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Matt Hancock appointed Minister for Saving Christmas

TURKEYS GONNA TURKEY : In recent days it has appeared as if failed Health Secretary Matt Hancock was going to continue to fail to regain prominence, now that he’s sorted out his domestics. Happily his old friend the Prime Minister has found time in his holiday schedule to help.

“Something had to be done,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Matt became a complete laughing stock again this week and looked like slinking back off into the shadows afterwards. Not while Boris Johnson has the power to stop it. He is still giggling to himself over the way Hancock assisted in ending his time as Health Secretary to make way for someone even worse. Why not get another laugh out of Hancock?”

The laugh appears to be in the form of a new ministry created just for Matt.

“The Ministry for Saving Christmas is going to be one of the largest in Whitehall,” the source explains. “Mr Hancock will be in the headlines daily leading up to the 25th of December. It’ll be all optimism and protective rings around presents, until the inevitable failure and deflection spectacle. Boris is going to be laughing all the way to the mince pies.”

The budget for the new department is not yet set, but it is believed that with Mr Hancock’s well developed ties to the business community he’ll be able to cut enough deals to make it self-funding.

“The only potential sticking point is whether or not Matt can get fat enough in time to dress up as Father Christmas and run around a turkey farm with an axe,” the source muses. “Although Boris is more than ready to get the prop beard splattered.”

Will Christmas be saved? Can Matt Hancock be the man to do it? Action Matt will give it his damnedest.

“Just remember as you see Matt on the television explaining how he won’t reveal the confidential details of a deal to supply tinsel by a bankrupt pizza box manufacturer that people actually voted for this. Hancock, the man who invoked the WW2 dead in his bid to become Tory leader and then doubled back on that. He did that and was returned to office.”

Saving Christmas? Can it be done?

“It has to be. It’s now the entire focus of the UK’s future economic and industrial strategy. Put your trust in Matt. If he’s got any brains the first thing and only thing he’ll do is commission a badge that says Christmas.”

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BREAKING : Job title of Prime Minister changed to “Tsar” in honour of Tory Party donors

PAY TO PLAY : 10 Downing Street has confirmed this morning that the official job title of the country’s most prominent minister has changed. It was felt the old title of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland was too long for modern attention spans and something “retro” and “catchy” would be best to reflect the contemporary British political climate.

“We settled on Tsar Boris Johnson because everyone knows what a Tsar is,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Rumours that Mrs Johnson came up with the idea first are true, but we will not confirm it unless everyone starts looking for her Rasputin.”

While the job title may have been shortened the public should not be concerned that the duties of the office held by Tsar Johnson have changed.

“If anything he’s taking on more work,” the source advises. “The new title reflects well the accumulation of executive power by 10 Downing Street and opens the way for the post to be inherited by one of Mr Johnson’s various children. The Queen is right behind it because the Royals will do what we tell them to if they want to keep their palaces. Also Tsar is reminiscent of the links of the British royal family with other historical autocrats. In this way it’s a very sympathetic change.”

The public are warned though not to be concerned that the connotations of absolute rule the title holds are anything to worry about.

“We’ll be passing a law to make it illegal to disrespect the office of Tsar. So if you’re bothered about it I’d keep quiet.”

But it’s not just a rebrand so Mr Johnson’s title reflects his behaviour and the direction of travel of the United Kingdom.

“When you have a look at the list of Tory Party donors you’ll understand it’s a really nice gesture by the Johnson’s. A doff of the cap to oligarchs who pay to play in the UK today.”

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Downing Street moves to outlaw laughing at German jokes about Brexit

I LAUGHED AT US ONCE BUT I THINK I GOT AWAY WITH IT : 10 Downing Street has become alarmed over the increasing number of reports of British people laughing at German jokes about Brexit. So alarmed they have decided to do something about it, just as soon as the country’s ruling couple return from their latest holiday.

“Priti Patel is incensed too,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “She’s sent a Whatsapp to Johnson saying not to worry though because she’s going to have the Border Force turn off the internet of anyone in the UK laughing at themselves. Border Force will be employed to this end just until the new Patriotic Humour Force can be set up. They’re advertising for staff now. You’ll need to have a deeply myopic and fantastical concept of British history to join.”

But with various ministers jockeying behind the scenes to position themselves for a run at the top job it’s believed Mr Johnson himself will take command of the response, just as soon as he finishes his latest holiday. And before he goes on his next one.

“The PM is thinking of a three strikes and you’re out rule. Share a post on social media of a German TV show laughing at Brexit and you’ll lose internet access for life. Distribute a pamphlet with a print out of a similar event and you’ll be sentenced to fruit pick on a Tory donor’s soft fruit farm. Download a video onto your phone and you’ll have to re-wallpaper his home. He’s a famous liberal and free speech must be protected.”

Hopefully the measures will remind British people that there is nothing funny about Brexit.

“Brexit is deadly serious. It has turned us into a global laughing stock. But when you’re considering whether or not to eat the cat or dog first this winter, and whether or not the use the less desirable [taste wise] pet as cooking fuel, you’ll soon wipe that smile off your face.”

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“We never expected Brexit to work once we did it,” say Brexiters

IMPROVISED GOVERNMENT : The UK’s government and its supporters are facing increasingly shrill demands to explain what the hell is happening as the country smoulders, soon to burst into flames, thanks to Brexit. But it’s okay because Mr Johnson and his cabal are straight shooters.

“We never expected Brexit to work once we did it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “What idiot thought we had any plan at all? Don’t you recall David Davis’s empty headed grin as he sat down to talks with Barnier? Nothing in David’s hands and nothing in his mind but a fantasy world our political system allows him to propagate. If you thought Brexit was going to work you need to think long and hard about your news sources. Don’t come blaming us because you believed elected representatives. More fool you.”

The strong statement will settle minds at least by making obvious what is bleedingly obvioius.

“Brexit is a wrecker’s agenda. It’s smash the UK apart and take its assets. You don’t think all that quiet US cash was in it to strengthen workers rights and protect the NHS? It’s your fault for having a great asset store in the UK in the home ownership of over 50’s. Anyone care to pay for social care? Or that hip operation? Let’s release your liquidity. This is Brexit. Together with arms sales and money laundering. In that sense it works fantastically. Suckers.”

What to do now that the project’s pushers are finally honest about the mounting crisis is not yet clear, as no major bloc of opposition MPs seem capable of mentioning Brexit and identifying it as the accelerant in the UK bin fire.

“I’m sure you will see a leader of the opposition finally confront Brexit at some stage,” the source shrugged. “Not Jobs First Brexit Corbyn, not (sadly) I dare not speak its name Starmer. Maybe someone like Lammy in a few years? Although clearly Labour will have to wait for the Tories to dethrone their idiots and turn on the project before they pivot.”

UK politics. You either hate it or you aren’t paying attention at the moment. Now run along and enjoy your tangible benefits.

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“British businesses must learn to adapt to going out of business” – Downing Street

AND THE BAND PLAYED ON : The UK’s government has stopped at nothing to ensure that every sector of the UK economy experiences the possibilities of Brexit, and there’s no sign of ramping down on that.

Businesses are becoming vocal over what the new opportunities mean, especially given that it’s now a constant state of crisis. Although Downing Street have moved to reassure everyone that the hedge funds are doing roaring business and really that’s “all that matters”.

But to help with the transition to the post Brexit economy the business minister and his little ministers have spoken to the press to provide reassurance.

“Government has heard your concerns and we are determined to do nothing about them but release word salads,” the Department for Business told LCD Views. “We will of course cook up some headline grabbing initiatives to lure EU workers back into the arms of Priti Patel. You can expect these to fail completely and for us to claim success.”

There was further guidance though for any business operator, or employee in a vulnerable sector.

“We are changing as a country. Change isn’t always easy. Growth isn’t always painless, unless you have offshore accounts in tax havens. Ha!” the department advised. “But we need you to do your part to help us seize the tangible benefits of Brexit. To this end you must adapt with us. You must be ready to lower your expectations and crush your dreams. You will face the sternest of government responses if you attempt to expose Brexit for the shoddy scam we all know that it is.”

There is of course one great thing that businesses can do to this end.

“British businesses must learn to adapt to going out of business,” the Business Secretary reassured. “And to allow the corpses of your enterprises to be scavenged over by our party donors. Otherwise what was the point of Brexit?”

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MPs told to face deselection if they ever apologise

SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD: It is well known that the top brass in Westminster regard saying sorry to be a sign of weakness. This erroneous view has now been crystallised in a new Tory directive. 

Henceforth, any Conservative MP apologising for anything will be instantly deselected as a party MP. They will be barred from ever seeking reelection. Any prospect of becoming a Lord will vanish. The cushy non-executive directorships of blue chip companies will go to someone more loyal. 

The after dinner speeches will never take place. Nobody will be willing to give them a leg up, ever again. Their MP’s pension will mysteriously vanish. If they want to work again, they will have to go down to the Job Centre like the rest of us. 

This move is, apparently, part of the drive towards open government, democracy and accountability. 

“We are taking our cue from the Great Lady Thatcher,” explained Home Office wonk Anne Tagonist. “La belle dame sans merci. Or, in a proper English language, the beautiful woman who never says thank you. Or please. Or sorry.” 

This fits in perfectly with Send ‘Em Home Secretary Priti Patel’s vision of a kind, caring, modern Britain. 

“This initiative requires a great deal of planning and unity,” babbled Tagonist. “Part of this needs all MPs to sing from the same hymn sheet. They must all recognise that they are part of a grand plan. So they must support the message, even if they are incapable of seeing the bigger picture. But there can be no tolerance of dissent. Any implication that we might have got something wrong must be punished. Apologies cannot be made under any circumstances. There is no alternative!”

To sum up, if you don’t like it, leave the Conservative party, the old boys network,, the privilege and the gravy train. 

There’s nothing to be sorry about. 

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BREAKING : PM unable to comment on damning pandemic report because “it’s siesta”

LET THE LIES PILE AS HIGH AS THE BODIES : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is facing no pressure to comment on the damning report into his handling of the pandemic as he’s on holiday.

The decision to go to Spain has been explained as a “coincidence” and he would have chosen differently had he known the report was due to be released this week.

“It’s not for nothing that Mr Johnson is known as a lucky general,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He manages to get all his troops slaughtered time after time and then gets a promotion. That’s seriously lucky. He’s unstoppable. You can all be reassured that the Tory economic plan for the future of the UK economy of just money laundering and arms sales is well in hand. Who needs to be in the office to coordinate that? No one.”

Some intrepid souls did try and reach the Prime Minister for comment, but they failed to raise even a whimper.

“That’s because Mr Johnson is a skilled diplomat and is respecting local customs while he’s in Lord Goldsmith’s villa in Marbella,” the source explained. “If reporters tried getting comment from him when he isn’t in siesta they may fare better. Just try him anytime before or after the hours of 00:01 and 23:59:59 any day. It’s really not too much to ask that his effort to fit in with his idea of the Spanish lifestyle be sacrosanct during a well earned break from accountability.”

When asked what the PM would have chosen to do had the MPs taken the effort to give him advance warning of the release day of their report, the source replied, “He would have ramped up his efforts. He would have gone the extra mile. He would definitely have gone even further away. Easter Island or maybe even Pitcairn Island.”

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Minister reveal new crisis management plan is to “F*ck crises”

LET THE CRISES PILE HIGH: As one self imposed crisis follows another, the government has revealed its new crisis management plan. This time, special advisers have gone straight to the top and adapted one of Boris Johnson’s most famous principles. 

Codenamed “Dr Dolittle”, the plan is less talking to the animals and more doing very little. The minister responsible let slip that, in brief, the plan amounts to “f*ck crises”. 

“Our plan is simple and highly effective,” claimed Disaster Mismanagement minister Letty Tappen. “My job is to de-escalate any crisis by promising decisive action in the near future, before moving on to the next crisis.” 

Ministers have worked night and day to come up with a Crisis Management Plan. Careful examination of this mighty document revealed that most of it had been copied and pasted from the Articles of Association of a pizza delivery chain. 

There were, however, several pages of seemingly original waffle. Under a paragraph of meaningless drivel, came the following list:

  • Face the public
  • Use dramatic language
  • Calm the situation
  • Keep a sympathetic manner 
  • “Carry on as normal” 
  • “Robust action will be taken” 
  • “I will do my very best” 
  • “Sometimes tough decisions are needed” 
  • “Everyone must take personal responsibility” 
  • Say it all again

“Acronym means acronym,” explained Tappen. “Our government’s care and attention to detail run like a golden thread through this document. We are also considering the manufacture and distribution of a badge reading ‘Crisis’ to anyone directly affected.” 

If you can find a manufacturer and a distributor, that is, during a manufacturing and distribution crisis. 

“There is no crisis,” said Tappen soothingly. “And even if there was one, there wouldn’t be one, because ‘There is no crisis’ is the first rule of government. And even if there was a crisis so big even we couldn’t ignore it, then there would be very little we could do. Everything will settle down again in a couple of days, so let’s ignore the scaremongering in the press and the endless complaints from remoaners. F*ck crises, we’ve got a country to milk for all it’s worth!”

It would be more productive to talk to the animals, to be fair. 

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Lord Frost receives honorary doctorate from Trump University

LORD DRUMPF OF DRUMPF : The UK’s most prominent unelected bureaucrat LORD David Frost is celebrating today after the announcement he has received an honorary doctorate from a prestigious international university.

The doctorate confirms little Lord David as a Doctor of International Diplomacy and is being greeted as a just reward for his tireless efforts to be Boris Johnson’s personal wrecking ball through both the UK relationship with its entire continent, and more specifically into the fragile peace in Northern Ireland.

Lord Frost is expected to attend a mask-less award ceremony later this winter and receive the doctorate in person from the University’s CEO Donald Trump.

Speaking to the press about the decision a spokesman for Trump University released the following statement,

“Not many people know this but Lord Frost is like an adopted son to Donald Trump. The way he makes deals and backtracks on his commitments is Trumpian to a tee. No one has done more damage to the relations between the limeys and those other people who live somewhere close than Davey. Former President Trump is considering hiring him to negotiate his return to the White House.”

Critics of Lord Trump’s antics have been quick to point out that an honorary doctorate from a defunct, and fraudulent university, is no gong at all. However supporters of both Lord Frost and his organ grinder Boris Johnson say the prize is perfectly Brexit.

“Brexit is one great big dishonest fraud perpetrated by weird little men with deep insecurity complexes. A doctorate from Trump University is about as good as it gets.”

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PM draws up contingency plan to extend holiday if another UK crisis strikes

10 SUN LOUNGE STREET : Welcome reassurance for anxious Brits today after Downing Street confirmed that contingency plans had been drawn up in case another crisis hits the UK while Prime Minister Boris Johnson is away.

Initial speculation had focused on who was actually running the country in the PM’s absence, but that was settled to everyone’s satisfaction by a look at the list of Tory Party MP’s donors. It’s reasonable to assume you don’t pour millions into the pockets of politicians for nothing. Nonetheless there must at least be a show of the traditional structures of UK governance being in place.

“We have the food supply, fuel supply, pandemic, farming, fishing, energy and basic democratic accountability crises ongoing,” a source from 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “They are all really strong and keeping everyone very busy. But some have asked what would happen if another crisis hits while Mr Johnson is um, ah, working from home in Spain?”

Clearly strong leadership is required to lead a nation which is in perpetual self-generated crisis, but happily Mr Johnson will provide the consistent lead the ship requires.

“The contingency plan is composed of many working parts,” the source explains. “Various Tory MPs will team up with our courtiers in the media to deny any new crisis is occurring at all. That normally buys a few days. Then we’ll admit there is a limited problem before apportioning blame onto the sector we caused the problem to occur in. It’s a well rehearsed playbook now. There’s nothing to worry about. There’s just one extra string added to the bow.”

The extra string concerns the geographical location of the PM himself.

“Whatever the crisis is it will not impact on Mr Johnson. You can be reassured of that. And if it’s really bad he will extend his holiday.”