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Downing Street U TURNS on new social care policy and replaces it with “THE PLAGUE”

CARING CONSERVATIVES : 10 Downing Street has responded today to criticism of its plan for social care and replaced the entire system with the Bubonic Plague.

The decision to replace the entire costly and inadequately staffed sector with a virulent disease is being seen as hailing a “return to basics” and “traditional old age policy”.

“You won’t have to worry about selling your home to pay for your care if you catch yersini pestis the moment you retire,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a stroke of genius. And your kids get to inherit your home instantly. This is a levelling up decision which means it doesn’t matter how much your home is worth, everyone with kids will see them inherit it the day they get their first pension cheque. Well, I say see, that’s not entirely accurate as you’ll be in a fever as part of a rapid deterioration in your health. But you get the gist.”

But critics of the plan have pointed out that simply knocking people off with a disease that takes you out within 48 hours will see the booming PPE sector “wither on the vine”.

“No. That is just more nonsense from the opposition. The need for plague doctor outfits will be continual. Anyone who’s ever bought a drink for a sitting, or former Tory MP, can be reassured of receiving a contract for those beak things plague doctors wear worth many millions.”

The plague will be developed locally too and will avoid the supply chain issues faced by many sectors of the UK economy because of some weird magic that occurred the moment Brexit got done.

“This is an Oven Ready Bubonic Plague and underlines exactly how much the Prime Minister cares about the hardworking men and women of this country.”

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UK issues deportation notices to Nobel Prize winners who failed to apply for visas

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING HOME OFFICE is giving the stick to thousands of foreign scientists who have attempted to undermine Brexit.

Early this morning Home Office Secretary Priti Patel began personally signing deportation notices to all the foreign scientists and Nobel laureates who thumbed their nose at her offer to come and work in the UK via the special fast track visa scheme.

“They think they can do Great Britain down? Well they’ll have to think again now!” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “We extend the open palm of friendship and give them a way to leapfrog the queues at are boarders but they’re too good for us? We will see about that.”

The deportations will be actioned immediately with many of the Nobel prize winners finding themselves rapidly moved to a grimy, unheated, virus infected concrete blockhouse prior to being shipped back to where they haven’t come from.

“Clearly there’s a few technical difficulties involved in deporting people who aren’t in the country,” the source explains. “We’ve hired actors to play the roles of the Nobel prize winners and they have now been released into our communities to perform. Immigration enforcement officers will soon track them down and place them under lock and key. After that it will be a swift kick up the back side and over the Channel and into France with them!”

The deportations in absentia will act as a warning for any other category of foreign talent who try and undermine Brexit.

“We’re a successful country who welcomes anyone who wishes to contribute to our political culture of government via tabloid,” the source adds. “Once the world sees what happens to you if you don’t come here they’ll soon get the message to stay away. Which is just the way we like it.”

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Nadine Dorries to be made minister for telling lefties to f*ck off

IT’S TIME THAT WE SHOWED EACH OTHER A BIT OF RESPECT: There is no place for disrespect in politics. At least, that’s the case if you are talking about the party in power. 

The Minister for Culture, Innit, Nadine Dorries, is to oversee Operation Gobstopper. This will ensure that anyone found to be abusing their right to free speech (by criticising the government) is silenced. 

Clearly, respect flows both ways. But the government is by definition respectable. Lefties, who fail to appreciate the great works of the Johnson government, are therefore disrespectful. They deserve no respect, and Dorries is therefore well within her rights to tell them to f*ck off. 

“The moment The Left admit that we won, they lost, and therefore that we are right, then dialogue might be possible,” explained Department for Culture, Innit wonk Snowy Flake. “They just need to understand that. But if they will insist on bringing up the same tired, old rubbish about sleaze and corruption and democracy, then it is our patriotic duty to tell them to f*ck off. And Nadine is exactly the right person to do it!” 

Flake explained that it is not disrespectful to use bad language in the correct context. 

“The finest swear words have their place,” he said. “England is the only country under discussion here. Any reference to the treacherous tinpot realms beyond our English Channel will be repelled with English Anglo-Saxon expletives. It’s simply a question of patriotism. Bow down to Boris or get stuffed, that’s Nadine’s message.”

So Dorries will be Minister for Telling Lefties to F*ck Off, and the tabloids will lap it up. The press will become an even more antisocial media. 

A useful rule, in addition, that was sneaked out without fanfare, is that it will become illegal to contradict Nadine Dorries, or indeed anyone else in the Tory party. Naysayers will feel the full force of Operation gobstopper.

And any mention of Brexit will result in deportation. To Albania, Ascension Island, or somewhere else suitably foreign. 

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Save Easter – British supermarkets ordered to put up Easter displays before Christmas

A PERFECTLY NORMAL COUNTRY : 10 DOWNING STREET is said to have solved the problem of how to keep morale high post Christmas in post-Brexit Britain.

Speculation had been rife that once the 90 days of Christmas concludes with actual Christmas 2021 that the public may feel there isn’t a lot to look forward to, but there is.

“We’re going to save Easter next,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “There was a lot of debate in cabinet over which national holiday to focus on next with Mrs Johnson pushing for Valentine’s Day, but she was eventually over ruled by a collective vote by some foreign donors. So Easter it is.”

The battle to save Easter will begin before the battle to safe Christmas is concluded in order to make the endless struggle to salvage national holidays “seamless”.

“Easter needs Great Britain more than Great Britain needs Easter,” the source explains. “As soon as we fill the aisles of the country’s supermarkets with chocolate eggs the people of this great nation will see that everything is under control.”

Extending national holidays over many months has become a key plank of Brexit governance.

“There is some speculation that Christmas may need to become a year long festival that begins on the 1st of January and concludes on the 31st December. But that is a decision to be taken after we actually implement the Brexit people voted for. Currently our borders are pretty much open to smuggle in whatever goods you like, so we may get away with just a three month long affair like this year. Everything is normal. Look! Doors have wreaths on them in November!”

Quite what the nation’s major supermarkets think about having to start saving Easter before they’ve finished saving Christmas isn’t yet clear.

“They’ll do as they’re told,” the source shrugs, “or the Prime Minister will turn up to one of their annual meetings and give a speech. And no one needs that when they’re battling supply chain issues.”

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Downing Street launch “Peer2Peer” a new site where Tory donors can buy peerages at bargain prices

CHEAP AT HALF THE PRICE : GREAT NEWS TODAY for people seeking to buy themselves a piece of the UK’s world beating democracy with the launch of Peer2Peer.

“Peer2Peer is a revolution in access to the inner workings of British parliamentary democracy,” a 10 Downing Street press release reveals. “With just a few simple steps anyone can open an account on our new world beating site and get the peerage they desire.”

Owning a seat in the House of Lords is the new “must have” acquisition for anyone who already “has it all”.

“On Peer2Peer you aren’t limited to buying life peerages for yourself you can also SAVE CHRISTMAS by entering the BARGAIN BASEMENT ZONE and pick up a knighthood for someone you love. Peer2Peer makes unelected, representative democracy truly accessible for anyone who wants in.”

But Peer2Peer won’t just be the preserve of the ultra-wealthy looking to purchase peerages and other honours, there will also be a swap and cash out room for those who have decided it’s time to move on.

“Peer2Peer’s preloved room will allow owners of ermine to sell or trade their peerages with others. If you’re facing a financial squeeze and want to liquidise some assets then the PRELOVED ZONE is the right place for you. Or maybe you want to collect a set of peerages? Just open the app and see who is selling today. Peerages can be sold at a fixed price or auctioned just like on Ebay!”

The only restriction to opening an account is you must be a proven Tory Party donor.

“So long as you’ve donated a penny to the ruling party you can open an account. You’ll receive a link to download the software and if you’ve already hit the minimum threshold of £3m your avatar will be blue lit. If you’re under that if will be red. But don’t fret. The moment you pass the donation threshold your comic character will turn Tory blue.”

Peer2Peer – it will have your neighbour’s green with envy. Sign up today and receive a free copy of the Magna Carta.

*Terms and conditions apply.

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Home Office starts issuing Channel refugees with French passports

PRITI IS AS PRITI DOES : The UK’s world beating Home Secretary is said to be laughing like a drain today after she finally hit on a solution for what she perceives as the problem of humans in the English Channel.

It’s been well known for some time that Ms Patel is seeking a way to stop people coming to the UK by thinking “outside of the box”. Everything from dressing Border Force agents up as crocodiles to building a floating wall of inflatable Johnsons has been considered to stop people crossing the Channel. But now she’s nailed it.

“The arms industry is ecstatic,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “So too fossil fuel lobbyists. Not to mention whatever remains of the UK’s service sector which assists foreign investors with their hard won money. Those three drivers of migration from foreign places would prefer no one talks about why people choose to undertake often fatal journeys in search of a new life. Ms Patel is their greatest asset.”

The solution to the refugee crisis is definitely unexpected too.

“She’s going to let them all land at Dover,” the source advises. “Which may seem counterintuitive but the devil is in the detail.”

And the detail will show the French who is boss of that strip of water.

“All the asylum seekers will be given safe passage to our shores and immediately given passports,” the source explains. “But the passports will be French. It’s genius. Then France will have to take them all back. It’s a wonder no one thought of this before. We couldn’t have done this if we hadn’t have done Brexit.”

The new scheme will come into force just as soon as a French company has been contracted to produce the passports.

“The alternative is to treat the people who make it across the Channel like humans, properly screen them, determine their skill sets and assist them in integrating into society, working and paying taxes. But that’s far too German for Boris Johnson’s government.”

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Boris Johnson joins celebrity video message site – just £50 gets you a personal message

24/7 BOGOFF SALE : The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, is known to be under a lot of financial pressure, although that doesn’t make him a security risk. It does mean he’s forever seeking new revenue streams to top up the paltry package awarded a serving Prime Minister.

Rumours in the Westminster village say Mr Johnson has decided to follow his idol Nigel Farage and charge fans for videograms.

“It makes sense in the context of the ongoing corruption scandal engulfing his government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson can claim all the donations from foreign sources are legit if something is given in return. That way everyone has to stop asking what the donation bought. It’s a masterstroke which will revolutionise perceptions of corruption in UK governance.”

The decision to enter the personal message field is also neat in terms of following in the footsteps of Mr Farage, who has been flogging his wares for months to anyone willing to spend a penny.

“Nigel wrote the policy manifold that is determining the entire direction of the United Kingdom, why not take another leaf out of his book and post some messages?”

And receiving a personal message from the Prime Minister is cheaper than you would expect.

“Just £50 will get you a minute of Mr Johnson’s time. If you think some garbled references to half remembered classical passages will light up the life of someone you care about just head over to Griftgram and have your bank card ready.”

There will be a platinum level too.

“£50 is just for the plebs. £3m will get you not only a personal message but a peerage.”

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BREAKING : PM calls snap GE as he’s run out of promises to break and needs new ones

THE LIES HAVE IT THE LIES HAVE IT : THE UK’S world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to call a snap general election this weekend to revive his sinking fortunes.

The timing of the next GE is thought to have been a hot topic inside the palace at 10 Downing Street as the ruling couple’s hold on power daily appears more tenuous. Photo shoots in hi-vis vests and ruffled hair will only get you so far as inflation bites and corruption scandals daily fill the papers. A much bigger distraction is now called for.

“A general election will sort it all out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson can sell ice to eskimos. He can’t do anything else. He could sell coal to Newcastle. But he can’t do anything else. So he’s got to get back on the campaign trail and sell something. Otherwise the megatsunami of crap he’s called down from the heavens may sweep him away. And where would the country be then?”

It’s expected the decision to go to the polls will be welcomed by the Tory Party’s MPs.

“The next GE must happen before the opposition parties work out that by working together they can crush us. 2024 is too far away. There will be far too much damage from Brexit and over a decade of misrule by then. But if we go now we can pull it off. Then we can blame all the problems on the last government. It’s genius.”

Of course a fresh general election means a fresh manifesto.

“The manifesto we won on 2019 is all played out. We’ve already broken all those promises. Slashing the HS2 in the north and dismantling pensions protections this week has crossed the last tasks off the to do list. But a new manifesto will give us new promises to break. And that’s where Mr Johnson excels.”

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Priti Patel to employ migrants in her office to deter others from coming to U.K.

PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS : The Home Secretary Priti Patel is convinced that the way to stop asylum seekers arriving in the U.K. is deterrence and that the greatest deterrent is herself.

“It’s a vote winner,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Being cruel wins votes. It makes the people who vote for cruelty feel better about their own lives. If I can empower the government to punish people for accident of birth then it must mean I’m better than them. And if we can keep the focus on the Channel then we don’t have to look at why people are undertaking life and death journeys to begin with. We don’t have to talk about our arms export industry for one, climate change for another, international kleptocracy either. It’s very simple. But to keep being effective for the people who want it it has to be seen to be effective. You have to get the balance right. Currently it’s a total bin fire. The French won’t control our border for us. Typical.”

But the Home Secretary now has a new strategy to reduce those Channel crossings to a level that keeps it under discussion on the BBC and in the tabloids, but convinces her public supporters that she is getting the job done.

“She’s going to start employing asylum seekers in her office as her staff,” the source claims. “You do not want desperate people arriving in the UK and then telling friends and family back home that it is a humane and welcoming country. That’s catastrophic to the rebrand of the UK post-Brexit. You want them to say to their relatives still dodging British made munitions in some ghastly and largely ignored war zone that the UK is worse. Stay home. It’s not worth the risk!”

There’s no better way to do that than to have newly arrived humans work directly for Priti Patel.

“Just the midmorning wedgies alone should do it,” the source adds. “And if they don’t the post lunch screaming sessions when she’s got an upset stomach will nail it.”

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Boris Johnson promises a brand new fleet of rail replacement buses for The North

THE NORTHERN SLOWERHOUSE: Levelling up means levelling up. Except when it doesn’t. Some levelling up is more up-levelling than others. 

Many millions of pounds have been promised. Most of them are being spent on extremely expensive external “consultants”, who are employed to tell us what a brilliant job Boris Johnson is doing. 

This leaves bugger all money for the railways. A few quid will be spent on mending the existing creaking infrastructure, as soon as a suitable Tory donor willing to assemble a chain gang comes forward. 

This will mean closing worn out lines for years at a time. People and goods in The North will still need to move from one grim and rainy shithole to another. So in response, Johnson has pledged to supply enough rail replacement buses to claim to have bridged the gap. 

Anybody who suggests that the single, clapped out London Routemaster bus assigned to the Manchester-Leeds route is somehow inadequate, will be forced to sit beside the M62 and cheer whenever it chugs past at 25mph.

The fleet will be supplemented by Johnson himself. Any shortage of transportation options will be addressed very simply. The missing rail replacement buses will be replaced by rail replacement bus replacement painted wine boxes. 

Eventually, the plan, such as it is, is to encourage local interests to take up the slack. Yokels in possession of a horse and cart will receive inducements to whisk stranded commuters from their Godforsaken former Pennine mill town hovels to their shiny new city workhouses. From there, the most enterprising may save up enough to afford a single rail ticket to civilisation, otherwise known as within the M25. 

After all, it’s really only London that matters. London, where the streets are paved in gold, or at least they were until the Tories stole it all.