LCD Views can report this morning that the population statistics for the United Kingdom have been artificially inflated to 650 million people in order to put us in pole position for future trade deals with lesser countries.
We sent a reluctant reporter along to Steve Baker, famous for bungling ill thought out put up jobs in parliament with living descendant of Vlad the Impaler, Jacob Rees-mogg, to learn more.
”Let me correct you at the start,” man of integrity Steve began, “we haven’t artificially inflated any statistics, the 650 million is now the actual, literal, word thing fact stat published by our colleagues in the Home Office.
It’s a great sign of government working together to give Little Liam and his white elephant of international trade real cred on the international stage. You should actually literally be congratulating us for our clever idea.”
But it’s bullshit.
”Oh my God, they’ve sent a child to interview me!”
Mr Baker laughed scornfully and considered terminating the interview.
”If you’re not going to buy the government line it’s going to stop us making a success of post Brexit dumpster fire Britain. You’re pathetic.”
Okay. Let’s play along. What’s the cause of the sudden jump in the UK’s population?
”It’s not sudden at all. Since the moment of reawakening on the 23rd June 2016 everyone who believes in the U.K. has been shagging like bunnies. We’re in the middle of a massive patriotic population baby boom. It’s why we can send all those foreign types home with no conceivable negative connotations at being perceived as racist.”
Correctly perceived, given government policy and even the official opposition party banging on about ending freedom of movement.
”There you go again! We’re not a racist government. Just visit Nadine Dorries on Twitter to see that. No. No. We just KNOW British born people are exceptional compared to others and we’re making sure everyone knows it.”
You’re killing the country day by day and Labour is helping you.
”After Brexit when we change all the laws you’re going to be arrested. And it won’t matter who is in charge. It might even be me.”
We’ll see about that. What’s the point of artificially inflating the population statistics anyway?
”So we can hand the Japanese their backsides in not only rugger but trade negotiations.
We have to have a larger population than the EU or we’re going to get shafted on a relative worth basis in consideration of trade deals done as a bloc of 500M+.”
This will work how?
”650 is bigger than 500. It’s basic. Just do the math and you’ll see a glorious trading future awaits.”