Downing Street is to act on unreliable reports about the rapid decline in British water quality post Brexit.
Operation Cash Discharge will see the famous Dido Harding reassemble the crack team responsible for charging thousands of pounds a day each for sod all results during the pandemic.
“Clearly the budget will fit the jobs in hands,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Billions. Billions and more billions will be flushed straight out of the Exchequer and into bank accounts of private firms rebranding right now to paper over the waste water cracks. It’s a once in a generation opportunity to make hay while the bums shine. After which we will boast about the money spent on cleaning up our water and deflect from any discussion over the actual current state as the turds bob about our islands.”
The tracking of effluent will also build on the sense of community forged in the pandemic as each and every poo will be traced back to the source, and individual Britons encouraged to take ownership of their own discharges. Personal accountability is here to stay.
“By encouraging Brits to head to the river banks and beaches of this great nation we will show the world that the exaggerated claims over pollution are not being bought by voters at home. Just look at the crowds!”
But critics of the new scheme say it’s just another way for the Tory government to enrich its friends off the back of a disaster it created.
“Such petty claims are easily batted away when you see the rate of pay,” the source asserts. “Each poo traced by Harding’s team will be paid at a rate of £1. It’s bob a job.”