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“I meant the price next year” – Sunak clarifies his statement milk costs £200 a pint

ALL THAT GLITTERS : THE UK’S MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CHANCELLOR, inheritance millionaire and lucky in love man of the people, Rishi Sunak, has hit back at claims he doesn’t know the cost of everyday items for hardworking British men and women.

Earlier this week in an interview with lifestyle magazine ‘Silver Spoons’ the Chancellor appeared to suggest that milk was £200 a pint leading to criticism that he is “out of touch”. Mr Sunak isn’t having that and after an extended session with his personal stylist he emerged with both fists clenched.

“Only an idiot would claim that milk costs £200 a pint,” Mr Sunak beamed to camera, his shoulders pleasingly squared by a Saville Row tailor and his smile fixed to the point of pain.

But not everyone is buying it after close analysis of one of the Chancellor’s daily press photos revealed a glass of liquid gold in the background. Expert analysis suggests that maybe Mr Sunak’s milk does actually cost £200 a pint?

Defenders of the man most likely to replace Liz Truss as Britain’s PM after the next scoffed at the claims.

“Mr Sunak doesn’t dirty his mind with knowing how much his Wagu Milk with Precious Metal Flavour costs. Such comments are beneath the dignity of a man who struggled out of obscurity to be the most photographed Chancellor the UK has ever had. Now, let’s focus on the real issues, the upcoming cut to VAT on begging bowls for children under 10. Means tested of course.”

And there is some substance to Mr Sunak’s clarification. Analysis of his plans to help with the cost of living crisis, he’s helping to cause, reveal so much inflation coming down the line milk will become a luxury item.

“He’s titled his plan – The Plebs Are F*cked – so he’s not wrong. He’s right. Economically very far right. He’s a Brexiter don’t you know. So he’s hasn’t got a clue mate. Good luck.”

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Only the Conservatives can be trusted with siphoning off taxpayers’ money, claims Rishi Sunak

THE ELECTION COUNTDOWN STARTS HERE: Roll out the clichés, massage the figures until they squeak, and gaslight at mark 9. Like American fast food, the results are cheap, empty, superficially attractive, and utterly lacking in substance. 

Chancellor Rishi Sunak has delivered a budget to disappoint almost everyone. An inadequate tinkering with tax and NI thresholds is expected when the economy is ticking over nicely. However, when the economy is about to go tits up like an enthusiastic tart, it’s like trying to stop the tide coming in using a bucket and spade. 

But it’s all about good housekeeping. “My hands are tied,” claimed Sunak, gesticulating mildly. “I can’t create money out of thin air. Well, actually, I can, but I won’t, because that would mean raising taxes, which I refuse to do, even though I’ve just done it.” 

Tory logic at its finest. Sunak will clearly go a long way. 

“There simply isn’t enough cash in the system to pay for the profiteering we have sanctioned,” Sunak continued. “International pressures have forced us to sanction some of our own personal income streams, and I had to write off billions of pounds worth of covid loans because otherwise the recipients would have kicked off. So, you see, there’s nothing left in the kitty.” 

Yet still he peddles the old line about being trustworthy with the public purse. 

‘You can trust the Conservatives to look after taxpayers’ money in their offshore accounts,” Sunak claimed triumphantly. “Look, countless billions, safely stashed away, gaining interest, and safely out of the reach of HMRC! The Exchequer is out there, resting in a million untraceable accounts! It warms the cockles, and earns just enough to cover my gas bill.” 

OK, but what about the rest of us, whose hard work created that stash? 

“Not my responsibility,” he claimed. “If you can’t get by, get another job, choose better parents, or marry a rich girl. Just like me!” 

He grinned toothily, and observers could have sworn that there was a little ‘ping’ that accompanied the glinting teeth. 

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APPLAUSE as U.K. debates cost of living crisis for days without mentioning BREXIT

HEAD IN SAND SPECIALISTS : UK NEWS MEDIA AND POLITICIANS FROM ACROSS THE POLITICAL DIVIDE are said to be “ebullient” and “tumescent with anticipation” of awards after spending days obsessing over the cost of living CRISIS without mentioning Brexit.

The economic crisis has been building for a long time, some would say since 2010 when Tory economic illiterates grabbed the wheel of state again, succeeded again and again by people even more illiterate and extreme. Now at last we’ve arrived at Destination Shafted and the man at the wheel spends more on hoodies for staged photographs than most people spend on food each year.

“It’s been a tour de force of news casting on Radio 4 and across the major papers,” a keen eyed observer observed keenly. “Labour have been careful not to mention the B word too. One or two opposition politicians may have, but everyone thinks they got away with it.”

Clearly the pandemic has had a massive impact and now Putin’s decision to jump horses from plague to war, but Brexit is there like a shit supercharger supercharging our economic shit. Just don’t talk about it.

“We won, get over it,” the observer nods. “That’s all there is to Brexit. The fact the bonfire of regulations turned out to be actually a red tape puppy farm breeding inbred monsters of paperwork has nothing to do with it, or the cost of living crisis.”

And consistency can be expected, even as the food and fuel poverty drags millions into despair, because to mention Brexit would be to suggest it was the daftest decision taken by a sovereign country in a very long time.

“We’ve got to pull together as a team. Politicians and news media. You make Brexit work by just ignoring it and completely removing it from any discussions about how to handle the cost of living crisis. Oh and the coming food crisis as the bread basket of Europe goes up in flames.”

We can all just be thankful that the elephant in the room is silent, even as its giant arse continues to spread across pretty much everything. We can make a success of it, by only by remaining silent.

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A picture paints a 1000 turds – Sunak to pose for photographer as cost of living crisis bites

STARING INTO THE SHADED POOL OF WATER AND FALLING IN LOVE : THE UK’S RICHEST CHANCELLOR EVER, RISHI SUNAK, has made moves to combat the reputation he is gaining that he knows nothing of what it is like for “real people”.

“It’s total bollocks, baby,” Rishi Sunak said in a pre-recorded video released to the press, noteworthy for the quality of the camera angles and lighting. In particular the way the light brushes the heavy grip gel holding his hair in just the right curve. “My professional photographers are real people. Totally. Not one android among them.”

The video will cause waves next door in 10 Downing Street though where a bloated whale carcass floats aimlessly on the tide of history wondering who will be first to carve him up. It is also thought to have worsened an already tense relationship with Foreign Secretary Liz Truss.

“Those two have been at daggers drawn since Sunak allegedly paid well over the odds for the services of Ms Truss’s social media account manager. You can’t just poach each other’s staff like that, even if the public is footing the bill.”

In spite of the squabbling amongst the cabinet ministers the real concern for the public will be the cost of living crisis.

“It’s going to get a lot worse but Sunak will do something about it,” a source inside the Exchequer tells LCD Views. “He’s pledging millions to ensure his makeover and photography team have the tools needed to present him as a stylish friend of the plebs. And you can expect some eye catching gimmicks too. Remember Eat Out to Help Out? You know the scheme to pay people to catch a deadly virus while eating some piri-piri chicken? The next scheme will be more cannibalism focused to reflect the catastrophic impact of 12 years of Tory mismanagement of the country and its vital infrastructure.”

But Sunak won’t have it all his own way, he can expect protests even as he vaguely tries to pretend to care about whether or not people are hungry.

“Some union leaders are planning to go on breathless rants on Radio 4 to show how heavy the opposition is,” the source notes. “This is to follow up their support of Brexit. The UK is world leading in the vibrancy and calibre of its political classes. Just look about you.”

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Money solves nothing, says millionaire raising taxes and cutting benefits

LOVE OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL: And it’s vital that The People are weaned off their addiction to cash. Tax rises and benefit cuts are for their own good. 

Factor in the increases in the price of food and fuel, and most of the British population will be going cold turkey. After all, who needs money? The government, after all, employs world beating experts on financial matters. They hoard all the dosh, on behalf of the rest of us. And it’s all for our own good. 

The foremost expert, naturally, has an enormous quantity of money, but this merely qualifies him to tell us how unimportant it is. 

“Money solves nothing,” announced the millionaire, Rishi Sunak, during his pre-budget pre-leak pre-speech. “OK, so it helps to keep a roof over your head, and food on the table, and other such luxuries. It’s time that the British people learned to find new ways to survive. After all, our distant ancestors didn’t have money, and they survived! Just about.” 

Making life unnecessarily difficult for millions of people is simply doing them a favour. 

“Like many other people, I get bored easily,” Sunak explained. “Money doesn’t help, to be honest. It’s like a test, to see if you can negotiate a set of hurdles. It’s like teaching a lab rat to dance a polka, and rewarding them with food. It’s good to have a challenge!” 

If that’s so, then how come it doesn’t apply to a millionaire who is married to a billionaire? 

“I have a hobby!” said Sunak. “It occupies a great deal of my time. I would recommend everyone to get a hobby, once they have worked out how to survive and thrive with absolutely no resources!” 

And what is this hobby of yours? 

“Raising taxes and cutting benefits!” he said. “It keeps me nicely busy.”

And presumably working out how to stop Russian funds ever reaching anyone who might actually need them. 

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“Just a mystery everything has gone to hell under Boris” – Downing Street inquiry

SEEING IS BELIEVING : 10 DOWNING STREET have released the details of a long awaited public inquiry into the impact of Prime Minister Boris Johnson on standards of living in the United Kingdom, and it makes for comforting reading for the PM.

“There have been some murmurings from traitors in recent weeks that it’s Mr Johnson’s fault that everything is going to hell in a handcart,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, as he revealed the single A4 sheet of paper comprising the report into living standards.

“After an exhaustive wine and cheese event, during which living standards were discussed, we can reassure everyone that nothing is the fault of Boris. And all that Russian cash in Tory coffers has had no impact on decision making for over a decade. Also the decision to scale back green incentives some years back left us well placed to ramp them up in the current crisis.”

It is hoped the findings will help put paid to suggestions that the PM is terrible at governance, couldn’t really give a toss about your lives and surrounds himself with yes people who are more interested in wasting your money on professional photographers for social media postings then actually working out how to stop everything from the cost of living to plagues ruining your lives.

“Mr Johnson is deeply, deeply committed to the wellbeing of all of his subjects,” the spokesman affirmed. “Just look at how the stars aligned for that woman who was held prisoner for years in Iran. What was her name? Anyway, the details aren’t important. The moment we needed Iranian gas and oil she was free! See how the stars align under Boris!”

To celebrate the findings 10 Downing Street is planning a billboard campaign called “It’s a lovely day tomorrow”, which will place prominent images of happy, smiling people above the queues for food banks.

“The ruinous rise in heating costs is another example of the magic of the PM,” the spokesman added. “If you’re in the energy sector and wholesale prices are 1/3 of your costs you get to multiply those costs by the hundreds of percent and completely drain away the last financial reserves of the public. But the media will help you look elsewhere. In this way Mr Johnson can enjoy his champagne while sat on his gold toilet.”

As to what is causing everything to deteriorate, now that we know it isn’t the lies and incompetence of the government, the spokesman has some reassurance.

“It’s a complete mystery, but we suspect it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”

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BREAKING : MPs demand multi-million pound pay rise after losing major sponsor

PAY TO PLAY : NUMEROUS UK WORLD LEADING CONSERVATIVE MPS are said to be deeply moved and distressed over the warmongering of Russian President Vladimir Putin and what it means for the United Kingdom’s governance.

Strong and stable government has been the hallmark for the UK since the Tories returned to power in 2010 but the revolutions in public funding, the reduction of the UK defence forces and the great strides towards glorious isolation made by successive Tory governments doesn’t come for free. The paltry financial rewards for public service available in the UK system must be beefed up to ensure a vigorous government.

“I’m not going to name any names,” an anonymous and fictional MP told LCD Views, “but we’ve had to set up the Sponsorship Research Group to look into ways to replace the funding we’ve abruptly lost because of the war in Ukraine.”

Correlation is not of course causation.

“Clearly the millions in donations from Putin linked figures over the years were merely philanthropic because of his desire to spread democracy as far as possible,” the MP stated. “Nothing was ever asked for in return. Not even Brexit. We thought that up all by ourselves because we’re the biggest empire in Europe. I repeat we never did any service in return for the donations. Nothing was ever asked of us. We were just happy to be able to help all those oligarchs manage their portfolios.”

Quite how the public will feel about replacing the millions in future donations lost isn’t yet clear, but it’s felt by the SRG that the public must pay.

“It’s only fair. They keep voting for us in spite of our record in government.”

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MPs awarded pay rise because it’s hard work being that shit

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR : Not much is able to push passed the possibility of WW3 in the news cycle at the moment but a £2,200 pay rise for the UK’s members of parliament managed it and armed waved around for several hours.

Many UK voters may feel it’s a bit rum for MPs to be getting a boost in their pay just as the same voters look at taking out a second mortgage just to pay for petrol at the pump and their weekly grocery shop. The justification given is the increased workload caused by the pandemic.

“It’s been brutal,” one Tory backbencher told LCD Views. “You try maintaining an extramarital affair in that climate! Just look at what happened to Matt Hancock. All the money I had to shell out just to keep my bi-weekly meetings with Tricycle secret was exceptionally egregious. Not to mention having to make time to stand on my doorstep and clap for a few weeks. This pay rise doesn’t go far enough.”

Other MPs are also coming out to support the boost.

“Look at what we’ve achieved since 2010? We’ve created great food and energy insecurity in the UK just before a time of heightened food and energy insecurity and insane inflationary pressures. We’ve achieved the diplomatic isolation of the UK, and everyone thinking we’re total idiots, just before the biggest international crisis for generations. We reduced our military impressively too. Although we did produce one airplane free aircraft carrier which we immediately sent off to the Pacific. Genius. Now you get to our management of the pandemic. We wrote the rules to suit the lifestyles of ourselves and our donors. The avoidable death toll we achieved was truly world leading. I could go on, but you get the picture, you’ve been living through it.”

Essentially the pay rise is justified because “it’s hard work being this shit”.

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Boris Johnson hails Covid Bonus as healthy workers gain loads of overtime

WIN WIN WIN: Forget Brexit Dividends, now we have Covid Bonuses! To every downside, there is an equal and opposite upside. Except Brexit, of course, which only has upsides by definition, as we all know.

Workers up and down the land are dropping like flies. Although Boris Johnson and his sociopathic cronies Got Covid Done, the virus itself is immune to government propaganda and is making merry. 

The upshot of this is that the frail, elderly and unlucky are being removed from the population. Many more are being incapacitated. This means more work for the fit and healthy patriotic British people to do.

Many people are having to cover for covid-affected colleagues. This, claims Johnson, is a great op[portunity to claim lots of overtime.

Johnson made the claim at an event styled “The Man, The Myth, The Magic”. This has nothing to do with Vladimir Putin, or even Marcus Rashford. It is simply a vehicle to promote Boris Johnson in lieu of his having to do any actual work. In policy terms, it bears about as much resemblance to genuine progress as creative accounting does to financial accuracy.

Johnson took the stage amid a flurry of dry ice, to rousing music. He ruffled his already untidy hair, gave his trademark faux-bashful grin, and took the podium with the same lack of grace as Donald Trump.

“Friends, Russian countrymen, lend me your money!” he stuttered, to a standing ovation. “Yes, yes, yes, no, yes, we will show the EU how to buy influence and give backhanders to your mates! We will fight them on the beaches, we will overcome, we will we will rock you! More sick people means more overtime for those who are British enough to stay fit and well! Yes! Wiff waff!”

And it’s almost certain that Johnson will claim that this was the intended outcome all along.

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PM to stand next to Farage’s “Breaking Point” poster to remind UK voters why he can’t just let refugees in

WE’RE NOT RACISTS BUT : The UK has cut a decisive path for itself since allowing Nigel Farage to decide its entire policy platform and future. As such a refugee crisis involving largely white people from Europe has proven a most unhelpful event.

“We’ve gained power by activating a deep racist undercurrent in UK society,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “Who can recall the day Nigel Farage revealed his famous Breaking Point poster in the EU referendum campaign back in 2016 and not understand how we got to where we are? And more importantly, how the PM got to be PM in the first place. Recent events in Europe are really unhelpful. It’s incredibly tricky to navigate.”

Luckily for the current administration there is a swathe of famous individuals taking to the airways to explain that this war is different because the refugees are white and so it’s not confusing. Therefore there’s no disconnect to our attitude to Europeans needing assistance en masse and the different approach often taken to people from further away.

“There is still a lot of unwelcome pressure to do more on refugees though,” the source explains. “It’s a bit of a pickle. You have hand chosen Tory MPs selected because they were prepared to endorse Brexit, a deeply racist project with an underbelly that is all hatred of foreigners and here they are demanding we help foreigners? It’s not on really. We got Brexit done. We got it done knowing that the man behind the Breaking Point poster was one of its spiritual architects. But now we’re supposed to let people back in? WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THAT ABOUT? We just don’t get it.”

But to help explain the apparent inability of the UK government to match the swift action of other European states the PM is going to personally make an example of himself.

“Mr Johnson will unveil a new edition of Mr Farage’s Breaking Point poster outside 10 Downing Street today and stand next to it beaming,” the source says. “This way everyone will know why it’s really hard to let anyone into the country and hope to maintain a poll lead.”