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Government orders banks to offer mortgages for annual rail fares

Great news today for people worried about how they’ll afford to travel to work next year with the announcement from the very top that Downing Street has ordered banks to offer mortgages for annual rail fares.

”This covers season tickets too,” a spokesman for terrified and empty gammon flavoured crisp T May told LCD Views, “Chris Grayling will be personally overseeing the sub-prime derivatives market that will naturally flow from this as the upper echelons refuse to remember what capitalism actually is.”

The mortgages are expected to be offered by all high street banks and a few fiesty upstarts.

”Payday loan companies needn’t think they’ve been forgotten either,” the spokesman illuminated, “as naturally the market for loans on one day travel cards is expected to be bullish, with interest rates tailored to suit the desperation of the customers.”

The mortgages, which will come as standard fixed rate for fixed term products, or variable and trackers, will be repayable direct from the happy customers’ pay packet.

But what if people default in the great post Brexit job massacre to come in 2019?

”Then they’ll be sold an additional mortgage to cover the higher cost of travelling to the field work they will have agreed to undertake should they default,” the spokesman said, “and the re-sale value of their organs will be used to underwrite the risk, as they will have made themselves a credit risk in the process of defaulting on the mortgage needed to afford the dividends required by train company bosses,

”This solves the travel element of the productivity puzzle too. It’s a signal of great thinking coming down the line from No. 10. Just have faith, it’ll all be in the fine print.”

And surely with the services sector shrinking and under threat from Brexit it’ll be an innovative product for British based banks to sell across Europe too?

This question caused a burst of mirth from the spokesman.

”You won’t see any continental European mortgaging themselves for a rail ticket. All those governments are communist and steal hard working British workers tax money to subsidy their services. But that gravy train is coming to an end.”

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Death comes out in support of No Deal Brexit

Death broke with tradition today and made public his preference for the kind of Brexit the U.K. should pursue.

“It’s no secret I voted leave,” Death told a surprised gaggle of BBC journalists, “and I made my own mind up. I wasn’t swayed by a big red bus.”

Death’s addressing the various options open to the U.K. as it approaches the end of the Article 50 notification period was a surprise, most of the gathered journalists expected the Grim Reaper to focus solely on the current government’s record while in government, and not hypotheticals about the future.

Death smoothed concerns by offering to make them tea.

But why the support for No Deal?

”It should be obvious,” Death smirked, “isn’t it obvious?”

To the journalists in the room it appeared not to be.

”Look, most of you are current BBC hacks,” Death continued, “I would have thought a little research could answer it for you? Never mind. I have these friends who stand to personally benefit from Hard Brexit. And you look after the people who keep you in office.”

The friends referred to appeared to actually be very well known to human kind throughout history and sadly, still today. Why the bleeding obvious was confusing for BBC employees is anyone’s guess.

”Famine, clearly, he’s pushing for No Deal. Disruptions to food chains is his nosebag. When you consider the massive increase in poverty under May’s tenure and the escalation in cost of food, famine is gunning for this,

”War? He’s a long term planner, so he likes the direction of travel and thinks Brexit could undo the harm done to his profession in Europe by a European peace project. Conquest? He just likes to get his hands dirty and the prospects of no deal excite him. He feels confident in victory whatever happens.”

Asked what he thought about the prospect of a ‘People’s Vote’ on whatever deal May achieves, Death was dismissive.

”What deal? She ain’t no deal maker. And after the mess they made in 2016, why would you trust the people with it again? You just need to have faith and get behind Brexit.”

We did ask Life for comment to provide balance to what Death had to say but only received the following,

”I’m keeping well away from that Brexit shitshow. Nothing to do with me. Death can have it.”

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Katie Hopkins to play Moneypenny in next Bond movie

Following her denouncement of the decision to cast multiple award winning ‘actor of colour’, Idris Elba as the next James Bond, Hollywood, is agog with rumours that serially sacked right wing bigot, Katie Hopkins has agreed to take on the role of the Bond franchise’s longstanding “wallflower”, Miss Moneypenny.

“It was Katie’s insistence that the franchise should remain true to the original vision of Bond writer Ian Flemming that did it, and we were happy to amend the script accordingly and offer her a contract,” explained Curly Broccoli, franchise spokesman and grandson of long time Bond film producer Cubby Broccoli.

Broccoli also confirmed that the producers had been much impressed by Hopkins’ screen test, in which she demonstrated her uncanny ability to swivel her eyes in opposite directions and revolve her entire head through 180 degrees while declaiming her lines.

“Even Blofeld couldn’t do that,” he laughed.

Unfortunately for Hopkins the role will likely differ somewhat from what she may have envisaged.

“You have to remember that the original Bond novels were penned in the 1950s and the first film was shot in 1962, so to remain true to that timeline Moneypenny, if she is still alive, would by now be well into her 90s,” said Broccoli pointing out that given that as, over the course of the franchise she repeatedly fails to get bedded by Bond, she is also likely to be somewhat bitter.

“In short, she’s a saggy faced, embittered old munter, endlessly reminiscing about unrequited past glories, so in fact an ideal role for Katie, and we hardly need bother with make up” he added, conceding that perhaps being sacked as a Mail online columnist for libelling a food blogger and then being booted off LBC for calling for a “final solution” hardly qualifies as “glory”.

“Anyway, she’s clearly a psychopathic self publicist, as such she was happy to waive her fee and take the role just for the exposure,” Broccoli explained, confirming that for the sake of authenticity her contract pays her a symbolic ‘one penny’ – “pre-decimal of course..” he added.

And, that given the age of her character the only “exposure” she would be getting would be fully clothed.

Broccoli declined to give away any details of what promises to be a controversial plot, confirming only that there “may or may not be ‘pussy galore’, but  however many there are, Hopkins won’t be one of them”.

“In the real world, no one gets to live twice and any dreams Katie, I mean Moneypenny, may have of being, gold-fingered,  moon-rakered, plugged by the man with the golden Walther PPK, spotted by his golden eye, or having the living daylights roger-moored out of her casino royale, will be very much unrealised,” he said confirming that the closest she’ll get to being hands on with Idris is when he offers her his elbow as support in lieu of her Zimmer frame, only to be stabbed by her poisoned finger nail.

“Obviously he survives, but she doesn’t – which is clearly what Ian Flemming would have wanted,” said Broccoli, declining also to confirm widespread rumours that the working title for the new movie is “Game over For Gammon”.

“We did for a while toy with calling it “Thundercunt”, but we felt Katie was getting way too much exposure as it was,” he added.

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UK government demands return of Calais to solve border issues

Trade Secretary Liam Fox announced the proposal earlier today. The solution to congestion at Dover and the resulting tailbacks is simple, he said. Just move the problem elsewhere.

“Calais was British property for thousands of years,” Fox asserted. “It was only handed back to France with the rest of the Empire relatively recently, so the EU should do the decent thing and return it to England. After all, it’s their fault we voted to leave.”

Apart from the historical inaccuracies, how does that help?

“There’s loads of space in Calais,” Fox invented wildly. “No white cliffs to get in the way of expansion. It’s the continent, not a crowded little island, and who cares anyway, it’s France! That’s another item off my to-do list.”

It won’t work. The EU will never take it seriously. I can already hear Michel Barnier laughing.

“Nonsense!” Fox barked. “It’s in everyone’s best interests. When I die you will find ‘Calais’ written on my heart.”

But it will, if it even happens, create another border problem.

“Hard border, soft border? Chinese, Japanese? What’s the difference? You need to stop talking down my excellent solutions with traitorous factmongering,” Fox concluded magnificently. “Now if you will excuse me, I have to finish five more levels on Candy Crush.”

The daffy doctor departed, leaving more questions than answers. In desperation LCD Views turned to international expert Paris Texas.

“I don’t know where to start,” she admitted. “This so-called solution creates contradiction upon contradiction. The EU won’t consider it, the hard-line Brexiteers will see it as remaining through the back door.”

The British have form with arbitrary borders, don’t they?

“Yes,” she agreed. “Some minion in Whitehall will be told to create a border. Probably the same poor chap who had to draw up Theresa May’s red lines.”

The idea, however infeasible, has taken root among government chancers. Boris Johnson has already promised to build a bridge between Dover and Calais.

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UK politics in testosterone doping scandal

The flaccid and ineffectual performance of the UK government is the result of doping, according to the NHS. MPs of all parties have overdosed on testosterone.

“It’s down to the huge amounts of bollocks,” explained senior consultant Paris Ettamol. “Effectively they’ve drugged themselves. They have swallowed the bollocks uncritically, and the surplus testosterone has led to many surprisingly limp showings.”

But the bollocks has been disseminated widely, through the press, broadcast and social media. Is there any risk to the public?

“It leads directly to fascism,” declared Dr Ettamol. “It’s too much of a good thing. Many men, having suffered flop after flop, get angry. They take out their impotent rage upon blameless, virile, incomers.”

What about women? What effect does the testosterone have on them?

“Look at the rise of women in prominent positions,” Dr Ettamol remarked. “May, Sturgeon, Foster. That bearded lady who won Eurovision, and many more, myself included. It’s unfortunate that I need to shave daily, though.”

There was a scandal, once, about oestrogen in the water supply. Doesn’t the testosterone cancel it out?

“Not at all,” countered Dr Ettamol. “Both have a positive impact upon women, but a negative impact upon men. Women have gained equal rights, equal pay, control over their bodies. What have men gained? Moobs!”

“Men are Goldilocks creatures,” she continued. “The balance must be just right for them to be able to perform properly. This is why our male politicians have, almost universally, refused to stand up and be counted.”

Is doping a feminist conspiracy, then?

“No, just a cock-up,” she replied, sadly.

The official position is that there is no problem, but if there were, it would be the EU’s fault.

Dr Ettamol has some more constructive advice. “Don’t let the bollocks get you down. Never mind the bollocks. Man up, if you still can.”

No wonder Viagra is now available over the counter.

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Pound sterling value burns after relentless social media attacks on Brexit by remainiac keyboard warrior

Currency traders are warning of fears of a total collapse of pound sterling today if an anti-Brexit keyboard warrior doesn’t stop talking the country down on social media.

”It’s causing a run on the pound like I’ve not seen since black Wednesday, or mauve Tuesday, or whenever that was. I’m too terrified to concentrate. I haven’t yet bought my holiday money for the Costa Del Sol next week,” Mr Wise Penny, senior currency analyst at the Bank of England told LCD Views.

The sudden crash in the value of the greatest currency ever conceived since the mighty celtic peoples (of whatever Britain was called before the forerunner to the EU stumbled across it) first started swapping rings of metal for stuff, is leading to fears of a meltdown across the Eurozone.

”This is an existential threat and a real and actual threat to the Euro,” Mrs Knot Knot, Chairman of the ECB commented, “we simply can not print Euro notes fast enough to meet demand from people exchanging sterling for Euro’s.”

In an attempt to save the EU superstate’s tyrannical and undemocratic coin, the chairman has appealed directly to social media users in the U.K.

”Please, please, we beg you, stop talking the U.K. down by refusing to get behind Brexit and push on social media. Every major currency trader, hedge fund and the big six investment banks make their decisions based on what some random remainer says on Facebook and/or Twitter,

”It has nothing whatsoever to do with the U.K. currently having zero credible plans in place to deal with crashing out of the EU and eating hamsters. Only you can save the Euro and by doing so you will save the pound regardless of whatever the government of the day is, or more accurately, is not doing.”

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Daily Mail nominated for the Man Booker Prize

The annual prize for fiction is always given to an original work. Unusually, the Daily Mail has been nominated for a series of sensational front pages, which in their entirety comprise what one judge calls a ‘compelling narrative’.

The judge, well-known author and literary figure Paige Turner, explained her reasoning to LCD Views.

“We look for truly innovative creative work,” she said. “Traditionally we only award the prize to novels; but the world moves on, and literary fiction can be found everywhere, even on the front pages of once reputable newspapers.”

So please explain the ‘compelling narrative’.

“The Daily Mail has cleverly woven several threads together,” said Turner. “But the most recent twist in the never-ending story comes from the predominant racism strand. This focuses on a hapless loser called Jeremy, and his endearing attempts to lead a largely irrelevant band of brothers. The Mail calls them by a variety of names, but usually goes for the descriptive route. So they are lefties, traitors, anything derogatory. The strength in this strand of the story comes from the fact that it could easily be mistaken for a genuine political movement.”

And what does it have to do with racism?

“Well, Jeremy is constantly accused of racism,” Turner explains. “Whether he is actually racist, the tale never tells, but the implication hangs in the air like pipe smoke. In the latest instalment, Jeremy is discovered to have laid a wreath in a cemetery where terrorist victims also lie. This is part of his anti-Semitic back-story. It has a clear parallel with current events, where a real-life bumbling fool has made deliberate, or at least ill-advised, Islamophobic remarks.”

Turner also mentions a recurrent theme in the Mail’s work, a highly imaginative apocalyptic narrative about evil foreigners (“migrants” in the text) coming to destroy a fictional empire by suckling on Britannia’s teat.

We await the shortlisting with bated breath, reading glasses at the ready. Let us hope the Daily Mail can sustain its remarkable output of high quality fiction.

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No deal is the best deal for me, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Forget about a bad deal. No deal at all is the best for… well, Jacob Rees-Mogg, if not Britain.

The man himself spoke to LCD Views through an interpreter who specialises in Elizabethan English.

“Put it this way,” purred Moggy. “I am actually reasonably well off. This is despite the restrictions that are placed upon reckless pursuit of profit by any means possible. I am just an ordinary Englishman. What’s good for me is good for every other ordinary Englishman.”

Impeccable logic, but as usual a small flaw or two, old chap. For example, restrictions are for the common good.

“Restrictions are for the common man!” Rees-Mogg retorted. “The drones, the serfs, the quasi-slave class. It is for their own good. It prevents them from rising above their station. They must always work hard, so that the ordinary English gentleman is free to behave in a manner appropriate to his status!”

Which is…

“Pish! Tush! Pshaw!” spluttered Rees-Mogg. “If you don’t understand, you are no gentleman yourself! An ordinary English gentleman must be in possession of a fortune and several hundred acres in Somersetshire, and he must spend his time on higher pursuits. Here, if you want to know more, read these contemporary novels by Jane Austen.”

What about wealth creation? Isn’t that your responsibility?

“You misunderstand,” he replied urbanely. “My responsibility is to safeguard and stockpile the wealth and invest it wisely.”

So, in essence, you hoard both capital and income, most of it earned by the sweat of others? Doesn’t that make you some kind of economic parasite?

“You are an oik of the lowest kind, sir,” he remarked dismissively. “Guards, escort this scullion, this fustilarian, to the boundary, and beat him soundly if he dare utter another word!”

Laws, taxes, restrictions of all kinds – for the many, not the few. Tug your forelock on the way out.

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Will of the people revealed to be moving all that hard earned cash offshore before Brexit?

The guiding principle of the “Will of the people” has received a fresh update today with the revelation it’s now moving your millions offshore before Brexit.

”It’s just sound financial management,” Mr Para-sight, Tory MP for Disaster-on-Capitalism, told LCD Views.

”I would encourage everyone with a high net worth to shift as much of their liquid assets as they deem sensible to an offshore USD or Euro account before the 29th March 2019 when Britons regain their sovereignty and begin eating it.”

The advice is a timely one with pound sterling experiencing another period of sensible and sustained adjustment.

”The drop in the value of the pound really is a boon for exporters,” Mr Para-sight continued, “particularly exporters of money. I’ve personally had my gentleman’s personal nanny carrying bag loads of cash over the border and into Ireland or Russia or anywhere but the U.K.,

”I don’t mind telling you it’s almost as fun as conspiring with an internationalist clique of kleptocrats to crash an entire country.”

That sounds like Global Britain is roaring!

”Quite.”

But what about people without a high net worth who don’t have the ability to shift large sums of cash about between currencies in order to profit from contrived calamity?

”They’ll have to work a little harder. It will teach them for being an accident at birth.”

Some people might suggest that it’s not exactly patriotic for many of the cheerleaders of an inherently nationalist and protectionist project like Brexit to be shifting their assets overseas in advance of it?

And many even essentially buying EU27 citizenship as a hedge against the very disaster they’re actively working to bring about for millions of working people?

“Does the leadership of the Labour Party also support Brexit?”

Yes.

”Well then it must be in the working man’s interest. It’s a cross party initiative and we’re going to make a success of it. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got to load up nanny with another sackful of currency. There’s a good mule nanny. There’s a good mule.”

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Doctor Liam Fox to write sequel to “Art of the Deal” after successful EU trade deal

Great news for wannabes today with the big tent announcement that Doctor Liam Fox is to write the sequel to “Art of the Deal” after successfully negotiating the EU trade deal.

”It’s just a slam dunk,” Liam’s editor, Part Curtains, of publishers Neocon, Asset Strip & Ampersand told us.

The interview was conducted miles above the Earth in the first class section of a specially chartered jet to get the authentic feel of Doctor Fox.

”If anyone asks you, how can Liam write a sequel to a book he didn’t write? You just tell them Donald didn’t write the first book either.”

And Liam likes to take the credit for other people’s work anyway?

”I couldn’t possibly comment on that. More foi gras?”

The book is expected to be completed in time for Liam’s retirement from decades of intense self service on the public purse next March.

”He doesn’t want to stop flying. He’s so addicted to it. And with the funding for the book coming from the budget of the Department for International Trade, well, it will be fit and proper for the taxpayer to foot the bill for the publicity tour.”

Any sneak previews you can give before release?

”Yes. There will be a whole chapter dedicated to pork barrelling. Another on how to deal with jet lag and several on interior design and how best to conceal confidants while travelling for work.”

I bet there’s a few tidbits on how to climb the greasy pole too?

”Friends. It’s all about having the best friends in high places. You slip down they can lift you right back up again. And guess who is writing the foreword?”

Oh! Do tell?

”BBC Radio 4 Today programme editor Sarah Sands! It’s said she does everything she can to promote Liam’s agenda.”

Any anxious nerves for Liam as he begins this next endeavour?

”None whatsoever. Success is assured with a Doctor in the house. He’s confident this will be the easiest sequel to write in history.”