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BREAKING : Owen Paterson chosen to lead new corruption watchdog by Downing St

MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES : 10 Downing Street is to drive forward with the advantage gained by its surprise win in the House of Commons yesterday by setting up a new Corruption Watchdog.

Westminster insiders had expected the Prime Minister to lay low for a few days after the stunning victory over those who foolishly believe MPs should be the advocates of the people who vote, and not large corporations, but their naivety is their undoing. The new watchdog will investigate corruption by MPs and act where necessary.

“And act swiftly,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “Some MPs aren’t charging nearly enough to access to government. High profile elected representatives can find their earnings hamstrung by more junior members who aren’t pushing the envelope hard enough.”

To give the public confidence the new body will do what it says on the tin, it is rumoured that the PM has chosen a recognised expert in the field.

“Owen Paterson MP brings a wealth of experience to the field of being paid to lobby on behalf of corporate interests,” the source continues. “He was recently found guilty of gross corruption by a cross party parliamentary committee. That was essentially the interview process to select the right person to head up the Corruption task force. He will ensure all MPs get the right buck for their bang.”

It’s thought Mr Paterson’s unwillingness to accept the thirty day ban from the House was a key plank in his success. Had he just taken the slap on the wrist and carried on with business as usual he may have lost out.

“Entitlement is the only thing that matters when you’re elected to parliament. If you can perform an action you are right to do it. Mr Paterson embodies this innocent desire for self-gratification above all other considerations as fully as any other MP found guilty of corruption. He’s the right man for the job.”

And there will be no time to lose as Mr Paterson will have to investigate his first case immediately.

“His first job will be to investigate himself,” the source adds. “Was £300,000 the most he could have earned by virtue of his access to the ear of the executive? He will be ruthless in his calculation. His sponsors may find themselves with a backdated invoice!”

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Boris Johnson promises to end deforestation by 2030 by cutting down all the trees before then

I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: World beating green PM and notorious tree hugger Boris Johnson has made another unsustainable promise. He will, personally, end deforestation in the next ten years. Sources claim that he will actually make good on this promise by cutting down all the world’s trees during the intervening period.

There is only one snag to this cunning plan. “I sleep all night, and I work all day,” explained Downing Street mole Tim Burr. “That’s his personal motto, but ‘I bonk all night and I drink all day’ would be much closer to the mark.”

So it looks like we will be saved from Johnon’s fiendish schemes by his own laziness.

“Yes, but it won’t matter,” said Burr. “He will go into interviews conducted in the heart of an ancient woodland and he will claim that there is no such thing as trees any more. Even the BBC will put two and two together and realise that the man’s a charlatan.”

LCD Views always asks the important questions. Does Johnson skip? Does he jump? Does he like to press wild flowers?

“He will if there’s a camera on him,” said Burr. “In the same way that he goes for morning runs, cycles everywhere, supports the England football team. He’s an actor, and not a very convincing one.”

A bad actor? Or a bad faith actor? 

“Yes,” said Burr unhelpfully. “Almost nothing in his personal manifesto is true. He doesn’t go shopping on Wednesday, he doesn’t even like buttered scones, there is no evidence that he dresses in women’s clothing, although he does hang around in bars quite a lot to be fair.” 

So does that mean the world is safe? 

“Because one man is an idle twonk? No,” said Burr. “There are plenty of rapacious deforesters who will take his inaction as consent and burn the planet in his name while he gets kickbacks.” 

At least we should all be nice and warm for the next few years… 

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Downing Street recommends MPs salaries rise to £1m per year to stop corruption

PAY PEANUTS…: The shocking fate of a Brexiter MP, an innocent public servant who has become the subject of a witch hunt by a cross party group of MPs, has led to an imagined recommendation from 10 Downing Street that MPs salaries rise to a minimum of one million pounds per year. A believable, but invented, leak has revealed.

It’s hoped the minor pay bump will defend stalwarts of representative democracy as they simply go about their job of paid advocacy for whoever pays them. In theory this is the public, but that is a naive and outdated perception which must be modernised. Public service can be the gateway to untold riches for mediocre individuals, and as such is an avenue of levelling up.

“One million pounds for annum will be the starting salary,” the leak explains. “This will have to be indexed to rise with inflation. MPs will receive performance bonuses on top of that, as is normal for any hardworking employee. There will be an additional pay increase if you are a Tory MP, as people expect you to earn additional income to meet rising living costs. Have you seen the cost of gas lately? Those stables don’t heat themselves! But former MPs, and especially former PMs, will be encouraged to capitalise on their brief stints in public service to make being an MP truly aspirational. This should encourage food bank freeloaders and UC layabouts to work harder.”

But critics of the initiative have said that they can’t see how paying public servants a massive salary will stop them seeking additional sources of revenue, outside of their expected parliamentary business.

“Those critics don’t understand how Brexit works,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Why did we have to leave the EU and all its red tape behind? This is what the people wanted. Now, aren’t you late for your indentured field work peasant?”

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The Roman Empire fell because its supermarkets ran out of cardboard cutouts of fresh fruit, says Boris Johnson

VENI, VIDI, VICI: The world’s greatest historian has made an astounding discovery. Our entire thinking about the Roman Empire has been wrong. 

The historian in question is the notorious drunk, lecher, and sometime hobby prime minister, Boris Johnson. His credentials are world beating (“He is the finest historian, yes yes yes, of his, or any other, generation, wiff waff, yes really.” – Stanley Johnson). His momentous discovery came about while casually drawing parallels between himself and Caligula. 

Received wisdom is that the Roman Empire, like all empires, grew complacent. It literally rested on its laurels. Then disgruntled savages from The North rolled up during siesta and trashed the place. But according to the great Johnson, this isn’t true. Instead, impoverished fruit growers throughout the Empire could no longer pick their fruit, much less deliver it to Rome, because the Emperor had decreed that only native Romans were allowed to perform these essential tasks. And native Romans, more accustomed to getting fat and rich on the back of slave labour, simply weren’t interested in honest backbreaking work.

So instead, to maintain the illusion of plenty, Roman market traders displayed cardboard cutouts of the best fruit and vegetables the Empire could provide. Johnson leaves out the explanation of how printing and cardboard had been discovered by the Romans, only for the technology to be forgotten for a thousand years (“A mere detail, you know, isn’t it, marvellous,” he explained). 

This worked for a while, the patriotism and sovereignty feeding the population, but real, gnawing hunger began to creep in. One disloyal subject, according to Johnson, must have crept out one night and collected all the displays to eat, and in the morning there was no more fruit! The Emperor called upon the inventors of cardboard and printing, but discovered that they had been banished permanently because they weren’t Roman. Thus the Empire fell.

And that’s it. Quod erat demonstrandum. Simples.

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Macron BANNED from Festival of BREXIT as Britain hits back over fish!

TAKE BACK CONTROL : Reports are coming out of 10 Downing Street this morning of SHOCK and DISMAY in the Elysee Palace after the UK GOVERNMENT HIT BACK over fish.

The control of the polluted British fish stocks in the Channel has become so important that the UK is prepared to sacrifice anything in order to prove it is IN CONTROL. It was felt a high level diplomatic SLAP was the only way to show MACRON and the WORLD that post-Brexit UK was “having its hake and eating it”.

The French government is yet to respond to the MAJOR BLOW to the entertainment plans of its President next year, who was expected to join ALL WORLD LEADERS in visiting the Festival of Brexit and wondering open mouthed at British culture and infection rates.

“The Festival of Brexit is the real dawn of the 21st Century,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Not to receive a complimentary ticket will be a burn on the prestige of France no amount of ice can soothe. Even if it was red, white and blue ice.”

The banning of the French president and his delegation from the Brexit festival, even before he had confirmed he wanted to come, shows the world what Boris Johnson’s UK is about.

“Allies need to take note,” the source continues. “We clearly need them or we’ll starve in darkness, but on the surface we must have daily aggression in the headlines or the looting of the UK state will become visible to all.”

Further measures are planned if the French don’t back down and do as their told.

“We will be issuing even more fishing licences to French vessels and not publicising it,” the source advises. “We’ll also ban anything French from our rich, post-Brexit cultural landscape. That will show them we mean business!”

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BUILD BACK BETTER : Government announces £500 off ivory backscratchers

BUILD BACK BACKSCRATCHERS : Some junior minister no one has heard of is celebrating across social media today after successfully lobbying for a reduction in the price of ivory backscratchers.

It’s believed the cause gained the attention of Prime Minister Boris Johnson who saw it as the perfect “troll of world leaders ahead of the Glasgow Climate Change conference”. It has the added advantage of “winding up [the current] Mrs Johnson” whose pretence to environmentalism is taking flak, given her choice of partner.

Trolling the domestic population has long been a source of deep pleasure for Mr Johnson and his supporters, and now thanks to Brexit, they’ve gone international. You can expect a tour de force of shabby dressing, shambolic walking and Benny Hill themed leering from our highest elected official in the coming days. That’ll show up the girly swots of international power!

“The slashing of sales tax on ivory backscratchers will have the woke foaming at the mouth,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It should keep all the endless corruption stories off the front pages. But even if it doesn’t who cares? This shows the hoi polloi who’s in power and who has to take it on the chin.”

The choice of ivory is thought to be exceptionally clever too, being a trigger for the bunny huggers.

“We’re going to set up an endangered animal bank which Tory MPs can donate to,” the source adds. “But access will be means tested. Not just anyone will be able to rock up and take home some rhino horn or an elephant foot stool. Maybe a stuffed wolf? There is sure to be something there for everyone. Each community bank will be easily recognised by the green archway over its entrance.”

You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours – the very essence of Tory governance. But let’s try and do it in style.

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Downing Street to make political donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible

PAY TO PLAY : The wealthiest Tory MPs are in for a massive tax return today after completely fabricated reports said that 10 Downing Street is to make donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible.

Ever reliable, anonymous “sources” from inside the Executive began briefing pliant press mouthpieces that “tax efficient” changes were coming in order to “help complete the transformation from a liberal, representative democracy” into a total Kakistocracy.

The need for MPs to enrich themselves however possible while in office is seen as a key plank of post Brexit governance because “you never know when we’ll need to cut and run after trashing and asset stripping old Blighty”.

The tax deductible nature of the donations is also rumoured to include a special “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” clause which means both the giver and the receiver can claim it.

“This is a completely democratic change which will see investment and sponsorship pour into Westminster in numbers that dwarf even the deluge from sanctioned oligarchs to Tories post 2010,” the leak asserts. “It’s all part of building back better bank balances while keeping the plebs distracted with frequent threats of war with France over a fish.”

To make the new changes truly inclusive the rebate will be valid regardless of the currency used to make a donation.

“We’ll also be allowing the cash value of gifts such as holidays and dinners to be claimed against an MPs salary,” the leak also reveals. “This means that the Exchequer will be writing cheques for hardworking MPs that more than compensate for the sterling work they’ve done transforming the U.K. food supply chains and water quality.”

The public is expected to play their part by shrugging and going to Spoons for a pint that is now 3p cheaper.

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Boris Johnson to build back better by subsidising concrete growers

INVESTING IN THE GRASS ROOTS: Building Back Better is going to need a lot of concrete. Luckily we now know that it grows on trees, so plenty of money will be spaffed on sympathetic concrete farmers. 

Crime Minister Boris Johnson hopes this will boost his green credentials. “Sand, Cement, Stone!” is his latest pathetic three word slogan. 

“Britain will become self sufficient in concrete!” Johnson announced proudly at the COP26 summit. “Much of the UK will be given over to growing the raw materials of the future! It is the ultimate renewable substance! In your face, Greta Thunberg! Wiff waff!” 

This shock announcement left his audience gasping. Johnson’s supporters, including chief propagandist Cora Lunesberg, reached a state of spontaneous rapture. The rest of the unenlightened, probably foreign and stuck in boring reality, couldn’t believe their ears. 

“This plant, which has only recently been discovered, only exists because we left the EU!” Johnson wibbled. “Yes! No! Yes! Well well well well yes! It’s called… erm erm erm… wiff waff… oh sod it, I’ll make something up… Michaelis Grahamii! It thrives on hot air and bullshit!” 

Gleeful reporters for all the major UK newspapers, in other words the ones who are paid by the same people who bought Boris, churned out thousands of triumphant headlines. 

“But we must all take responsibility – I think that’s what it’s called – for climate change,” Johnson continued, acting sombre. “If nothing is done, there will be shortages of food and water, just like in the UK! So follow my lead and do nothing! Let the bodies pile high in their thousands, and then be fed to wild animals! Wiff waff!” 

The British continent melted out of pure joy. Everyone else left the room, and made sure to lock the door behind them. 

At last. Brexit Britain finally has a concrete proposal. 

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Downing Street blames the last Victorian government for U.K. water pollution crisis

A BIGGER BOY DUNNIT : 10 Downing Street isn’t letting the blame for the great stink of 2021 lap at its door. It’s in full flush mode.

While some unpatriotic naysayers always looking to talk the country down are suggesting that the political party that has been in power for the last 11 years, and 80 of the last 100, is responsible for the failing infrastructure of Broken Britain, the PM knows who is really to blame.

“The Victorians failed to plan for climate change, they failed to protect British farming against foreign imports and they failed to future proof the UK’s sewerage,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman explained.

And while it’s true that the water utilities were privatised under a Tory government in the 90’s, it’s not their fault as the Victorians did nothing to prevent obvious profiteering in the 20th and 21st centuries.

“To expect the great government of disaster capitalists to make civil minded business owners stop transferring profits and start investing in a crucial sector is to misunderstand modern vulture capitalism,” the source adds. “It’s exceptionally naive and you’re being very annoying by naming and shaming the bobbing turds of Johnson’s party on social media.”

The concerned public are not without hope though as the government is looking to solve the issue of mass pollution of U.K. waters in the same way as the cladding crisis.

“User pays is the best model,” the source shrugs, “you want clean water you better stump up for it. What choice do you have? And besides, the bloody EU made us clean up our beaches in the last century. So covering them in our own shit again has the strong whiff of sovereignty. It’s exactly what Brexit promised. Be proud of it.”

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Downing Street says it’s “too soon for international comparisons over water quality”

Downing Street is to act on unreliable reports about the rapid decline in British water quality post Brexit.

Operation Cash Discharge will see the famous Dido Harding reassemble the crack team responsible for charging thousands of pounds a day each for sod all results during the pandemic.

“Clearly the budget will fit the jobs in hands,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Billions. Billions and more billions will be flushed straight out of the Exchequer and into bank accounts of private firms rebranding right now to paper over the waste water cracks. It’s a once in a generation opportunity to make hay while the bums shine. After which we will boast about the money spent on cleaning up our water and deflect from any discussion over the actual current state as the turds bob about our islands.”

The tracking of effluent will also build on the sense of community forged in the pandemic as each and every poo will be traced back to the source, and individual Britons encouraged to take ownership of their own discharges. Personal accountability is here to stay.

“By encouraging Brits to head to the river banks and beaches of this great nation we will show the world that the exaggerated claims over pollution are not being bought by voters at home. Just look at the crowds!”

But critics of the new scheme say it’s just another way for the Tory government to enrich its friends off the back of a disaster it created.

“Such petty claims are easily batted away when you see the rate of pay,” the source asserts. “Each poo traced by Harding’s team will be paid at a rate of £1. It’s bob a job.”