Posted on

We don’t need the EU in order to thrash the Aussies, says Geoffrey Boycott

England’s premier cricketing curmudgeon is making political points again. Eleven proud Englishmen have beaten eleven sorry descendants of criminals in an utterly pointless game. No thanks to the EU, says Boycs.

“We won two world wars and are on the verge of another world cup!” gushed Sir Geoffrey. “We thrashed t’ruddy Aussies with nothing more than our wits, the Dunkirk Spirit and a stick of rhubarb! t’EU has been no bloody help at all. It’s home grown English talent that’s done it. Roll on Brexit and we’ll win t’Ashes every bloody year!”

For the sake of balance, LCD Views’ Jolly Good Sports correspondent spoke to a rather less strident lady, May Danover, who watches cricket on the telly sometimes.

“I got into cricket a long time ago,” reminisced Danover. “I heard the commentator on Test Match Special say, ‘the bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey’. Naturally this got my attention. I watched for years before I realised that there was no sexual element at all. I still get a thrill when they start polishing their balls, though.”

So why do you still watch the game?

“It’s the sheer joy of leather thwacking willow,” she said. “The raised bat, the smooth strokes, and balls flying everywhere. I love it when a man stays in for a long time. It’s disappointing when he gets out too soon!”

We asked Danover what she thought of Sir Geoffrey’s comments.

“Freedom of movement gave England their captain,” she explained. “Eoin Morgan is Irish. If Brexit happens, he won’t be playing again.”

Are there other possible side effects?

“Oh yes,” said Danover. “The squad contains a number of British born Asians, and a naturalised West Indian. None of them would be eligible to play again. The Brexit Police would kick out anyone with a name like Adil or Jofra, no matter how many Australian helmets they knocked off.”

And with that, she went off to find out whether Michael Holding and Peter Willey were still good friends.

Posted on

Civil Service to be replaced by a recording of applause when any MP says “Brexit”

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : Eye steaming pleasing news today from Whitehall that the UK’s Civil Service is to be replaced by a recording of applause at the word “Brexit”.

”We’ve had it specially recorded by a lackey of Trump’s across the pond,” ERG member and total useful idiot, Jacile Reeks-pond, MP for Carpet-on-bag, told LCD Views.

The recording, which is available on cassette tape and beeswax, will be duplicated and placed in all rooms previously occupied by those traitors that didn’t believe in Brexit enough.

”It will help make a success of Brexit,” the useless idiot MP declared, “because it really believes. Nothing is worth saving if we get to fully apply our ideas to the society. Starve the idiots who didn’t choose a good accident of birth. Deregulate the entire show. Get rid of tax. That’s the recipe for success in the new reich.”

But while the revolution in how the civil service serves will clearly save the exchequer billions and squillions, there have been critics.

”Why just one man clapping?” a thought criminal asked, “why not a mass crowd dressed in a variety of cross like symbols chanting and clapping together? This is a missed opportunity.”

That said, and ignored, it will make diplomatic cables about foreign powers much easier.

”Just applause. Good, old fashioned sycophantic, reality denying applause.”

The recording will also be available to download on all smart phones, laptops and desktops as a vinyl print, because it’s Brexit.

”If you listen really closely to the recording you can actually hear Donald Trump tweeting orders to Britain’s next prime minister in the background. Because that’s how we run our country now.”

Into the ground. For the benefit of overseas interests. Global Britain. Believe in it. Or you’ll be replaced by a recording of a man clapping, which may make paying your mortgage more difficult.

Posted on

SHOPPED : Johnson’s big red bus in for repairs after running over UK ambassador

ROOTED ROUTE MASTER : Boris Johnson’s famous bus is rumoured to be in for repairs today after its bumper was dented running over the UK ambassador to the USA.

“It’s just rumours,” a mechanic at the repair shop told LCD Views, “people are saying on social media it was Boris driving the bus, with pretend journalist, Oakshit, as the conductor, but it’s not confirmed. Whoever was driving the bumper is completely f*cked. But it seems likely Boris was a fellow traveller. When he was asked if it was right to drive right over the ambassador, to please Trump, and if he would pick him up and dust him down, he wouldn’t say yes.”

And it’s not just the bumper of the famous red bus.

“The paint work is all scratched up too. Partly that’s from running down, and then reversing back over, the UK ambassador to the USA. But it’s also because lots of Tory MPs keep coming down to the shop to key the bodywork.”

Why the bus decided to go after the UK Ambassador is clear at least.

“He was a thought criminal. He had to be purged,” the repair worker said, “I think that’s a very dangerous precedent. Between you and me, I get the feeling the Brexiters won’t be happy until they’ve completely dismantled all the pillars of a modern, representative democracy. Back to squabbling feudal barons with the little people just chaff. But that’s just my opinion.”

Attempts to confirm the rumours of who was driving the bus are underway. CCTV is being sought.

“It’ll save the country a lot of money in the end. Think of it as a Brexit dividend. Once we no longer govern ourselves we’ll save loads of money being run from the US. That’s the route that is being mastered by the Brexiters.”

All aboard!

Posted on

“My government’s priority is…” – Trump to deliver the next Queen’s speech

UK PLC, A WHOLLY OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF USA TRUMP CORP – Certainty for voters and business leaders today with the announcement that CEO of America Corp, Donald Trump, is to deliver the next Queen’s speech, to open the new session of parliament.

“This is after it has been prorogued by Boris Johnson to get No Deal Brexit passed parliament,” a source inside Trump corp told LCD Views, “it’s about taking back control. It’s about restoring the sovereignty of parliament into the hands of a tiny hard right, fascist loving, kleptomaniac, faux Darwinian mangling, people hating clique.”

The unconventional move is being made to get the symbols of the UK sub inline with its new owner, after Boris Johnson and his friends have sold their country out lock, stock and barrel to corporate interests across the pond. Just to pretend they’re in power.

“Boris will be regional manager,” the source added, “and he’ll get to live rent free in the regional headquarters in Downing Street. He should be happy enough with that. Well, at least until he blows it and falls out with Trump.”

The delivery of the important speech will change too.

“It will still be delivered from the throne. Only now it will be in the early morning, Washington DC time, when Donald Trump performs his customary voiding of the night’s thoughts via tweet.”

But the text will have a refreshing familiarity.

“It’ll still begin with something like ‘My government’s priority is to secure the best possible price for the NHS’, so everyone knows what Brexit’s best dividend is. Then he’ll break with tradition and begin tweeting out who Boris will appoint as his cabinet. Ivanka Trump is going to be Home Secretary. John Bolton will do Defence. We haven’t thought about the rest, but you’re definitely going to see some changes in the prison sector. Wholly privatised with an emphasis on crime promotion for profit. Expect the war on drugs to ramp up in the UK. Anyway, not to worry, it’ll be tweeted out by Trump.”

UK plc, proudly serving the interests of billionaires in the USA, ever since a majority of the electorate fell asleep.

Posted on

Boris Johnson promises to stand up to Trump by hiding behind Downing Street sofa

INTERNATIONAL BULLY CHAMPIONSHIPS : UK’s next entry into the International Bully Championships, Boris Johnson, has promised to stand up to tantrum throwing twitter twatter, Donald Trump, by hiding behind the Downing Street sofa.

”Oh golly, gosh, has he gone yet?” Boris Johnson said earlier today, from behind the sofa where he is currently staying. Wherever that is, “sssshhhhh. Keep it down. Just flick the lights on and off twice when he’s gone. Got it? Roger? Wilco? Foxtrot? I’m not here. Tell him I’m not here.”

The confirmation of the bold strategy of the man most likely to be the UK’s next prime minister has been welcomed by the civil service.

”It’s reassuring to know Mr Johnson will have our backs in a hostile and changeable international landscape,” a FCO source said, “even if he’s only got our backs so he can stick the knife in if he calculates it suits his short term interests.”

To help make a success of the hiding strategy it’s understood even now that Mr Johnson has asked his girlfriend, and the next First Lady of the United Kingdom, a certain Ms Symonds, to go shopping for,

”the biggliest, bally sofa you can find. Just make it huge. If you can’t find one big enough to hide my bulk behind then buy two big ones and we’ll put one on top of the other.”

Other measures are also planned to stand up to Donald Trump.

”Mr Johnson will be writing formally to the President to request he appoints Ivanka Trump as the next U.K. ambassador to the USA. That ought to do it. Who needs a diplomatic service anyway? What’s if ever done for us? Boris will be using the services of 55 Tufton Street for all that.”

Posted on

Alexa : What’s the cure for stupid? – Amazon GP service launched during Tory leadership debate

NO CURE FOR VERBAL DIARROEAH : EXCITING NEWS for do it yourself medicine today with the launch of Amazon’s GP service during last night’s Tory leadership debate.

No fewer than fifty two people were believed to have sat through the entire debate between Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt, as they sought to win the votes of 0.25% of the population.

“No need to ask Alexa about symptoms,” our political analyst said, “our democracy is in great shape. Well, if you wanted to contract creeping fascism. If not? Don’t ask Alexa to help you. You’ll have to help yourself.”

But while our man maybe sanguine about the country’s political health (he’s fired), many who saw the two men fighting for the keys to Downing Street felt a chill.

“Alexa, how do you get someone’s head out of their backside?” – was one of the top queries made of the new NHS/Amazon tie up, during the televised display of nonsense.

“Alexa : What’s the cure for Brexit?” – was another, but it was only asked by people who want to eat food this winter, so it doesn’t matter.

“Alexa : how do I position myself to cash in on a crash in the value of Sterling? I’ll feel sick if I don’t profiteer off the disaster capitalism currently reducing the UK to a babbling idiot in a darkening corner of the globe.” – this featured also.

But by far the most common question was,

“Alexa : I’m developing a sudden migraine. What should I do?”

To which the reply was to turn off the television, or at the very least change the channel.

Advice the entirety of parliament could do with following. We’ve watched Brexit long enough and it’s made the overwhelming majority feel sick.

Posted on

Who benefits? DWP suspected over leak of U.K. ambassador’s emails about Trump

ALT COMPETENCY : The giant, career ending scandal of the enormous fraud perpetrated on the Universal Credit system has sunk without trace. Just bubbles on the surface of the sea. Thanks to Donald Trump and his affirmation of the U.K. ambassador’s assessment of him, via is multi-day Twitter tantrum.

”It’s a God send,” an imaginary source inside the DWP told LCD, “imagine if the media had the capacity to focus on more than one story at a time? We’d really be for it.”

And for it someone should be. Millions ripped out of the welfare system over months in the most blatant fashion. Brexit Britain at its finest incompetency. Grayling governance par excellence.

”Can you imagine the flames that would once have engulfed the government? Not just the ministry, but the executive too over a story of such eye wateringly poor governance? Don’t worry about looking for a lifeboat, they’re on fire too! Just jump straight into the sea!”

But no. We nerds must be absorbed by Trump.

And we must. If the ruler of our most powerful ally is upset with us, like a scared child stood before an enraged and unpredictable father, we have to focus on what he’ll do next and forget all else that’s going wrong.

”It’ll be great when it’s the Boris Trump double act,” the source continued, “day after day after day, just one giant distraction as the sink hole expands unmatched and we slide into the sea. Think of all the beautiful frauds that people will get away with? And barely a whisper in the news.”

Brexit Britain. Modern Conservative government. SNAFU. This is what we’ve allowed this country to be.

But maybe it’s not a massive story all week, as it should be, because we’ve come to expect gross incompetency in our government? It’s now the norm. SNAFU.

Perhaps it’s time we did that favourite thing of Brexiters. Imagined turning back the clock. But the land we imagine, let’s not make it one where universal incompetency is the currency of governance.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48887753

Posted on

Boris Johnson says he will replace U.K. ambassador to US with a horse

THOROUGHBRED NO SENSE : The UK’s last prime minister, unless Tory rebels actually rebel, Boris Johnson, has said today that he will replace the serving U.K. ambassador to the US with a very small horse.

Speaking at a private function, so the rumour goes, he is said to have made the completely unverified promise.

”A Falabella,” Mr Johnson announced, “an animal fitting in stature to the change in U.K. standing that myself and that other untamed stallion, Brexit, have foisted upon the U.K.”

It’s believed under the scheme, details of which are still being fleshed out, that the tiny pony will be able to live comfortably on the lawn outside the White House. Conveniently positioned for touching photo shoots with Ivanka.

But critics of the wheeze have pointed out that while charming, a miniature pony won’t be able to accurately assess and relate the dynamics of Trumpistan’s administration.

”That’s entirely the point,” a spokesman for a US dark money funded ‘charity’ – Civil Society Pays for Itself by Magic – clarified, “all the real diplomatic work will be carried out via my US billionaire bankrolled colleagues at 55 Tufton Street. The ambassador will be a symbolic post. Although personally I would have chosen a poodle.”

Whether or not Mr Trump will attempt to ride the pony is open to speculation, although it’s believed it should be safe if they don’t pick one with a blonde mane.

”Trump can just open the window and shout at it,” the spokesman added, “which is how the U.K. will be governed post Brexit. Directly.”

Mr Johnson is thought to personally favour the ploy as it should sufficiently distract the people while their will is being directed for Mr Johnson from the White House, and instantaneously via outbursts on Twitter.

And for his part Jeremy Hunt has confirmed, in the unlikely event he becomes PM instead, he will replace the Ambassador with a moral vacancy, ie, he’ll do the job personally.

Posted on

UK’s ambassador to US advised to use euphemism ‘alt-competence’ instead of ‘inept’

TRUMPANIA : The United Kingdom’s executive has issued fresh guidance for diplomats posted in the United States today as the furore over Darroch’s too honest description of Trump’s administration rages.

“A telegram was sent to all outposts in the former colony,” an FCO source told LCD Views, “by order of Downing Street. This is to ensure the return of a special relationship, so, so special, between the two former allies.”

The guidance, containing better words than the words we had before, has been issued because it’s infeasible to expect Brexiters won’t continue to leak confidential communication to the press. And if the leaker is found, they’ll probably be protected, as it will be deemed to be too ‘politically sensitive’ to bring the law to bear on them. That’s because we don’t appear to want to do rule of law anymore. What will you sacrifice for Brexit?

“They have to destroy all semblance of a modern, functioning, accountable government,” the source shrugged, “all SO they can achieve their dream of returning the UK to a feudal state.”

Touchstone words like ‘inept’ are to be replaced now by better compound ones such as ‘alt-competence’.

“There’s also ‘post-functional’ instead of dysfunctional. ‘Neo-intelligence’ in place of ‘thick as pigshit’. The list will be added to each time the special, working committee set up to deal with the Darroch incident invents a new word or compound.”

There’s also guidance for descriptive phrases to use in place of more direct speech.

“Works well independently, that’s a good one for someone who is incapable of being a team player. You’ll be lucky to get them to work for you, another cracker. We all know what they mean. Self-starter with a vivid imagination. It’s for the best.”

The diplomatic row is expected to carry on for a few days. At least until Donald Trump gauges that the press attention over his alleged child sex trafficking mate Epstein has cooled down some.

“Boris Johnson can help throw oil on troubled waters too,” the source added, “once he takes office as Prime Minister. After he throws oil onto the troubled waters he’ll accidentally flick a lit match to it.”

Global Britain. It is a silly place.

Posted on

Man who thought American War of Independence was an air war upset at being called inept

THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP IN SPECIAL MEASURES: President Donald Trump is on the war path today after a leak from the U.K. Foreign Office showed we employ honest ambassadors. But no one is supposed to know about it.

“What U.K. ambassador Kim Carrot said about me and my administration is unpresidented,” Mr Trump told reporters, while inspecting the vintage B52’s used to defeat Lord London’s forces at the Battle of Lex Luther and Concord on the 1st April 1775.

”Did you know the French named a super fast aeroplane after the battle of Concord. They were so impressed. So, so amazed by our magnificent men in their flying machines. We discovered the sky. We really did. Before our air corps attacked the British tea plantations at Boston no one had looked up before. Only down.”

But it wasn’t just the U.K. Ambassador in the firing line of Donald Trump’s 18th century stealth bombers. The put up leak job by the Brexiters also pulled Air Marshall Theresa May in for a strafing.

”I told Ms May that she should have built a wall in the English Channel and told the EU to pay for it. That way they couldn’t get out of Europa to reach America across the Transatlantic Ocean. But she doesn’t listen. Not like my good friend Kim Jong-un. He says my concentration camps are first class. Not many people know that. The lying media won’t tell you how he sings the praises of me keeping kids in cages.”

But who will now replace the UK’s ambassador to the USA? It’ll have to be someone he is certain he can deal with.

”Chris Grayling will be amazed at my efficiency,” Donald Trump himself announced his first pick, “if I’m inept, what the hell is he?”

It was a moment of surprising clarity.