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PM seeking right balance between “laughing at voters” and “staying in power”

OPERATION SAVE FLOATING LOG : The UK’s country beating Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is said to be “fully focused” and “zeroed in“ on what is (in his estimation) the most serious crisis facing the country.

While lesser mortals fret and hand wring over making a tank of petrol more attainable for the aspirational, the PM knows what voters are really focused on is the next twist in the soap opera that is their government.

“Will Big Dog survive to star in the next season?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views. We didn’t answer as they wouldn’t like the truth.

Keeping the public entertained is of course vital for the bread and circuses model of governance the UK now excels at. There’s no one more exhaustive to watch than old Boris.

“How many children will he father in the next season? Will Carrie be replaced by a younger model? You know the trouble and strife gets terribly boring once she’s had a litter. Time to move her out! Which donor will shell out for the next lot of gold wallpaper? The writers behind Boris know what’s vital to keep the fans happy.”

But to keep the fans happy the star of the show needs to continue to outperform the challengers.

“If Johnson can feign just enough false contrition over his serial lawbreaking and play act convincingly over the cost of living crisis Brexit is exacerbating he might just cling on. It’s vital that he does. Who else could distract daily from the dismantling of UK plc for the tax havens?”

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Now we have left the EU, we can raise parliamentary standards, says Boris Johnson

RIP IT UP AND START AGAIN: Freedom from the rules and order of the EU has given the UK a fantastic opportunity, declares Boris Johnson. We can raise standards even higher by ripping up the ministerial code. 

This Brexit Opportunity is so glaringly obvious, that even the Brexit Opportunities Minister, Jacob Rees-Mogg, didn’t spot it. 

It’s not even the first time this method has been used. The only reason that we can’t hear the sound of all our laws being torn to pieces is that the noise from the non-stop Downing Street party drowns it out. 

In fact, the only thing in Westminster being shredded faster than evidence of Boris Johnson’s misdemeanours is what’s left of the UK’s reputation. 

“We are levelling up standards!” blurted the PM, brandishing an empty wine glass. “Captain Boring Old Rules, you know, what’s his name, that lawyer chappie, yes, no, yes, Sir Fire Starter, twisted fire starter, he would have us shackled to common decency for ever!” 

He burped loudly. “Jeeves! I need a top-up!” He waggled the wine glass impatiently while a flunky tried to refill it. “I’m at work, you know. Hurry up!” 

He drained the glass and Jeeves automatically refilled it. “That’s better. Now go!” he bawled. “Veni, vidi, vino, that’s my blotto motto. Wiff waff. Every day’s a Friday!” 

He waved a crumpled bit of wine-stained paper in the air, like a drunken parody of Neville Chamberlain. “I have here in my hand an assurance from the Standards Committee that they won’t complain that they weren’t invited to the party – I mean the work event, obviously. The new code *belch* will stop the interfering nosy busybodies from investigating me at every turn, so, erm, so what? So sorry, I’ve lost my thread, like Ariadne, now she was a fine filly, phwoarrr, let’s get on the job! I mean, let’s get on WITH the job!”

He stumbled offstage, and the party continued backstage. 

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Flags reclassified as food by 10 Downing Street

THE TASTE OF SOVEREIGNTY : THE PRIME MINISTER is said to be replete with ideas about hunger today and ready to “strike a blow” at the burgeoning food bank sector.

Concern over the growth of the industry, which just gives food to lazy people, has been growing within Downing Street for “some time”, with especial concern on how to convince people to travel hundreds of miles from home to pick GREAT BRITISH crops, if they’re getting subsistence meals “at the end of their street”.

The coming Jubilee celebrations have provided fresh impetus though and a way to “square the circle” of being one of the wealthiest nations on earth but with a baffling problem of in-work poverty and not enough people to even harvest the food we grow ourselves. Reclassifying flags as food brings it all together and removes any barriers to greatness that stand in the way of our fully independent, sovereign nation.

“Sovereignty is food for the soul and that’s all that really matters in terms of sustenance,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Simply by reclassifying Union Flags as food we can kill two birds with one stone.”

A range of recipes will be released over the coming week and Britons will be encouraged to forage in their streets and cul-de-sacs for flags to eat.

“No child need go hungry when bunting is just hanging on every fence and gate post of this proud nation,” the source explained. “Take your children with you and get all you need for a square meal. Why not settle down and read about Rishi Sunak featuring in the Sunday Times Rich List while you dine?”

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Royal Mint issues edible coins to prove to poor people you can eat a meal for 30p

AS MUCH GOLD AS YOU CAN EAT : Poor people across the United Kingdom are said to be in a celebratory mood today after the government ordered the Royal Mint to issue edible coinage.

Edible coins are of course no novelty as they occur naturally in a seasonal way each December, but to see their sudden appearance in spring is expected to cause raucous celebrations amongst the workshy and cut a swathe through the burgeoning lines at food banks.

“It looks like Tory spokesman Lee Anderson was bang on for the money,” a layabout welfare scrounger told LCD Views, “excuse me, I’ve got to get to my third zero hours contract job.”

And in a savage retort to the criticisms that it’s not only the cost of purchasing the ingredients, it’s the cooking fuel and equipment that cost too, the coins come pre-cooked with a shelf life significantly longer than any fresh fruit or veg (since Brexit got done).

It is hoped the edible coins will end the tiresome debate over the rising cost of living which is said to have already “bored the PM into a torpor”.

The coins themselves will cost only the face value they are minted with.

“This means that there are real savings to be had now with the weekly grocery bill,” a 10 Downing Street economic whiz told us. “By this time next week the 20p coin will be worth 10p which will make them even cheaper on the second hand market.”

But there is one fly in the ointment, as the first editions have been inadvertently minted in Euro’s and not pence.

“That’s a teething problem,” the spokesman clarified. “Due to mysterious supply chain issues the raw ingredients to make them are currently in short supply in the UK so we’ve contracted the minting to a Dutch-French-German-Slovenian firm.”

Later editions are expected to come in Sterling but until then you can be reassured that “while stuck in a rest of the world queue at a Spanish airport you can at least eat the coins in your pocket.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street calls in the army to teach poor people to cook

WASTE NOT WANT NOT : 10 Downing Street is said to have emerged from its bunker this morning to charge headfirst at the cost of living crisis and win back the hearts of the people.

“Clearly the PM is not leading the charge as it’s too early in the day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but some SPADS and a few random backbenchers are gung ho and have gone over the top. They’ll be into the enemy trenches by lunchtime and you won’t hear the deafening sound of empty plates in the homes of the poor by the evening, anymore!”

The news will encourage millions who are realising that it won’t be a choice between heating or eating soon, as they won’t be able to afford either.

“The main strategic thrust is to call in the army,” the source explains. “This has worked for every weird crisis afflicting the country since Brexit got done. But none of these crises are in anyway related to getting Brexit done. Let’s just be clear about that.”

Under the scheme specially recruited private sector goons will coordinate with the Home Office and the MOD to locate and isolate anyone poor who is spending more than 30p on a single serving of a meal.

“We can’t have poor people just wasting their hard earned money on food,” the source enthuses. “That’s for Tory MPs to do in the subsidised bars and restaurants of Westminster.”

“Just picture it now, some single mother of three who should be celebrating the demonisation of asylum seekers who have come to steal whatever she has left in her larder, who is instead bemoaning the fact she can’t feed her family on dust? Well! Just imagine the look on her face with a crack squad of army cooks appear at her front door and put a bag over her head. The look of surprise on her face when she finds herself standing in a mess tent on the nearest Common will be priceless, just like everyday supplies in the supermarket.”

The operation to re-educate wasteful, layabout poor people has been named Operation Anderson after the Tory MP who inspired the initiative.

Tory candidate forgets he’s on microphone and asks friend to pose as supporter

Hungry Britons can rest assured that with only the brightest and the best chosen to stand as Tory MPs their incomprehensible ignorance of budget living will soon be a thing of the past.

“Furthermore, this initiative shows the level of aspiration Boris Johnson’s government has for all of you now. Mud. If you can’t make a roast meal out of cheap, readily available soil then you’re letting Britain down and you’ll have the British Army to deal with!”

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BREAKING : Sue Gray “abducted by aliens”

ONE DAY AT A TIME : They say a key test of anyone’s psychological maturity is the ability to wait patiently for delayed gratification, and the UK’s most famous contemporary scribe, Sue Gray, seems determined to test the UK’s psychological maturity.

Although rumours suggest it is not a reluctance to enter the bestseller charts at No. 1 on the day of release of her magnum opus, but the sheer volume of source material that needs must be researched before she starts her first paragraph.

“That’s nonsense,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman scorched the rumours, “we’ve got her locked in a basement.”

The revelation that Sue Gray is being kept in a Downing Street basement has been met with skepticism however because it is widely reported in Westminster that the basement “is still kitted out like a torture garden for mass orgies, just like it was on the first day of the pandemic”. Which only points to the ability to forecast future needs by the Prime Minister.

Still, the need for the triple album special by the Sue Gray collective, working title “Partygates”, is only growing.

“It is true that the report will boost the UK’s gross domestic output by several percentage points,” the Downing Street spokesman said, returning to the podium, “but that’s no reason to release it. Poor people have plenty of mud to eat.”

While the waiting and speculation is certain to continue the most viable reason remaining for the delay in release of a statement of the blindingly obvious is that Sue Gray has been abducted by aliens. The only thing remaining now is for the right obscure Tory MP to be selected and shoved into the public glare to declare it.

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Downing Street “shocked” to discover Kent has gone missing – inquiry launched

REAL MEN DON’T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS : WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is reported to be in a state of “shock” today after the discovery that famous Brexity Kent has gone missing.

Reports that Sue Gray was last seen in the English province and the entire place has been “disappeared” by aliens as a result have been dismissed as “heresay”.

Kent has been most determinedly visible ever since Nigel Farage first discovered and then colonised large swathes of it in the early 1930’s, but no one expected it to vanish just like his relevance.

“Exactly where Kent has gone will be determined by the inquiry in the fullness of time,” a 10 Downing Street spokesdroid said. “There is nothing to worry about. Clearly suggestions it was discovered that Kent is entirely composed of hydrocarbons and it’s been thrown onto a fire to generate much needed energy are exaggerated.”

While Downing Street maybe slow to discover where Kent has gone there are reports in the EU27 press though that state it has either “eloped with Norwich and moved into a villa on the Costa del Sol” or “sought asylum in Dover”.

When pressed the spokesdroid did give a hint as to Downing Street’s thinking if Kent is discovered to have sought asylum in Dover.

“Next stop Rwanda. Kent is actually being very forward thinking in that respect. Because once we finish dehumanising and deporting undesirables who derive externally to the UK, we will turn our attention to the unwanted indigenous thought criminals.”

Anyone seeing Kent is encouraged to report them to the nearest police station, assuming the station wasn’t sold off for luxury housing during the wise age of austerity.

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Government minister denies Brexit is causing drug shortages

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: There is no evidence of a shortage of drugs, claimed Minister for White Lines, Michael Gove. If anything, Brexit has made the normal supply lines more effective. 

Gove certainly has a nose for these matters. His finger is on the erratic pulse. His bloodshot eye is on the ball as he sniffs out trouble. There is no need for panic, he says. 

Gove was a little late to this morning’s press briefing, finally putting in an appearance at half past two. 

“I’m SO SORRY for being LATE,” he grumbled sarcastically, like a sulky teenage girl, and putting the final word into air quotes. “I’ve, erm, been on a bender.” 

Since his notorious split from the Daily Mail’s star harridan, Sarah Vine, nobody doubted this at all. 

“No but seriously,” he pleaded, swaying conspicuously, and struggling to focus. “Seriously, my experience is that white lines… no… county lines… no… supply lines… yes! Still got it!… erm… yeah, word on the street is that drugs are reaching our shore faster than ever before. Brexit had made this possible! Who’s a good boy, then? Who’s a good boy?”

Pressed on why this should be so, Gove brightened up. 

“It’s levelling up!” he claimed. “Given trade a shot in the arm. You have to get the baking tray level, Fanny Cradock, or everything falls off. I mean, controlling our borders. Makes everything easier. No checks, no customs, no income tax, no VAT! Ship the drugs direct to where they are needed, and cut out the middleman! Och aye the noo, wee Jimmy, keep your stash in your wee sporran, and awa’ wi’ ye!”

So well the NHS gain from this tangible benefit of Brexit? 

“The NHS? Nobody mentioned the NHS! What’s the NHS got to do with it?” he spluttered. “Excuse me, I need to powder my nose.” 

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Boris Johnson to make extra Tory council seats out of empty wine crates

THAT SINKING FEELING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to celebrate the dramatic local election results this week with an arts and crafts session.

The world beating PM has long been famous for his use of recycled materials in craft projects, with a plentiful supply of his favourite material to be found just laying about the house. Who can forget his ramped up interview when he claimed to make buses out of empty wine crates. A moment in which he displayed to all how he can both laugh at everyone, and govern.

“He’s going to revisit the bus,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going to paint little freezing pensioners on it. But once he’s warmed up he’s going to move onto sorting out the complete shambles the UK’s local councils have gotten themselves into.”

The shambles in particular appears to be the loss of hundreds of seats and dozens of councils.

“Winning local elections is clearly a remoaner plot to undermine Brexit,” the source adds. “But Mr Johnson has hundreds of empty wine crates stashed away from when he held dozens of parties to celebrate throwing a protective ring around care homes and the NHS in the pandemic. He’ll now put those crates to good use.”

The choice of inanimate objects is fitting too.

“Who could currently stand for election as a Conservative and claim to have consciousness, or even a conscience? Have you seen the state of the country after twelve years of Tory rule? You’d have to be blind. For that reason he won’t be painting little eyes on the new councillors. Just big, open mouths to swallow whatever bullshit Boris says next and then attempt to regurgitate it on the doorstep.”

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