can work out how it would look in sepia.

The only available colour for any deal is brown, appropriately enough.

We spoke to Dulux spokesman Will Paintham on the matter.

“We spent several weeks doing a graphics analysis for the various Brexit possibilities,” he said. “We allocated the most appropriate colour to each and every possible deal option we could think of, and each one of them turned out brown. And not brown as in chocolate either.”

We get the idea.

The conservative party are reportedly unconcerned by this, although the only statement they made came from Boris Johnson.

“Nothing to worry about, Brexit is brown, we conservatives are blue, and the blue is worth more than the brown on a snooker table, what ho!”

These remarks were accompanied by his trademark grin, and absolutely no sense of irony.

It should be noted that the chart is not entirely devoid of variety, however, as there are a whopping fifty shades of brown to choose from.

Rumours are already in the air that author E. L. James is filing a lawsuit against Dulux for this, but she has denied this. Naturally enough, as you can’t sue real life when it chooses to imitate art. No matter how disgusting the imitation.

Well there you have it. All hopes of a golden handshake or a silver lining are officially a thing of the past. Britain is officially in the brown stuff, let’s hope we climb out before someone hits flush.

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Tories to recruit young voters with meat loaf offer after hearing they’re all talking about gammon

The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.

”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,

“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”

So what are you doing then with this song?

“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”

Yours. It is a song.

“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”

So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.

“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”

LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.

But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.

To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.

This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.

You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.

‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.

I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.

Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?

I can do that.

I can do that. Yippee.

Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?

I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.

I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’

The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.

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Tories to recruit young voters with meat loaf offer after hearing they’re all talking about gammon

The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.

”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,

“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”

So what are you doing then with this song?

“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”

Yours. It is a song.

“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”

So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.

“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”

LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.

But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.

To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.

This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.

You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.

‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.

I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.

Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?

I can do that.

I can do that. Yippee.

Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?

I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.

I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’

The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.

 

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U.K. population stats inflated to 650M so we finally hold all the cards in trade negotiations

LCD Views can report this morning that the population statistics for the United Kingdom have been artificially inflated to 650 million people in order to put us in pole position for future trade deals with lesser countries.

We sent a reluctant reporter along to Steve Baker, famous for bungling ill thought out put up jobs in parliament with living descendant of Vlad the Impaler, Jacob Rees-mogg, to learn more.

”Let me correct you at the start,” man of integrity Steve began, “we haven’t artificially inflated any statistics, the 650 million is now the actual, literal, word thing fact stat published by our colleagues in the Home Office.

It’s a great sign of government working together to give Little Liam and his white elephant of international trade real cred on the international stage. You should actually literally be congratulating us for our clever idea.”

But it’s bullshit.

”Oh my God, they’ve sent a child to interview me!”

Mr Baker laughed scornfully and considered terminating the interview.

”If you’re not going to buy the government line it’s going to stop us making a success of post Brexit dumpster fire Britain. You’re pathetic.”

Okay. Let’s play along. What’s the cause of the sudden jump in the UK’s population?

”It’s not sudden at all. Since the moment of reawakening on the 23rd June 2016 everyone who believes in the U.K. has been shagging like bunnies. We’re in the middle of a massive patriotic population baby boom. It’s why we can send all those foreign types home with no conceivable negative connotations at being perceived as racist.”

Correctly perceived, given government policy and even the official opposition party banging on about ending freedom of movement.

”There you go again! We’re not a racist government. Just visit Nadine Dorries on Twitter to see that. No. No. We just KNOW British born people are exceptional compared to others and we’re making sure everyone knows it.”

You’re killing the country day by day and Labour is helping you.

”After Brexit when we change all the laws you’re going to be arrested. And it won’t matter who is in charge. It might even be me.”

We’ll see about that. What’s the point of artificially inflating the population statistics anyway?

”So we can hand the Japanese their backsides in not only rugger but trade negotiations.

We have to have a larger population than the EU or we’re going to get shafted on a relative worth basis in consideration of trade deals done as a bloc of 500M+.”

This will work how?

”650 is bigger than 500. It’s basic. Just do the math and you’ll see a glorious trading future awaits.”

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Brexitman comic to only have one edition because he’s killed by realitynite

Dreadful comics have been forced onto the backfoot today by the revelation their much anticipated Brexitman comic is to only have one edition because Brexitman is killed by realitynite.

”It happens two thirds of the way through the first comic!” a frustrated fan, Mr Gammon told our Stupidty analyst, “I was given an advanced copy so they could pay me to promote Brexitman on Twatter…what’s thid OUTRAGE?!!!”

Mr Gammon was unable to continue the conversation because he had to take to social media to blame Theresa May for selling out Brexitman by allowing him to even come within a thousand yards of realitynite.

”It’s the total reaction from all the fans pre-selected to review Dreadful’s comic. They were selected after they agreed to take part in an online quiz that asked a simple question, Would you believe anything if a dickhead said it with enough conviction?”

I take it the people selected responded to the survey with a yes?

”Yes.”

But why did they even use realitynite? Everyone knows that’s the one thing capable of killing anyone from the Planet Brexitinsania.

”That or a functioning opposition that isn’t also pursuing the same ends for equally deluded ideological reasons. Oh and the courts. And a general election. And”

I’ll stop the list. That’s just the components of realitynite.

”True.”

So is there any chance of Brexitman actually having survived the total body contact with realitynite and returning for a sequel?

”Well the final third of the comic is mostly just killers screaming about having a civil war to revenge Brexitman, before they get distracted by mass unemployment devastating their regions…”

So probably not?

”Probably no Brexitman sequel. No. Realitynite is a devastating mineral.”

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Queen’s EU hat proven stronger opposition to Brexit than official opposition leader

Recent studies from the University of Shambles, Westminster campus, suggest that Queen Elizabeth II’s famous EU hat has proven to be a stronger opposition to Brexit than the leader of the official opposition.

”It’s a bit of a surprise,” Professor Noshit Sherlock told us, “well, it is to some Momentum members. It’s not to anyone paying attention. To be frank myself and my colleagues should be focused solely on climate change and other social justice issues. Not on publishing mocking rants against the lock stock swindle of U.K. plc by modern fascists.”

But is there any realistic possibility of the Queen’s EU hat challenging the old Bennite Brexiter for leadership of the Labour Party?

”It couldn’t do a worse job faced with the most toxic, shambolic, embarrassing and cruel Tory administration anyone can remember. It consistently polls ahead of both May and Corbyn as preferred prime minister.”

It’s believed on the back of these revelations that certain yellow Tory shill Blairite scum are looking to form a party and have approached the hat to see if it will consider being leader.

”It has a mass of material to challenge the government with. When you consider the mass loss of investment, jobs, relevance, respect, the way Brexit has emboldened racists and made the U.K. a global laughing stock, the emerging revelations of criminality in the Brexit campaigns and the way they likely tie to senior serving cabinet ministers, the hat is going to be in Downing Street by mid summer on an anti-Brexit, jobs first agenda.”

If the cap fits?

”The UK will wear it.”