LCD Views

TIN AND POT : Boris Johnson announced to the country today that as part of ongoing government preparations for crashing out with No Deal Brexit he will begin wearing military uniforms whenever talking to voters, or addressing parliament.

”He hasn’t decided on what rank to give himself,” Mr Cavalier, policy aide to 10 Downing Street told us, “but clearly it’s got to be senior. Once he settles on what kind of general he is then we’ll have a parade.”

Will everyone be invited?

”They already are, whether they like it or not. But he has the overwhelming support of a majority of the British people for this change in style, both dress and management. He’s really just following the instructions of the people.”

I guess he’ll be needing medals too?

”Yes. He’’s now many famous victories defending the motherland. He’s won the war on immigrants, with his senior aide Priti Patel. He triumphed over the poor, with the help of a bus driver’s son. He’s just destroyed a sense of financial security for millions, that was do or die. Imagine the chaos now if Ed Milliband hadn’t fallen into the bacon sandwich trap? And May’s predecessor Corporal Cameron had lost? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, and parliament will now be in permanent recess, as a mark of respect for General Johnson’s wisdom.”

The people had a vote, once, they don’t need another. Long live the general.

TAKE BACK CONTROL : Doris Willies’ indentured servant MPs, and paid propagandists, have struck back firmly today after MPs not subject to Tory Party blackmail actually sat down and talked with each other.

“You can’t sit and talk and find common ground, and worse, work together,” Tory Tory MP blasted his parliamentary colleagues, “it’s undemocratic! Democracy is doing what you’ve been blackmailed into doing by someone who has a folder of compromising photos of you. Or just as bad, your internet search history. Or perhaps a list of your fishier donors. Or maybe something as simple as a way for a daft, overly inbred child to have a respectable career if you vote right. It’s certainly not sitting down and talking with each other across party lines!”

And the Willie government is right to be outraged. If MPs get used to talking with one another and deciding their common ground is country before party, it could lead to a general deterioration of modern British politics.

“Just imagine if enough MPs decide the future of the United Kingston is more important than five minutes mismanaging an important ministry, well, what will happen to Brexit? Billions have been spent to procure Brexit. Crimes have been committed and allegedly swept under the carpet. An entire nation has been divided, families sundered, millions of people psychologically terrorised. It can’t all be for nothing. Brexit backers expect a pay off. No more talking! It’s undemocratic!”

LCD Views find ourselves in the surprising situation of being in disagreement with the government.

We applaud MPs, and their party leaders, sitting down to find common cause. Making it openly known that’s what they’re doing. Deciding on a way forward that they publicise. It seems exceptionally democratic.

“There’s not much point in us attempting to silence parliament, if you’re just going to talk and work together anyway,” Tory Tory MP spluttered, “Take back control means take over parliament and silence it. That’s Brexit democracy. It’s been bought and paid for. It needs to be delivered or bloody hell, what will my wife say when the tabloids get hold of it?!”

DONALD TUSK TO USE BORIS JOHNSON AS A FOOTSTOOL : The anti-democratic toadstool currently pretending to a popular UK caretaker PM, Boris de Phaffle Johnson, is to meet with the UK’s preferred prime minister, Donald Tusk, today.

“The meeting is designed to waste time,” a caretaker PM aide told LCD Views, “you know, appear to be doing something, while in reality the caretaker is just trying to look busy while he runs down the clock until Halloween.”

It’s not clear what talking points Mr Johnson will take into the meeting, largely because they’ll just be superfluous.

“Mr Tusk already has Mr Johnson’s measure,” the aide shrugged, “it’s thought he’ll spend the majority of the meeting smiling in that knowingly amused way he has. Mr Johnson will try out some new stand up material in the hope of disarming Mr Tusk. Then he’ll move into ‘old chum’ mode and ask for Donald’s help to end parliamentary democracy in the UK for the enrichment of an international clique of sociopaths using Mr Johnson for their own ends.”

It’s thought though that both parties will avoid the subject of relative popularity in the UK. Latest opinion polling by NoGov has demonstrated an overwhelming desire in a large percentage of the electorate for Mr Tusk to takeover and govern. To head up the much touted government of national unity.

“We just hope Mr Tusk isn’t going to try and get one up on President Macron,” the aide worried, “he successfully tricked the big blonde boofhead to put his shoe on the Elysee furniture while flashing his bollocks. With dozens of digital cameras catching every heartbeat. Talk about outplayed.”

Mr Johnson’s team are right to be worried of course. Mr Tusk is more than capable of tricking Mr Johnson to get down on all fours by suggesting there’s a hot bit of posh blonde tail waiting under his chair.

“Then he’ll use Mr Johnson has a footstool,” the aide predicted, “which will be a too realistic example of what Johnson’s time as caretaker government will turn the UK into for the world’s big players if Mr Johnson isn’t replaced by an actual, proper prime minister soon.”