LCD Views

A SENSE OF NATIONAL PRIDE : Boris Johnson’s team are tight lipped ahead of his planned meeting with democratically elected French President Macron, but nonetheless LCD Views has obtained an imagined leak from his office.

“He’s going to make a lot of jokes about the shape of baguettes and how firm they should be,” the leak reveals, “he’ll also ask Macron to translate for him ‘fit, young filly’ into French. This will be a subtle insult to show who is dominant.”

But the insults calculated to prove Boris is the alpha male wont stop there. Afterwards Boris will ask Macron what he made of the “cheese eating surrender monkeys” joke, before moving onto deeper Anglo-French history.

“Napoleon is clearly a sore point for the French. As the English beat him twice. There may have been a few other nations involved, a rudimentary EU army of sorts, but if we were there it really was all our work, with some hangers on.”

To thrust the point in Mr Johnson is expected to mention the Battle of Waterloo.

“But only once. That’s all we calculate we can get away with.”

How the French contingent will respond isn’t clear. But it is obvious the display of powerful British rhetoric will have them on the back feet, where they belong when faced with an Englishman.

Our French team have given the matter some consideration and have this calculated guess at President Macron’s response to Mr Johnson’s hugging and puffing.

“He’ll simply say no to whatever the chancer suggests,” our team reckons, “just he’ll do it in English and French consecutively. This will be just like what happened yesterday with Merkel. Which is good practice. After Brexit English prime ministers will need to be well adjusted to hearing foreign leaders constantly saying no to their requests and then telling them what to do.”

If this doesn’t deal with Mr Johnson the French are expected to fire a cow at him from from a catapult, or trebuchet.

CHALK OR CHEESE : The great British chalk mining industry is set for boom times from the 1st of November as hungry Brits show the resourcefulness and grit that saw them personally survive the war.

“The White Cliffs of Dover are an abundant source of alternatives to cheese,” Mr Were Wolff, junior minister at DExEU, told LCD Views, “and I think people will find that with just a little bit of the imagination Britons are famous for, bark will do for bread.”

As part of the drive to normalise the insanity No Deal Brexit will bring, the government will soon release educational videos and posters. The videos will future a backing track of wealthy, on point, elderly Radio 4 Today programme presenters chuckling in the background.

“If people actually put in some effort and stop blaming the government they will find that alternative arrangements for food can be found all over the streets and in the looted corner shops of Brexit Britain.”

But the dental industry has expressed surprise at the direction to eat chalk, instead of cheese.

“These so called dentists worried about the impact of scurvy weakened enamel by accidental consumption of the hard flint found in the chalk are over egging an eggless meal,” Mr Were Wolff easily retorted, “they would be better served trying to come up with alternative arrangements for teeth to begin with. Clearly most will be ground down in anxiety anyway. Anxiety over not being first in line to take advantage of the opportunities provided by Brexit to trade with the world.”

But even the MoD has expressed concern.

“We’ll need that flint to make weapons and entrenching tools,” Ministry of Defence spokesman, Mrs Random Tory MP Who Will Say Somethimg, said, “I’ll be having talks with my colleagues to ensure both bellies and armouries can be filled.”

Chalk isn’t cheese, until you learn to believe.

Take Back Control! Finland will now vote on EU matters on behalf of Britain, after diplomats were ordered to skive off EU meetings. This is an epic piece of trolling by the EU, whose grasp of English is so much better than ours.

The Finns will be delighted. They will vote for the EU to have all the UK’s fish, so the Finns will have the fish, instead of the fish having fins. They will also block Boris Johnson’s personal escape plan, which is to grow a beard and masquerade as Santa Claus.

This rash decision by a rasher Prime Minister will bring home the bacon… if you are Finnish. It means that even if the UK suffers a sudden epidemic of common sense, our very British issues will become Very Finnish Problems.

LCD Views’ Beyond The Arctic Circle correspondent asked Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab for his thoughts. “Errm, hmm, ermm,” stated Raab confidently, the bead of sweat above the pulsing vein in his temple betraying his supreme control of the situation. “Yeah, whatever, umm, well, we have, yes, we have, err, promised to leave the EU, come or die, do what will, on October the thingy, so there, that’s the main thing, isn’t it?”

So that’s reassuring anyway.

The Finns have been granted Power of Attorney in the absence of the UK from the debating chambers. It is almost as if the EU has decided that the UK is no longer sufficiently in control of its faculties.

After all, who would want to be involved in one of the biggest trading blocs on the planet, right on their doorstep? A society for the mutual benefit of its members, and peace between nations? No thanks, we would rather throw in our lot with an unstable, unpredictable and frankly dangerous loon with a dodgy past and far too much fake tan. It’s much more fun that way.

The clock is ticking. It’s a race to start what we have Finnished.

MAKE BRITAIN GRATE AGAIN : Boris Johnson is to take the fight to the heart of the EU today when he visits Angela Merkel in Germany to demand things he knows she can’t concede.

“He’s going to garble some German and grin like he’s had a lobotomy, but retained the ability to speak incoherently all the same in Eton.” an aide, travelling with the last PM of Britannia, told LCD Views.

“He’s also going to mention the war. But only once, as that’s as much as we think he can get away with.”

But after the initial pleasantries events are expected to take a dramatic turn as Boris the showman comes forth to startle his buttoned up hosts.

“They’ll be doing a walk about of a BMW showroom for the press,” the aide reveals, “and that’s when Boris will let loose with a tree branch to show he’s serious about devastating Britain with a No Deal Brexit.”

While the performance will certainly do much to underscore the evaluation of British sanity held by the leaders of the EU27, it has already caused a ripple of scandal at home.

“He’s sourced the big stick from the Black Forest,” the aide reveals, “that’s because he wants it to be a surprise. He can’t just travel on the Eurostar with a tree branch and expect to shock the Germans. That would be insane!”

It’s thought the beating of the BMW with the tree branch will serve as a warning to the German automakers too.

“They’re taking their own sweet time before saving us from Brexit,” the aide frowned, “but after they see Boris walking loudly and carrying a big stick, they’ll know exactly what they have to do about the future of their investments in Blighty.”