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Middle classes advised not to bother stockpiling food as poor are just going to loot your homes

The government has some timely advice for anxious middle class families considering stockpiling food in preparation for a No Deal Brexit.

”Don’t,” Dominic Raab, Secretary of State for Seeing Through Criminal Conspiracies, told LCD Views, “why waste precious pounds on pot noddles when you should be arming yourself to the teeth instead?”

The call to arms issued by the Secretary of State, has been echoed by cabinet colleagues.

”I’ve been practising horse riding on a giant stag,” Sajid Javid told us also, “and I’ve bought a replica cavalry lance. Clearly I will have all the protection I need when the food rioting really gets exciting, being Home Secretary, but I might like to run through a few hoodies just for the thrill of it.”

Andrea Leadsom was next up.

”I purchased this sawn off shotgun down a back street near Waltamstow Market. I even got the old geezer who sold it to me to throw in some additional boxes of rounds by threatening to have him arrested. Clearly as a cabinet minister I’ll have all the protection I need when cars start burning in the streets, but I have natural maternal instincts. I’ll be protecting my family myself, if only for the sheer fun of it.”

But what are middle class families to do, who may not even now have the spare money for arms and ammunition? How are they to stop the poor streaming down from the estates to loot their larders?

”They should have thrown themselves more vigorously behind the bedroom tax and other measures designed to drive the undesirable classes out of built up areas,” Matt Handcock shrugged, “I would suggest they buy a home defence app. Cyberdine Systems have some amazing class based home defence, smart phone, web based home protection measures. I’ve been flying around the world testing them all out instead of preparing for the looming NHS winter crisis.”

But what if the Russians hack the hell out of our internet just after Brexit and make such applications inoperable?

”Well, you better spend your time sharpening some stakes. When the food queues realise there isn’t any food left, it’s going to get ugly. Fat lot of good a house full of pot noodles is going to do you when they smash in your front door with an axe.”

So there we are. When choosing how to prepare for a no deal Brexit, the best advice is clearly to be prepared to fight.

”Or flight,” Matt adds, “which is what every single MP from across the parties that are bringing you this completely avoidable catastrophe will do.”

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Downing Street denies asking Banksy to draw up and frame withdrawal agreement with EU

10 Downing Street was forced to issue yet another in a near endless stream of denials this afternoon after some intern at DExEU tweeted that the “WA with EU is all stitched up and it’s a seamless and vigorous stitch up, just like my work outs. Hoograh! Just wait until the WA self destructs a minute after Brexit on the 29/03/19”.

The tweet set off a blaze of guesswork in the Westminster village, already at a near fever pitch over whether everyone’s favourite mother, Andrea Leadsom, might be the latest Brexiter to take the slightest opportunity to get out of dodge, before the proverbial hits the fan.

Minutes after the tweet by the intern, named by insiders as a Dominic Raab, Laura Kuenssberg, in theory a BBC journalist, but more correctly the greatest fan of Theresa May’s, and her most helpful fan at that, poured fuel on the fire with the following assault on common sense,

”It’s obvious from Raab’s tweet that Banksy has been approached, most likely commissioned already, to draw up and frame WA with EU”

A minute later she added,

”The WA won’t be worth the paper it’s written on. Is this strong and stable dealmaking? What will Barnier make of the involvement of Britain’s foremost contemporary artist in the Brexit process? Game changer.”

Banksy himself wasn’t available for comment, but an approach to 10 Downing Street by ourselves was met with the following denile,

“The Prime Minister denies commissioning Banksy to draw up and frame a withdrawal agreement with the EU. Your modern, caring Conservatives have absolutely no intention of just getting the EU to agree to whatever vague fudge we can so we can drag the country over the Brexit line on the 29/03/19, and into a playground for kleptocrats and sociopaths. Prophecy must be fulfilled. Nothing must stand in the way of the one true, neocon, asset stripping God of Brexit. Amen.”

We think they doth protest too much. They said they didn’t commission Banksy, they didn’t say they didn’t ask and were told where to go…

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Boris Johnson demands the month of May be renamed after Britain’s next PM Boris Johnson

These days you can’t move for Boris Johnson opening his mouth about something or other, but his latest outburst is an odd one even by his standards.

His latest tirade has been against the month of May, saying it should not share its name with, in his words, “the most incompetent prime minister this party has ever had.”

“It’s ridiculous,” he said. “Why should she of all people have a whole month with her name on it? She doesn’t deserve that!”

Jacob Rees-Mogg too has backed this claim to rename the month. His suggestion is for it to be renamed Mogg, “simply because it’s another short name with the same initial letter.”

Theresa May herself has criticised the idea, saying,

“The month of May has been so named for centuries. The fact that it is also my surname is ultimately a coincidence. But really, it is the most strong and stable month, so it is very appropriate really.”

A compromise option has been suggested by Jeremy Corbyn, namely that of swapping it around with April so that April Fools day is now May Fools Day. This idea was met with criticism, in that switching a couple of month names over would be pointless. After this he revised his suggestion to adding a May Fools Day on either March 29th or June 23rd.

Of course we could have both, but give them different names. Call March 29th May Fools Day, and June 23rd Cameron Fools Day. That could work.

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Buy bombs from Saudi Arabia and bomb Wales to express our shared values says Hunt

British Foreign Secretary Jeremy ‘sounds like’ Hunt has put the emerging scandal surrounding uninvestigated criminality in the Leave campaigns to bed today by asserting “not investigating crime because of political sensitivities is a way of expressing our shared values with our good friends in Saudi Arabia”.

And that’s not all.

”But we can do better,” Hunt went on, mad eyes swivelling, “after we leave the tyrannical grip of Brussels and all those meddling regulations surrounding human rights, we can switch to a net importer of high explosives and begin bombing rural Wales.”

The call to unleash the dogs of war locally, rather than more profitably far overseas where as long as it’s not white Europeans dying than we are promoting traditional British values, has raised a few eyebrows.

”What’s the foreign secretary got against an aerial campaign against Scotland?” Tom Tug-my-hat, Tory MP Kent, demanded, “And why wasn’t I consulted before the decision to bomb Wales was made? I might have decided Norfolk should get it.”

As part of the shoring up of our shared values though, Hunt has more surprises for his colleagues.

”Clearly we should stop women driving, except with a stipulated male relative,” Hunt carried on, “at least until we can work out the nationality of my wife. We should also begin imprisoning dissidents.”

Asked for a response to the foreign secretary’s comments Downing Street issued the following statement,

”While Ms May certainly entertains constant thoughts about military occupation and suppression of the non Little England regions in her realm, mass arms sales to tyrannies is a key plank of our foreign aid. We expect to export even more death by way of desperately seeking cash after we bankrupt the U.K. with Brexit. To begin importing arms would run contrary to this ethical choice.”

They added also,

”We trust our good friends in Saudi Arabia will be more discrete with their state sanctioned murders going forward so we need not worry about pretending to care and potentially losing a key customer for our military-industrial complex to Russia.”

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Government denies Ministry for Denying Reality has been created

Her Majesty’s Government, which governs without majesty but with a pathological addiction to cruelty in governance, has been forced today to push its newest minister out across the country’s radio and TV shows to deny something.

”I deny it categorically,” Mrs Push-Me-Pull-You, MP for Scat-on-Plates, told a credulous John Humphrys, “At no point has Downing Street created a Ministry for Denying Reality.”

Mr Humphrys could be heard nodding along, comfortable in the cerebral cholesterol cotton wool of confirmed bias and great age (of the kind which need bother not with inquiries that may confront preconceived notions).

”But has any other street created a Minister for Denying Reality?” Humphrys asked, slowly, “I have an A to Z somewhere, I can check.”

The Secretary of State for Denying Reality simply shrugged, which was transmitted by the BBC to a grateful nation, by way of a pre-recording of doves cooing.

”So that’s that then, at no point has HMG created a Ministry for Denying Reality.”

”I wouldn’t be doing my job if I confirmed it. So you’re correct John,” The Secretary of State for Denying Reality confirmed, “and if any journalist proves otherwise we trust our good Lexiter friends on the Labour benches to blame it on Blair, Brown, the Libdems and presumably that hippy from the Green Party. She’s getting too popular. Although I will add in a professional capacity, I deny she even exists.”

It was an important clarification. Also the additional denials that £500M a week is now being spent on the denial of reality, and that thousands of civil servants have been recruited to work in the ministry, instead of a more worthy cause like curing homelessness. Hired purely based on whether or not a mirror fogs when held close to their mouth.

Mr Humphrys then thanked the minister.

”I deny this interview even took place,” the minister replied.

”Next up I’ll be shouting we have to wrap up this interview with Lord Adonis, the moment it begins, while simultaneously screaming remoaner at him for balance,” John purred, and his producer Ms Sands gave him a pat on the back.

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Brexit Industries calendar recalled after every date printed as April 1st

The embarrassing calendar was sabotaged as a protest, according to the government. Britain’s historic bid for freedom is being mocked by crybaby losers.

Calendar expert May Bank-Holliday showed LCD Views a copy, and gave us an insider’s view. “Each page has an uplifting slogan or news item,” she revealed. “Like Brexit Means Brexit!! or Historic Trade Deal With Antarctica Unveiled!! Something to raise the spirits.”

She also disclosed that each month there was a picture of a Brexit pin-up. “For example, look here at February. Mr February is Nigel Farage in corset and fishnets,” she said.

The odd thing is that Farage in drag is not the reason for the recall. A blunder by the printers meant that every date reads April 1st.

“Brexit Day is of course Friday March 29th,” Bank-Holliday continued. “The weekend will be taken up with a national street party. Adequate British food and inadequate British wine will be consumed. England’s World Cup victory from 1966 will be played constantly, on a loop. The real start of Brexit will be a hangover on Monday April 1st.”

With that apt metaphor in place, we took the opportunity of glancing through the calendar. It appears that after a few weeks, the inspirational messages underwent a subtle change. “Brexit means Bullshit!!” and “The UK Is The Laughing Stock Of The World!!” featured early on, whereas Mr October was actually Donald Trump holding what looked like a mushroom.

“It wasn’t an error, it was an act of sabotage!” exclaimed DExEU spokesman LaFinn Stock. “Why can’t they understand that Brexit is happening and needs to happen? The saboteurs have made us into a laughing stock!”

Passing over the irony, we asked Stock to explain why Brexit had to happen before April 1st. Sovereignty, maybe, or tighter immigration controls?

“End of the tax year,” he said. “So all the skilled people can enjoy their dividends immediately!”

Sunlit uplands? You could have fooled me.

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Brexit starts drinking its own wee

LCD Views can report live from the scene of the Brexit stand off today with a SHOCK exclusive that Brexit has begun drinking its own wee.

“Late last night as journalists begun tweeting about yet another possible breakthrough in negotiations regarding fantasy versions of a customs union, and completely ignoring the issue of the single market, so not changing anything at all, so still being completely f*cking useless and still ending FOM to keep a small wedge of racist voters happy, one of the hostages managed to get a note out detailing conditions inside the bank basement where Brexit is keeping nearly 70M people hostage.”

It seems conditions have deteriorated so far now that Brexit has begun drinking its own wee.

“We’re not sure if it’s out of the spiral of madness or because Brexit just likes the taste,” our correspondent corresponds, “there are also rumours that the water supply to the basement has been cut off, but again the situation is unclear. Was it cut off to try and force Brexit out and end the hostage situation? Or was it cut off because of a burst water main due to the utility having been privatised and purposefully underfunded for years because the private owners will be unaffected by loss of water?”

What is clear is that Brexit’s smash and grab hostage situation isn’t going to plan.

“This was supposed to be a smash and grab. Get a massive majority in the June 2017 election and then just crash out. Hold a gun to everyone’s head. As no one, business or government, will have had sufficient time to work up contingencies. You’ll have to deal with Brexit. But now?”

Now, it seems after the wee drinking the next stage is a mighty shit sandwich, consumed in a basement no one can get out of, with Brexit blaming the hostages for the taste even though it was Brexit that buttered the bread in the first place.

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US to refer to U.K. as ‘the gimp’ in free trade deal negotiations

Liam Fox was in an upbeat mood today as he searched behind any curtain he saw with the announcement that the US has officially advised the U.K. government that it will refer to the U.K. as ‘the gimp’ in any and all free trade deal negotiations.

”We will also be called ‘the gimp’ in official documents after we strike a deal,” Liam said breathlessly, “this is the special relationship making itself plain as day.”

Dr Fox flicked back another curtain.

”Unlike my own very special friend! Where is that pesky little fellow. Hide and seek is no fun Adam if you can’t be found.”

This assertion drew giggling from a curtain a few feet away. And from the way it moved we’re certain someone was hiding behind it.

“We may even have to rename the United Kingdom as ‘the gimp’ on all correspondence with everyone ever,” Liam said, skipping to the moving curtain, “which will be fine by me. We may even get to dress up when we strike the easiest deal in history!”

But whether or not the new name will go down well with the people of the United Kingdom was unclear.

”The people have spoken,” Liam reminded us, “they don’t need to speak again now that we have Henry VIII powers. Thank you parliament, you great big rubber stamp you.”

And to make sure we all get the connotations of our new nickname the US is expected to use a meeting of the WTO later this month to spell it out.

”Threatening to block our new, non-EU membership of the Global Procurement Programme is just their opening negotiating stance,” Liam reassured, “the end stance is us on our knees in a rubber mask.”

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Winter refusing to say when it’s coming this year

LCD Views has the scoop today on the trials and tribulations currently being faced by world famous weatherman Jon Snow as he attempts to provide a comprehensive forecast for the months ahead.

”He’s not a bastard. Let’s get that clear at the start,,” a talking wolf told us on the condition of anonymity.

Well, he knows who his mum and dad are now. So we can put that to rest, yes. But what about winter?

“Winter is refusing to say when it’s coming this year, normally every year Winter tells Jon it’s coming. And it keeps telling him. And it doesn’t stop telling him. And he tells all of us. But this year…”

Quite what Mr Snow will do is anyone’s guess if he can’t get the lowdown soon.

”He’s time on his side, as he’s not your day to day weather person. No point asking him if it will be good weather for a picnic on the weekend. He’ll just look at you as if you’re insane. He’s a seasonal specialist. You’d think just the inevitable tilting of the Earth on its axis would be a clue for him, but in these crazy times, you can’t be sure of anything.”

Surely he’s bigger fish to fry anyway?

”You mean his complex love life and the legal issues relating to recent discoveries of who he’s been shagging? And the potential for complication of fragile harmonies relating to a life and death war against evil?”

Around that general area, yes.

”Oh, good. For a moment I worried you were going to say winter was already here.”

 

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U.K. expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream

LCD Views can report this morning on exhaustive social media analysis undertaken by the largely discredited University of Life.

”The U.K. is expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream,” Professor H‘ardknocks told our social trends correspondent.

”It doesn’t matter where you sit on the political spectrum. If you’re a leaver you can’t understand why WE DONT JUST LEEVE GET OUT NOW!. If you’re a remainer, well, you’re sure this is a nightmare, rather than a dream. Any moment you’ll bolt upright in your bed and know Theresa May wasn’t actually given Henry VIII powers by parliament. Because who in their right mind would give the author of the Hosile Environment that sort of unchecked say over the many?”

Is this largely because we had a whole world war about the dark forces driving along with Brexit, and calling the tune of the Tories, and everyone was invited?

“Precisely.”

What about if you’re a diehard Corbyn supporter?

”We’ll, you’re pinching yourself expecting to wake up. To finally have the messiah so close to absolute power, even if he shows little visible sign of really wanting it, is like a dream come true. It’s even more a dream come true if you ignore all his actions since the referendum and what they mean for your rights. What sort of social democrat supports a hard right project? It’s not real. It must be a dream.”

And what about if you’re Theresa May? The fall guy for the neocon, asset stripping, human hating psychos who’ll hang you out to dry a minute after Brexit?

”Do androids dream of electric sheep?”

Good question.

”It is. I’d say the Maybot is having the time of her pre-programmed life. Getting to turf out millions of foreigners? Yes. A dream come true.”