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Two world wars and two world cups, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Who needs EU? Not Jacob Rees-Mogg, who is getting all jingoistic because England won the cricket world cup on a technicality.

“One has updated the popular chant,” said the Georgian throwback, choosing his words with seemingly forensic precision. “Nanny says it’s healthy to retain an interest in the lower orders.”

The chant now goes, two world wars and TWO world cups. All without being part of the EU.

“Well, of course technically we are still part of the EU,” commented the pompous pipecleaner. “But the world cup win was nothing to do with their pettifogging bureaucracy or their funding of random minorities. It was one hundred percent English grit and courage. I am persuaded that our great victory would have been even more comprehensive if Brexit had already happened!”

Leaving aside the facts that freedom of movement enabled England to field an Irishman as captain, and that several team members are from immigrant families, England teams have won other world cups. In women’s cricket, for example.

“Unfortunately that doesn’t count,” claimed the top-hatted beanpole. “I expect women bowl underarm, and they use a tennis ball, probably, and they have to stop to make tea for their husbands every five minutes. It’s not the same!”

Not to mention all the times we won the rugby world cup.

“That doesn’t fit my argument, so I am going to ignore it completely,” argued the inexpert expert. “Cricket is the nation’s national sport, so it counts. Association football is popular, and vitally important because of all the money involved, of course. We won two wars against the EU on our own, and one world cup before we joined the EU, and now one when we are about to leave. The EU is the common enemy. England stands alone!”

At this point, the doctors returned to ensure Mr Rees-Mogg was safely in his straitjacket.

Win means win. A tied game, and a tied tie-breaker, decided eventually using an obscure rule. Obviously an overwhelming victory.

At least it’s only a game. Nobody would ever decide the future of a whole country like this.

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Scotland and Germany sign joint letter telling Donald Trump not to go back where he came from

DOG WHISTLING DONALD : The leaders of Scotland and Germany have signed a joint letter today telling Donald Trump not to go back where he came from.

The diplomatic move was a result of Donald Trump doing his utmost, again, to drive white bedsheet sales upwards in his idea of the ideal America.

”The first minister and the chancellor both felt a chill run up their spines when they heard of Drumpf’s latest attempt to turn the USA into a replica 1930’s theme park,” a Holyrood insider told LCD Views, “then they felt it run down again when they realised what the result would be if he followed his own advice.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the two European leaders have perhaps been too hasty.

”Given that Trump, or Drumpf, has both Scottish and German ancestry he would have to divide himself in two to follow his own nasty advice,” one social commentator wrote, “so that would result in either a bloody mess no one will want to put back together, except for bedsheet sellers, or two smaller mini-me style Trump’s. They’d find it harder given the atmosphere of intolerance that Trump has fostered all over.”

But critics of the critics have turned to a noted cell biologist to counter the critics.

”It’s a terrible idea,” a noted cell biologist said, “Trump is a single cell organism. Like a virus or a bacteria. The last thing the world needs is him dividing in two. He’d go on and multiply right out of the Petri dish and we’d find him all over.”

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Brexit Dividends – blue ration books to play “Land of Hope and Glory” when opened

BELLY FULL OF SOVEREIGNTY : GREAT NEWS today that Brexit MPs have succeeded in redesigning the British passport blue ration books to instill a sense of patriotism, and a willingness to pay whatever price is needed to make a success of Brexit.

Burnt Jericho MP, supported by Drawn Bridge MP, both hard Brexit pushing Tories, have successfully lobbied DExEU into a rapid redesign of the already warehoused ration books.

“When someone with a grumbling belly, who may perhaps, just perhaps, feel inclined to blame remoaners for feeling more peckish than usual opens one of the British blue food ration books then a bit of Elgar is just the ticket to bring out a sense of unity and common purpose,” Burnt Jericho said, as he proudly stood before a poster sized poor map from the 19th century.

But critics of the redesign have pointed out that ‘God Save The Queen’ would surely have been the way to bring people together.

“I don’t think the song matters too much,” Jericho MP retorted, with a shrug, “as long as it’s a patriotic song. I can see it already. The food ration queues peacefully stretching all the way from the food bank to the ration warehouse, noble Britons holding hands with their ration books open, Elgar ringing from thousands of small microchips at once as the children sing in harmony. A green and pleasant land indeed!”

LCD Views is not entirely convinced songs emanating from ration books will be enough, especially as the music hasn’t been chosen by a simple, advisory referendum.

But we do concur, that a willingness to celebrate the gross failures of ideologically driven politics and avoidable hardships imposed on a trapped populace, are needed to help make a success of Brexit.

If MPs are celebrating food bank warehouses now, just imagine what they’ll celebrate if they ever get what they really want.

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Photo of Neville Chamberlain chosen as next U.K. ambassador to Trump’s USA

COMING UP TRUMPS : Global Britain is set to take centre stage on the Washington stage after a famous photo of Neville Chamberlain was chosen to be the next U.K. ambassador to Trump’s USA.

”It wasn’t difficult,” an aide close to Boris Johnson (widely believed to have been instrumental in the constructive dismissal of the last ambassador) told LCD Views, “as we needed someone who properly symbolises our response to the Trump regime tearing children away from their families. Oh, and holding thousands of people in inhuman conditions in cages.”

What the photo itself thinks isn’t clear, but it’s presumed it’ll see the opportunity for career advancement and take it.

”Peace in our time,” the insider explained, “that’s the message. Let Donald Trump appoint and fire our diplomatic staff via tantrums on social media and let there be peace between tyrants, in our time.”

The news may come as a blow to some though.

”Oswald Mosley was in the running, but he’s dead and we don’t know where he is. So a no show is a no go.”

But Nigel Farage was also picked as a likely replacement to Kim Darroch. A man with experience on the world stage who could strike the right tone in diplomatic cables back from Washington. And fast too, as he’d just shout praise for the thin skinned, tiny handed, orange tyrant from a mobile LBC studio.

”Sadly he couldn’t take the post,” the insider shrugged, “he’s far too busy with his work as an MEP.”

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Brexflix launches tonight 11pm – streaming service only showing British people punching themselves in the face

ALGORITHM OF PAIN : The British Government has announced the launch of a taxpayer funded, video streaming service today. Brexflix, which will only be showing videos of British people punching themselves in the face. It will go live at 12:00 CET tonight.

”It’s a tangible Brexit dividend,” our Westminster source said, “patriotic British people uploading photos of themselves punching themselves in the face. It proves we can pull together and get through Brexit. And now it’s over, how we feel about what we’ve won.”

The content will be entirely provided by potatriots and it’s expected the content will be endless.

”But don’t just settle for curling your fist and bopping yourself on the nose,” the source says, “get inventive. Wear a glove. Put on some knuckledusters. Hold your car keys while you do it. Perhaps even put on a French or German accent! We all know who is to blame for Brexit.”

Once the channel has been successfully launched it’s hoped the content will be as varied as the British political climate’s appetite for self harm.

”Make your hand into the shape of a pistol and pretend to blow off your foot,” the source encourages, “then pretend to shoot yourself in the other foot. Maybe the knees? It’s a hoot. That’s Brexit.”

The morale boosting service won’t contain advertising, which is great.

”This is because you’re already paying to fund it with your tax money. Every single penny is being spent on Brexit. That’s so patriotic.”

Other variations are to be encouraged too.

”Why not cut your nose off?” the source urges, “that’ll really teach your face not to mess with the will of the people.”

Brexit. Let’s make a success of it. And with the launch of Brexflix, we can show the whole world how to do it.

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Boris Johnson cast as Baldrick after revealing he has a cunning plan for Brexit

A PLAN SO CUNNING YOU COULD STICK A PIN IN IT AND CALL IT A GRENADE : Boris Johnson MP has almost definitely won the prize role of Baldrick in the Westminster farce ‘Blackadder does Brexit” after revealing he has a cunning plan for Brexit.

The audition for the role of the biggest lovable idiot was touch and go for a while, before Boris rescued himself with the detail of his harebrained scheme.

”He’s not very lovable,” our theatre critic commented, “Boris I mean. Baldrick always is, the beaten dog who just keeps showing up optimistically for more, always eager to help. But not Boris. He’s a little miscast. But as the only other actor who wants the role is Jeremy Hunt, well…spoiled for choice isn’t the lot of the casting director.”

But whatever the misgivings of casting a posh, entitled, lazy bully in the role of Baldrick, Boris’ grasp of the detail seems to have won the day.

But what is his cunning plan for Brexit?

”He’s going to take the UK’s entire wealth, and whatever shreds are left of its international reputation and spend it all on a giant turnip.”

That will be a No Deal Brexit?

”Yes. Apparently it’s his dream turnip.”

But critics of the plan fear the turnip will just end up squashed on Mr Johnson’s head out of frustration by Blackadder.

But who is playing Blackadder in the Westminster production of ‘Blackadder does Brexit’?

“That’ll be the great British public,” our critic replied, “we seem to have an endless ability to trust in the plans of idiots.”

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Alice in the Blunderworld, a tale of hope for the future!

LCD Views have had the privilege of an audience with Mystic Martin who looked into the future, and saw that Brexit, the great issue of our day, had been cancelled eventually.

The details of how that happened can be found elsewhere , but our tale is concerned with the visit of our reporter to see the ghost of Brexit.

Our reporter Alice went down to Blunderworld, the Dustbin of History, where everything that ever happened is eventually consigned.

She had to cross the river of Leaver Lies on a boat rowed by Karen the Careworn Couldn’t Care Less ferry person, who had previously played a part in the ferry services involved in Brexit. And she had the terms and conditions of her contract borrowed from a pizza firm to prove it.

“You must pay me the fee for rowing you to Blunderland” croaked Karen.

“What’s that?” asked Alice, hoping there wouldn’t be a scandal if she claimed this on expenses. “It’s one eu-row” laughed Karen.

On the other side Alice found a bus waiting for her, driven by Brexy who was an On the Buses Inspector.

There was no writing on the bus and Alice asked where the 350 million for the NHS was?

“You can’t put that on the side of a bus” snorted Brexy, “we’d be up before the ECJ before you could say Tommy Robinson, or whatever his name is!”

Alice was dropped off by a lake, which was beer not water, and had tobacco fumes rising from it, from somewhere in the middle. There, just about visible was a little island on which sat a creature with bulbous eyes, playing with some fish, puffing on a cigarette and muttering “Precious, where did you go?”

“That’s Nigel Bollux , the ghost of Brexit” said Brexy.

There was another figure on the island which Brexy explained was a female called Helen Een, who had met Bollux on the night that Brexit was due to happen. It was only fitting that they should be together to keep each other company.

Having seen what she came to see, Alice returned, heartily relieved that Brexit was safely binned and that it wasn’t coming back, unless of course it escaped and came back to trouble us again. She also hoped that she’d get a good exchange rate for her eu-row when she claimed her expenses.

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Believe in US – UK Government launches diplomatic PR drive in wake of Darroch scandal

LEAKPROOF IS FOOLPROOF : The MIGHTY BRITISH Government has today announced a diplomatic PR drive in the wake of the Darroch scandal.

The drive, with the working title of ‘Believe In US’ will go on throughout the summer and is aimed at winning back lost reputational cache after the UK’s ambassador to the USA was rightly set up and felled on the world stage. All thought criminals will face the same justice.

”Just because we’re turning on our own doesn’t mean you can’t trust us,” mouthpiece for the campaign, Isabell Oldshaft, told LCD Views, “we’re rooting out our own traitors. We’re putting the fear of being labelled heretic for honestly doing your job into our own people. Not yours. You can trust US.”

As part of the PR drive, which can’t fail to reassure our grateful trading partners and colonies, fresh posters have been produced to be displayed at imperial outposts across the globe.

“This can only help with our outreach mission,” Oldshaft commented, “and the battalion of catchy phrases too. Such as ‘Brexit Britain – send us your cash, but keep your people at home’, such instructive, trendy messaging will hopefully save us from having to deport so many undesirables. Believe in Brexit. Believe in purity.”

The posters will also be available to purchase at home and it is recommended that every house buys one and displays it proudly in a street facing window.

”Get ahead of the game on that one,” Oldshaft suggested, “once the PR campaign has won back our reputation as a country sensiblely governed by mature, forward looking, pragmatic people, then we’ll be taking the purge from the civil service and into each and every home.”

Believe in US. Or face the consequences.

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British woman shares home with corpse for three years

INSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET OR BRAINS BRAINS : A British woman is under scrutiny today after it was discovered that she’s shared her London home with a corpse for the last three years. A red, white and blue corpse at that.

The woman is understood to have moved into the plush central London address upon taking up a new job in July 2016. According to reports, she carried the corpse in with her.

Police are due to escort the woman when she moves out of the address later in the month.

“She’s going to leave the stinking corpse behind though,” a source inside the address told LCD Views, “this way it can carry on living with the next occupant. Its arms fell off the other day. We just cello taped them back on.”

The corpse is believed to go by the name of Brexit.

“It’s undead,” the source revealed, “it spends its time wandering the halls calling in a long moan for brains, brains. Then it eats the brains of anyone it can get hold of. The woman in question is a good example.”

But with a man set to take up the tenancy, won’t his brain be in danger of being consumed by Brexit also?

“Oh, I think he’s pretty safe,” the source smirked.

But surely, a nice, plump fresh brain will be irresistible to Brexit?

“After seeing how the woman has fared living with Brexit for the last three years, but he now wants to move in and live with the Brexit corpse? It doesn’t take a genius to work out that the man in question is already brainless.”

It also doesn’t take a genius to work out it’s time someone took Brexit out the back and buried it.

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BRING ME SUNSHINE : Hunt promises bigger navy to protect shipments of renewable energy

WIND, LIGHT, EBB AND FLOW : TORY LEADERSHIP (USING THAT WORD LOOSELY) hopeful Jeremy Hunt has promised a much bigger navy today in response to the rising tensions in the Gulf.

“The Iranians are likely to raid our sunshine,” he sighed, “we need to establish a ring of steel about the burning ball above. Much like we have to protect the endless shipments of dead dinosaurs we ship about the globe. The sun must be guarded also so its light can be gathered into panels before bad actors steal it on the way. I will match the billions spent guarding oil with the same spend in blood and treasure guarding the sun.”

But it’s not just solar energy that needs protecting in an area of rising global tensions.

“Wind too. We shall direct the RAF to patrol constantly to ensure the wind is able to reach our turbines. So too the tides. It’s a credible threat. Men from far away specially trained to ride tide stealing surfboards. Trident submarines will guard the ebb and flow when I am PM.”

It’s obvious that any transition to renewable energy sources will only lead to increasing tensions with the big oil states.

Boris Johnson wasn’t to be outdone. He matched Hunt’s promises with his own.

“Whoever heard of ships propelled by wind?” he shook his head, “oil is the future. More oil. Big, lovely ships full of oil in their bellies at risk of being blown up. And what’s better is it’s free! The dinosaurs buried it in the ground before they shuffled off the mortal coil. If everyone knows we’re prepared to go to war to protect dinosaur eggs there is no risk of war. It’s the future. It’s the only way to ensure peace on earth.”

He added that he would order the RAF to patrol the wind and get in front of it before it gets away.

“Endless risk of war is the only way. Renewables are so yesterday.”