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BREAKING: Putin threatens Tory Party with sanctions worth millions over Ukraine

BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES: The UK reigns. Ukraine. It’s in the name. Ukraine is part of England. And little tinpot dictators who pose shirtless on horses would be well advised to remember that.

Major Tory donor and sometime petty despot Vladimir Putin has threatened to stop funding Downing Street parties unless Boris Johnson backs him up. He wants Johnson to get onside with his plans to extend the influence of Global Russia. Ukraine must be rescued from the claws of possible EU membership. The unicorns of beneficial trade deals and free movement must be rejected, in order to align with the values of the Spartan East.

“Less is more!” Putin reminded wavering Ukrainians, while absently jingling a bag of gold coins. “Do you want to be soft Westerners, sucking on the teat of cheap French wine and siestas? Or align with your old masters in the East, and become strong through hardship and war? Let’s take back control!”

The argument thus won, Putin now wishes to put pressure on Johnson, his not-so-secret ally in the soft West. “Remember, Boris Stanovitch, that the flow of weapons-grade Russian vodka is dependent upon your agreement!” he is rumoured to have said.

Johnson is said to have leaped to attention faster than if six gorgeous naked blonde fillies had started to remove his trousers. Five minutes, and a couple of shots of Putin’s best later, the PM was ready to face the ordeal of recording a message straight to camera.

“Well, yes, no, er, well, yes, wiff waff, lorem ipsum, vaccines!” he declared in his best Churchillian manner. “It is my, erm, what’s the word, duty, yes, duty, is that the right word? what does it mean? OK, well, it is our solemn duty to support levelling up across the globe! And it’s only fair to lend Mr Putin a couple of our spare tanks to, erm, well, level up Ukraine.”

After all, Brokeback Mountain won’t level itself up.

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UC rule change means PM has just weeks to find work as clown after leaving Downing Street

SEND IN THE CLOWN : OUTGOING British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is rumoured to have applied for the job of court jester at Buckingham Palace in an attempt to get ahead of his widely anticipated career change.

The move by Mr Johnson blows a whole through criticisms that he is unable to forecast or understand the consequences of his actions, and is in response to the coming changes to Universal Credit. The reduction of the time allowed to seek work in your chosen profession (before losing what little money is provided) from three months to four weeks, is expected to hit not only the PM but many Tory MPs hard.

Court Jesters were banished from court under the kingship of Charles I who was also unable to understand the point of a parliament or a jester. Some would say though that Mr Johnson needs a straight talking, honest individual nearby in a desperate attempt to make him see his job is not to be a clown, but to be a prime minister. But some say a lot of things.

“No one should be concerned that Mr Johnson will find himself working on a soft fruit farm or driving a lorry. The UC changes are to punish the hardworking British citizen for allowing Brexit to happen in the first place. And at any rate, one more year of Brexit and farming will have successfully concluded within the UK,” a source inside the Government told LCD Views.

“Mr Johnson could in theory find himself picking raspberries and living in a draughty caravan on a moor. They could even make a reality TV series about it called ‘Britain’s Last Farm’, but it’s unlikely he would do any work so it would be pointless. It’s best too for the collapse of UK food security to happen out of the headlines and off the screens. The morale of the country is more important. Happily for the PM he can likely continue as is, just at a different ancient address.”

Suggestions that the changes to the Universal Credit conditions are a direct result of telling millions of EU citizens to fuck off, with zero preparation for the fallout or to face the karmic avalanche that would follow, have been dismissed out of hand by insane people who still love Brexit.

“There’s plenty of people just laying about the UK doing nothing and receiving public money,” one critic hit back. “Just look at Jacob Rees-mogg and how he conducts himself in Parliament.”

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BREAKING : British man unaware “party is over” and it’s “time to go”

GET THE HINT : A British man has been judged slowest ever to get the hint that the party is over.

The individual concerned is said to be “shabby in habits and character” and determined to outstay his welcome to a degree determined as “world beating”.

It is believed numerous individuals have attempted to drop increasingly unsubtle hints that the party is over. The failure to get through has even led to the police being called in the hope he’ll stop blathering on and bugger off.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” an eyewitness told LCD Views. “It could not be clearer he’s outstayed his welcome and he needs to leave, but he just pretends not to notice and keeps ordering more booze delivered.”

The party the “burning haystack of humanity” is understood to be at is located at a plush central London address recently redecorated at great expense without “any discernible taste”.

“We’re going to have to ramp up our efforts to get through to the self-centred sod that is idea of a good time is his alone,” the witness confirms. “It’s hard to see how much clearer we can be. We may have to hire a fat lady to sing as old hat references and sayings appear to be the only things he understands.”

When asked who is footing the bill for the festivities we were advised, “Everyone. The whole country. It’s becoming bloody tedious. I’ve never seen someone so unable to understand it’s time to fuck off in my whole life. The music stopped long ago but he’s just standing there with a traffic cone on his head talking about Shakespeare.”

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PM promises Tory MPs he will change mistresses to fight cost of living crisis

LEOPARDS AND SPOTS : World beating British Prime Minister Boris Johnson maybe on the ropes but he’s not yet down, which will please the people currently battering him.

This entirely fabricated report, based on the PM’s well documented past activities, can reveal that in an imaginary and close meeting last night inside the headquarters of the 1922 coven the Prime Minister regaled Tory rebels with stories of his “Falstaffian capacity for indecency” and “carousing”. The references led to many of the newer selection of Tory MPs, elected in 2019 to GET BREXIT DONE, reaching for their smart phones to search for meaning.

“It was a tour de force,” one insider told LCD Views. “It was the old Boris back and swinging. Everyone there was left with the distinct impression that the government of the UK was on a steady course. The direction remains completely unclear, but that’s what was so reassuring.”

And to prove he isn’t removed from the day to day struggles of the hardworking patriots of Britain Mr Johnson revealed a keen awareness of the cost of living crisis.

“I was in the toilet at the time looking up carousing, but I heard rumours after that the PM promised to change mistresses. This will be all that is needed to prove he understands the impact of the high energy costs and looming tax rises on the voters.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will install his next mistress in “much cheaper accommodation and there’ll be no messy divorces and marriages. No gold wallpaper next time. Potentially S925, so still shiny, but nowhere near as extravagant.”

The promise to reign in the PM’s spending to bring it inline with ordinary people may have a potential downside.

“Donors anxious to get in the PM’s good graces for no particular reason at all maybe alarmed though,” the source muses. “His financial incontinence and inability to see consequences in any sphere, personal, business or government, is what has made him so attractive. If he really does lower his cost of living it could lead to a crisis in the actual way the UK is currently governed.”

Exactly who the PM has his eye on isn’t known but, “Given he’s pretty much screwed the entire country in his brief time in office it’ll be a short list indeed.”

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No PM is better than a bad PM

FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD: Who will be the next foolhardy soul to take the poisoned chalice? Who wants a job, doomed to failure, lived out in the glare of publicity? Which gullible sap wants to inherit Boris Johnson’s grotesquely tarnished Crown? 

It is often said that nature abhors a vacuum. Although this is only true in the case of Mr Dyson’s machines. 

There is, as one notable nonentity recently asserted, a moral vacuum in government. It could be argued that there is an actual vacuum between the ears of many backbenchers. That incessant noise emanating from every newsstand? It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. And of a house of cards, slowly and inexorably toppling. 

Which empty vessel will wish to preside over the wanton collapse of this once great nation? Who is vain, stupid, arrogant and deluded enough to volunteer to hammer the final nail into the UK’s coffin? Apart from Liz Truss, of course. 

To be quite honest, nobody could do a worse job than Boris Johnson. In which case it might be time for nobody to lead the country.

There are plenty of advantages to this arrangement. There would be no more porky pies at PMQs. No vague, waffled press conferences. No excruciating dressing up opportunities. No Boris Johnson. 

Against that, nothing would get done, no decisions would be made. So no change there. 

It’s hard to see how the lack of an actual leader could be worse than a lack of leadership. The ship of state is in deep trouble. The rats are finally realising and starting to leave. But the captain is insisting that if he goes down, the ship will go with him. There is no iceberg, and even if there is an iceberg, it won’t do any harm, and even if it holes the ship and sinks it, nobody told the captain that would happen. 

Maybe having a nobody in charge is worse than having nobody.

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“Downing Street parties were to celebrate success of vaccine roll out,” says Downing Street inquiry

GOOD NEWS IF TRUE : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has sought to get ahead of the Sue Gray report into Downing Street parties by having a fictional source reveal the findings of its own non-existent inquiry into the Downing Street lockdown rule busting parties.

The report has been titled “If the house is a rocking don’t bother knocking!” after a famous 80’s popular music hit beloved of the PM, and the title sets the tone for the content.

“We were in a mood to celebrate,” the report details after interviewing no one. “Dead people had piled up across the country because old Bojo really could care less, and other dead people would do so in even greater magnitude in the coming months, so if we couldn’t celebrate before that happened when could we?”

This will be considered a fair explanation by the Mail and the Sun, which is all that really matters. But there’s more.

“We had to pop a few corks to celebrate the success of the UK’s ramped up vaccine roll out. Because it was bound to be a great success when it happened. Who can blame us? Some of you, indeed many of you, are only alive today as a result of it. You were in danger of dying as a result of a decision to make masks a culture war battleground, just think yourself lucky the PM hedged his bets! And at the time we conceived of vaccinating against a potentially lethal virus no one else was even thinking about it. We essentially saved humanity. We should be commended, not nitpicked at over a few close friends sharing a glass of fizz. So why don’t you all just get back into your boxes and doff those caps.”

How much the report will protect the PM against the Gray report isn’t yet clear though, with Sue’s masterpiece due for delivery tomorrow.

“If she focuses on reality we’re screwed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Thankfully the UK abandoned reality way back on the 24th June 2016, so there’s hope for the old blonde boofhead yet. By the way, have I mentioned the UK’s vaccine roll out? We’re ahead of the world. Except for the parts of it that we’re now behind.”

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Nobody told me that I had to be Prime Minister when I became PM, says Boris Johnson

FINGERS IN THE EARS AND GOING LA LA LA: Ignorance is bliss. Although ignorance of the law is no defence. Especially if you are the one who created the law then spent days repeating it. 

World beating world king and newly clothed emperor, Boris Johnson, is feeling the heat. Why, oh why, oh why, he demands, does anyone expect ME to run the country? 

“When I, as it were, isn’t it, you know, yes, no, well, erm, wiff waff, became, you know, Prime Minister, nobody told me that I actually had to do the Prime Ministering,” Johnson revealed. “All I have to do is to be PM, other people actually, and and and, this is not easy to say, VACCINES!!, erm, other people actually do the work.” 

Where does the buck stop? 

“The bucks go into my pocket, with the pounds, euros and roubles,” he replied. “The bucks stop with me, I can always get someone else to buy stuff, like that ghastly wallpaper that ghastly woman foisted on me.” 

Carrie? 

“Is that the filly’s name? Really?” he spluttered. “Leaking to the press, going behind everyone’s back, manipulating, pretending to have babies. I mean, I thought that was my job!” 

No, your job is to run the country. 

“You don’t want me running the country!” chuckled Johnson. “Can you imagine? Talking bollocks, waving a little flag, dressing up, getting pissed, and saying ‘wiff waff’ all the time? I would be rubbish!” 

But still you became the PM. 

“Nobody told me I would have to do any, erm, erm, what’s the word now… ah yes, work!” he snivelled. “I’ve never followed the rules before, why start now? Wiff waff! Veni vidi da Vinci Code! In any case we must wait for Sue Grey’s report, which will be delayed indefinitely.” 

The job of world king is not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. 

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BREAKING : Judge to rule on whether or not Boris and Carrie get to keep gold wallpaper

YOU CAN’T BUY CLASS BUT YOU CAN GET IT DONATED : RUMOURS IN THE WESTMINSTER VILLAGE suggest that Britain’s outgoing Prime Minister Carrie Johnson and her consort Boris are to ask the HIGH COURT to rule on whether or not they get to keep the gold wallpaper.

The decision to redecorate the famous Downing Street address was taken early in the Johnson’s tenure and one of the most significant decisions the pair took while in government. It was hoped the changes to 10 Downing Street would have been at least “as semi-permanent as a Boris Johnson family household” but it seems likely the wallpaper will be stripped away as rapidly as “a Union Flag by the tutor in an IT lesson”.

The fate of the wallpaper is a key decision as it symbolises the great strides taken by the pair as they oversaw the successes of not only Brexit and the pandemic, but of bringing a touch of new money class to the “slum” in central London.

“If Mr and Mrs Johnson keep possession of the wallpaper it will go a long way to funding their retirement from public life,” our non-existent financial expert comments on the fabricated rumours. “It is believed to be high carat wallpaper and could be melted down and recast as ingots.”

Although there is more than just immediate financial security riding on who keeps the stunning wall covering.

“If the wallpaper is deemed by a judge to be public property it will have to be treated like all public assets under Tory administrations,” our expert concludes. “That is sold off to private interests, stripped and the profits relocated to an offshore location. From there they can be used to purchase more public assets in the virtuous cycle of Conservative fiscal management of UK plc.”

But it’s felt that Mr Johnson may have more than financial aims in his mind.

“If he continues on as an MP he will be dreaming of his comeback and will likely use lengths of the impressive paper to write letters of no confidence on about whoever succeeds him as PM. Presumably before he’s even had time to pack his bags and get out of No 10.”

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Competition intense for the annual Thick As Mince award

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR: No, not Christmas, but the Annual Tory Backslapping Awards. One of the most hotly contested awards is even more than usually interesting this year.

Indeed, candidates are almost literally queueing up for the gong. The David Davis Thick As Mince Award has attracted any number of outstanding candidates.

There is Nadine Dorries, who is nominated every year, but has excelled herself recently. Dorries, who justifies her selection every time she opens her mouth, is threatening the BBC for actually reporting the news. Why can’t we be more like America, runs her ‘thesis’, with properly partisan propagandists like Fox News? Dorries is currently the bookies’ favourite for the award.

Consider Oliver Dowden. But not for long, as it can cause permanent damage. Like gazing into the sun, exposure to Dowden is likely to impair your faculties. His claim to fame being ‘disgusted’ by the revelation that parties were taking place both illegally and under his nose. He is angry because he neither noticed nor was invited. Dowden is another front-runner.

Then there is Nadhim Zahawi. The Education Secretary has been on the news programmes more often than most, although never to talk about education. Not the best liar, he was challenged to defend the absent Prime Minister’s latest ridiculous excuse, implicitly. After repeating himself several times, and crowbarring the word ‘vaccines’ into every other sentence, he gave up trying to understand what exactly ‘believed implicitly’ means. Maybe, by realising that his boss is talking bollocks at last, he has exempted himself from the running.

Of course, no competition would be complete without Boris Johnson trying to skew the odds in his favour. He is currently trying to spin his pathetic excuse that he is ‘self-isolating’, despite there being no obligation at present, as stupidity rather than cowardice. In any event, he will dress up in hi-viz and cosplay as the winner.

Meanwhile, there are no nominees for the Competent Conservative of the Year prize.

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BREAKING : Tory MPs search internally for an idiot big enough to succeed Boris Johnson

ALL IT TAKES IS A FOOL : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR ANXIOUS BRITS with the confirmation that even Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has written to the 1922 Committee to express no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

The decision to replace the bloated sack of bollocks as Prime Minister is not surprising, nor is the timing, with the Tory Party changing its underwear with increasing frequency due to the increasing speed with which they fill up with scat. But who could possibly want to live in 10 Downing Street with that wallpaper is another question?

“There’s no doubt there’s plenty of idiots in the Party who’d like a shot at being PM,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s just choosing the right one. I mean they are going to have to be so pig ignorant it’s almost impossible to measure. Just think of the mess they will be inheriting?”

Some in the party are rumoured to think it’s time to bow out of government for a while and count their money and simply let a coalition government of “woke lefties” repair the damage before resuming the culture war and taking office again.

“Unfortunately the idiots who want to replace Johnson will be having none of that. Each of them so convinced of their own genius.”

Liz Truss is a hot favourite with the bookies. Dominic Raab is a hot favourite with Dominic Raab. Priti Patel is thought to be Satan’s choice as he seeks a more direct method of command, rather than just via the Home Office. But it will be down to the membership to decide, which is the essence of British democracy in action.

“Most of the membership is incredibly stupid so they can be relied upon to pick the right candidate,” the source adds, “I mean a group of people dumb enough to believe Johnson was going to be a world beating PM will deliver again.”

Punters anxious over what comes next are advised to take it easy as no one will have the weird Trumpian magic that Johnson had with so much of the electorate.

“We’re just going to have to fall further but be entertained by the spectacle of anyone prize idiot Boris thought safe to have in his team tries to carry on where he left off. Let’s hope there’s no popcorn trade war! We’re going to need a large stock of it!”