Posted on

Donald Trump signs executive order banning satire in the United States

Since taking office, Donald Trump has signed a lot of eyebrow-raising executive orders, but this latest one has to be the most shocking yet.

Last night’s press briefing confirmed that he had signed an executive order banning all forms of satire in the U.S.

“Satire is fake news,” he said. “And we should start punishing it severely, as with all fake news. This ban will affect satire in any way, shape or form. TV, newspapers, internet, anything. Anything mocking the president of the United States of America will get a mandatational – uh, no, menstruational – uh, no, mental, that’s it, a mental 45-year prison sentence.”

We think he meant mandatory, but the word he settled on was probably more fitting. Oh well, many a true word is spoken in jest so they say.

He was also quick to deny rumours that he was following the example of the king of Saudi Arabia, who had announced a similar ban just the day before.

“I am not copying him,” Trump insisted. “If anything, I gave him the idea, I just had some golf to play before I got round to announcing mine.”

Unfortunately for Trump, this ban will not be applicable on satirical sources outside the U.S. – and most Western leaders have laughed at his request that they send anyone mocking him to America to stand trial.

“He is a public figure,” Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau commented. “He must be prepared to put up with some ridicule, it comes with the territory.”

Almost all European leaders have condemned Trump’s move on the same grounds. The only exception is Theresa May.

Posted on

French immigration officials advise no visas for Brits after Brexit as there’s no guarantee Brits will go home again

Theresa May, ruler of the British Empire, has slammed French arrogance today after French immigration authorities proved just how unable to recognise British value the French are, once again.

”It’s not a surprise to find our presumptuous friends across the ENGLISH Channel behaving like this,” Britain’s modern day Boudicca said (in a thoroughly statesmanlike manner), “they’ve always been jealous.”

She paused here to power stare meaningfully into the void, before continuing,

”We do not wish to get into a game of immigration tit for tat, but it would do well for all to remember what happened after we let the French ancestors of Nigel Farage into the United Kingdom.”

The timely reminder of who is better by tribal leader May was prompted by outrageous French THREATS to English tourists.

“But if the FRENCH FAIL to do the right thing by Britons, after forcing us into Brexit, we will be forced to reluctantly draw up the bridge to French nationals after Brexit. They will join a growing list of twenty seven countries who will find it very difficult to spend their money in our one great country, if they fail to give us what we ask, after forcing us into Brexit.”

It seems the particular threat that has roused the British lion to roar is the notice from French immigration officials regarding how difficult it will be for exceptional British people to gain French visas, after they’ve forced us into Brexit.

”We are well aware that the only peoples on the continent of Europe to possess a sense of humour are the British. This is evidenced by old white, rich British men who used to mock the establishment turning full gammon in their dotage, and all the way over to the subtle power chains I wear around my neck, just so onlookers can smirk.”

And what powerful chains they are, modelled after the anchor chains on the Titanic.

”To suggest Brits won’t be allowed French visas after Brexit, because of concerns Brits won’t go back home from France is to underestimate both the British love of queuing (for food in 2019) and life under universal credit (she’ll take all the credit).”

 

Posted on

Theresa May to extend Brexit transition period until Tory MPs’ children finish their Erasmus gap years

UK prime minister Theresa may has confirmed that she intends to extend the Brexit transition period until all the university age children of her Conservative MPs have completed their gap years on the pan-European Erasmus student exchange programme.

Addressing parliament after her latest humiliating rebuffal in Brussels Mrs May was in typically upbeat mood.

“Let’s make no mistake, Brexit means Brexit means better opportunities for posh kids and generally screwing everyone else. We’re only doing it once so let’s make sure we do it right,” she stated, glaring maniacally, a smile like the shadow of a hangman’s swaying noose playing gently around her lips.

“We’ve had a quick poll of our MPs, parliamentary candidates and local councillors and we think the last of their kids should have finished their Erasmus years by the end of 2021, so that’s the date we’re going for, she explained.

Quizzed by Labour’s shadow education secretary about what UK students will do after 2021, when they lose the right to Erasmus exchanges, Mrs May was quick to explain that her government was committed to replace lost opportunities in Europe, with better opportunities closer to home.

“In future children of Tory voters educated at public schools and the better selective grammar schools will automatically be granted places at Oxford or Cambridge,” she said explaining that this would in effect herald a return to the system that existed prior to the UK’s admission to the EU.

“This is the system that was the foundation of the British empire and helped us win two world wars, with no help from Johnny Foreigner and his Erasmus pals,” she shouted over loud protests from opposition MPs.

“And the sooner you proles, plebs and lefties recognise the fact, the quicker we can get on with making this country great again,” she barked, wiggling her hips and shuffling her feet in time with the chant of “There’ll Always Be an England” from her back benchers.

A spokesman for the Erasmus programme confirmed that the UK’s departure would be a sad loss, and that many bars and nightclubs across the continent were already facing bankruptcy as a result. 

 

 

 

Posted on

Asylum seeker insists on being served a better vintage Champagne

A shady character who sought asylum six years ago is going stir crazy. Tired of his luxurious imprisonment, he is now blaming his jailers for his suffering, and demanding a higher class of sparkling wine to lighten his torment.

Julian Assange – for it is he – has tired of being out-leaked by corrupt governments on both sides of the Atlantic, who no longer care what people think of them. In a desperate attempt to salvage column inches, he has blamed the Ecuadorians for his predicament. To soothe his savage breast, he has indicated that, henceforth, only the best Champagne will be acceptable to him.

Ecuador, which has accepted his citizenship and protected him from extradition, is naturally the enemy. Who else can Assange blame? Gaslighting is the order of the day.

LCD Views, concerned about Assange’s mental state, sought the opinion of brain doctor Maddus A. Laurie. “Julian is clearly going slowly insane,” opined Dr Laurie. “Stuck in a small apartment with only his own company. It’s known in the trade as Bunker Hunkering.”

Dr Laurie described the symptoms. “Being delusional, creating a fantasy world, tilting at windmills,” he said. “Sufferers become convinced that they are the only sane person in the world. Their ego inflates as their grasp on reality diminishes. Assange sees himself as a victim of ‘the system’, when in reality he is a sad little man avoiding the harsh realities of life.”

Most political leaders suffer from Bunker Hunkering, claims Dr Laurie. “They become more and more convinced that everyone is out to get them,” he claims. “Often correctly, of course. Their policies become increasingly extreme, in accordance with Thatcher’s Law, which states that a leader’s compassion is in inverse proportion to their self-importance.”

So a man whose existence has been reduced to enforced idleness, taking working holidays in the bedroom and refusing to empty the cat’s litter tray because it looked at him funny, is now down to his last few marbles.

The cat, incidentally, summed up the situation perfectly. “I don’t want to be here,” she mewed, “but I also don’t want to leave.”

Posted on

It’s not the end of the world, imagine what you can achieve with horse power alone, says May

The Romans built an empire on it. With fuel shortages looking likely after Brexit, foresighted people are buying horses. Lord Tebbit has already been quoted as saying “Get on yer horse!”

The Prime Minister, by the grace of God (by which we mean, there but for the grace of God), is looking on the bright side of Brexit as usual. Not satisfied with longing nostalgically for the glories of wartime deprivation, she reminds us that we also survived hundreds of years of Roman occupation.

“It could be a lot worse,” she croaked, at a hastily convened press conference in an empty stable. The horse had bolted a long time previously.

“What did the Romans ever do for us?” she continued, pressing home her disadvantage. “The British people rose up and threw off the shackles of their oppressors. The parallels with Brexit could not be clearer.”

Nobody dared to point out that the Roman empire was comprehensively Vandalised, and overrun by Goths. Their habit of wearing black is the main reason the following half century was called the Dark Ages.

“The British people are both resilient and innovative!” May stated. “Horse power was sufficient for our ancestors, and it is good enough for us. Get back in the saddle and start champing at the bit!”

May bridled at the suggestion that it was all a bit, well, unnecessary. “The Anglo-Saxon people triumphed then, and they will triumph again!” she declared. “Bridle means bridle!”

The stable (which seemed strong enough) echoed to the sound of weak applause, as May sashayed clumsily through the straw to the nearest regeneration alcove.

A new official no deal notice has been rushed out, advising people to convert their garages into stables, and to stockpile hay.

And it can only be a matter of time before fox hunting becomes mandatory.

Posted on

Michael Caine to deliver sermon on the mount dressed as Elizabeth 1st

LCD Views has exciting news for informed voters concerned about who will insult their intelligence after Brexit with the announcement that struggling, jobbing, multi-millionaire actor Michael Caine is to deliver the inaugural Brexit sermon, on the mount, dressed as Elizabeth 1st. This will help Britons HOLD FAST as we HUNGRILY CARVE A NEW AND EXCITING FUTURE OUT OF THE BALSA WOOD OF INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS.

“I’ve been preparing for this role since yesterday morning,” Mr Caine told an effervescent John Humphrys, during an interview on BBC R4 flag-up-pole, light entertainment programme ‘Today’,

“yeah, maybe it was the day before yesterday? When did I have that tomato soup? You know the one I had with white bread? Not the sourdough, ghastly foreign tasting stuff, can’t stand it myself,

“Anyway, long enough to know that it’s good to be poor. Virtuous you see. Alfie was virtuous like. A man’s man too. You know the kind. And Britons are naturally virtuous and ONCE WE’RE FREE OF THE TYRANNICAL GRIP OF BRUSSELS WE CAN HAVE ALL THE VIRTUE WE CAN EAT. IT’S BETTER TO DIE STARVING IN THE GUTTER HAVING WATCHED YOUR KIDS FUTURES TURN TO DUST THAN HAVE A VOTE IN BRUSSELS.”

THE LAPSE INTO FULL CAPS LOCK GAMMON BY MICKEY…sorry… our printing press caps lock was stuck…the solid support for the national project from one of the UK’s best loved old, white, male millionaires is timely as Brexit does look like it could do with a dose of viagra.

Mr Caine was good enough to give Mr Humphrys a few snippets of what his sermon will be like.

“Of course I’ll be dressed as Elizabeth 1st,” Mr Caine revealed, “on a horse. Tilbury speech to the cheesemakers. You know the one. When we saved cheddar from the French? Cracking victory. British exceptionalism at its exceptionalist.”

But what will the sermon be?

“I’ll be mixing in a bit of the old gospel. Blessed are the tax exiles, for their children shall dine on the meek. Blessed are they that mourn the brains rotting in old age of John Cleese, Roger Daltrey and that cheeky chap who played Alfie, for they have truly lost their stars. And once I’ve done that I’ll round it off with Elizabethan chatter,

“I know I have the bank account of a filthy rich old man, but I have the political views of complete fcuking gammon. That sort of stuff. It’ll show the cheese eating surrender monkeys what they’re up against. Just like in 1066.”

Posted on

Homeless people have the necessary skills to survive Brexit, says Theresa May

Prime Minister in name only, Theresa May, revealed why the problem of homeless people is not actually a problem at all. On the contrary, they possess the survival skills necessary following a no deal Brexit.

LCD Views spoke to the PM while she was locked out of negotiations in Brussels. “Brexit means Brexit,” she said, surprisingly. “It will enable the weakest members of society to prosper and even be role models.”

She tapped hopefully on the closed door, but it remained resolutely shut. “Let me be entirely clear about this,” she continued. “This means taking back control from the unelected bureaucrats behind that door, and empowering the undesirables.”

Unsure whether she was referring to the homeless, or the kleptocrats driving global calamity, we sought clarification. “The bullying EU is forcing our hand again,” she gaslighted. “This is not acceptable. They are giving us nothing, and the best equipped at making something from nothing are people with nothing. If the homeless can survive with no home, job or money, then surely the rest of us can.”

Seeking an alternative point of view, we spoke to a chap sleeping in a shop doorway, who gave his name simply as ‘Spud’. “The mad cow doesn’t have a Scooby Doo!” croaked Spud, washing down the sandwiches we bought for him with a swig of White Lightning. “We can’t hunt or grow crops. We are scavengers by nature. It’s back to that other idiot rummaging in the council dump, innit?”

Wise words indeed.

Despite Spud’s assurances, reports have reached us of trendy young Londoners sleeping rough for pleasure, calling the practice ‘urban camping’. Genuine rough sleepers have complained of hipsters drinking Prosecco in the most desirable doorways.

Meanwhile the price of a dog on a string has rocketed, forcing the genuine homeless to adopt urban foxes instead.

Indeed, with some now charging rent for a street berth, the homeless are even homelesser. The homeless chic of it.

Posted on

David Davis demands to be on zero hours contract or he won’t let Tories make him PM

Nadine Dorries, powerbroker for the stars of politics, has met the 1922 committee this afternoon to table David Davis’s demands before he’ll let the Tories make him Britain’s laziest prime minister.

”Zero hours contract,” Nadine threw down the gauntlet, tripped over it, spun in a circle, before landing on her backside, “and a RAF plane on standby to fly David to a 24hour bar 24:7. Also a luxury flat next to every pub in England, just in case he’s too trollied to be flown home after a gruelling day lifting pints.”

Runours have been growing like the mass fiddling of employment statistics lately of a push to replace hardworking Beta Brexit PM Theresa May with a work shy blowhard, in order to help make a success of Brexit.

”The tyrannical EU has met its match in Davis,” Nadine continued (on Twitter), “his SAS training is why he quit as Secretary of State for Exiting the EU after two years and a total of fcuk all work. But full pay, benefits and all the perks of someone actually doing the job. By quitting he’s tricked Barnier into letting his guard down. Those garlic loving fools think it’ll be easy to crush the U.K. now, but wait to see the looks on their faces when David emerges in camo paint from 10 Downing Street with a broken beer bottle in each hand.”

What May can do to stop the coup within the coup and keep Davis at bay is anyone’s guess. But we suggest rapid legislation to tie a Prime Minister’s salary to hours worked on a pro rata basis would probably see off David Davis.

Posted on

Dancing Queen May does the permanent limbo

Robot Strictly winner Maybot2.0© has developed a new dance. She is in the process of perfecting the permanent limbo.

This dance has been described to LCD Views by ‘dancepert’ Corrie O’Graphy. “Traditional limbo involves being able to pass under a bar,” O’Graphy explained. “It requires a high degree of flexibility. Permanent limbo is the same, except that it uses an invisible, indeed non-existent bar.”

Political commentator Ben Dover-Backwoods went further. “May is bending over backwards all the time,” he clarified. “She has a lot to live down to. The bar has been set, it is a very low bar indeed, and it is getting lower all the time.”

Indeed, the bar has now been lowered so far that it is difficult to perform even the permanent limbo. Nonetheless, May is attempting this feat of backbreaking impossibility. If she goes forward or backwards, the precariously balanced bar will topple. Trapped in this eternal nether world, she is quite literally in limbo.

“This is the static permanent limbo,” said O’Graphy. “You move neither forwards or backwards, but remain in the same position indefinitely. It’s an endurance act really, but it can leave a dancer bitter and twisted.”

“The realities of Brexit are closing in,” commented Dover-Backwoods. “May is being squeezed between the EU rock and the ERG hard place. She is caught in her own trap, hoping that she doesn’t break before the final whistle blows.”

With the EU pulling May one way, and the ERG dragging her the other, while the DUP snipes from the sidelines, the UK PM must be heartily sick of all the acronyms.

Instead, the country is left with a conundrum. Like all riddles, the answer is obvious, and simple once you see it. And the question is this:

When is a backstop not a backstop? When it’s an Irish backstop.

Posted on

Breast augmentations to be replaced by meals of hormonal US chicken after Brexit

Tumescent breaking news this morning on breast augmentations and how non-invasive getting a boost will be after Brexit.

“We all know food is a great medicine,” lead plastic surgeon at Two4One Boobs (a private medical practice facing criminal prosecution), Doctor Bigizbest, told our topography correspondent,

“you’ve got a swelling you can’t quite explain? Eat a marrow! You’ve got a cold that won’t go away? Yeast extract combined with petroleum jelly! You’ve lost a leg in a hunting accident? Octopus combined with frog! Well, after Brexit all you will need to do if you hanker for a bigger cup size is eat chicken. The bigger you want your tits, and I don’t mean small garden birds here, the more chicken breasts you chow down on. Yummy! Yum!”

But what will change after Brexit?

“Hormones man! Hormones! Hormones will change in quantity and probably in quality,” the good Doctor went on, cupping his hands in front of his chest,

“and I’m not talking about endocrine system smashing chemicals in our water supply thanks to the all green is good Tory government fracking the frack out of your water table so old and vested family interests can eek a little more coin out of fossil fuels before we all drown under a sea of plastic in a methane fog!”

Well, what are you talking about then?

“American chicken! Have you seen the moobs on the American president? Do you hanker for broader haberdashery bill yourself? Then let’s get importing! Call up Doctor Fox and tell him to put away those scalpels, we’re going to dine our way to WOW BABY! WHEN DID YOU GET THOSE DONE?!”

Finger lickin’ good! Let’s get it done!