SEEING IS BELIEVING : 10 DOWNING STREET have released the details of a long awaited public inquiry into the impact of Prime Minister Boris Johnson on standards of living in the United Kingdom, and it makes for comforting reading for the PM.
“There have been some murmurings from traitors in recent weeks that it’s Mr Johnson’s fault that everything is going to hell in a handcart,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, as he revealed the single A4 sheet of paper comprising the report into living standards.
“After an exhaustive wine and cheese event, during which living standards were discussed, we can reassure everyone that nothing is the fault of Boris. And all that Russian cash in Tory coffers has had no impact on decision making for over a decade. Also the decision to scale back green incentives some years back left us well placed to ramp them up in the current crisis.”
It is hoped the findings will help put paid to suggestions that the PM is terrible at governance, couldn’t really give a toss about your lives and surrounds himself with yes people who are more interested in wasting your money on professional photographers for social media postings then actually working out how to stop everything from the cost of living to plagues ruining your lives.
“Mr Johnson is deeply, deeply committed to the wellbeing of all of his subjects,” the spokesman affirmed. “Just look at how the stars aligned for that woman who was held prisoner for years in Iran. What was her name? Anyway, the details aren’t important. The moment we needed Iranian gas and oil she was free! See how the stars align under Boris!”
To celebrate the findings 10 Downing Street is planning a billboard campaign called “It’s a lovely day tomorrow”, which will place prominent images of happy, smiling people above the queues for food banks.
“The ruinous rise in heating costs is another example of the magic of the PM,” the spokesman added. “If you’re in the energy sector and wholesale prices are 1/3 of your costs you get to multiply those costs by the hundreds of percent and completely drain away the last financial reserves of the public. But the media will help you look elsewhere. In this way Mr Johnson can enjoy his champagne while sat on his gold toilet.”
As to what is causing everything to deteriorate, now that we know it isn’t the lies and incompetence of the government, the spokesman has some reassurance.
“It’s a complete mystery, but we suspect it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”