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Duck and Cover – Johnson promises Britons Anderson shelters to protect against EU food bombs!

BRITONS YOU’RE IN SAFE HANDS : “Under the ground no one can touch you,” Boris ‘Bonkers’ Johnson began his latest Facepamphlet Live broadcast to the nation today, “not Junker, not Merkel, not Macron and certainly not a food bomb.”

The prime minister, the father of all the nation’s children, young and old, spoke in a reassuringly calm manner. Firelight lit the side of his face and sparkled off his bright eyes as he brought comfort to an increasingly anxious nation.

Especially nice was the vintage 1940’s wireless set just behind his right shoulder, evoking memories of a time when Britain also faced the dark clouds alone. And although the clouds may now be gathering because of an entirely self-contrived rain dance at home, the message was the same.

We can do it!

“And let me also reassure those of you who may have come and settled in our green and pleasant and newly bunkered land, those from EU27 states, you will only be charged a nominal fee to share a space with a patriotic Briton, should the air raid sirens sound after I successfully deliver a No Deal Brexit this All Hallows’ Eve!”

One fist pump. Just one. A slow and measured raising of the hand into a securely flat palmed salute to the country.

“You will of course have to apply in advance under a new “Unsettled Embarrassed” scheme that my good colleague Priti Patel is currently organising to identify the location of every foreign traitor, I mean, husband, wife, grandparent, child and friend. Global Briton is a truly hospitalising place.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that encouraging patriots to hide underground when the food bombs drop will make it harder for the aid parcels to be found. You won’t know which copse or gully to look in if you didn’t see them land.

Mr Johnson is out front of that.

“We will also have a technological solution to find the widely dispersed food aid, should the EU pilots and edible materials bombardiers prove to have poor aim,” Mr Johnson added, “specially trained parrots, even now being prepared by Michael Gove, will land upon the food drops and sing so you know where they’re to be found.”

We’re in our bunker Junker! We’re going underground! Brexit, let’s make a success of it!

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Worthing beach closed after man seen disposing of hazardous material

Life’s a beach! Summer holidays have been cut short because a suspicious individual left even more suspicious stuff on the shore.

Families in Worthing are at their wits’ ends. “There’s no way I can keep the kids out of the arcades now,” complained mum Enda Matether. “It’s hard enough to persuade them to have another donkey ride without rumours of dodgy characters on the front!”

The dodgy character is described as being male, blond, and distinctly upper class. He is believed to have left a lethal substance half buried in the sand.

Local police have been investigating. “Evening all,” remarked PC Gonmadd, waving his truncheon suggestively. “The beach is out of bounds until further notice. There’s some nasty stuff down there, and I don’t mean the donkey poo!”

The noxious fumes emanating from the beach have already had an impact on the town. The smell has driven away all the eastern European plumbers and barmaids. There is an unpleasant odour of smog and rationing. Parts of Worthing have turned black-and-white. It’s like a return to the 1950s, though how you can tell in Worthing is hard to say.

Things have become so bad that the holidaymakers of Worthing are considering bringing in an expert.

“I mean, the police are stretched to breaking point already,” moaned Matether. “Several keyboard warriors, three have a go heroes and a retired colonel have all tried to tackle it. All are convinced that they have what it takes.”

“It was no good,” said Gonmadd. “The warriors returned, white-faced, whispering ‘project fear’. The heroes proposed a technological solution, and the colonel declared it was all for the best. But none of them could shift it!”

Meanwhile, the blond saboteur left a trail of innuendo and seaside postcards. “He was in and out of my back door in a flash,” reminisced landlady Holly Day-Romance. “I said, do you come here often? He said, no, but I’d love to come again!”

Anyone wishing to stop this nonsense should apply, in their best copperplate handwriting, to the Queen, Buckingham Palace, London.

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Zombie pack leader Dick Braine says you are what you eat

WHO CALLS THEIR SON RICHARD WHEN THEIR SURNAME IS BRAINE : The latest temporary leader of the English zombie plague UKIP, Richard Braine, has made his mark immediately by offering Britons dietary advice.

“You are what you eat and you only eat your surname,” said Dick Braine, in an apparently irony free bit of gammonsplaining, “I eat what’s in my name. Eating brains is the cornerstone of five a day. The rest is hippy snowflake nonsense designed to boost the Belgium vegetable industry to the detriment of the NATURAL BORNE BRITISH VEGETABLE GROWER!!,!!”

The advice was welcomed by the shrinking band of followers of the superseded outfit. Most of the former members of Dick’s zombie plague have been hit in the head with a shovel stamped “BXP” and started following the nicotine stained, serial death dodger who holds the shovel.

“If we can all eat enough braines and brains we can change the British political landscape forever,” he added, “mostly by only having a political landscape in England. And a Little England at that. I’ll personally see that as a victory as I continue my slide down the plughole of nostalgia into the comfort zone of obscurity and a misunderstood national history.”

The advice was presumably welcomed by the shrinking band of zombies still following Mr Braine’s UKIP undead pack. As to what the rest of us thought of it? We just decided to make fun of his name, to take it as a gift from a universe that hasn’t lost its sense of humour, and play with it.

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New Monopoly sets to feature real pound sterling bank notes to save on printing costs

UWOTBRO : Makers of the famous board game, Monopoly, have announced it is to now come with actual UK pound sterling bank notes.

”It’s now cheaper than printing toy money to just stock the games with the real thing,” game re-designer Mr Brexit told LCD Views.

”The Royal Mint has already gone to the trouble of designing and printing the stuff, so why cut our profits by duplicating the effort when we can just pop down to the cash machine near the factory with a wheelbarrow and get out wads of sterling?”

The only snag appears to be how fiendishly bendy the current UK plastic currency is.

”To combat that we decided to do away with the five and ten pound notes. In reality they’re worthless in real life so to continue to include them in the sets of the board game isn’t keeping up to date. So just twenties, fifties and the hundred, two hundred and five hundred pound notes being printed so people have portable small change from November 1st.”

And the inclusion of the virtually worthless real money isn’t the only change to the famous game.

”We’ve included a new figure for people to play with. It’s a Tory politician. It has a special feature that is different to the classic avatars in the game. It can not land on the “Go To Jail” square at all. Oh, and it gets several million pounds at the start of the game. But there’s a new card in the Community Chest section. If the player using the politician draws this card they’re ordered to tell all the other players they got where they are by virtue of their own hard work.”

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Man ordered to collect country he threw off cliff

TRIED IN ABSENTIA : A British man has been ordered to collect an entire country he threw off a white cliff.

The man, described as being “with his trotters up” did not attend the hearing, although as he was tried across social media, he can’t help but have heard it.

”He’s holed up in a garden shed that cost the average annual income. He’s very proud of the shed. Although given the damage he caused to the country when he threw it over the cliff, he should be troubled by regret,” our legal correspondent believes, “at least that’s what I personally believe [see].”

The crime itself has been described in the court of public opinion as a “democratic outrage” and a result “of the lazy idiot’s blithe inattention to the details of the offence [in its planning].”

And making matters worse is the difficulty authorities are having rectifying the matter and repairing the damage.

”Too many have a vested interest in the country being smashed apart at the foot of the cliff. It’s making it hard to tidy up after the fact.”

But in passing sentence the judge presiding over the matter noted how the impact of the crime, which occurred in 2016, was actually a broader conspiracy.

A quick look at parliamentary records shows a select group of MPs encouraging the actual event for many years. And those same MPs are now running the country and the official opposition party.

That aside, the man has been ordered to retrieve the country from the base of the cliff and repair it.

”He won’t though,” the jury in the court of public opinion suspects, “because he’s too irresponsible to attempt to make amends. In fact, after the judgement he went on record to say he has no regrets.”

A very nice state of mind, after the fact, but only if you can afford it.

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Didn’t work : National Grid explains power cut was UK being turned off and on again

READY FOR NO DEAL : The National Grid has shone light into the darkness of last night by explaining the reason behind the power cut which plunged swathes of England, and its regions, into the black.

”It was a trial run for No Deal Brexit,” the spokesman said, “and an attempt to see if we could stop diesel and remainers talking the country down by stopping them talking to one another.”

The spokesman went on to say the trial was judged to be a complete success.

”Nobody ate anyone. That’s pretty much the high watermark for wild success in terms of Brexit. Expect a festival to celebrate. And no one will eat anyone else in that too. Well, it’s unlikely to occur.”

But a leaked internal email, obtained by this fictional news media organisation from inside an imagined version of energy regulator Ofgem, says it was an entirely different reason altogether.

”They turned the country off an on again. England specifically, but the outage affected other regions too. It was an attempt to solve Brexit,” our energy analyst, Mrs High Beam, reveals, “I don’t suppose it worked. The country is still rebooting so we won’t know until later if it worked or not. I don’t think it worked. Did you think it worked? Is anything different? Are the criminal investigations into the electoral crimes of 2016 actually happening? Is Boris Johnson still Prime Minister? If he is it didn’t work.”

But you should not to be discouraged as the leaked email reveals the test will be tried again in a “live fire sandbox” at the end of October.

On the 31st the entire country will be switched off and on again.

”Let’s just pray the bigger test doesn’t coincide with a KFC shortage or we’re f*cked.” 

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SOCIAL MEDIA BAN for REMAINERS before they talk UK into RECESSION

Brexiters, breathe easy. The impending recession has been averted by banning all remainers from social media.

“I can get on with believing in Britain without factual distractions,” said a relieved Boo Morbust, of Wuncher Bankers. “Now the doom and gloom merchants have been removed from Facepalm and Twittalk, I can get on with shorting the pound free from bleeding heart negativity!”

The decision has given the economy a massive boost. Remainers, no longer able to engage in online debate, have had to suck it up instead of talking the country down.

“It’s excellent news,” continued Morbust. “Now I can go back to spending the working day charging exorbitant interest rates and watching cat videos!”

All is not as it seems though. Buried in the pink ranks of the Financial Times is the news that the pound is now worth the same as the Euro. There is a super injunction out on the British press which means none of them may print any potentially anti-Brexit news on the front page. Instead, the FT is pointedly leaving the front page blank.

“Devaluation of the pound is good!” insists Morbust. “Devaluation means worth less, so everything is cheaper! It’s economics innit. I got a grade F at GCSE, so I know what I’m talking about!”

With no dissent, then, recession should be avoided. After all, if a recession occurs, but nobody is allowed to say so, has it really happened?

“Everything will be easy peasy!” confirms Morbust. “If nobody contradicts a statement, it must be true. Therefore, if we say business is booming, then it is, because nobody can say otherwise. We say, you’ve never had it better, and hey presto! it’s true, even if it isn’t! Win!”

Remember that, next time you queue with your brand spanking new blue ration book. Remember to say your ‘Hail Boris’es with feeling or you won’t get your two ounces of rancid butter.

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Downing Street cancel staff leave out of fear no one will come back

WORK LIFE OUT OF BALANCE : 10 Downing Street has had to cancel all staff leave out of a real fear no one will come back from their holidays.

The move, described as perfectly rational given the irrationality of the decisions being taken by the executive, it is hoped will prevent key insiders seeking political asylum in EU27 states.

Oh, and stop that young filly the PM has his eye on from taking work elsewhere.

”That’s because everyone is an enemy now,” an aide to the unelected bureaucrat PM, Dominic Cummings Esq, told LCD Views, “all those states that are forcing us into a no deal Brexit will be certain to try and lure away anyone weak enough to want food consistently this winter.”

Come to us we have food, that could turn anyone into a traitor.

It’a thought even holidays within the UK have been banned in case 10 Downing Street staff give in to the temptation to swim out to ships sailing past Ramsgate or Southend.

”We’re pretty sure French fishermen will be attempting to take unwitting and innocent English nationalists off the coasts of England,” the insider warned, “after which Macron will place them in a dungeon and torture them with the smell of freshly baked croissants. We could lose dozens of state secrets just like that.”

And don’t think a staycation will get you out of the door and home in front of the television either.

”We’ve already bugged all the staff’s homes. If they go home and talk about work they’ll just get in trouble. Best to stay in the office and push through till November. Everyone will be able to have time off then because of the sunlight on the uplands of Brexit.”

As to press speculation that the cancellation of leave is because a general election is planned, the insider had this to say,

”When Boris Johnson said there wouldn’t be a general election before Brexit he was talking bollocks. Obviously. Only a fool would have believed it, which is par for course for whatever he says.”

And what do the staff themselves think about the cancellation of their Leave?

”I thought Leave was supposed to mean Leave!” one shouted out in exasperation.

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No Deal Plans – 10 Downing Street replaced by a rock big enough for Boris Johnson to hide under

OVER THE TOP MEN SOME OF YOU WILL SURVIVE : A leak from the Johnsonian-Cummings fortress of 10 Downing Street has revealed advanced plans to replace the famous inner London townhouse with something more suitable before Halloween 2019.

”That’s if we don’t bottle it on No Deal Brexit first,” an insider to the joint, unelected rulers of the UK revealed today, “which is highly likely. Bullies tend to retreat when it’s clear they’re gonna suffer.”

But if events spiral out of their country, a distinct possibility, and the UK crash into the rocks of No Deal, thus tearing up the majority of its connections with the 21st century at a stroke, the people responsible will not only need fall guys to blame.

”They’ll also need somewhere to hide and sharpish,” the insider said. “hence the decision by Cummings to replace 10 Downing Street with a big ROCK. No one will think to look underneath it. It’s fool proof.”

It’s believed various types of rock where tested for suitability.

”We tried rock music first. We approached KISS to stand out front and distract everyone with their famous tongues. But then that old dog Bojo tried to shag Gene’s leg in a display of dominance. So they just left.”

No wonder. What next?

”We tried Dwayne Johnson, but he just laughed us out of his office. He’s going to be busy filming the 957th Fast and Furious by October anyway.”

So you had to turn to naturally occurring objects of great size?

”That’s why we asked to hide out on Gibraltar. But they had a vote on it and decided by about 98% to tell us to get stuffed and take the medicine.”

So how did you get the boulder?

”It was easy in the end,” the insider reveals, “we just dismantled Stonehenge and took one of those boulders. Fittingly symbolic for what No Deal would do to the entire country.”

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GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS – BAFFLED land mass run by people who have no fucking idea what they’re doing discovered

BREXIPUTIA – Mapmakers report today that an entirely new land mass has been discovered off the coast of continental Europe that is just jammed full of people who who have no fucking idea what they’re doing.

“This is because they’re led by complete incompetents,” head explorer at Parochial Geographic, Professor Dominic Raabit told LCD Views.

But a cursory glance at the satellite imagery that led to the fascinating discovery reveals the land mass is very close to continental Europe. It’s a little puzzling why no one has stumbled across it before.

“Oh, they’ve been numerous reports over the years of a sensible, well governed, mature representative democracy existing as a collection of islands off the coast of France and the Netherlands for years. People have even claimed to have been there. People have turned up in France and Spain claiming to have come from there. But over the last three years the reports of a such a place have dried up. We decided to do a satellite survey to clear it up once and for all.”

The professor added that this has actually been tried several times since mid-2016, but there’s usually a murky fog over the area at the time and satellite imaging has proved difficult.

“We got lucky. A window opened for a few moments and we got the photographs. We decided next to see if we could detect any radio broadcasts. And we did.”

And what did you discover from listening to the broadcasts?

“Well, just a casserole of nonsense. The majority of the current leaders appear to be political pygmies, although some with larger frames are hanging about, ineffectively urging everyone to not do some extremely stupid thing that the leaders are set upon.”

What’s the stupid thing?

“They want to rename the country Brexiputia and set fire to it on the 31st of October this year.”

That sounds a bit silly.

“It’s more than that. It’s clear none of the leaders have a fucking idea what they’re doing. That much is obvious. But they’re all too proud to admit that things may have gotten out of hand.”