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BBC secretly taken over by Fox News

The news leaked out following the row over the vicar-who-wasn’t-really-a-vicar who appeared on Newsnight’s Brexit debate. The well-worn strategy of run down, then sell off cheap, is clearly in operation here.

Wishing official clarification, LCD Views sought the opinion of a senior member of the Cabinet. The vulpine member for Jolly-on-Expenses, and minister for Air Miles, Dr Liam Fox, was pleased to comment.

“At last! A channel dedicated to me!” he burbled, missing the point entirely. “I will be on TV as often as Nigel Farage!”

We asked Dr Fox what he made of the dodgy pastor and her frequent appearances on the BBC.

“She has a reputation and qualifications comparable to many US pastors,” he remarked robustly. “The US is leading the way in deregulating religion, cutting red tape and allowing anyone sufficiently dedicated to buy a dog collar. Ministry should be for the many, not the few!”

Wrong catchphrase, Foxy. Doesn’t deregulation also devalue the ministry of the Church?

“Not at all,” he replied. “It frees pastors from the shackles imposed by the Bible, which is 2,000 years out of date after all. We want ministers to be able to profit from their profession, like any other proper job. Incidentally, we are intending to allow vicars to sell indulgences again. So anyone with a shred of guilty conscience can pay their way to Heaven. We want to return the Church to the peak of its mediaeval glory.”

The sale of the BBC will free its Brexity bosses to sell advertising space for the new religion. The Director General, Lynam Pockitts, is looking forward to applying the same standards in force at its parent company.

“This is the end of any suggestion of bias,” said Pockitts. “From now on, our content will be dictated by the wishes of our sponsors and advertisers. And as we are now owned by the Yanks, there’s jack shit you can do about it!”

Rumours of subterranean rotation activity at Lord Reith’s grave are as yet unconfirmed.

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Downing St St Andrew’s Day message to Scotland advises Scots to lie back and think of England during Brexit

Downing Street has used the occasion of its Saint Andrew’s Day message to Scotland to advise Scotland to lie back and think of mighty mother England during the forthcoming Brexit.

”The people of our province of Hibernia,” Ms May began her address, straight to camera, “your upstart minister Nicola is making a poor job of preparing you for what is coming out of England. Like with good Caledonians across the Irish Sea, you’re about to get screwed by England once more.”

Ms May paused for one of her bloodless attempts at smiling like a human, before continuing,

”The best advice is to lie back, enjoy yourself, and think of England while England does what England has done to you for a millennia.”

Ms May then went on to list other regions she intended to screw heartily.

”I advise the good British of Gilbraltar to also lie back and think of England. Excepting of course those of you who have fallen from the true path and have a Spanish parent or grandparent. You must prepare to be deported once we have finished breaking down that monkey infested rock you call home, in order to construct a proper wall no Manuel, Pedro or Maria can get over. We are taking back control of as much of the Iberian peninsula as Boris Johnson believes feasible. Michael Howard has been made Field Marshall. Prepare yourself to do what patriots do.”

She then addressed herself to The Falklands, well, it was presumed to be, but as the address was preceded by an earlier review of what is left of the navy after eight years of Tory defence cuts, she mostly just laughed. Before adding,

”I am sure the ghost of Maggie will watch over you.”

Asked to respond to the message, a spokesman for Labour said they felt,

”the inclusion of so much not to do with the Caledonians was insulting. And with a Labour re-negotiated Brexit Scotland would only be on the receiving end of “a” shafting from Westminster.”

Which we can all agree is better, can’t we.

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Government post Brexit survival kits slammed for not including recipes for cats

The government is on the back foot today over details of their soon to be released post Brexit survival kits.

The kits will be available free of charge to members of the Conservative Party, but available at a modest retail price of £750,000 for everyone else.

”That’s just the average price of a burgundy passport available for purchase from one of the smaller EU27 states,” Vlad “the” Impaler, junior minister at DExEU told LCD Views, “although of course most wealthy Tory backers will already have purchased a second citizenship as a Brexit contingency and so we will give them a kit gratis to thank them for supporting Theresa May’s deal.”

But while the RRP of surviving in a post Brexit U.K. may not ultimately be too controversial, the kits have been positively and negatively slammed for not including recipes for common household pets.

”I expect any sensible person already employs a cook who knows all the ways to skin a cat,” Vlad shrugged, “and guinea pigs and dogs and even snakes, for that matter. It’s really just a manufactured complaint. And anyone who hasn’t applied themselves to be born with a silver spoon will presumably just eat a cat raw? Won’t they?”

So that’s that criticism rebuffed too. But what about the complaint that a diving manual, a lifeboat, a life jacket and a whistle are also missing?

We asked Labour what they made of this latest Tory furore?

”A Labour government would not have “the” Vlad the Impaler as a junior minister at a jobs first Brexit focused DExEU,” Keir Starmer slapped down, “But “a” Vlad “an” Impaler.”

And that will make all the difference to your chances of survival post Brexit.

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Poverty solved by reclassifying it as crime

Theresa May’s frankly unbelievable government has come up with a neat solution to the problem of poverty. It is simply a matter of redefining being poor as a criminal activity.

LCD Views’ Mediaeval Values correspondent brought the inside story on this momentous piece of legislation, which is believed to have come directly from the Downing Street bunker.

“The method is simple and effective, like all this government’s policies,” claimed Number Ten spokesman Tommie Wrott. “Any person allegedly resident in the UK with a low income, by which I of course mean £50,000 or under, is now considered a drain on the country’s scant resources. All their economic activity will henceforth be deemed illegal. Their wages of sin will be directed into the bank accounts of wealth creators and Conservative Party supporters. As punishment, these lowlifes will be forced to live and work in concentration camps – I mean, factories – until their debt to society has been paid off in full. With interest.”

That sounds like a return to the workhouse, an unnecessarily punitive measure.

“No, not at all,” countered Wrott. “It is simply to discourage anyone who is considering becoming poor. The message must be loud and clear that poverty is unacceptable in modern Britain.”

Wrott explained that this drive is part of the crusade to achieve a low-tax, small state economy. “After all, it says in the Bible, ‘He who has much will be given more, and will have an abundance. But the one who has not, even what little he has will be taken away.’ A nice touch coming from a vicar’s daughter.”

This is a clarion call to the idle, workshy poor to get on their bike and walk into a valuable, responsible job managing a workhouse, rewarded with a fat salary and company BMW. Jobs like that are two a penny, so there’s no excuse.

Also, like being an MP, any old fool could do it, which goes a long way to explaining British management techniques and its superbly functioning democracy.

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Theresa May to debate Brexit with empty chair on Dec 8th

LCD Views has exciting news for lovers of a democracy so polarised it’s in danger of entering an unexpected ice age, with the announcement that brutal wordsmith Theresa May is to debate an empty chair on December 8th, just days before the Commons votes in a way she’s guaranteed to ignore.

”Clearly Sturgeon, or anyone Scottish and fish based is right out,” organiser of the event, BBC Producer Mr Pro Brexit told us, “you see the way that Blackwater or Blackcrossing or Blackbridge, oh, forget the little details, the burly Scots chap who takes her on in the Commons, asks all the questions Corbyn’s handlers won’t even let him know exist? Yeah. Keep him up north. And the rest of them. Rebuild Hadrian’s Wall I say! Ha!”

But what about Caroline Lucas?

”Jesus wept, what sort of psycho are you? May would get eviscerated.”

Vince Cable?

”Get out! Sneaky bloody Libdems thought up the People’s Vote strategy. And he likes some facts that old man. If he hits her with a fact it’ll be like a rain shower on the wicked witch of the West.”

Clearly then leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition and world famous market gardener, Jeremy Corbyn, is the man for it?

”What’s the point? Seriously? A Brexiter debating a minor difference between two Brexits? Both cake and eat it fantasises? It’ll be a snooze fest, unless one of them loses their temper. Which is possible of course, if the other goes off the pre-approved script.”

So an empty chair it is then?

”Yep. Ms May is used to droning on pointlessly at a cabinet devoid of substance, so another bit of furnishing was thought the safest bet for her to repeat ‘the people are uniting behind my vision of warehousing the intentionally homeless with Brexit’ for an hour.”

That’s strange, I would have thought the whole idea of the so called debate was a pre-arranged plan behind closed doors between the Brexiters and the Lexiters to ram home to the British public that if they have to starve so two extremes can fight it out for an ideological insanity then so be it, there is no other choice.

“Oh bugger.”

What?

”I’ve got to cancel the chair and call Corbyn’s handlers.”

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God – “Just a second tier Middle Eastern deity,” sneers Mogg

Monocle wearing Tory back bencher Jacob Rees-Mogg Thursday blasted Our Father in Heaven, the Omnipotent, All Knowing, All Powerful, Lord God Almighty as “Just a second tier Middle Eastern deity who has signally failed to inspire belief in a majority of people on earth“.

“I don’t think he’s greatly respected,” he added pointing out that none of the miracles reported in the bible have been independently corroborated, and none of the predictions made have ever been demonstrated to have actually happened.

“Except possibly the second coming, for which I am of course far too modest to lay claim,” he smirked, adjusting his genuine felted beaver fur top hat.

“After all I’m the multi billionaire owner of a hedge fund and have had four books published, to the single tome credited to the ‘so called almighty‘,” he sneered.

Commenting on the ongoing Brexit debacle, Rees-Mogg rubbished the suggestion that the deal negotiated by Theresa May was capable of meeting the expectations of the British people who voted in favour of leaving the European Union.

“Only the full no-deal Brexit is capable of rending the veil of the temple in twain, heralding the return of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – suitably attired in hunting pink – unleashing the seven deadly plagues and emerging victorious from the final battle of Armageddon,” he explained, declining to comment on whether he was in any way related to the Biblical harbingers of apocalypse, characters Mogg and Magog.

However Rees-Mogg was quick to deny that he is either “the beast with seven heads, ten horns and ten crowns” or the beast with “horns like a lamb” and “marked with the number 666“.

“I think you’re confusing me with Michael Gove and Boris Johnson,” he purred fingering a bag of seven golden trumpets.

 

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The elephant in the room is preparing to take over government

The elephant in question has finally had enough of being tactfully ignored. It has grown to such a size that even Theresa May is having difficulty keeping it out of sight. The moment she looks it squarely in the eye is the moment her faltering leadership finally ends.

“My deal, no deal, or no Brexit!” squealed the Prime Minister, cornered and desperate. She has since denied acknowledging the elephant in a transparent attempt to replace the blinkers.

“We would be better off in the EU than if we left,” said Philip Hammond, carelessly letting the cat out of the bag. “Of course, what I really mean is that Brexit must happen but you won’t really notice its effect that much. Honest! Trust me, I’ve used so much creative accounting on the Impact Statements that you really wouldn’t think that Brexit is that bad.”

The elephant has been encouraged by the Brexit zoo. With Theresa May’s dead dog of a deal, the pigeon chess Brexiters, and the tiger economies licking their lips over the imminent chaos, the UK has clearly been sold a pup. The elephant proposes to trumpet its virtues, take the trunk route to the ivory tower, and clear all the bullshit out of Westminster. The cat is firmly among the pigeons.

As the elephant forces itself doggedly into plain sight, expect rats to leave the sinking ship. The likes of Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nigel Farage and their nest-feathering chums will attempt to flea, only to be caught at the borders because they insisted that free movement must cease.

The effervescent elephant has denied any relationship with notorious Europhile elephants such as Babar, Nellie or Donald Tusk.

The elephant has promised a manifesto of cancelling Article 50 forthwith, prosecuting those responsible for criminal behaviour under the Brexit umbrella, and redistributing wealth more equitably.

The country is about to undergo a mammoth change.

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Arthur Daley hired to sell May’s Brexit deal

The brains behind Theresa May’s misselling strategy to get the great British public to swallow, without sugar, the toxic discharge of her Brexit WA and PD have hit today upon a sure fire way to con everyone into buying it.

“Who better to accompany Ms May on her around the U.K. sales trip than a infamous British automotive dealer of questionable quality second hand cars?” Mr Con Merchant, guiding strategist at Downing Street, told us, “it was actually Gove’s idea. Every bit of deceptive genius always is.”

How Ms May, famous for being strongest when working independently, will feel about being a double act is not yet clear.

”We will have Arthur Daley convince her himself and he’ll probably sell her one of Prescott’s old Jags while he’s at it,” Mr Merchant said, “and if things get sticky Terry can pop round and have a word in her ear, to the wise, like.”

Mr Daley himself has been unavailable for comment since the announcement, but is currently believed to be hiding in the gents of a boozer out of fear that Ms May is a disgruntled customer.

”We will get word to him that ‘er indoors has a Brexit bus going begging to be sold with a massive profit if it’s pulled off. That there are 17.4M suckers lined up to pay well over the odds for something that was clearly never going to work, and which anyone could find out for themselves if they only had access to Google. The world will be his oyster. He’ll be up for it.”

Brexit, a nice little earner, if you’re a currency trader, like say, half the government.

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May and Corbyn sign up for the next series of Leave Island

Lead Brexiter Theresa May and Brexiter-in-waiting Jeremy Corbyn have agreed to a televised love-in. Fans of the mysteriously popular Love Island are looking forward to the encounter.

It seems that Corbyn has always been willing, but May has previously turned down the opportunity. Now, with Brexit vanishing faster than UKIP’s credibility, May has succumbed in a valiant but ultimately futile attempt at relevance.

“It’s TV gold!” gushed Love Island producer Phil Mafufu. “One is a Leaver pretending to be a Remainer, and the other is a Remainer pretending to be a Leaver. Opposites attract, and I’m banking on fireworks! We’re doing a one-off rebrand as Leave Island to make it really stick in people’s craws too!”

It’s almost guaranteed. Judging by Prime Minister’s Questions, Corbyn gets hot and passionate once a week, and both leave the chamber fully satisfied.

There are some parameters to restrict their activity, as Mafufu explains. “Anything to do with the general public is off the table,” he said. “Both have indicated their unwillingness to be voted off the show. Corbyn wants a chance to be on top for a change. But May, whose U-turns were once legendary, now refuses to contemplate a change in her position.”

Normally an audience participation and elimination show has a limited shelf life, but this gambit changes everything.

“This show could run forever!” claims Mafufu. “Our viewers love the cut and thrust, the ins and outs, the constant striving for a climactic ending which never quite seems to happen. Well, they are both getting on a bit now.”

The only problem is the ratings. Who wants to watch a haggard old woman and a wrinkled old man going through the same old, tired, motions, week in, week out? Leave/Love Island is, as usual, promoting a series of big bangs and delivering a damp squib.

In her anxiety to get over the finishing line by any means possible, May has had to resort to extreme measures. Corbyn isn’t helping by keeping his mouth closed instead of putting her out of her misery.

Hopefully it will all end in an explosive anti-climax.

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Putin hails May’s Brexit deal as “Perfect”

Russian President for life (yours, probably), Vladimir Putin Tuesday hailed Theresa May’s Brexit agreement as “ideal for Russia”, and “the perfect culmination of years of work by heroic Russian backed trolls and sock puppets”.

The deal was approved on Sunday by all 27 EU heads of state but Putin pointed out that despite this unanimous approval nothing has actually been finalised other than the UK’s departure from the EU.

“The UK will leave the EU, but without any form of detailed agreement on terms,” he laughed pointing out that both sides are now guaranteed to be locked into decades of increasingly acrimonious disputes without any hope of a permanent resolution.

“Just like when we invaded east Ukraine by proxy in 2014, and South Ossetia in Georgia in 2008, we created conflicts which can never be resolved,” he grinned pointing out that earlier Russian interventions in the breakaway Georgian province of Abkhazia and the Moldovan region of Transnistria are also still festering nicely nearly three decades on.

“Never mind our clandestine take-over of the city of London and the UK’s entire banking system which also can never be resolved without collapsing the global financial infrastructure,” he smirked.

And with UK and EU, locked in a bitter and never ending struggle Mother Russia will be free to reclaim what is rightly hers – everything, explained a smirking Putin, politely declining to confirm where in Europe Russia plans destabilise and rend asunder next.

“Lithuania, Hungary, Scotland…. Brighton and Hove Albion….Europe is ours for the splitting – they’ll be far too busy arguing with our social media trolls about fishing quotas and the chemical definition of jam to even notice,” he sniggered.

“And if you don’t like it, well there are plenty more of your English cathedrals our “highly culturally educated” tourists would just love to visit,” he winked slyly.