National pub operator P.Q. Widdershins has announced that it will no longer employ staff using unpopular “zero hours” contracts and instead plans to return to the time honoured British tradition of indentured servitude.
“Zero hours contracts are a European innovation, which have no place in a post Brexit Britain ” explained company owner Tom Widdershins, pointing out that they had originated in the communist Soviet empire, and had only arrived in Britain as a result of the ridiculous decision by the European Union to allow the accession of uncivilised East European countries.
“The moment we free ourselves from the shackles of nefarious European interference we will be free to re-introduce slavery across the whole chain,” he said, denying this was a backwards move.
It’s the 300 years of the slave trade that made Britain the global economic powerhouse and champion of freedom and democracy that it is today, he explained.
“The great British port cities of Bristol, Liverpool and Glasgow, and indeed the foundations of the British Empire, were built from the profits of “traditional British slavery,” he crowed, draping an unfeasibly large Union Jack over his shoulders, saluting violently and glaring stone-faced into the middle distance.
“The sooner we face that truth and return to our great British traditions, the better it will be for all of us,” he added.
However critics have suggested that the move is just another cynical pro-Brexit flag waving stunt aimed at disguising a cynical scam to cut labour costs and boost profits.
“That’s a blatant lie put about by Jeremy Corbyn and his Marxist Momentum apparatchiks,” snarled Widdershins angrily, apparently unaware that Corbyn is actually a strong supporter of Brexit.
Pointing out that the return to slavery would provide a massive boost for British industry Widdershins pledged to institute a “buy British” policy across his countrywide chain.
“We have ordered all the necessary whips, shackles, manacles, padlocks, chains, thumbscrews and neck braces from British factories, he said, confirming that, yes, as far as he knew, no other countries currently allow their production or sale.
Responding to criticism of the plan to reintroduce slavery, Chansy Tana, a spokesperson for Widdershins PR representatives; Sock-puppet & Troll, claimed that the change could actually prove popular with the chain’s thousands of serving staff.
“Uninformed people, leftist agitators and terrorists criticise zero hours contracts but when we offered lower paid alternatives a few years back most of our staff preferred to keep them,” she said suggesting that the new slavery contracts would prove even more popular.
“Not that they have a choice. Maybe they’ll even beg us to whip them harder,” she sniggered.
The move to reintroduce “traditional British slavery” comes only days after Widdershins announced that it was planning to phase out dirty European drinks like French champagne and German wheat beer in favour of “traditional British” alternatives like Australian wine and Guinness, all served in traditional British glasses, imported from France – the source of most catering glassware used in the UK.
Commenting on criticism of the move, Tana denied that it would significantly impact customer choice.
“The lowlifes that frequent our establishments generally order champagne at the end of an evening’s boozing, by which time they are quite frankly so far off their tits that you could piss in a bottle and add a dash of bicarb and they’d think it was Krug,” she yawned.
