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Government policy replaced by Leave.EU propaganda

The government of national disunity has become the political wing of Leave.EU. Bereft of any real ideas or policies, it has substituted recycled propaganda.

This is why Boris Johnson is insisting that he’s going to do a great deal with the EU. Expect him to assert that we hold all the cards.

Expect him to deny that, with hindsight, that these cards are a joker, a business card from Dawdle, Ripov & Scarper estate agents, and Mr Bun the baker.

Expect him to say that these are brand new cards, and not the old cards covered with childish graffiti.

Expect him to tell you that post-Brexit Britain will be like an unsubtle variation of ‘sunlit uplands’. Sunny Highlands or something. Expect him to feign surprise when the country says ‘Bollocks!’

Expect an emphasis on blame. Britain’s Brexit policy and subsequent failure is already the fault of the EU, and, oddly, Ireland. Everyone’s fault but mine is the line. Pig farmers, global warming, negative thinking. Expect it to be all your own fault. Expect Britain to point the finger straight back.

Expect blatant racism. Swarms and hordes of vermin swamping the country. Reds under the bed. Any opponents of the Brexit faith denounced as traitors, saboteurs, enemies. Yada yada yada. Expect Boris to falter and corpse as even he can’t believe he’s saying it.

Expect pots to call the kettles black. Wait for unelected bureaucrat Dominic Cummings to call properly elected EU representatives unelected bureaucrats. Expect even the Daily Telegraph to start questioning this approach. Expect the country to laugh at Cummings and make crude puns on his name.

Expect Nigel Farage to come steaming in to denounce all and sundry, and say that he, and only he, is the true Keeper of the Flame of Brexit. Expect him to talk big but offer no practical advice. Expect him to offer to take over as PM, accountable only to himself. Expect him to slink away when nobody listens to him this time.

Expect Brexit to be cancelled instead of delayed this time.

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Dominic Raab rumoured treated for shock in Canada at discovery British Columbia isn’t British anymore

Who’s dumb and confused by maps : Raab is! Rumours on the news wires today that British FCO Dominic Raab was treated for shock yesterday in Canada after a geographical stun grenade went off in his mind.

“Let’s be clear,” Doctor Mounted, Register at Colombie-Britannique Royal Infirmary, said, “the cartographical explosion happened in what serves for his mind. I ran the scans myself. The casserole of nonsense inside that cranium deserves further study. It’s not what I would call classical human grey matter.”

The treatment appears to have consisted largely of sedation and being placed in front a photograph of himself smiling.

“We hadn’t quite realised until recently how effective looking at a happy picture of the self is for English Tory narcissists,” Doctor Mounted rose steeply, “but when applied to the eyes, with some Elgar playing softly in the background, with the additional tincture of Boycott talking about rhubarb, the recovery can be exceptionally speedy. The horrible psychological episode is quickly erased by a re-discovery of one’s own imagined self-importance.”

Good news.

Raab himself is rumoured (nothing in this article is real) to have told a close aide, after he regained full consciousness, signified by the throbbing vein on his right temple THROBBING, that he should have paid more for his geography GCSE, and maybe even shelled out on a history one.

How the Canadians managed to get British Columbia away from the UK while still keeping the name British involved is a mystery that the FCO is said to be determined to solve.

“It’s probably the French,” an aide to Raab conjectured, “they’ll do anything to making leaving the EU difficult. Especially stealing the colonies the UK needs to make itself great again.”

As an interim measure Raab has ordered maps at the FCO in London to be redrawn to move British Columbia from the west coast of Wales, where he had personally drawn it in, and to somewhere in the mid-Atlantic.

“Just until he can work out what the hell is going on.”

Having made a full recovery Dom has now journeyed south, across a newly discovered land bridge between Canada and the USA, where he will spend his time being comforted by warmongers. Presumably being encouraged to go home and order something blown up in the Middle East.

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Interrail cancelled because we don’t want young people getting the idea that train travel is cheap and efficient

Interrail is going – well, it’s going all over Europe, but it is not going to the UK. The reasons are complex and confusing, so let’s just blame Brexit.

Except London. You can go to London. But that’s only because they haven’t closed the channel tunnel yet.

The original, Victorian, channel tunnel was cancelled because of the fear of invasion. The 21st century killjoys don’t want to be invaded by wide-eyed young foreigners talking in foreign.

But even worse is the fear of radicalisation by the EU. “We can’t have young people growing up believing that rail services can be cheap, efficient, and worst of all, publicly owned!” spluttered unelected British bureaucrat Rusty Rayles.

It’s pure xenophobia too, of course. “We strongly believe that British seats on British trains in Britain should be taken by British bottoms, and not by foreign arses,” insisted Rayles, turning a bit more gammony. “Imagine if, on your way to work, your usual seat is taken up by some scruffy long-haired oik from Madrid called Pedro, smelling of garlic, playing a guitar and talking loudly to his mates across the carriage in Spanish! The very notion is abhorrent!”

In these small-minded times, freedom of movement is regarded as a bad thing. Official thinking is that people should stay in one place, and be of one mind, unless their feudal overlord grants them leave. No train, no gain.

“We want our railways back!” harrumphed Rayles. “Hundreds of different companies! Stations in the middle of nowhere! Smoke, steam, and travelling to nowhere in particular at a snail’s pace! First class for the people who matter, and a couple of cattle trucks for the rest! And we don’t want them to be used by every Tomas, Ricardo and Henriques!”

Change here for Brexit Britain. Yes, the train carries on, but you must get off. Unfortunately, the line hasn’t been built yet and the route is still undecided. Here, let’s shunt you into a siding for a bit. Rejoice!

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Come Off It Cummings! Unelected bureaucrat replaces Larry with fluffy white Persian cat

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE : The unelected bureaucrat Dominic Cummings, currently running the United Kingdom into disaster (because it allows Boris Johnson to have long naps?), has announced he has replaced Larry the Downing Street cat with a fluffy white Persian cat.

“It’s the will of the people,” a hungry and unshaven Cummings told reporters waiting outside his 10 Downing Street home, “and you ain’t seen nothing yet. Nothing can stop me smashing the establishment. I’m just going to keep coming up with ways to transform the country.”

Whether or not you think your elected representatives, or yourself, should have a say in these changes doesn’t figure in Mr Cummings mad scheming.

“I’m anti-establishment. I’m the anti-establishment maverick,” he added, “I’m a genius. But I’m too modest to say it. Well, if by genius you mean well funded manipulator and propagandist. I’m going to smash the establishment.”

By establishment he appears to mean representative democracy, regulatory safeguards and presumably the national health service.

“I’m anti-establishment,” he reiterated, “well, those parts of it that have grown out of all control since the Glorious Revolution of the 17th century. Look at my place in society? It’s born to rule. Parliament is an irritant that needs putting back in its place. I’m a genius. But I’m too modest to say it.”

But why get rid of Larry the mouser from Downing Street?

“He makes the plebs happy,” Mr Cummings spat, “that’s reason enough. But also, when I’m relaxing in the prime minister’s chair and dreaming up new genius ways to convince the great unwashed they want to smash those parts of the establishment that safeguard them from hard right moneymen, I want a pussy I can stroke. And Larry isn’t that.”

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Boris Johnson to restore faith in democracy by being booted out of office by government of national unity

PLAYTIME IS OVER : The last Tory prime minister of Little Britain, Boris Johnson, has indicated today that he is to restore faith in British democracy by being booted out of office by a government of national unity.

”It’s impressively considerate, for Noris Johnson,” Mrs Makit Appen, MP United-on-Kingston told LCD Views, “daily he lets that lunatic Cummings be his government’s mouthpiece. Daily pushing more MPs to the edge of sanity. Daily more quietly cross over the edge and into it. Quietly more indicate privately they’ll be prepared to join it. Quite the master stroke. The plan to avoid parliamentary scrutiny by ending the Tory leadership contest just before school holidays was another masterstroke.”

And preparation for a government of national unity is well underway.

”Labour leadership are being very helpful in this too,” Mrs Appen observes, “by refusing to countenance it, and continuing to demand a GE to get the Tories out, but refusing to make the one guaranteed play that would do it, with a GE to follow, quietly, more and more of their MPs are giving up on them and thinking a GNU would be okay. That’s impressively collaborative in a cross party sense. The smaller parties are all benefiting from a perception of being prepared to work together for the common good. Country above party. Now that’s some good PR right there. Clever. Long term political strategy. Wins you votes.”

But the real push for a GNU is about to start.

”It kicks off shortly when Boris Johnson’s government starts pumping out the result of giving a crazed propagandist hundreds of millions of public money to burn through creating bollocks to plaster the country with via social media, TV, press and billboards. That’s going to infuriate everyone. Another work of genius.”

Change is coming. It better bloody well hurry up.

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CETA LATER : Canadians relieved to get Raab and not the Brexit Britain FCO who comes after Raab

RAAB GOES MAPMAKING : Canadians have expressed their relief today that they got a visit from FCO Dominic Raab and not the FCO who comes after Raab.

The relief is based on the prevailing UK trend of each prime minister being worse than the last, and of course all the accompanying ministers follow the same trend.

”Especially since the unanimous decision by the British people to vote overwhelmingly to commit economic and diplomatic suicide,” a spokesman for the Canadian foreign office told LCD Views.

”When we heard the pulsing vein of British diplomacy was coming to our neck of the woods on a cartographical adventure we were seriously nervous. We’ve almost exhausted our famous levels of politeness dealing with the Cheeto headed white supremacist to the south. Now we have to play host to the man who recently discovered Dover? It was a bit much. What would he discover about Canada?”

But after running the visit and its possibilities through a computer simulation usually reserved with forecasting the futures of the lumber industry (it was felt most appropriate to Raab, two short planks and all that), the Canadians discovered they’d scored a lucky break.

”Yes we were going to have to explain, slowly, patiently, repetitively, that 28 is a bigger number than 1, and post Brexit UK wasn’t getting CETA. At least we weren’t going to have to do over WW2 and Mark ‘D Day’ Francois’!”

That’s a win by anybody’s standards. No-one wants to have to deal with a packet of the very thickest mince with a chip on both shoulders, an inferiority complex as big as Boris Johnson’s ego, and a penchant for handing out white feathers.

One further man was delighted. “I’ve found out where Canadia is!” said Dominic Raab happily. “It’s next to the United St… Hang on, unions are bad, aren’t they? Err… Yes, that’s it! It’s next to Friendly Land, where Mr Donald lives with melons in a white pentagon! And they gave me some nice new crayons!”

On hearing the news, Mark Francois was hospitalised with small man syndrome. Meanwhile Raab is getting on with colouring in My First Atlas. He has got the colours inside the lines. Mostly.

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KFC denies launch of offshoot Kentucky Fried Rat is related to Brexit

DIESEL DID IT : A corporate spokesman, claiming to speak for global chicken chain KFC (we haven’t verified any claims made – it’s conceivable this is all entirely made up) has today denied the launch of an offshoot food franchise, Kentucky Fried Rat, is related to Brexit.

“It’s to take advantage of available, domestic food sources,” Mr Rattus Rattus told LCD Views.

We encountered the spokesman while taking the trash out. He seemed to be trying to enter our offices by a small gap in the frame of the backdoor to our building.

“Someone at head office heard the oft mentioned claim that you’re never more than six feet away from a Brexit supporting politician in Westminster and it was a light bulb moment.”

But envious, treasonous, remoaning critics of the British food industry, and the ingenuity of global success stories, have hit back at the claims the decision to begin selling fried rat are not related to Brexit.

“We’re going to have to eat whatever we can get our hands on if No Deal Brexit is achieved, for want of a better word,” Mr Critic said, “so it’s entirely not credible that the decision to cook rat, and other rodents easily found in big cities and rural barns, is not related to Brexit. Dress it up in as many secret herbs and spices as you like, but this is because the farming sector will be decimated by Boris Johnson and his government of rogues. And it’s uncertain how long it will take to conclude an FTA with the Trump government, due to certain meddling senators not wishing to be party to the end of peace in Northern Ireland, and thus delaying the arrival of hormone pumped US poultry.”

Typical remainer, blathering on about broader concerns.

We here at LCD Views would like to commend the fictional move on behalf of the fried food superhero and look forward to ordering our first bucket of rat.

“It won’t be served in buckets,” the spokesman chipped back in, “it’ll be served in sacks.”

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10 Downing Street PANIC at 11 over fears stockpile of LIES will be exhausted before Brexit

THE LIES HAD IT! THE LIES HAD IT! : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a chaotic and disordered state today after it emerged that the new, white, tightly woven, cotton sofa delivered to the PM’s apartment is not stain proof.

“It’s not only that,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “there’s PANIC too that the stockpile of governmental lies will be exhausted before Brexit!”

How the Johnson administration would manage without recourse to lying through their teeth isn’t clear and a clear reason to be alarmed.

“Unelected puppet master for life, Cummings, has his teams working 24/7 to produce new falsehoods to baffle the public and Brussels,” the insider revealed,

“but currently they’re just managing re-hashes of the crap May dished out. It’s not looking good. Although Labour’s refusal to consider a GNU is giving them some succour they may pull through and get No Deal Brexit delivered at Halloween. But the sands shift so fast, we can’t rely on MPs not doing their jobs forever. We need dissembling at 11 to disassemble the modern state for the profit of right wing moneymen. Not panic at 11!”

Who can keep their heads while all about them are losing their minds will be a deciding factor in the coming weeks. You could even say pivotal to the future of the country.

“We need to dial down the anxiety,” the insider added, “not just in Downing Street but across the country. The lemmings won’t jump off the cliff if just one of them breaks into a panic and turns away.”

Hold your nerve Global Britons! Billions have been bet on you holding your nerve and leaping on the 31st October 2019 with just the smallest, well calculated, data mined push.

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Medieval religious crusades would have been peaceful if combatants had more faith – US gun advocates confirm

YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE FAITH : Striking historical conclusions from across the pond today with the discovery that the medieval religious crusades would have been peaceful if the opposing combatants involved had more faith.

The unique line of thinking follows an exhaustive search for an answer to how best to stop the horrific and never ending roller coaster of death in the USA resulting from allowing insecure man children to arm themselves to the teeth just to go to Starbucks.

This is a separate debate to hunting, given that the countries that have successfully stopped the frequent occurrence of mass public shootings still allow hunters to hunt with hunting rifles.

”Look, my hobby is semi-automatic guns. Guns. Lots of guns. This is mangled into an insecurity inside I don’t want to face and masked further with a creation myth. I don’t care how many people I don’t know are gunned down in cold blood because my selfish pleasure is more important.” One honest social media commentator said.

The less honest ones, the religious types, put the finger on a lack of faith. This is based on the widely accepted belief that God owns thousands of semi-automatic rifles for his own self defence.

”Look at all the religious conflicts down through time? If only those involved had believed more in their chosen sky daddy they wouldn’t have fought to begin with,” our gun nut cracker cracked, “it is actually feasible. Especially if you consider the inspiration for the crusades to the Holy Land. What would Jesus have done? Probably not sent tens of thousands of religious fanatics armed with swords to chop people into pieces for the sake of some real estate.”

The unending cycle of death in the USA does point to the success of gun lobbyists though. Manipulating a willing public to act against their best interests and believe it’s the right thing to do.

We’re currently experiencing a similar psychology con act for profit on this side of the pond. It’s become our current system of government.

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EU : No basis for further Brexit talks while UK run by prime ministerial parody account

WHAT’S REAL : The EU has responded today to the waves of nonsense and make believe emanating from Downing Street with a clear statement of their own.

”There is no basis for further Brexit talks while the United Kingdom is being run by a prime ministerial parody account,” a Brussel’s spokesman shrugged, “we would like to talk. Of course we would. We’re very good at talking. After you triggered Article 50 with no plan at all we talked for three years to help you find a plan. We’ve done a lot of talking with you.”

An additional criteria for any further talks, alongside having an actual prime minister and not just a joke that got out of hand, is to do with the way the offshore, tax exile press barons of the UK operate.

”Wave after wave of nausea inducing, xenophobia laden, historically ignorant bombast published as a flanking attack to the mortared bollocks coming from Downing Street? Is this the way to manage a civil divorce? Sort yourselves out.”

What Downing Street will make of the response from Brussels isn’t certain, but it can be presumed they’ll try and ramp up the rhetoric.

”Brexit really is very simple in the end,” our Brexit specialist reassures, “hard right revolutionary forces want to create a massive disaster as an excuse to return the country to feudalism economically and socially. Hard left forces want the hard right to do this thinking if the hard right breaks the eggs then the hard left will make the omelette. Both are idiots.”

The UK, if we want other people to take us seriously and talk to us, we best save the parody for entertainment and criticism of government, and not the actual method of government.