LCD Views

LOOK INTO MY EYES : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to “set eyes swivelling” at midday today with the announcement of a major new infrastructure programme.

As the nation stops for lunch Mr Johnson will be beamed into homes from 10 Downing Street with a gravy stain carefully positioned on his crumpled white shirt.

“We’re not yet clear if the sleeves will be rolled up or a creased and incorrectly sized, ill-fitting suit jacket worn for the broadcast,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But the message will be vintage Johnson. His hair is being prepared as we speak and a dollop of cranberry sauce smeared across a nearby rug to get social media theorising about bloodstains and spread the message.”

The timing of the re-announcement of the intention to construct a bridge between Scotland and Ireland has some Tory backbenchers nervous though. And not because their chums will get the cash for the latest feasibility study.

“Some are saying that he’s out of ideas. The the timing of the re-announcement of an already binned, fantastical bridge project is just to distract from the fact we’re still pursuing herd immunity via natural infection and the NHS is about to collapse. Nothing could be further from the truth. The PM is a dreamer. This is a dream. Admittedly it now feels decidedly feverish.”

The broadcast is thought to be part of an “image reset” as Mr Johnson seeks to get news of a “bacchanalian orgy of classical proportions” held at 10 Downing Street last Christmas off the front pages.

“This will get everyone going,” the source enthuses. “Just don’t think about all the dead people because Johnson couldn’t be arsed to have an argument with some sociopathic Tory MPs who think face masks are an affront to their liberty. Conservative MPs must be free to indirectly kill constituents with sociopathic policy or what’s the point of being in government?”

A date for the construction of the bridge hasn’t been decided, but the destination is obvious already.

“Nowhere. That’s where the bridge is going.”

EVERYONE HAS A PRICE SOME ARE JUST CHEAPER THAN OTHERS : Great news for people struggling to find that perfect gift for that special someone who already has everything. 10 Downing Street Productions have released a BOX SET of PRIME MINISTER BORIS de WAFFLE JOHNSON’s pre-recorded speeches in time for Christmas.

“As the possibility of a Christmas lockdown grows stronger now is the time to stock up on things to watch alone, or with the only other person you dare be in close contract with,” a 10 Downing Street Productions spokesman advises.

“Our new BOX SET of the PM’s pre-recorded speeches will see you through the dark days as you desperately long for spring time. Every episode comes re-edited to give Johnson the panache he lacks. We’ve even bought the rights to the Benny Hill theme song and you can listen along as he waffles and rambles. Each and every day will seem like the rest of your life.”

Orders are expected to exceed demand so be sure to order TODAY in order to receive your box set sometime after the 25th of December.

“We’ve added bonus content of 2020’s No 10 pandemic rule breaking Christmas parties,” the spokesman advises. “Why not buy one for any senior Met officer in your life? All the evidence they’ll ever need to not pursue an investigation with because of who the rule breakers are. Just the look on their faces when they tear off the wrapping paper will make it worth the cost.”

The box set also neatly catalogues the changing staff at 10 Downing Street as one by one aides and advisers are thrown under the bus to save Mr Johnson’s skin.

“We’ve taken the time to make a collage for the cover art and included postcards inside of key moments in Mr Johnson’s premiership. Do you want to hold a postcard of Dom in the Rose Garden defending his Barnard Castle trip? Maybe Allegra Stratton the moment she realises just how Faustian was her pact? Or Raab staring at a sign saying ‘Beach Closed’. It’s in inside along with hours of pre-recorded video because no one anymore trusts Mr Johnson to give a coherent message if he’s not properly leashed.”

BUY YOUR OWN COLLECTION OF BORIS JOHNSON SPEECHES NOW TO ENSURE DISAPPOINTMENT THIS CHRISTMAS! *recommended retail price of ‘your country’s self-esteem’ is non-negotiable.

LISTING TO PORT : Downing Street has moved to get ahead of the latest “party party party” leaks aimed at politically destroying Boris Johnson, now that he has served his time as front man and been moved to the new category of “sacrificial boar”, in order to make way for the premiership of Jeremy Hunt.

“The rules allowed for games of Twister with multiple households,” a 10 Downing Street spokesperson said, although they wouldn’t show their face. Presumably because of the entirely foreseeable end to Allegra Stratton’s career and reputation. “The Prime Minister and his friends adhered to the rules at all times by being completely plastered on donated Bollinger before the game commenced.”

The news that games of Twister with multiple households were in the pandemic rulebook for Christmas 2020 will come as a surprise to many. But only until they understand that for Britain’s ruling political elite the rules can be rewritten and applied retrospectively to excuse “perfectly acceptable indiscretions, double standards and blatant hypocrisy”.

Whether or not the clarity will protect the beleaguered Prime Minister remains to be seen with consistent polling now screaming he is “stuffed”.

“We can expect any number of slow witted Tory MPs to now tweet in support of the Prime Minister and what is said to have been a bally good time rolling around with the fillies between colourful circles on the floor,” the spokesperson added. “Even if hundreds of people were dying daily because the same MPs could not be bothered to fulfil the most important responsibility of being a representative. It’s the peoples’ fault. The signs that the government wasn’t going to protect them when profits were there to be made were visible from the start. It’s all about personal responsibility.”

Although the criticism will come thick and fast over the content of the latest leaks, people are asked to pause for a moment and consider the choice of Twister was sound, given that Mr Johnson has been labelled “a shape shifting truth twister”.

More leaks are anticipated until Mr Johnson finally gets the message and fucks off.

BREAKING BORIS JOHNSON : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister, Alexander Boris de Man of the Pfeffel Johnson, has given a candid and entirely invented interview in which he opened up about his job.

“All my life I’ve focused on my career and neglected my family,” he told a sympathetic reporter. “This has led to me accumulating many families and a very successful career. Moving on each time after creating a disaster. It’s been a hoot. But where to now?”

Where to now is a good question as it is clear the men in grey suits will soon be inviting the shambolic god of kakistocracy to depart the famous Downing Street address.

“You know they’ll put some smiling assassin in after me?” Mr Johnson asked. “Someone like Hunt. He will present himself as a measured and stable hand come to rebuild after the chaos of me has been discarded. To be fair that is probably what is required to complete the liquidation of the assets of ordinary hard working British men and women. The US private health interests are impatient.”

But what about Mr Johnson himself? Could he not take up bricklaying or painting like his idol Winston Churchill? Maybe pen a giant, multi-volume history of the British people?

“I’ll pretend to do some of that for photoshoots, but mostly I’ll just get hammered and chase tail,” the PM confessed.

“To be fair I never wanted this job to begin with,” he added, “I never wanted to be Prime Minister. I wanted to be World King. I appear to have over estimated the UK’s importance and then reduced it significantly. I think I gave up the wrong passport! Ha!”

Will he be having a leaving party? Perhaps some drinks?

“Yes. But only after I’ve banned the plebs from doing it on pain of £10,000 fines. It maybe my last act of government.”

THERE’S NO PARTY LIKE A DOWNING STREET PARTY: The government has proposed an elegant solution to the mystery of the phantom Number Ten parties. Like a bloodhound on the scent, the phenomenal Dido Harding has been assigned to Track and Trace every single illicit party goer.

It’s going to take time. A whole lot of precious time. It’s going to take money and time to do it right. A detective fund has been set up to enable this vital work to commence. The first purchase from this modest sum of £37bn is, of course, an obsolete Excel spreadsheet.

“Finding a piece of heritage software that actually works is difficult,” explained sacrificial lamb Allegra Austin. “Finding one that doesn’t work is even harder. It is essential that this vital piece of kit is in place before we fire up the good old ZX81. It takes a week to load the program from the old cassette tape, that’s if someone hasn’t recorded Wham’s Greatest Hits over the top of it again.”

There is a great deal of work that must be done. First, Harding and her family must obtain mansions in the countryside for herself and every member of her family. Then consultants must be called in to state the bleedin’ obvious for an eye-watering fee. Finally, after many “business meetings” with cheese and wine and music and party games, the work may be contracted out. 

“Within a few years, we may be in a position to requisition the police logs detailing who was in and out of Number Ten on the relevant dates,” said Austin. “These names will be entered on the spreadsheet and cross-referenced with the famous Taboo List of non-prosecutable individuals. Ultimately, if someone who was present, not on the Taboo List, and no longer living is discovered, then they will be scapegoated and the matter closed. This is normal government procedure, and anyone who questions it will have their citizenship removed.”

With Harding’s track record, what could possibly go wrong?