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Removing passports from drug abusers won’t stop my overseas Christmas holiday, says Boris Johnson

TOUGH ON DRUGS, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF DRUGS: Some members of the Houses of Parliament are getting worried. New legislation to remove passports from drug abusers is being proposed just as some of the country’s most prominent abusers are readying themselves for a Christmas holiday abroad. 

But nothing will stand in the way of Boris Johnson’s seasonal jolly in the sun. The Westminster rumour mill suggests that Johnson will refuse to hand over any of his passports should any accusation stick. 

There is an additional safeguard in the pipeline. In future, any law that Johnson and his cronies don’t like will simply be removed. 

“What the PM wants, the PM gets,” explained Number Ten lackey Carrie Thecan. “He regards it as a perk of the job. In his own words, ‘Yes, well, no, erm, erm, flim flam, bibble bobble, wiff waff, indeed, jolly good!'” 

Well. You can’t argue with that. 

Thecan explained what this week’s rules mean for the rest of us. 

“Obviously, if you have ever touched drugs, then expect a visit from the Plod,” she said. “This country will not tolerate law breakers, and the only way to get your passport back is to join the Conservative Party, and donate at least £3m to the Ministerial Holiday Fund.” 

So there’s a price list. 

“£3m for a single incident, £10m for a year, £37bn for permanent immunity,” said Thecan. “Bargain if you ask me. Alternatively there’s a Sponsor An MP Scheme. Simply cover their expenses and mum’s the word!” 

It’s an absolute steal, unless you are sponsoring the likes of Michael “Bloke with the Coke” Gove. 

Never mind County Lines, which are bad because small time crooks use them. Westminster Lines are making sure that our overstressed leader can unwind over Christmas. 

So you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it. 

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“Police can’t investigate when witnesses were so high no one can remember a thing” – Raab

IS IT A BIRD IS IT A WAIT WHAT WOW MAN : THE JUSTICE SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB has moved to flesh out his incisive comments about the way law and order works in the United Kingdom under Boris Johnson and his cartel.

He reassured everyone (who works in crime and the government) over the weekend when he revealed that the Police do not investigate crimes that are a year old.

“It’s basically just a waiting game,” Mr Raab impressed. “If you can keep the loot hidden for a year or the body buried in the backyard for 365 days you are home and hosed. The police will not get involved after a year. They just lose all interest. It’s the way their minds work.”

And it’s not just high crimes and misdemeanours, little things like lockdown rule breaking Christmas parties are also out of bounds once enough time has passed.

“You can basically do anything if you can keep ahead of the cops for a year,” he reiterated. “Say hundreds of people are dying alone and terrified daily, drowning in their deteriorating lungs because whoever was supposed to be coordinating the response to a pandemic could not be bothered to put up with rabid Tory backbenchers bitching about having to wear a face mask in Harrods? Well if you decide to throw a Christmas party as a reaction to that and break the law, just don’t let anyone find out for a year and you’re invincible. The long arm of the law gets shorter every day that passes.”

And it’s not just the passage of time that sees lawbreakers getting away with it.

“The heavy cocaine use in Westminster is another way to ensure you can’t be held to account,” Mr Raab added. “The police get bored senseless if you were too high to remember the details of your crimes. Jamming several grams of high quality white powder up your nose daily is a get out of jail free card.”

When pressed if the use of nose garbage bestowed the same degree of protection Mr Raab looked puzzled and replied, “I think that’s a matter for trading standards.”

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I tried snorting coke in the House of Commons toilets, but found it too fizzy, admits Dominic Raab

LIVING THE HIGH LIFE: Dominic Raab has come clean about the large amounts of coke found in the House of Commons. He admits to attempting to snort coke, but struggled because of the bubbles.

“I usually just drink it,” confessed Raab. “But then Govey let on that he likes snorting it, so I thought I would give it a go!”

But that didn’t work out too well either.

“I sat there with my drink, snorting,” said Raab. “But making myself laugh down my nose did nothing for me. I must say though, I did produce some impressive bogies!”

Eventually someone explained to him that snorting coke meant breathing it in through a rolled up banknote.

“Well, I thought, my plastic drinking straw is much the same thing,” Raab continued. “So I did it! Then sneezed everywhere, because the bubbles got up my nose. I told Govey, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.”

But Gove isn’t the only government minister with a drug habit.

“Priti Patel likes a bit of opium,” reveals Raab. “No wonder she always smells so nice. She picked up the habit from Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Jacob admits to occasionally sampling laudanum with Samuel Taylor Coleridge.”

Then there are several cannabis users.

“George Eustice likes to smoke joints,” said Raab. “So I tried it. I rolled my joint first, why you do that I still have no idea, then smoked it. I now have a large supply of smoked gammon. It’s delicious, but I still can’t see the attraction.”

Raab also reveals that there is a small group that enjoys LSD.

“The old fashioned ones, who want a return to the pre-decimal currency,” said Raab. “Mark Francois, Steve Baker, that gang. They claim that unicorns are not only real, but they have seen them and ridden on them. Well, I got some farthings and florins, but no unicorns appeared. It’s a mystery, and nobody will tell me what’s going on!”

And he departed, to the strains of Lucy in the Sky with (Nadine) Dorries.

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U.K. workers urged to increase productivity to pay for 10 Downing Street parties

WHEAT FROM CHAFF : U.K. workers are to be urged by the government to go on a “great productivity drive“ to counter balance the mysterious headwinds affecting the economy.

While it’s not yet clear why Brexit and a lethally mismanaged, economically illiterate pandemic policy focused solely on looting the country to enrich political donors and chums has hurt growth, except in tax havens, the net result is an alarming debit on the national balance sheet.

The U.K. government is to respond by urging all patriots to “redouble their doubled efforts” and “discard leisure time as harmful to the country”. A public information campaign will be launched to shame people who sleep, eat, use the toilet and in other ways fail to “repair the damage the wizard did”.

“The gig economy is bursting with low paid, insecure work that we urge all Britons to seize before we have to offer greater employment protections. For some baffling reason the decision to drive millions of skilled people away has only caused wage inflation in Class 1 driving jobs. Brexiters and Lexiters are to hold a great conflab to decide which Labour leader to blame. This is preferable to acknowledging decades of sticking your head firmly in your arse and ignoring a changing world was a mistake,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

In the interim you are urged to “give up your Saturdays” and “bin Sunday” before anyone starts wondering if the government of the U.K. is comprised solely of “grifting, brain dead, entitled idiots puffed up by dark money funded think tanks into thinking personal enrichment is the sole aim of governance.”

“The recent outburst of envy over the PM’s Christmas parties while people died alone and scared in isolation, because he was too thick and disinterested to use a circuit breaker in September 2020, shows how serious the situation is,” the source added. “Britons must work harder so the Prime Minister can party without it becoming boring gossip in the media.”

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The only legal party is a Conservative party, says Tory MP

YOU’VE GOT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY: Covid schmovid. What’s the point of being in charge of the rules if you can’t use them to your advantage? It’s the main reason why people become MPs. 

The current crop of Tory MPs are a case in point. There is no act so depraved, so corrupt, so hypocritical that will prevent them from defending it to the hilt. 

Now the infamous illegal Downing Street party has come under scrutiny. As ever, sacrificial lambs have been despatched to all major news outlets to defend the indefensible. 

“Why did officials at Downing Street think it was a good idea to throw a party, while prohibiting them for everyone else?” asked every interviewer across the land. 

Most prevaricated, and wheeled out some bollocks about not being there, because it didn’t happen. But one bright spark, angling for a promotion no doubt, had a genuine answer. 

“There’s a very simple answer, and this is it,” announced Tory MP Will Yubelievit. “Rules are rules, and the rule is that the only legal party is a Conservative party. You will find the relevant legislation in due course.” 

“The rules, at that point, stated that there should be no gatherings,” persisted the interviewer. “No parties, nothing. What do you say to all the people who made sacrifices for the good of everyone else?” 

“We all know that the virus respects a convivial fraternal spirit,” said Yubelievit. “This is known to exist only in the highest echelons of the Conservative Party. The virus respects the rules and the authority of the land. It’s known as following the science.” 

Ten Downing Street refused to confirm or deny Yubelievit’s claim. But you can bet your bottom dollar that they wanted to take credit for it. 

Christmas is saved. The simple solution is to join a Conservative party. Immunity from rules, responsibilities and covid will follow. 

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BREAKING : Downing Street appoints Clandestine Christmas Party Planner

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Everyone in the UK can calm down now and stop worrying over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s seasonal party plans in his endless pandemic with the announcement that he has appointed a Clandestine Christmas Party Planner.

The new position has already been filled by an anonymous figure who is said to have studied the work of Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander closely to ensure they remain “completely invisible and serve no useful function at all, so far as the public are concerned”.

There is said to be a generous pay and entitlements package associated with the job with a “peerage virtually guaranteed so long as no one finds out what party games the Johnsons play this Christmas”.

The need for the British Prime Minister to conceal his rampant hypocrisy is becoming more pressing now. Once or twice ministers have been called on their egregious horseshit in television interviews and there is a concern it maybe impacting on polling. No one should be worried that the concern is public health and safety because “all that profit reducing nonsense went out the door with Brexit”.

“Rules will be broken and you will not find out about it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Normally we break rules to show you that we have the power, but now a change in tack is called for.”

The first job of the party planner will be to conceal the arrival of mountains of champagne for the Christmas period at 10 Downing Street. After that they will have to arrange a secret ball, which may or may not see some senior police officers in attendance, along with some famous journalists.

“You’ll never know, so I wouldn’t worry about it,” the source adds. “By the way you have to stop talking about Johnson’s pandemic rule breaking 2020 Christmas parties because they’re now listed under the Official Secrets Act.”

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Boris Johnson’s Christmas “marked safe” regardless of circumstances

YOUR SACRIFICES ARE NOTED : Calming news for the shattered nerves of Blighty today with the announcement by 10 Downing Street that whatever happens the Prime Minister’s Christmas party plans will remain unaltered.

“The public should be in no doubt that no catastrophe or calamity afflicting them will stand in the way of the PM getting hammered in the festive season with his close circle of friends,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told the country. “Mr Johnson did not scheme, bully and lie his way to the top just to let tens of thousands of avoidable deaths among the plebs stop the champagne corks from popping.”

The reassurance that Mr Johnson’s Christmas is safe this year comes as the story breaks that it was also safe last year.

“As you were all making the great sacrifices required last year because Mr Johnson ignored the science and refused to lockdown in the autumn, preferring the pseudo-science, economic illiteracy of his Chancellor, Mr and Mrs Johnson were having a fantastic time with their friends in the public housing stock you pay for.”

The spokesman went on to confirm that last year’s Christmas Party at 10 Downing Street was “mask less” because they thought it unlikely to be able to source sufficient “Restoration era garb” in time for a masked ball.

“The Great British public can look forward to Christmas 2021 knowing that no new variant, no alien invasion, no thermonuclear war, no plague, fire or famine will stop the Johnson’s ripping the piss out of you in private, even as they urge you to behave in exactly the opposite way in public. Merry Christmas, those of you who have survived another year of Boris Johnson as PM.”

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Priti Patel to extend the White Cliffs of Dover around the whole country to keep out the migrants

FALLING OFF A CLIFF EDGE: The ultimate protection against migrants has been created by Priti Patel. In a scheme described as “daring and fabulously creative”, the famous White Cliffs of Dover will be extended to form a protective ring around the country.

As usual, anyone pointing out the obvious flaws will be denounced as unpatriotic and hating their country. This self-evident truth was demonstrated by Patel herself in an off-the-record briefing.

“Ms Patel, the logistics alone don’t bear thinking about!” exclaimed a weary sounding official. “There’s no way we can move that amount of chalk, the rivers would have nowhere to go, all our ports would close, seaside holidays would be a thing of the past, it would cost an absolute bomb, and it wouldn’t work anyway!”

“Off with his head!” shrieked Patel. “Treason, that’s what it is! Not believin’ in Britain! NOBODY contradicts The Prittster! Your head will be hangin’ from the gallows first thing in the mornin’!”

The Home Office managed to put out a slightly less deranged statement. “Extending the iconic White Cliffs is part of a grand project to make the UK as unwelcoming as possible,” explained Home Office ghoul Ade Cutts. “Nobody can scale those cliffs, and if those cliffs surrounded England, nobody would be able to get in. That would make the smelly oiks crossing the Channel in search of freebies think twice. It’s that simple!”

Hundreds of consultancies with links to Tory MPs were instantly queueing up to tell Patel what a great idea it was, pocket exorbitant fees, then advise her to quietly abandon the project on cost grounds. It is just another idiotic scheme like a Boris Bridge, after all, and the only reason it gets past the censors is that Tory chums get to cream off huge amounts of public money.

Patel can build her wall, and make the EU pay for it. Good luck with that.

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BREAKING : Downing Street to decide which Minister will be “first to break new mask rules” in public

A STITCH IN TIME : DOWNING STREET is to meet today with itself and decide which cabinet minister will be the first to break the new pandemic restrictions in public.

The decision to act swiftly now that masks are mandated again on public transport and in supermarkets is said to be driven by the need to have a “fully confused public”.

“The more people we confuse the better for Mr Johnson’s government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “While you’re wondering why it’s okay for someone to stand around in a crowded pub for hours inhaling and exhaling the virus but they have to wear a mask to get there, billions more will be looted from the public.”

The need to confuse also helps with another key feature of the Prime Minister’s style of government, that of encouraging conspiracy theorists. While the PM is deciding who will get to be the star of this cycle of pandemic mismanagement various headbangers in the Tory Party have come forward to make a massive fuss over a simple measure to protect others. It is said to have them all “splitting their sides with laughter” as government by piss take continues unabated.

“You see how swiftly Priti Patel acts if there’s a threat of some paint being daubed on a statue?” the source grinned. “What happens to anti-vax protestors? More confusion that’s what. And don’t even think about making a papier mache mask to protest climate change. You’ll be for it. The old bill will smash down your door and arrest you for a future crime. Stand around harassing A&E staff at night and you’ll get a medal mate. It’s perfect. No one knows what the hell is going on. Essentially Mr Johnson is governing in the same way he conducts his intimate relationships.”

Which cabinet minister will be photographed breaking the new mandate will be decided by putting the names of all of them into a hat and then getting “completely hammered” before drawing the lucky winner.

“All the cabinet is on tenterhooks waiting to see who will actually ride public transport with a photographer placed back in the carriage,” the source advises. “Or maybe even go into a supermarket and stand in the cereal aisle. The opportunity to combine slumming it for a few minutes with confusing the public is like a golden ticket for anyone in Mr Johnson’s government.”

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BREAKING : Priti Patel seeks to outlaw Yvette Cooper

HIT FAST AND HIT EARLY : A STUNNING LEAK from the Home Office this morning shows that world beating Home Secretary Priti Patel is more than a match for Labour’s new Shadow Home Secretary.

While all of progressive social media celebrated the elevation of Cooper (and Lammy) to the front bench anyone paying attention could tell that Priti Patel was unfazed and ready to take on her latest opponent.

“No one can remember who the last Shadow Home Secretary was,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “And once Ms Patel has finished changing the law no one will be able to even say who Yvette Cooper is without risking a lengthy internment.”

It is also said that various ideas where initially floated to deal with Cooper, from wave machines outside Westminster and paying the French to abduct her, but in the end just changing the law was deemed the easiest.

And it seems the law change will have broader benefits for the ruling Conservatives.

“We’ve made great strides in criminalising competence and humanity, attention to detail and focus already, but the new Cooper Law will guarantee total rule for generations to come.”

While the details of the new legislation are being hurriedly cobbled together, the leak says that anyone who can actually read a policy document and think through its implications will be classed as an extremist, have their citizenship removed in a fit of manic laughing by the Home Secretary, and then moved to an immigration deportation facility.

“The moment Cooper starts holding Priti Patel to account and showing her up for the ghastly and inhumane spectacle of tyranny that she is, Ms Patel will prove her right.”