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Boris Johnson to replace Leeds HS2 line with slogan “Get HS2 Done!”

THREE WORDS TO SAVE THE DAY : The surprising outbursts of naivety amongst Northern Tory voters have left 10 Downing Street more than a little baffled this week as converts to the cult of Boris struggle to comprehend his latest broken promise. Downing Street has the answer.

“They don’t need a new high speed rail line,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Look at Spain! Pretty much the entire network there is high speed and what has it done for their sovereignty? No. Northerners need something British. Something uniquely Great British.”

What they need is a slogan, according to Downing Street, and that’s what they’ll get from Leeds to Manchester instead of HS2.

“Get HS2 Done! That’s the slogan that will placate Northern Tory strongholds. We’ve replaced farming, manufacturing, fishing, financial services, building and well, pretty much every British sector with the slogan ‘Get Brexit Done’ and got away with it. People are still celebrating even as winter brings massive increases in fuel prices now we’ve left the EU energy market. Why not use three words as a rail replacement service? It’ll save us billions. The public will be intensely grateful. Get HS2 Done has the feel good factor Northerners need as they take hours daily to travel short distances on Victorian infrastructure.”

And the money saved will be put to good use.

“We’re paying Randox to store the unusable PPE old Paterson got Randox £600m to produce. We can use the savings to keep paying Randox and other corporate interests. It’s a very virtuous circle. I’m sure once Northern Tory MPs are hooked into the lobbying network they’ll soon release what the Conservative Party is all about and blame it on the pandemic.”

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Downing Street hit back at claims Northern HS2 is scrapped – “It goes to Watford”

THIS IS A PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT : FEARS are rising in the Westminster Village tonight that Dominic Raab was involved in the planning of the HS2 rail infrastructure after a deep misunderstanding of geography was revealed in the heart of government.

A Tory MP no one had ever seen before spoke to the press earlier today to reassure everyone that the North was still getting the much promised “levelling up” that PM Johnson used to win over Red Wall seats.

“The HS2 train line goes to Watford,” Meat Puppet Lobby Fodder Surprised To Get A Call For Telebobs MP told a breathless country. “And even a few miles beyond. That’s well north that is.”

While it’s often said that Southerners believe the North begins at the Watford Gap there was an expectation that the cabinet knew different.

“It’s not a problem,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re going to have Sajid Javid use the same magic he has on hospitals to declare any existing rail station from the Midlands up a brand new HS2 station. Then he’ll take a walk along the Victorian rail lines and declare them new too. It couldn’t be simpler. Just think of the savings to the public purse? Money that can then be spent on unusable PPE. It’s a win-win.”

Whether or not the sleight of hand will work remains to be seen, although Downing Street appear confident that the lack of actual high speed rail will mean it will take ages for anyone to get down to London to complain.

“By the time they fork out hundreds to crawl to the capital the news cycle will have moved on,” the source explains. “There’s bound to be another political catastrophe for Johnson pulling into Westminster any moment.”

The PM is to intervene too to calm things down by using a historical reference.

“Boris will say the modified HS2 plans are a renewed harrying of the North! And everyone should be very pleased about it. If that doesn’t work it’s bad luck, as by the time he’s finished speaking he will have lost interest.”

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Tory MP denies lobbying for “nocturnal access” to UK blood banks

“18 Nov. Somerset. — Left London at 8:35 P. M., on 17th Nov, arriving at crypt early next morning; should have arrived at 0:01, but train was an hour late due to leaves on the line”

The UK’s 500,506th greatest living Latin scholar, Jacob Rees-mogg, finds himself in the spotlight today as the lobbying scandals continue to pile up around the failing Boris Johnson administration, and all those little devils involved with it.

“The spotlight is exactly the wrong place for old Mogg,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Especially in the daylight! He could burst into flames. This is a health and safety nightmare.”

There is of course a wide range of lobbying interests available to Tory MPs, leading to allegations that they’re all on the take, but the MP for the 19th Century has found a niche all of his own.

“He’s been lobbying for some ancient and secret sect to have nocturnal access to the UK’s blood banks,” the source admitted. “That’s not as unreasonable as it sounds. Don’t you ever get to midnight and just find your worm filled interior churning with an unquenchable thirst and an uncontrollable hunger? Wait. What is that sound? It’s the master. I’M COMING MASTER! I’M COMING!”

Whether or not action will be taken to reprimand Mr Rees-mogg for his attempts to “shatter the barred doors and feast” on valuable medical supplies in a time of endless health crises isn’t yet clear.

Adding to the problems for the Somerset MP is a list of personal phobias so unique it has led to speculation he maybe even more vile than he usually appears.

“He’s terrified of garlic and holy water for some reason,” the source adds. “And whatever you do don’t let him catch sight of a piece of wood that’s been shaped as a tent peg. He goes into a complete meltdown, explodes into a cloud of bats and disappears.”

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Tory MPs plan to resign if they can’t keep 2nd jobs most popular Tory policy

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN : The ruling CONservative Party has hit a rough patch with the public in recent weeks, although that is largely the fault of the global supply chain crisis driving inflation, and not Brexit or corruption or the economic illiteracy driving their deadly pandemic response.

Happily the GRG – Grift Research Group – has come up with a policy so popular the polls will be surging up like the tides of untreated sewage all around the UK.

“We’re going to resign if we can’t keep our second jobs,” Pig Trough, MP for Lobbying, told LCD Views. “Because if we can’t keep our second jobs we can’t keep our third, fourth, fifth or six jobs. It’s a bit rum. One does not come into public service to serve the public. The public are intensely unreasonable. Have you seen the way they carry on? You can’t help those who won’t help themselves. We show them how to help themselves by helping ourselves to everything we can. We should be thanked for making an example of ourselves.”

The apparent inability of Boris “the boss” Johnson to protect the lucrative income top ups of his MPs has even led to speculation that the men in grey suits will be calling on him to stand aside and make way for someone who can.

“I wouldn’t print that,” the GRG spokesman says. “It’s inaccurate. By the time the fates have finished with old Bojo it’ll be the men in white suits who come to take him away.”

Gold plated crown toppling from his dyed haystack. Face beetroot red with incomprehension and fury. The scandals that never touched him suddenly reaching up their grey hands from the dirt around his feet.

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MPs threatening to resign if they are forced to work full time as MPs

THE DEVIL MAKES WORK FOR IDLE HANDS TO DO: Tory MPs are revolting. The mere suggestion that they should put in 35 hours of honest hard work representing the people who elected them has been greeted by howls of outrage. 

It’s as if the idea that a wealthy chap is obliged to actually earn their income is anathema to our MPs. Especially the ones who claim to be working night and day. 

The same world beating drones are now claiming to have discovered some principles. Or at least realised that they won’t be comfortable on the take in full view of the nation. 

“It’s a flaming liberty, that’s what it is!” spluttered outraged backbencher Billy O’Nair. “Being an MP was supposed to be a cushy number! Safe seat, show your face every now and then, keep your head down, don’t rock the boat, rack up the directorships. A few phone calls, lunch, golf, a couple more zeroes on the bank balance. That’s what Eton and Oxford prepare you for!”

What objection do you have to doing the job you are paid to do? 

“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous!” scoffed O’Nair. “Everyone knows that being an MP is just a perk to compensate for being crap at the law. Plenty of status and contacts. Cheap food and drink. Opportunities to bullshit for England. Bit of pocket money. It’s a doss job, it’s just a chance to grease the wheels. Work? WORK?! Only idiots work! It’s a disgrace, an outrage! Well I’m not standing for it, I’m not going to be made a fool of, plenty more ways to coin it in out of the public eye.”

How dare the ordinary citizens of this great country demand that their representatives actually represent them. It’s no wonder MPs are lining up to resign in protest. 

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Youngest Tory MP retires early after selling his seat in parliament to oil giant

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : The government is said to be in a “stable, but bereaved” state today after the youngest Tory MP in the House of Commons chose early retirement.

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth was expected to be a leading light as the Conservative Party continued to make head roads into the younger voting demographics, but it seems that will no longer be possible.

“We can still use him as an aspirational example I suppose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Although I doubt he will be much use on the campaign trial. Mostly because he’ll be in one of his Caribbean homes.”

The Prime Minister himself is said to be feeling a deep sense of betrayal over Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth’s decision to cash out early. It is understood he had personally backed the youthful MP over a scandal involving a replica ivory shoehorn and a game of sardines which left several domestic staff needing A&E treatment.

How much Fitz was able to sell his seat for isn’t publicly available, as it is a matter of private interest.

“It’s in the hundreds of millions,” the source admits. “I mean would you cash out early otherwise? Given the earning potential of being a lobbyist for corporate interests in the Mother of Parliaments?”

What is also fuzzy at the moment is whether or not the oil giant will attend the Commons personally to vote.

“I suspect they’ll vote via Zoom? Flying back and forth from their headquarters in the eastern steppe to vote isn’t going to greenwash with anyone.”

Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth wasn’t available for comment as he was currently asleep after a late night “sesh” at some villa in Tuscany.

Critics of the MP’s decision are said to be furiously phoning around their corporate sponsors to see what the “going rate” is for their constituency.

“PMQs won’t be much changed over the coming year,” the source adds. “It’ll just be Starmer facing a wall of corporate logos on empty benches. Which is basically how it operates right now at our world beating parliament.”

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Matt Hancock hired to ghostwrite PM’s book on Shakespeare – claims Matt Hancock

SHALL I COMPARE THEE : Former Secretary of State for PPE Contracts to Mates, Matt Hancock, has not had a dull moment since ditching his family for “the other woman”, who conveniently for Matt ditched her family too for “the other man”. What with almost becoming a UN envoy and almost getting a book deal it’s been non-stop Action Man Matt. And that’s not even considering shopping for a new sofa.

Now he’s to really put the pedal to the medal though if he is to be believed. Manufactured rumours circulating on social media claim that Matt Hancock is indeed getting a six figure book deal, but it’s not to write about how he conquered the pandemic.

“That’s because the deal isn’t for a fictional book,” a source inside Matt’s mind tells LCD Views. “Although whatever he produces will have a heavy dose of make believe to it. But that’s just Matt. You may remember Matt from not supporting the illegal prorogation of parliament in 2019 in the service of Brexit? Because that would go against everything those men died on the beaches for. And then he did! Because it got him a place in the Cabinet.”

The actual book Matt is to write is a closely guarded secret.

“That’s why he can only leak rumours about his latest and greatest climb up the career ladder,” the source nods, and winks. “He’s been hired by Boris Johnson to ghost write his book on Shakespeare. It’s not going to get finished any other way. And it’s a stroke of genius from the PM. When it’s roundly decried by critics who bothered to study the subject, Johnson can just blame Matt.”

If you’ve got a job you need to deny hiring someone to do, just phone Matt. He’s available 24/7, seven days a week for any job you don’t want him to do. Let’s call it, a little touch of Mattgick.

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DOWNING STREET to change standards on polls to ensure the correct result is always achieved

IF YOU DON’T LIKE THESE POLLS I HAVE OTHERS : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to be in an upbeat and fighting mood today as Labour continue to batter ten types of crap out of the Tories in the political polls, and they aren’t even trying to, merely continuing the world beating strategy since 2010 of not opposing the biggest, maddest idea the Tories have. It’s worked so well so far, why change now? The Cons will destroy themselves if you wait long enough. Okay, they didn’t destroy themselves over austerity, they’re not even destroying themselves over Brexit, the appalling pandemic mismanagement hasn’t hurt them overly much either, which is the great plus of a constructive opposition. But the sleaze is doing it. The grubbiness and greed. Whacko! The tabloids have decided it is time to re-invent the country’s government!

There is of course only one flaw in all this and that is the power of Mr Johnson to ignore reality and tell you what reality is. And here is where the genius shines.

“We’re simply going to dismantle the old way of polling the public and set up a committee to ensure the correct results are always achieved,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We need to see the Tories consistently polling between 40-50% in the polls again.”

The model for the makeover is to hand too.

“We’ll take the plans we have for oversight of MPs and use it for polling,” the source explains. “Every pollster will have to submit his findings to 10 Downing Street before publishing them. This way Mr Johnson can correct their findings. This is just natural justice. A right of appeal by the executive against the will of the people. It will provide the strong and stable leadership the United Kingdom needs.”

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Control your borders, because we can’t control ours, say people who took back control of our borders

OPEN ALL HOURS: The country that famously took back control of its borders is now complaining at France. This is because it wants France to control their border, to stop people noticing that it didn’t really take back control. 

Or rather, it did, but couldn’t be bothered to actually put in the necessary work. Equally famously, the country employed a Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, to sort out all the problems with smelly migrants. Alas, he is so Clandestine that he has disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

This leaves rentagobshite Nigel Farage, who unfortunately hasn’t disappeared in a puff of smoke, to shout impotently into the void instead. In Brexit Britain, this apparently passes as policy these days. 

This leads to column inches in the more intolerant press. They continue to churn our sensational headlines to enrage people who neither live near the coast, nor have ever encountered any problems with incomers. 

“Les Anglais ‘ave a certain je ne sais quoi,” remarked French border controller Paul de Otherone. “They ‘ave plenty of chutzpah, but no schadenfreude. Something ‘as got lost in the translation, je pense.” 

It’s a bit rich asking the French to control our border for us, isn’t it, asked LCD Views in perfect Franglais. 

“If Les Anglais cannot stop boats crossing La Manche, it is not our fault,” said de Otherone, with a Gallic shrug. “C’est la vie, n’est pas? But we Francais, we ‘old all the cards. And once the boats leave the EU, there is no need to ‘ave them back. I ‘ate to ‘ave to say it, but Les Francais, we fart in your general direction.” 

This leaves the UK blowing in the wind, its policy in tatters, its border as secure as a pair of Farage’s discarded Union Jack underpants. 

No policy is better than a bad policy. This is where we are now. Border means border. 

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PM renames UK to put “distance” between corrupt reputation and “present day”

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : BRITAIN’S 10,003rd greatest living classical scholar is also its Prime Minister and Britain couldn’t be more lucky if it tried.

“Recently there’s been some bad press about UK plc,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the dream factory in 10 Downing Street have come up with a way to clear the slate and get back our solid gold rep.”

The plan appears to be to rebrand the country much like an insurance, banking or accountancy firm post the 2007-8 financial crisis.

“We’re going to be holding a referendum on what to call the brand new country that will be taking the world by storm,” the source informs. “Mr Johnson is said to favour Really Western Siberia in honour of the Tory Party’s biggest donors. Although the country’s newest royal, Mrs Johnson, is rumoured to be pushing hard for Johnson Land to also be on the ballot.”

But while there is rumoured to be “broad support” within the rank and file of the Con party for the makeover not everyone is happy.

“We were told he’d already renamed the country and now we find we’ll have to campaign in a referendum on the name? Still, I guess it will sweep the tsunami of bad press focused on just how brainsplittingly corrupt so many Tory MPs are off the front pages. It could be worth a shot.”

To increase public buy in there will also be an empty space on the ballot paper where voters can write in their own suggestion.

“Country McCountryface is certain to get a look in,” the Downing Street source adds. “That’s my personal favourite.”