BUDGET SMUDGET : Cheers rang out in the House of Commons yesterday as the UK’s (most) glamorous Chancellor (ever) took centre stage and dazzled.
Wearing a fetching, tight fitting tax efficient suit, shoes of reality denying leather, hair styled so hard it was momentarily titanium and a friendship bracelet he is said to have knitted for himself, the Chancellor smiled warmly and let the applause soak in until he was dripping.
Speculation had been rife that Mr Sunak would splurge cash on unimportant things but worries were soothed when he set out details to “undo just enough of the catastrophic balls-up we’ve made of governing the country since 2010, to give the tabloids wildly exaggerated front pages. While at the same time ensuring the lifestyles of millionaires are protected against the inflation we’re causing”.
Whether or not any of the money earmarked for window dressing poverty will make it to the windows is uncertain. And no one on the government cares anyway.
“My budget is based on a fever dream featuring a U.K. economy that hasn’t been hit with an incompetent and lethal pandemic response, plus one not suffering the furious assaults of Brexit. So you can bet on me and bet on everything I’m promising for me coming to fruition for me.”
But the real excitement was found when Mr Sunak reached the “ring fenced” section of his fantasy fiscal novella.
“I am setting aside 10% of U.K. tax intake to fund my personal photographer,” Mr Sunak promised to orgiastic applause. “But not just mine. Liz Truss’s too. The voters can be reassured that as the country burns there will be beautifully staged photos of whoever is Prime Minister next all over their social media feed. I am just a friendly little puppy dog and everyone wants to pat me.”
To ensure the photography is a success Mr Sunak further announced the setting up of “Operation : Dorian Gray”.
“I will look beautiful. You will be reassured by how beautiful I look. And those food riots in the coming winter will be more beautiful because of it.”